How Can I Get My 3 1/2 Year Old to Sleep All Night... ALONE?!!!

Hi M.:
I enjoyed the response from SH. It's always refreshing hearing from those mommy's that have been there done that. I don't have much to add,however when you mentioned that you work at his school,I thought of something. Putting yourself in the child's shoes sometimes,helps one to better understand them.Your being involved in his school,as an assistant,is awesome.Not all mothers can or will make the time to do such a wonderful thing. While its obviously an advantage for you both to be sharing that time together,it could also be part of the reason he yearns one on one attention from you at home. He may feel he is having to share you with the other children while at school. He obviously feels lucky,and proud that so many of his peers are fond of his mom,but he likes it better when he can have you all to himself.His actions, at home aren't because he misses you,they're because Your HIS MOM...and dog-gone it.... to many people love you. Have patience,and understand this phase will pass.I wish you and your darlin son the best. J. M

Love Susan's Response, and 2nd Julia's suggestion about school and work.

My son is almost 3 (July) and we have gone through SOO many incarnations of seperation anxiety, and other things like growth spurts, night fears and teething.

Like Susan, I've co-slept with my son in a variety of ways. But, I don't have more than one. There are a few things you can try to do in the meantime to get your son to relax at night. Have you thought about creating a 'sleep spot' for him in your room. My Mom and Dad did this for me when my Mom was preggers with my sister, and after my sister was born she was so noisy I was over sharing the space with them. But, it was just a little cot for me with cute sheets and pillows and IF I missed Mommy I got to sleep there.

You could try 'sleep seperation' which has gotten very popular since the Super Nanny started. It's basically gradually pulling you away from him, sort of like CIO but, with older kiddos. My friend did it and has no complaints...but, I couldn't imaging letting my son cry for any reason.

You can also try talking to him about the baby. Make him aware of how tired Mommy can get because you're helping the baby grow...and, like Susan said this can be a huge adjustment for the first born. Trying to understand where this little person came from and what are they doing here??? It's a huge process and confusing. With my son, even though it's just us, I've made him my 'super helper' and he sorts socks and helps me vacuum and wash dishes...he's the best at helping when we work together!!

Unfortunately, there is no right or wrong, just whatever works for your family. Ask your hubby for help figuring out what the best options are and come up with a game plan for everyone that works.

Don't worry it will get better!

*Adding this: I remember when I was that age (and older), I used to, in the middle of the night, get lonely and scared in my room by myself... and I would get up, walk down our dark scary hallway, and go to my Parent's room and squeeze myself in between them. They let me. I grew out of it in time. I went off to high school and college just fine and was perfectly fine. No harm.
Kids in addition to "separation anxiety" also evolve in terms of their "bonding" with their Mommy... it changes and fluxes and sometimes they DO get more clingy or needy or missing you even if you are right there in the same room. Its normal though.

They go through various stages of separation anxiety at each age-set.... and its manifested in different ways, again per their age.
And yes, at this age (and onward) they get "night mares" and night time 'fears' and feel alone.

My son, from about 2.5 years old, which he is now, has "changed" and he's gotten more "clingy" with me in a very cozy way and he is always telling me "my Mommy..." and "Love Mommy..." and then he just wants to be close to me and hangs onto me like a baby Koala and just smiles like he is so happy just being on my lap. I know it's just a phase.
But, I also co-sleep with him, when need be.
We have a floor futon on the floor of our bedroom, where our kids can sleep or co-sleep when need be. We don't mind.

My daughter is 6 years old, and she STILL gets occasional 'fears' at night.. .and gets genuinely 'scared' at night. Its just her imagination, but which is normal stuff for this age. We just console her and my Hubby even checks the outside with a flashlight... but she still gets scared of any little night time noises. We let her sleep in the floor futon in our room whenever she wants.

Your son is normal. It's "growing pains" too, of which there are many things a kid goes through.

You are also pregnant, and so naturally, this affects a child. He probably "misses" you, and knows darn well that another baby is coming. Just keep him in the loop and they need extra attention and reassurances. When the baby does arrive, and gets home, he will need extra of everything... and he will need lots of time to adjust... and its normal.

When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, I involved my first-born in everything... we took photos together each month with my growing tummy, I took her to my pre-natal exams and the Doctor even taught her how to use the heart-beat monitor on my tummy, we went shopping together for baby and I let her pick things herself as a "gift" for her baby brother, I let her massage my tummy and just let her talk to me about it and ask questions, I asked her to tell me anything she was wondering about, about her baby brother etc.

Once her brother came home, I spent every extra time I had, with her. COnsistently. My Husband did too. We kept her own routines the SAME.... with the thought that she should not have to give up anything, just because she was now the "oldest" & another baby was home. We kept everything consistent for her and "special" just for her. A child needs that.

It will be busier with 2 kids... but more time has to be spent on the "eldest" child too. Or they will feel lost and frustrated and irked. LET him adjust to it all at his own pace.. and let him express any feelings/frustrations to you, and let him know it's OKAY to do so. Once they know they are still "important" to you, it helps them. And talk with him about it. I would ask my daughter "Tell Mommy anytime you are feeling frustrated... or something is bothering you now that you have a brother..." She felt validated that way and it helped.

Engage your son to "help Mommy" and show him all about his new baby sibling. Even when you have to rest... tell him "Mommy has to rest now... can you lay next to me?"

For me, when I had my 2nd child, it was also when we enrolled my first-born into Preschool. She LOVED it and it was HER own "special" thing, once her baby brother came home... and it gave her a break too, to just have time with her own friends and routines & it was a positive outlet for her. And it gave ME time to just be with my son as a baby, and get us into a routine too.

Your son, like most kids, has many things going on at the SAME time... so, even at night. And well, its not easy for them either. And his life is changing... his Mommy is pregnant and he is going through his own developmental changes as well.
A good book is "Your 3 Year Old" or, "Your 4 Year Old" which you can get from www.amazon.com It's a great series that explains EACH age-set, so we parents understand what each age goes through and it's characteristics.

Good luck, sorry for rambling,
Susan

Hi M., Nobody tells you because it's different for different parents. at 3 1/2 he is old enough to understand bed time is bed time, and it sounds like mom you are not being firm, and you are allowing your son to set the pace, for the nights. Right now sweetie he is used to mommy coming in his bed, so now it has become routine and a bad habit. The only way to break the habit is to stop going in his room at night, you need your rest, get your husband to help you teach him that he needs to sleep and not cry not get up except to go potty, so you don't get ran down. It's just a matter of training and teaching, and loveling being firm and consistant, the I love you is sweet, but it's also manipulative and it works, Hope this helps. J. l.