How Do I Be Transparent About This?

To many FOOD IS LOVE. She is showing how much she loves you by giving you food. Just say 'Thank you' and let it go.

i'm feeling vendicive tonight.
My thought was that you should start cookign for her and send it over with Dh so she still gets that time with him. i wonder how she would feel if she was the one being smothered wtih love.

I cook to make people happy. That is how I show my love. That could also be how she shows her love. Freeze the soup. You don't have to eat it right then. Also, freeze the other stuff that can freeze. Tofu soup?? Yuck!

I do this for my daughter all the time. I am always cooking for them, giving them things, offering to help, whatever . . . I really want to do these things and I would be devastated if she asked me to stop. I would be downright pi**ed if her husband asked me to stop.

Why can't you just graciously accept her stuff. She doesn't really care if you eat it, she just needs to give the stuff and do the cooking and feel needed. For God's sake, let her have this - she isn't hurting anything.

My step mom is an awful cook. I really think she could follow a recipe perfectly and it would still be awful. Still she brings things over and we accept it happily. My kids will run out to the garden, "have you tried this? I bet it would be amazing in that salad" and she is so excited that not only are we accepting her food but building on it.

My older daughter shares recipes with her. Oh my god, I found this recipe you would love!! And they talk. See she loves our family and we want to bring her into our family she loves not block her out. That is what it sounds like you want to do. You don't want her to be part of your family, and that is sad.

Is there some reason you don't know how to add to her soup or whatever else she sends to make it taste better?

Oh wow, I just read your other questions and I think Nervy hit the nail on the head on your last question, you see slights that aren't really there. You see things as undermining your parenting, now you being a wife and cook. You need to find a therapist because even if you think you are good, or came a long way, you have a trailer full of baggage.

There's nothing wrong with you not wanting it. But really, did you expect people to just say "oh I don't blame you" here? Some people on this board don't have the money to buy enough food for their family in order to be able to pay the rent. So your post probably hits a nerve with them.

My question to you, is there a soup kitchen in your area that you could give the food to? She wouldn't have to know. And the food could go to someone who really needs it.

Just to let you know, I'm not judging you. I understand what you're saying. But you just need to understand that this is a touchy topic because some people would really love to be in your position.

My MIL does this too. Not so much with food, but with items that she likes and thinks everyone else should like, too. Most of those things are either sitting in a closet or given to Good Will.

I think you have to remind yourself that this is her thing, her issue. She wants to do something nice, but you are not obligated to want it. Accept it graciously, but don't feel obligated to like it or want it or eat it. Don't put that burden on yourself when you didn't ask for it to begin with.

One thought about the soup and some of the foods ... if you like them. Freeze it in portions. That's not going to work for all foods (I don't think you can freeze cauliflower), but you can freeze soup and some other dishes. Could be a quick lunch when you're in a hurry.

Do any of your neighbors or acquaintances have kids who have their own apartment? Often, a couple of guys will share an apartment or house, and they are ALWAYS hungry. You could get a cooler, pack it with your MIL's food, and deliver it. Just do it once a week.

Otherwise, let her do this. Either eat what you like, or start an amazing compost bin. If you don't have a yard, or room for a bin, find someone who does. Or find someone who gardens and composts and deliver stuff to them.

Another idea: go to a local church or shelter. Ask whomever is in charge if there is a family in need. Tell them you frequently have lots of extra food due to a cook-aholic, and your family can't possibly eat it all. Ask if you can bring a cooler to the church or shelter to be delivered to the family.

It sounds as though your MIL is of a certain ethnicity - since she doesn't speak English, so perhaps there is a church or group of that same ethnicity nearby, like a Korean church or a Greek social services agency, whatever the ethnicity is. Go there and ask if they know of someone who can use a regular supply of good homemade food.

Or, if your MIL attends a certain church or social group, maybe the person in charge could ask her to head their benevolence team (often churches have ministries that organize meals for a member in need, or prepare food after an emergency or disaster such as a fire), or maybe they could ask her to take on a family who is suffering due to job loss or illness and prepare two meals a week for them. She might benefit from finding an outlet for her skills and love. You can go and talk with them and get them on board.

Find a community garden spot. These places rent a garden spot in a public place to people who live in apartments or studios or whose only yard is a little cement balcony. Go there and talk to a few people and tell them you keep getting extra food. Often these gardeners are trying to supplement a very small food budget, or they're involved with food banks or food sharing programs. They may have ideas for you.

