How Can I Suggest to My Hubbie That He Might Be Bipolar?
Updated on
May 21, 2008
K.D.
asks from
Cary, NC
5
answers
Wow, a recent posting by another mom made me realize that my husband is probably bipolar also. It runs in his family. His mom (who has passed on) and 2 sisters have been diagnosed with it. His sisters take medications and still have troubles coping at times. My husband has always been proud of the fact that he does not have the disease too. His mom and his brother were also diagnosed with schizophrenia. His dad was never diagnosed but always had an explosive temper and would yell at his mom in front of us even. So, when my husband would explode I always attributed it to his dad's temper and that he learned it from him. But maybe his dad was bipolar also, just undiagnosed.
Anyway, now it is dawning on me that he has the symptoms of Bipolar II disorder (I googled it). He is always exhausted, yells at us a lot - sometimes for a reason, sometimes for no reason, & never smiles or laughs. My kids are teenagers and they do not like him much, in fact they often say they hate him. I have Type 1 diabetes and I get irritable when my sugar gets high, so I am not perfect either.
This has put a terrible rift in our relationship. I am not sexually interested in him because he will be sweet that night and then yell at me the next day. He has yelled at me in front of the kids and called me an idiot, slapped me in the car in front of the kids, etc. I have yelled at him too, unfortunately. We are just roommates at this point and I know he has girlfriend(s). At this point I don't care about that.
Financially, I cannot afford to leave him so we are staying together until the kids are on their own. But what saddens me is how the kids do not like him. We avoid him best we can, but sometimes it can't be done.
Sorry, I went on so long. Any suggestions on how I can broach the subject that he might be Bipolar II (the lesser of the 2 bipolar disorders) and might want to pursue medication without getting into a huge fight? I am doubtful there is a way but I thought I would ask.
I want to add some more info as I may have given the wrong impression. The slapping my legs in the car was a one time thing years ago. It has never happened before or since. The yelling at me and calling me an idiot was also years ago and was a one time thing. I have chewed him out for both things and he regretted it. I was upset when I posted my question and it made me realize why these things happened. Now it is mostly yelling and it is fairly rare. There is no physical abuse. It's just mainly that he seems disconnected from us and unhappy and irritable and he doesn't sleep well (he falls asleep during family movie night usually) and sometimes the yelling seems to be for no reason when it happens (thus probably the bipolar). I asked my daughter recently if she would like us to get a divorce and she said no. My son is highly functional autistic and a change in his routine, like with a divorce, would throw him way back on his progress in school. They are only a couple of years from being on their own. I have started up family dinners (and everyone has been civil during those), organizing the house, and started music lessons for the kids. Everybody seems happier. I think we are past counseling and I am pretty positive he is not interested, but I think medication would help him to connect better with his kids, even out his moods, and help him to sleep. So if anyone has any thoughts on how to broach the topic let me know.
More Answers
L.C.
answers from
Raleigh
on
Hello K.:)
I would say it how it is. If it's really bipolar, he can not controll it and needs medications(my MIL works at Duke in psychiatric unit and I have heard too many stories about family history and with his it's a red flag).I am not sure how you can reason with somebody who has an issue like this without getting in the fight.If it will worth for you at the end to take a risk and get your wonderful husband/father back (I guess he was that once, since you married him), than go for it.
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L.P.
answers from
Raleigh
on
Hi K.,
Sorry for your position. I am a little confused. Are you saying you know the marriage will end at some point (when the kids are out of the house)? Then why bother with your husband. The part about your kids is what stands out to me. My parents waited until I was 18 to divorce - that was worse than if they just did it when I was younger. It doesnt set a good example for them and they will more than likely repeat the lifestyle they grew up with. For their benefit, I think if they saw you stand up and walk out, it would do great things for their self worth (thank God they're not girls).
Someone who hits and cheats on you isnt worth it. I think the counseling is a good idea and the therapist can bring up the bipolar stuff.
Good luck,
L.
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P.G.
answers from
Raleigh
on
Hi K.~
It sounds like things are beyond just getting him on meds. You both probably need counseling and that's if you are both willing to salvage your relationship. I wanted to hit on a the part where he physically and verbally abuses you and the kids. Speaking from experience, this is something very serious and when you said you want to "stay together for the kids", well, what will your kids gain from seeing their father this way and seeing how unhappy you may be? That is telling them that that is what they should do in a relationship. That is not teaching them what moms and dads should act like, or husbands and wives, even though they are teens. They are not in a safe environment and you need to take some kind of action. And why would you want to stay with a man who treats you like that? No woman deserves that. He doesn't seem to be the man you married or the father that your kids knew. There are so many resources for women with kids who are battered. You have choices and resources. Get yourself and your kids out of that environment. This is definitely beyond taking meds. Good luck!
Paula G.
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K.S.
answers from
Raleigh
on
How can your children like an abusive man? I would start with counseling for you. Have you got a doc? Ask him. This is a major problem. You need to have been going to school for something all along so you can get out. Does he make such wonderful money that you can't maintain the lifestyle/ Why don't you have a powwow with the kids. They are certainly old enough to have sugg. Good luck and God Bless. A bipolar on meds is fine, without, horrid.
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D.P.
answers from
Raleigh
on
Just bring it up point blank and back it up with some information for him to read. If he is proud that he doesn't have the disorder, then hearing this will either anger him or throw him further into denial. Just know there is only so much you can do. You can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.
Then, I would just say start planning your exit strategy. Why live like this? The whole situation sounds horrible, and although the kids may not want a divorce, they also have no idea what life is like without the "elephant" in the room. Your kids are almost adults now, and should be of a mind and maturity to understand what is going on.
