How Can I Help My 8 Year Old Daughter Make Friends at School?

Sports and or girl scouts. The girls they know outside of school are the first they think to invite.

Be cautious about solving your daughter's 'problems' for her. She has the ability to figure things out on her own and it is extremely important that she has the space to refine her problem solving skills.

You can listen to her and ask questions in such a way that she will talk to you to find out what some of her insecurities are. You can support her best by listening, validating, and reflecting back to her. Ask: "Tell me what you are most afraid the other kids think about you at school" Then listen without interupting. Don't immediately say: "oh, that so isn't true about you" Instead, listen to her answer and then ask her more questions that lead to her discovering whether her thought process is true or not.

Too often as parents we try to make the "bad" things go away instead of providing the tools our children need to deal with the "bad" things. It is important that we learn the tools of communication, problem solving, conflict resolutions, feeling and expressing emotions appropriately, etc. Our children are fully capable of dealing with whatever shows up if we simply give them a little more space to do so and a few good tools. There is a big difference between "fixing" and "supporting."

She needs to become a "joiner". Join Girl Scouts, a soccer team, anything where she can play regularly with other girls FROM HER CLASSROOM. It's great to have other kids her age, from other classes so that when they switch rooms next year she'll know someone, but this year, have her ask other kids what else they do, where they do it, etc. Those groups/teams help build friendships. Then you can call the other mom and offer to carpool or keep their kid over to play and have lunch.

Also, start inviting some girls over NOW for playdates. We have been doing playdates all this week since we got the teacher assignments. We've been focusing on kids that will be in my kids classroom. We've gone to all the playdate/meet the teacher/meet the principal days just to get my kids to see other friends, run up and down the hallways, find their lockers, and meet their teachers BEFORE school starts.

Another idea, why not invite all the girls from her class to a movie night or backyard party very soon? You could even make it a simple after school Friday BBQ and ice cream social?

I think it takes effort on the part of us moms to encourage/foster friendships beyond an acquaintance level. Esp if you don't have kids in your neighborhood who are always out running around together.

Best wishes!

I agree with the play dates. My daughter is very reserved and quiet around new people. When she started preschool she had a very tough time until one of the little girls asked her to come over some day. We did eventually set up a play date and many more to come. Now this girl is one of her really good friends, although while at school they tend to play with different kids. But it helped my daughter feel more secure in school and more open to meeting others. So my vote goes to playdates too.

Also check with the school to see if they have a program for kids that need help socially. Our public school offers them, the kids meet once a week with the teacher and she helps them with whatever "issues" each child has. Things like what to say to make friends, some games they can start that maybe other kids will want to play, reasons why some kids may not want to play with them and how to work on those things. Like my son was opposite, we was way too outgoing and so he had to learn that there are different personalities and that sometimes he could be "too much" for some kids and they didn't want to play with him. So the teacher taught him somethings and now he's much better. I hope you find some things that can help her. Good luck!

I think it's great you want to help your daughter, but I don't think you should get too involved here.

I've heard of one mom that sent a joke with her kid's lunch every day for him to share. Get her involved in activities OUTside of school that she really enjoys - it will put her with other girls her age that enjoy the same things.

My daughter is starting K this year and she had a hard time making friends in preschool - everyone liked her well enough, but no one ever invited her over to play. But you know what? It's not my job to make friends FOR her! I mean, am I going to go to her college or first job and bring cupcakes so everyone likes her?? NOPE. She needs to learn how to engage people her own age and make friends.

What I WILL do is keep telling her how fun, smart, funny, kind and wonderful she is so that she doesn't need that validation from her peers.

in addition to the pps' suggestions for playdates and extracurricular activities, maybe try something like meeting up with other school families at a local playground. What kids of activities does she like to do? If she likes crafts, invite a few classmates over for a 'craft playdate' (sites like http://familyfun.go.com/ and http://www.dltk-kids.com/ have plenty of ideas for fun things kids can make with recycled items like cereal boxes and cardboard tubes). If she likes playing board games, have a "board game playdate" (my Aspie 9YO daughter invited a half dozen classmates for a "summer game day" playdate - we used evite, about 4 of them were able to come, and they had a great time playing Jenga, Zooreka, and Uno).

I think it's a great idea to bring in a special snack. Take it to school rather than send it with her. That way you'll have the opportunity to mention that it was your daughter's idea to get a treat for her classmates. Hopefully, the teacher will allow her to help serve it too. It will definitely come across as a nice gesture from her if she is actually the one passing it out. Pizza sounds great, but you might consider one of those big cookies (about the size of a pizza) from your grocery store's bakery. Have them put "School is Cool!" or something like that on top and don't forget the sprinkles. It's a proven fact that friendships can be made with frosting and sprinkles! She'll be the most popular girl in school that day! I have one other suggestion. As a teacher, I would appreciate a sweet treat for my students at the end of the day. LOL! So check with her teacher before bringing it in if you decide to bring something sweet.

okay, please don't "buy" your daughter's friends....& that's the category the pizza falls into for me. :)

Instead, the other posters had excellent ideas for finding ways to help your daughter break out of her shell.....get her into some activities where she can really begin to relate to other children. Scouts, religion school, sports - are all great opportunities for socialization! Find something for her to do with other kids....& you'll all be happier.....Peace.

I say go for the playdates. Even if she does not know the other little girls from class very well, invite them over. Do just one child at a time so that the get to know your daughter. I can understand your concern, but unfortunately you can only do so much for her. Try the playdates, join activities or find out where the local dance class is and see if you can sign her up. Odds are good that she will "know" some one in her class. When kids this age see each other on a regular basis outside of school, it helps in the friendship building. Good Luck. :)

Maybe she just doesn't have the need to have kids around her all the time. We just moved to a new community last year and the kids here were all nice to my daughter and she seems to have fun when she's with them, but she doesn't go out of her way to want playdates or sleepovers the way some kids do. It doesn't seem to bother her to just be alone some times. I think if I pushed her to have friends she would just resent me. I guess what I'm saying is maybe it's just part of her personality to be more of a loner.