How Big Should a Preschoolers Birthday Party Be?

We usually have about 20 people at my son's parties, grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins and then a couple friends and their families make quite a crowd. I usually host them at my house to save $ and serve kid friendly food. I have been to parties where the adults were entertained along with the kids and they were really fun. The kids are off playing and the adults enjoy some drinks and adult conversation. Probably as my son gets older we will do separate family parties and friend parties but for now the mixed crowd works great.

You clearly feel that this type of party is inapropriate, why do you need a group of other people to validate this?
If you don't like the parent's idea of a child's party, then you should probably decline the invitation.

Different strokes for different folks. I think that one should feel free to do what they feel is appropriate for their families--if you want a big party go for it, if you don't want one, then don't have one.

So, are you asking if we think you should have a party like this for your child, or are you asking that we pass judgement on another family's style of celebrating?

Some cultures view birthdays as a big deal and celebrate with many friends and family. If this is how they choose to recognize the child's birthday, it's fine. You don't have to go.

It sounds like you've already made your mind up about the party. I would just let your friend know that you are unable to make it. Be honest if she asks why.

Growing up in the midwest/east coast, big parties are very common, and fun! I remember going to birthday parties with huge buffets of food, a bar for the grown ups (oh my goodness people consumed alcohol at a party where there were kids, Mercy!), lots of kids and lots of music... It's one thing I've noticed about the PNW since moving here 10 years ago, people tend to be insular and extremely child-focused in the "the kid needs to know that we believe it's all about him/her all the time" kind of way. My parents had a large baby shower for us at a brew pub, it was a couples party and it was a blast!! And yes, there were kids there, and no they aren't all raging alcoholics now. We had a small party for our daughter's one & two year parties, then decided we wanted to have more fun and since parents would have to stay with their kids we did a big party for everyone (30 people total)for her 3rd.

You don't think the 4 year old gets that it's his special day?? Really? It sounds like you want it to be about your son too... "I really don't want to go because he won't even know we are there" If that's the case, don't go.

Do you know the family's situation? Perhaps they have lots of relatives and don't want to leave anyone out. It's easy to have a party "off site" and not have the set up/clean up that home parties have. Perhaps they ARE having a smaller party with just his closest friends but didn't want to leave out all his friends (or mom's friends-- what would you do if you found out she had this party and DIDN'T invite you??).

It sounds like you don't want to go, so find a way to let your son celebrate with her son another time.

My in-laws throw these types of parties for every occation. At first I thought it was innappropriate to have this type of party for a child, but I now look forward to these parties. It makes it fun for everyone, adults and kids. Brings everyone together. I (with the help of my in-laws) threw one of these parties when my daughter turned 1. It was fantastic. Lots of people came, many I didn't know. Lots of kids running around having a great time, and adults playing volleyball. I should mention my in-laws are from a different culture than I am, where big parties are standard. My mil threw me a giant baby shower and it was great. No one had to find childcare because everyone was welcome (except men). Which was quite a nice suprise for my friends. Bottom line, try it out, if you don't like it, don't attend another.
But to say the family doesn't have the kid in mind when planning this type of party is presumptuous. Maybe they dont, but maybe they do and are just used to doing things differently

This is totally for the parent and not the child.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

Personally, we think most children birthday parties, before the age of five, that consist of more than just family are completely for the parents. Mostly because I can't imagine this little four year old telling her mommy that she wants to invite all those people and have it at a restaurant other than Chuck E Cheese.

Its a celebration of their child! It does not matter if they choose to celebrate with one person or 100. I know people who do not do anything for their child's birthday, I think that is very sad, but would never judge a family for having too big of a party. When I lived in the UK we would invite the entire neighborhood, rent bouncy castles, BBQ, the parties would go all afternoon, and everyone had a great time, including my birthday boys. This was how we all did it, and we all had fun. I found it sad when I got back to the US and realized that people seem to think that celebrating your child's birth is only important for older children, and that having a large celebration is considered by some too much. Maybe it is because they do not feel comfortable throwing large parties, and so they feel the need to judge so they feel good about themselves? The important thing about a birthday is that the person feels special. If that means a nice family dinner, or a huge party, that does not matter.

That said, if you do not want to go, then don't, but do not blame the parents for your not wanting to go. So you do not get enough attention at the party? It is not a party for you, it is for the birthday child. Just let the parent know you can not attend, no need to give a reason.

I am sure you've received a ton of emails about this, but I have to agree with you that this party for a four year old is WAY too big. I don't necessarily take issue with where it's being held (although I wouldn't choose that type of location for my almost 5 year old), but it just seems to me that this is over the top. My son was allowed 10 guests at his last party and that was more than enough. The only time we had a really large party was for his first birthday and yes, it was mostly adults, but I think that's way different. I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I'd send a gift to acknowledge the birthday but skip the party. What activities would there be for kids at a bar/restaurant?

That's not a preschooler's party, that's the parents' party! A preschooler's party only involves a handful of kids and activities strictly for them. Their parents don't even have to be there, and there certainly is no alcohol there. My 5-year-old was allowed only 5 children at his party and I will up it by one each year. Frankly, I wouldn't be comfortable taking my preschooler to a party like your friends'.

It depends on what the child would enjoy most.If the child is super outgoing and the majority of guests are adults, I can see it getting big. Plus, if their family is huge, they may have trouble choosing only a few to invite. Sometimes, parents are thinking about getting their child hoards of gifts too.

