Housecleaning

Dear S., Well, yeah, there are millions of us just like you. I went back to college when my kids were about 9 and 12. It wasn't easy, but it was a good thing for the overall situation for the family.

Can you have someone come in to help you with the deep cleaning? ...or with some part of the house keeping, so that you can just do the laundry and stuff like that. Then you can have more time with the kids.

Good luck, C. N.

You know your husband was a neat freak and chose to marry him anyway-you won't be able to change that now. It's all a matter of your attitude and how you embrace things. You mention that the whole family helps clean before going out. What a great thing to all work together, go have some fun and come back to a tidy place.

First make sure you aren't putting undo pressure on yourself . Do you set out to do things and get sidetracked? Do you need to cut back in other areas (over committing?) Look at all areas to see where your anxiety comes from. Just like kids, don't do the fun stuff until your chores are done. I tell myself this over and over, most the time it works. The boys are definitely big enough to pitch in, make a chore list. Since you are feeling stressed out, it is probably best to put school on the back burner for a bit. You don't need anything else on your plate.

You do have the power over how things are at home, in attitude and cleanliness. Your hubby works hard and deserves to come home to a clean house and a happy wife. Let him know that you appreciate all he does for you and the kids and that you will do your best to keep your end of the bargain tell him some days it is hard to get everything done. Don't beat yourself up over it when it does happen. We're only human. When he starts getting on things again, just give him a gentle reminder. After a few times of hearing "Sorry the ceiling wasn't cleaned today but the boys and I were busy with....," followed by big old kiss and "So glad to have you home...," he'll get the picture. You get the idea. When you are stressed out about things, talk with him calmly and unaccusingly. One of my favorite sayings is "you can look at the dust, but please don't write in it."

As far as extra money, go to work while the boys are in school. That's what I do. Perhaps their school has some openings in the cafeteria or class aid. You'd be surprised at how many flexible jobs are out there. Some of that money could go toward a cleaning service too! Hope this helps. Your message inspired me to clean my bathrooms before responding to you...

I'm a stay at home mom 3 months out of the year, and that is enough for me to understand your frustration, and I put it on myself. I'm a teacher, so I stay home with my kids over the summer. We just moved, and my husband pretty much expected me to pack up our house, and unpack the new house, because I wasn't "working." but as you and I both know, dealing with 2 children and trying to take care of a house is an almost impossible task. The only thing you can do is try to make him understand that you can always clean the house later, but you can't get that time back that you missed with your kids.

And you do have a right to complain. Just because you aren't earning a paycheck doesn't mean you aren't doing more than your share. When you stay at home, you don't get to take a vacation, or a sick day. It sounds like you are under-appreciated, and maybe you need to stick up for yourself a little more.

If you are going to try and go back to school, you need to know that your husband and kids are going to support you and pick up the slack. Going back to school as an adult is entirely different than when you were a kid. Its very demanding and time consuming, because you have other priorities, and you have to make sure your school work comes in high on that list, otherwise you won't make it through.

Good Luck!

Show him this... and what you wrote. Sometimes writing it down can make a bigger impact on the other person. Show him the responses you got too.

NO, you are not the only one with these feelings. OFTEN, Stay At Home Moms feel this way, me included. YOU ARE HUMAN... and even if you do stay home with the children... you DO have the right to "complain" and assert your feelings... ESPECIALLY if you are not happy about this situation. Just because we stay home with the kids, does NOT mean we are the "maids" for everyone. We are not invisible... we are doing the most difficult job in the world... RAISING our children and maintaining a home, and Husband. ALSO, we do not have the luxury of a "paycheck" or "vacations" and we do not even have "weekends" off... we "WORK" 24/7, and don't have any side benefits or money of our own. THAT is a BIG "sacrifice" AND CONTRIBUTION to the family. With you being a SAHM... your husband should feel fortunate.

AND you are going back to school... this means your Hubby has to adjust to this... he will HAVE TO re-vamp his attitude and routines... and HELP in the house AND with the kids. You will then have MANY jobs-- ie: Wife, Mother, Student, and house maintenance, and family cook, transporter/car driver for your kids, Supervisor of your kids, and "Admin. Assistant" for all the paperwork your kids bring home from school AND helping them with homework too. AND many others. ..... NOW, what does your Husband do? What is HIS part going to be??? You REALLY need to talk to him about this.... so that the runnings of your family can be organized and FAIR, to everyone.

Your Husband REALLY needs to re-assess HIS "role" in all this... he will either be a "team player" for his family.. .or will continue to just "supervise" and not be a participant. So he will really need to do his "duty" and HELP his Wife. A Wife is precious... and a Man needs to take care of his wife too, and the children... and not just the "appearances" of the house and cars. A "man" is a Husband AND Dad. If he does not take care of his wife & only focuses on the "appearances" fo the house and getting a fancy car and decorating the house... then how shallow is that? This is NOT taking care of a family.. .it is just taking care of himself and neglecting the "big picture" of what his family and wife needs. For all you spend getting a nice fancy flashy car & home... that same amount could put you in debt... OR it could fund your children's college and retirement funds. And, given the economy nowadays and all the lay-offs going on... I would not be spending money on unnecessary things. Just my opinion.

