How Come Speaking Your Mind Isn't Good?

Because people don't want to hear honesty, or the truth. They'd rather live in their perfect dream world where no one gets mad & everyone is a happy robot.

That being said, there is a time, way & place to express yourself. I think where people go wrong, is that instead of keeping cool, they wait until they are so mad about something that they end up "freaking out" and the other party tends to shut off.

Well, I guess it all depends on how you presented your concerns and, more importantly, are those issues really your business? Does the issue you have REALLY affect you in a physical or emotionally painful way or is it just something that annoys you? Think carefully about this and put the shoe on the other foot. Would you want your mom and sister pointing out your flaws and "issues" in the manner you presented your issues?

Perhaps your discomfort regarding Sunday's gathering reflects some guilt about how you handled the situation. If you truly felt "ok" with what you did then you'd have no problem dealing with the family on Sunday. Maybe it would make you feel better to do or say something nice and positive rather than skipping the event and letting the ill feelings fester.

I leave you with some great wisdom from my beloved mother-in-law: "Your opinion of me is none of my business. Please keep it to yourself."

Speaking your mind IS good. You can do it politely, yet confidently and firmly. It's time for you to learn how.

I hear ya!! :-)
Being the family bad guy is not easy, but necessary. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, secrets are the stuff that holds everyone together. My dad was an angry drunk, except no one knew it for years. He was the nicest guy, in public and if company was over. When we got home or they left the monster came out.
In 1999 I ended up filing a police report on him and he was arrested and jailed for a few days, after he attacked my son, me and my Mom. Instead of getting the 'are you okay' phone calls we got the 'how dare you phone calls'. To this day most of them won't talk to me or my Mom or my kids. They are soooo afraid of the truth it is easier for them to turn their backs on us.
I learned family is the people who love and support you---not the people who are related to you.
Speak your truth, it's important for your healing.

Speaking your mind is fine- being rude and aggressive isn't. If you "spoke your mind" by attacking them in any way or were yelling... well that's not okay.

If I have an issue with someone (especially a family member), I address it immediately and in a non-confrontational way. "Mom, it upsets me when you start every conversation with 'Are you pregnant yet?'. We're trying and I'll let you know when I know"- that was our chat yesterday. If you just address it politely as it comes up, you won't explode.

You need to go on Sunday and apologize for the way in which you approached your mother and sister. You don't have to apologize for being upset with them, but you should extend an apology for "how" you said it. If you apologize for your behavior and move on with the day, whatever "it" was that set off the argument won't get "bigger".

I think the problem here is you got tired of holding them in. That means you have not been speaking your mind, you have been holding it in and that tends to mean you blew up.

I speak my mind, if something is bothering me I nicely ask or discuss what is going on. I don't hold it in until it has grown into a monster because even when you think you are holding it in you are not. There are plenty of outward signs that people react to that usually make the problems worse.

Holding it in become an issue of multiple misunderstandings. :(

I am the blunt one in my family, I do not sugar coat most things, but I do try not to be condescending or judgemental, I just call it as I see it. Sometimes feelings do get hurt, and sometimes we will not talk for a while...but everyone knows where they stand with me, there is no tippy toe-ing around, and honestly I think that is a lot better.

I don't believe in holding things in. However, we can't always speak everything that flits through our brain. Sometimes we think things that are totally selfish. Other times we lack the way to express how something feels or how much it means to us without causing someone else pain or makes them feel we are being selfish.

Since you really haven't told us anything it's hard to say why it's so hard. Do you just FEEL guilty or do they really want you to feel guilty. Also, sometimes the person we need to speak to should be removed from the situation. Do you need a counselor?

I've always tended to just shoot from the hip and ask questions later. But I'm learning that I need to think more before I speak...and pray of course.

Expressing how YOUR feeling is one thing. Talk about other's issues sounds judgemental. I'm fairly blunt with my feelings, but careful of others issues... like I don't have any? Ha ha. I would hate it if someone was calling me out all the time when I'm just doing the best I can, like any of us. But walk on me, try to push my boundaries? Not happening.

