How Can I Help My 11 Yr Old Female Child with Her Anxiety?

Can you get her to articulate what her fears are? Two tips I was given was to listen but don’t reinforce fears, and also walk through a worse case scenario- what if her worst fear for the situation came true? How could she handle it to make the best of it?

There are some more good tips on this site for helping kids manage anxiety: https://childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-...

Haven't you ever tried anything and found out you didn't like it after all? If she doesn't want to play then let her drop it and try something else. If she still has anxiety in general ask your pediatrician for a referral to a therapist. That's what helped my daughter at that age.

Is there a reason that you refer to her as your "female child" in your title instead of "daughter"? "Female child" is a very clinical way to describe your daughter! At her age, heading into puberty, she will benefit from all the love and support from you that she can get, mom...more caring emotions from you might help with her anxiety!

'female child.' ?

are you sure she's refusing to play out of anxiety? is it possible she simply discovered that she doesn't like softball after all?

does she have anxiety in other aspects of her life?

if it's just softball related, it's easy. stop going.

if it's everywhere, she probably could benefit from some professional help.

khairete
S.

On the one hand she did beg you to sign up.
On the other hand its suppose to be a fun activity for her and it's not giving her any joy.
At 11 I suppose I would allow her to quit.
It's not a hill worth dying on and it's as much misery for you to be dragging her to practice as it is for her to be dragged.
But I'd have a long talk with her to really carefully think over things she'd like to try next because next time she's going to have to finish out the season.

Team sports can be a lot of pressure and they aren't for everyone.
Perhaps taekwondo or skating or an art class might be a better fit for her.
Something that's more about improving her own performance against herself rather than competing against others might work well for her.

It depends on whether the anxiety is related to this particular activity or perhaps to sports in general or this group of kids in general, or if she exhibits this in other areas.

If the first, then she should be able to drop it but you should listen to her reasons without judgment or opinion (as mentioned below). If it's generalized, then you need to get her help. You can't talk a person out of strep throat or a broken leg, and you can't talk them out of anxiety. An objective professional is your best bet.

Mynewnickname - that's the best link/article I've seen on dealing with anxiety with kids. I saved that one :) thanks.

Is it just soccer?

Does she just not like it - my kids have wanted to try things and found it wasn't for them. Not liking something and wanting to ditch it vs. anxiety - not same thing. Can you elaborate?

* I came back to see if you'd added more details, and you haven't so far. Hopefully you will. Hard to advise without more info.

Here's what I know from having a child who has mild anxiety. If they love the sport and anxiety is getting in the way, help her deal with the fear. Fear is a physical/mental response - like their body/reaction is in overdrive. It's not a rational fear. It makes no sense. Get her to talk - what is causing her fear about going to softball?

Address each fear - if it's that she won't be good, then say What's the worst that will happen? Someone make fun? What is likelihood of that? Has that happened to her before? Probably not right? So what is chance? 1%? What would/could she do if it happens? Come up with a plan. She can tell the coach. She can just say "That's not very kind of you. We're a team". Empower her. The main thing is - the worst case scenario is NOT likely to happen. What's more likely to happen? Then you help her to see that typically no one cares. No one cares if she doesn't do well. She gives it her best.

If she isn't doing well - maybe take her to practice. Get out there and play with her in the backyard.

Just listen.

If this is a crippling fear, then maybe a therapist is a good step.

Usually though, it's not just one thing with kids with anxiety. A lot of it has to do with empowerment, but kids with anxiety can have confidence. They don't have to lack self esteem. It's just that's one way to help them - to let them know how to handle it - the worst case scenario - with plans. That's a tool. My kid could handle going to camp by having a plan. Then she loved it. Next time, much easier :)

Why is she refusing?? Did something happen? How many times has she gone to practice? Did she have anxiety about anything before softball started?

Please get her a therapist that can help her. I was diagnosed with anxiety at 7 and my life has been hell. I’m finally learning to manage with the help of two therapists. One who specializes in emdr and just a therapist to talk to. Anxiety is not something that just goes away. Do not ignore this! Has she said why she doesnt want to go?

What do you mean by "uncontrollable"? Crying, in a rage, throwing up? Or jittery, antsy, etc?

Is this the first official team sport she's been on? Is the anxiety limited to just the softball practice or do other things (answering questions aloud in school, for example) also make her nervous?

Did you spend money for this softball experience? Did you buy a uniform or cleats or a glove? Did you pay to register her? If you did, I feel that needs to be taken into consideration. She's 11, not 2, so she has a basic comprehension of money. She shouldn't just be allowed to walk away from a commitment that cost the family money, even if you could comfortably afford it. She should consign her glove and cleats, and earn some money back to repay the registration costs by doing extra chores.

And make sure she knows that future begging and begging will not just be answered with a casual "sure!". If she begs to be on a gymnastics team or dance team, she'll have to put something into it, she'll have to save some money or earn some so that she's invested in this endeavor. She'll have to discuss the time requirements, the practices, the costs, and have a plan in place to deal with the stress.

If her anxiety is limited to softball, and it won't hurt the team if she quits (if she quits will they still have enough players?), then perhaps use this as a lesson learned, and let her mature a little more before committing to a team.

If her anxiety is all over the place, get her some therapy. Explain that it's like anything else - you need a coach or a teacher to learn something, whether it's sports or science or art. And a therapist can be like a coach, to help learn a skill that doesn't come easily, which in her case is dealing with anxiety.

Hi there, I am a mom of a 14 yr old who has anxiety about team sports as well. I basically told my son that he needed to give each sport a try, finish out a season and if he didn't want to play again then ok. But, at this age, your child is a preteen, I would have her continue. This is, as long as her refusal is about fellow players ir coach not treating her kindly. It's a tough call, let them quit when it is a good lesson to see things through to the end.
Talk with her about why she doesn't want to play anymore. If she just started then leaving the team is not a big deal, but otherwise have her continue.

She is part of the team. She owes it to her team to show up and participate. I’d make her get dressed and show up to every practice and every game. She made a commitment and she needs to honor it. No ifs ands or buts. Suck it up, buttercup! I’d also not cajole or let her manipulate the situation or the coaches. Drop her off at practice and drive away. She will suck it up if she thinks you’re gone.