Basically, gardeners, people with large families and small incomes, hungry college kids, people who can't afford food or who are too elderly or incapacitated to prepare their own food, or a compost bin will be happy to receive something that is lovingly prepared. Don't feel guilty. Don't take it personally. It's her way of sharing and feeling needed. There is a hungry person out there who needs that food.

L., I would take a moment and ask yourself a question:
"Why do I feel these gifts diminish me or make me feel 'less than'?"

My guess is that is not your MIL's intention. Not at all.
First, this is your husband's mom. Were I in a situation like this, I would defer to my husband for insight and some ideas (or not) on what to do.

You feel she crosses a line which seems, to me, more imagined and proprietary than some sort of hard and fast social rule. Here's the thing, when you mentioned their not speaking English.... (you don't suggest which nationality or which country of origin the family came from).... many people experience hunger and poverty in their lives. It may be overbearing to you, and yet for them, this is 'sharing the riches'.

My grandparents from my adoptive dad's side (I clarify this because this is not my own nationality) were Filipino refugees. They came to Hawaii during WW2; they'd suffered a great deal and had lived in poverty. My grandmother would still make herself a soup of leaves and fish carcasses when I was a kid. To us kids it was crazy, who did that? But to her, it was how she used everything to its fullest. My mother would complain that Grandma would send us crocheted collars or bikinis with size D bra cups (when I was 7, mind you)... what I realized was that Grandma considered this as being generous with what she had. Every time we saw them, Grandpa would cook enormous amounts of food and Grandma would give us anything which she thought we could use. The very old, used copy of "Little Women" she sent to me when I was 10 (marked with someone else's name) is a treasured item to me now.

While my own mother scoffed at some of these offerings, I realized as an adult how much love was behind those actions. It makes me sad that my mother saw some of this as a challenge to her own self instead of as an extension of love from people who know what it was like to have nothing. Sharing of food is an expression of richness and abundance and care. Speak kindly to your husband about this, and then, ask him what to do. Try not to read a personal insult into this. It's beneath you and not worth your time or the heartache, really. You cannot always control what others choose to do, but you can choose to control how you decide to feel about this and about yourself in context to the situation.

If I were you I would except the food graciously. This gives her purpose in life and makes her feel good. It has nothing to do with you not being capable of feeding your family. I would think most of us would like our kids to come visit us when we are empty nesters.

I would just toss it. Sure it's wasteful but really you've already told her you don't need or want it and yet she continues to give. Maybe this is how she expresses affection. In the interest of keeping the peace isn't it easier to smile, say thank you and throw it in the trash? I only confront people when their behavior is hurtful or dangerous in some way, this seems annoying but ultimately fairly harmless.

I think you had mentioned you had a hard childhood in an earlier post about being hurt by your brother. I think you've reworded it now. I am not judging - but I prefer when people don't change their questions because it's helpful to know where you are coming from. You may be a bit more sensitive to someone overstepping if you've had to protect yourself in the past.

I think you don't deal with the soup. Leave it all up to your husband. Whether she's overstepping or you are overreacting - is irrelevant. If it bugs you and it involves your MIL, you leave it to your husband. He can go get it. He can eat it. You do not have to eat it. If he is the one to eat it and have to toss it every week, he'll be much more likely in future to say "Thanks mom, but we're good".

Moms do this. My mom does it, my sisters do it with their kids, and I'm sure I will. I feed all my son's friends too.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. You are not a bad person. I swear we have the same MIL. Except mine only speaks English.

I feel the same way you do. For some reason it starts to intrude on your role, I totally get that. With our first kid, my MIL used to pack snacks, and drinks for our daughter anytime we would meet up with them somewhere. I felt like "that's MY job". Plus I might not want my kid to eat what you brought, I want her to eat what I packed. That used to drive my hubs crazy and he finally told her to stop.

One year she was talking about what equipment she would bring for our daughter when we went on a camping trip... my FIL says "you know, she has parents, and we're not them..." (YES!) and she has gotten much better now that we've had more kids and BIL has had one.