Go to your moms on Sunday and be a better person. It's not personal, your family loves you it comes with the good, th bad and the ugly. I rather know where I stand....sometimes I pick my battles because I have kids and I'm a godmother to kids within the family. I usually address it in private and it always comes from a good place. I don't trust people who agree with everything and everyone :)

Depends on if it was really an issue or an issue for you. Presentation is another area that can get one into trouble. So you spoke your mind, great, now you have to deal with the consequences of that.

I may complain to my husband about someone but I generally don't go up to them and tell them. I just get over it.

I used to hold it all in and never "talk back", but when I was at a family gathering and my macho-man type brother and dad were getting cranky cause my 3.5 year old fell and didn't stop crying when they thought he should, I told them all loudly and firmly to back off and leave him alone. I had NEVER done that before, and it felt great.

Speaking your mind is perfectly fine, though depending on family dynamics, some people can't handle it and don't want it to happen. The main thing is HOW you speak your mind. Some stuff you need to deal with yourself before bringing them out into the open. Other things are better left unsaid. If you have a therapist, many things can be said to them and dealt with first so when you do bring them up with the people that are involved, you've dealt with it yourself first.

Blowing up after holding something in isn't necessarily healthy because it's an anger reaction. Being firm or stern in a statement isn't blowing up. Try to deal with the stuff - not hold them in, but process it first, THEN deal with others who are part of the issue.

Don't know what to do re. Sunday - if everyone's going to be upset the whole time, it's not worth it. If you're going to feel under pressure, maybe you shouldn't go. But if you can be peaceful and try to deal with the tough stuff later, then go and make peace. Good luck!

Take a step back and ask yourself some hard questions. Did you say anything hurtful? Did you give them a chance to say what they had to say and really listened to them? Was anything resolved? Did you give suggestions as to what you want to see change and how? Or just make accusations and complaints? If the exact same thing were said to you, in that exact same manner, what would your feelings and reaction have been? I know that you felt it necessary to unburden yourself, but did you just heave all your junk on them or did you try to resolve long time issues so that all relationships will be stronger and everyone will be able to heal? It's hard to look at the big picture sometimes, but, since you are going there on Sunday, it would be good to have a clear understanding as to what you were trying to accomplish inthe 1st place.

If you're not looking to change anything or make it better, rant to someone else. If a change needs to be made, talk to them about it, don't rant.

This is more blunt than I normally am, but I've got a MIL who says all sorts of things on the "I say what I feel" principle, and she is hurtful and is often not on speaking terms with family. Think of what you want to get out of it, if it is for you, rant to your best friend. If you want change, help them make a change, but don't expect them to love it.

K.

ps. i do think it's important to get things out!

It's hard to respond since so much depends on the circumstances. It's never a good idea to let feelings get bottled up. You have to talk to someone but that may not need to include confronting your family member directly. Think carefully about what you were trying to accomplish when you confronted them. Be honest with yourself first. Were you being judgemental, were your words helpful? Did you think about how your sister and mom would respond before speaking up? Were you providing guidance or trying to get them to do something your way? The last thing you want to do is to try to fix your mom and sister's problems. They are the only ones who can do that.

So, I gues that I am saying that while it is important to speak up, you must think things through first. Sometimes people just don't want your help. When it comes to family, you may just need to vent to a good friend instead. I agree with the other response: go to your mom's house and be the best person you can be. On the other hand, if your family truly is harming you and causing you grief be honest with yourself. You can't change people and you might just need to keep your distance to preserve your own sanity.

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I rarely hold it in... it doesn't help when you keep trying to sublimate your feelings.

I'm the only non religious, democrat in my immediate family and the majority of both sides are either Christians and or Republicans - so I'm always the odd one out anyways...

It's not healthy to keep things inside. Maybe some people can't deal with any type of confrontation and basically just expect others to keep their mouths shut.

My husband's family always keeps things inside and are in complete denial about some serious issues that need to be talked about. In addition, they are extremely passive aggressive toward us. My husband and I have decided to start speaking our mind, tactfully, and in certain cases we have found it necessary to stand up for ourselves. Yes, we're the bad guys for it. And now they no longer speak to us!

If you dish it out you have to be able to take it when it's your turn. Take it from someone who speaks her mind. Go to the swim day and have fun and be willing to listen to how they feel as well. Communication is two ways and if you want them to respect your feelings you have to be willing to respect thiers.