If you don't want to go, and think it is too overwhelming, then don't go. Tell the mom that it is just too overwhelming for you and your son, and you'd like to have a more intimate play date where you and your son can celebrate his birthday then.

If you look at Parent,s mag.or some other child related site, you will see that a four year old should have 4 to 5 children at the party.
Two hours is max for a child that age and it should be structured. An example of a nice party would be at the farm which is a petting zoo with a set up with table, ballons and coloring books with the animals from the farm inside with crayons for party favors. We had face painting and decorating the cowboy hats with flowers. Then we went to ride the ponies and pet the animals. By then an hour had gone by and we had a potty break. Then we had cake and presents for 30 mins. and the end of the party was a pinata outside for 20 mins. and then the party was over.Plenty long for these little ones and two hours of fun which was ALL about the 5 little ones at to the party. it is not a place for alcohol and adult time it is suppose to be for and about the kids. This whole party with cake, drinks and everything was only 185.00 dollars and the four year old is still talking about it and she is almost five. She loves to look at all the photos of the fun and her friends and cousin.
I have read that the three big parties for kids are 5 years old (school age) , 10 years old cuz they are now a double digit old and of course sweet sixteen. More people like you are talking about is just overwhelming for the child and not that fun for them. Oh well a lot of people just do not use available tools to find out what would work best for their child. At least they did not forget the birthday.
Oh yeah another thing i did for only 35.00 dollars was I had the character Dora the Explorer come to the party , cute and bigger than life and the kids loved her. Just some ideas I used. R.

That party is definitely for the parents. I personally disagree with having a four year old's birthday party at a bar/restaurant with alcohol served! A four year old's party should be with close family and a few friends. How is a four year old going to even have fun at this place?? They should be at a kid friendly place where all of the kids can play and have fun! They aren't going to be happy campers with sooo many people and having to just sit!

I personally would not take my child to this party. If your son is good friends with the birthday boy, perhaps you could have him come over to play with your son one day.

Sound more like your friend is having a party for herself, that happens to be on her child's birthday.

I am a pretty strong believer that a birthday party should be fun for the person whose birthday it is. It's really hard to have fun with a ton of kids around - and in an adult setting...

For us, no more attendees than years, keep it short, keep it simple. Most pre-schooler parties melt down after the sugar rush anyways, after the cake it's time to go home!

I actually doubt that I would be attending such a large party in such an inappropriate setting... but if you go: Have Fun!

WOW. That's WAY too much for a four year old...has to be for the adults. I was always informed that the best amount of children to attend a child's party is dependent on the child's age. I.E. If the child is four, then it would be four children plus the child. And to have a children's birthday party at a bar/restaurant???? I personally think that if it's supposed to be a party for a four year old, they need to stick to a FOUR year old theme. Sounds more like they're using the child's bday party as an excuse to party harty themselves. Hmph.

Just RSVP that you won't be able to make it to the party, that's all don't give any reasons. If she asks, just say you already had plans for that time.

It sounds like mom & dad like to socialize and having a big party for their preschooler is a good excuse. Do they realize the party is not really about their child? Who knows.
I think a four year old needs a party where adults are not the focus but helping with the party would be more appropriate. The rule of thumb should be not too much more guests then the age of the child, so maybe 4-6 children would be manageable with activities they would enjoy. Children don't need fancy stuff to have fun.

For a four year old I think a small party with the kids he really likes would be the best, that's what I've been doing with my children, 3 and 5. We do it at home, very simple and we invite close friends and relatives.
All the kids at the party play together and the best thing, we don't get a ton of presents.
We never serve alcohol, I think it's totally inapropriate.
Good luck.

I think that it doesn't matter...if you are not comfortable going - just say so! You can always suggest a play date with your children instead..."Sorry, we can't come to celebrate, but I would love to set up a playdate for the kids...and maybe have birthday cupcakes!" Her party may be for adults (and is not my style) but that may be what she is used to with her family and friends...

PS,

Why the heck would a parent plan a party for their 4 year old at a restaurant with alcohol????? Ok, a few more swear words in that sentence, but I'm trying to be G-rated here. That is not a party for the child, it's a party/excuse to get drunk for the parents.

Typically at that age a child can only handle a few kids. The guideline I've heard is invite one child per year of age. Anything more and the birthday child has a high chance of becoming overwhelmed.

I think I would pass on going as well.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Once my kids started school I started having a party for the family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) then we had a separate party for the kids. As for how many, they say a good rule of thumb is to have guests the same number as the child's age. I always invited more because my kids have lots of friends, and there are always some who can't attend. At the age of 4 a person is asking for melt downs if there is too much stimulation or if the party is too long. I will also echo the suggestion of arranging a play date with cupcakes and letting your son give the other boy his present. This way you can graciously bow out of the big party with the excuse that a party like the one she has planned is too overwhelming for your child. Yet your child will still get to celebrate his friend's birthday.

How big the party is depends. MY sons birthday always has between 20 and 30+ people,Over half is family. Its at the pumpkin patch so more of a family affair. Totally kid focued! As its there day.

Oh, it's definitely for the parent! I laugh at this because I think back on the parties I gave for my kids when they were 2,3 and four years old, I worked so hard and invited all the parents and - oh, the parties were fun, but do my kids remember even a minute of it? NOT at ALL! (my kids are 10 and 7 now) If you don't feel comfortable going, I would say stay home and enjoy some quiet time with your son...I'm sure people would understand and if there are so many people there, within a week, no one will even remember if you were there or not! Don't worry about it!
Stephanie