She was in a phase where she would buy grocery gift cards for us every time she want to Trader Joes. Totally nice, cash money, woo! But it started to be every week and I don't even go to Trader Joes that often, I even gave one to a Homeless family outside the post office to get rid of it. I also started to feel... less capable... like, I pride myself on working and taking care of my family (and sometimes I just want to go to a regular grocery store!) I finally said "I'm beginning to feel like you think we can't afford groceries" and she got the hint. I still feel bad for saying that though.

I've learned it's best to just shut up and accept it. Like others have said, it is fulfilling some need in her. The need to "provide". I swear my MIL is not herself if she is not caregiving/providing. It is her whole identity. So I've eaten my share of tortilla soup and lemon cake. Which are delicious! But... yeah.

I get it. It's hard because then you feel guilty for being annoyed by it! But I think you just vent to us and then smile and accept and say thanks.

It's what she knows how to do. It sounds like it's more in the "overkill" category than the "you don't feed your family and your cooking stinks" category. The first is nice (but excessive) and the second would be insulting and unacceptable.

Maybe food is her comfort zone, her area of skill/expertise. Maybe she doesn't know how to choose other gifts or feels she can't afford them. But food makes her feel like a mom - maybe that was her strength back when your DH was little? Sounds like, as you say, this is an excuse to see her son, and she doesn't feel comfortable saying "I miss my boy and I'm not sure he'll want to see little ol' me without a food enticement."

I had a great aunt who used to send us stupid stuff - coloring books when we were 17 (with half the pages colored, by her), her used clothing, etc. She was a little "off" (as the family said in those days - really she had PTSD/shell shock from being in the Red Cross in London during the WWII blitz. So we were taught to look at what her motives were, rather than how inappropriate or insulting her gifts were. Maybe your MIL is like that.

Freeze what you can, take the rest of the leftovers to the fire station or police station for the first responders working the night shift, or see if there is a food rescue organization that collects leftovers (often they only take prepared food from safety-certified places like restaurants and hotels but they would take the cauliflower and purchased items likes cakes/pies). Maybe there's an elderly or sickly neighbor in your area who could use a home cooked meal? Or get a compost bin and put anything in there except meat, along with your veggie scraps and stale bread and whatever - at least it won't be wasted, and it will go back into your garden or flower pots!

ETA - just read your ETA about how she and your husband don't speak English in front of you. Has there been any effort to help you or the kids learn their language? If not, and if they always speak their language in front of you, then I get how it can be even more exclusionary. I wonder if her actions are highly culturally based? But it wouldn't hurt her - and your husband - to open up the conversation more, and it wouldn't hurt him to stand up for you about what a good mom you are. Maybe MIL tries even harder because the kids don't like what she cooks? Anyway, I feel your pain.

She's trying to say thank you for everything you and your DH do for her. I wouldn't say anything to her. But can you find a food bank or shelter to give the food to? I bet there's someone out there who would appreciate that food.

When someone gives you a gift, you have to be polite and say thanks. But you don't have to keep it.

I think if we lived near my mom she'd work hard on fattening us up. Food is how she shows love. As it is, when we visit she packs up leftovers to take home. It has nothing to do with me as a wife or a reflection on my own skills.

You don't have to eat things you don't want to eat. Give it to someone else or toss it. It's fine, seriously. I get not wanting to waste food, but that's not on your shoulders so try to shrug off guilt. My mom is a good cook but one time a pie she sent home with us tasted weirdly off. We tossed the whole thing and she has no idea.

The person you need to talk to about the food issue is your husband. If he's okay with this then you will probably need to find a way to reach your inner peace and let it go.

Speaking of talking, you mention that they don't speak English in front of you. Consider making it a personal goal to learn his home language. Your kids have such a great opportunity in front of them for being raised bilingual. If the rest of the household learns,I think it will improve your life, your marriage, and the kid's future prospects/opportunities.

This is why interracial marriage needs more than just love. Folk need to realize that a person's culture will be brought into the relationship.

Advice? Take the leftovers to work. Most places of work love to have food brought in.

She has time on her hands - and she needs something constructive to do with it.
She'd be a valuable volunteer at your local soup kitchen.
"Mom, you do so much for us and thank you - but we think your talents could help a lot more people and the soup kitchen is looking for volunteers. Give it a try! You'll be an inspiration to us all!".
Next time she brings over too much - call around and ask if your local fire station or police station takes food/meal donations - some do and they are very appreciative.
When my son's 5th grade teachers had too much left over after school parties - rather than take things home they took things over to the fire department - those guys are ALWAYS hungry!

Her love language is making sure those she loves are taken care of and she does that with food. Accept her food and if you don't want it give it away or toss it. My mom has food moths in her kitchen so any time she gives me anything I thanks her and toss it. I figure its like a gift; once given the person receiving can do anything he/she wants with it.

Can you freeze the soup in to smaller portions? When she tries to offer you more, say "No thank you" and explain that you still have frozen soup from last week. If she hears that enough, she should start to cut back.

I think you can sweetly say to her that you really appreciate all the wonderful food she makes for you, but that often she makes too much or gives you too much and it doesn't get eaten and you have to throw it away.

If after you tell her this, she still insists on giving you the food, simply take it, thank her, and then throw it away if you don't want it. Don't feel obligated to eat it if you don't want to.

It makes her feel helpful and important, and obviously cooking is her thing. So allow her to feel important. It won't hurt to secretly toss the food. Or give it to a soup kitchen if there's one close by, as Doris suggests.

I once had a friend like this and I also found it annoying, so I know what you are feeling! (And she was not from another culture) But it was just a huge part of her personality and I realized that I would never change her. It was her way of showing love. I think there is no way to tell your MIL without hurting her feelings terribly. To reject her food would mean you are rejecting her (in her mind). I think you just have to be more detached about it. Work on yourself and get to a point where it just does not bother you anymore. Just accept her as she is, flaws and all. Just take the food and thank you and tell her you love her too and give her a hug. Then don't eat it if you don't like it. Send it with your husband to work for his lunches! Or let it sit in the fridge and then ask your husband to clean out the old food in the fridge every few weeks...ha! ;)

Yeah...sounds like a real witch, what with the generosity and all....

Could this be a cultural thing? (They don't speak English in your presence and she constantly sends food your family doesn't eat bc they don't like it-- tofu soup? Ethnic foods?)

If it *is* a cultural thing, then figure out what she is doing by doing this. What need is she satisfying? Is it the norm for MIL's to send food? Or just to continue to dote on eldest sons? Or... ? Once you figure out what is truly behind the food gifting (it may not be that "she loves him and food is how she shows it" it could be something defined by her role in a different culture and not a controlling thing or whatever and maybe she doesn't even like doing this but feels obligated), then you can look for a path around it. Acknowledge her good work at _______and perhaps suggest an alternate way she can show her affection/desire to please her son.
Yes, maybe sending husband over with gifts for her would help. But it doesn't sound to me like she does this just to see her son. Maybe I'm reading it wrongly, but that doesn't seem to be the major emphasis in your post. Could she help with child care? Perhaps that would allow her a different option to "help" or "dote" on her adult child?

Every weekend my family that lives locally comes to my house. During football season we watch the games, and outside of football season we play board games or outside if it's nice. We always have food - sometimes a meal, sometimes appetizers. Yesterday was appetizers. I told my family I had actually gotten enough so no one else needed to bring anything at all.

My little sister showed up with a box of taco's, my brother brought potato salad and macaroni salad, and my parents brought baked beans and lemon bars. All of that was added to the pigs in a blanket, mini burgers, spinach dip, veggies and dip, chips and dip, and chocolate chip cookies we had put out. Was it too much? YES!! Is it always too much? YES!! Unless we plan an actual meal and then it's not too bad, but it's always a lot. I would NEVER be anything but grateful.

I hate wasting things, but people like to share what they can make, they like to contribute, they like to see people try things they love.

So I will likely throw some of the food away tomorrow - after we have had it for game day and leftovers on Monday, but no one's feelings will be hurt.

I think you should encourage your kids to try what MIL makes. Like another mom said, see what you can add to it to make it tastier.

I get that it can be annoying, but try to just be grateful. Don't feel bad tossing what you don't eat...or bring it to work, a neighbor, etc...

Why don't you work with her to find someone in need who would welcome the free food? As in "Mom, we are so blessed and I feel awful knowing how many people in our town go hungry. The next time you make soup, could I help you make a double batch to take to (whatever)?". Harness that resource for a good cause! If you are really in Arizona, I know that there is a large homeless population here and many senior citizens on limited income who might welcome a meal and a visit. I bet you could even find a group to connect her with needy people from her same country of origin.