I know what you mean... my Hubby is "neater" than me too... the "messy" house is irritating to him...but he has adjusted. We just have different levels of what we think is "neat." AND he also knows that we have kids... so it's hard keeping everything in it's place and neat and tidy all the time.

Help him to understand... a Wife needs help too... and a Hubby can clean the house too. A Wife is also a Mom... so that's a double whammy. It's BUSY for a Mom and a Wife... doing both "jobs" at the same time. Sometimes, he should give you a break... clean the house for you.... let you rest and have a relaxing day.

Sometimes, I just have weekends where I tell my Hubby "I'm not going to do any cleaning this weekend...I'm much to fatigued and need to rest. I need a weekend off too...like everybody else..." My Hubby understands this... and knows that if I don't rest, I"m just grumpy and not happy.

Being "perfectionist" in how the house "appears" is really a LOT of pressure for the other person.... tell your Hubby this. It really is a LOT of pressure for EVERYONE who is living with a perfectionist in the house (ie: your Hubby), and their "neat freak" habits really stress out everyone else. He needs to understand what it does to everyone else in the house. Maybe he needs to learn to ease up.... and get his priorities in shape. "Perfectionists" often don't realize what pressure and stress and "fear" they put onto everyone else.

Your "priorities" ie: saving for retirement & college, is VERY smart. THIS is important... you are a "family" with children... and THIS needs to be a team effort. THIS is more important than making a house and car and "appearances" all luxurious. Perhaps, together, go and see a financial consultant... to paint the big picture for both of you.... and plan ahead for what you "need", not what he/you "want"... in terms of what is important for the family's future and survival. You have young children, and this should be a first concern.

Well, at least he does not yell at you or the children... but he IS creating much stress. This is demoralizing. A "family" is not a military unit... and there are different "rules" involved... and different "values."

He also needs to realize... that keeping up "appearances" can cost a lot of money.... the "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality can really bust the family budget. AND... what about YOU? How about helping his Wife/Mother of his children... maybe you need a few more clothes, make up, ability to go to the salon, etc. THIS is important for a woman, for her sanity, for her well being, for her as a Wife... HE should be taking care of his wife too.... this is the "job" of a Husband and Dad.

Tell him this. His "Wife" is not a maid or on-call service... a "Wife" is a person, a KEY part of the family... and the mother of his children too. This is MUCH more to do, than just giving orders to clean the house. There is no room for a "platoon leader" mentality in a home. A family is a different entity.

Speak to him... help him to understand.. .tell him your are "drowning" in the pressure this puts on you... tell him ALL women and Mom's go through this... Moms/Wives are NOT "maids"... and you need to be treated with more respect.

**I'm adding this: Me & my friends' do this. We have a "Daddy-Do List." And it is a "list" of things that Daddy/Hubby has to do in the house... a list of chores so to speak. That way, the Man of the house, will KNOW what is expected that HE has to do too. EVERYONE in the house "should" be helping... as Hubby lives in the house too, right? My Hubby likes it in fact... then he doesn't forget what to do, and it "organizes" him too, and is a gentle reminder of HIS "role" in the house activities.

Sorry, for rambling.....

All the best,
Susan

Make up something important that you need to do one Saturday and leave him home all day in charge of the house and two kids. Then see what the place looks like after he's been home all day entertaining two boys and trying to keep everything picture-perfect at the same time... let him see how exhausting it is...

Also, you HAVE to make your case for the saving of college money and retirement. Thank goodness one of you is thinking of the future. People get so caught up in having bigger and better things these days. You are probably the perfect match for him because you balance out his perfectionism and superficiality. You can help him see the bigger picture, see beyond the here and now... With a lot of advice from these other mom's hopefully because I am not quite sure what to tell you about how to convince him! My point is, YOUR opinion matters too, you have a valid outlook on things, and don't be afraid to voice it with confidence to your husband.

I can sympathize with you. My husband is a Realtor and he sits open house in $10 million dollar waterfront houses all day and then comes home to our modest house and two little girls. His idea of a clean house is one with no toys or even comfortable furniture (he prefers to sit on the floor with a pillow to watch TV) and nothing on the countertops (not even a toaster or microwave!) Well, my only advice is to give your kids jobs which will make your life less crazy. I read an article about a woman who actually got rid of all of her dishes and bowls and got one flat bottomed bowl for each person on the family and that was their one and only food bowl - each person had to wash and maintain their bowl in order to eat out of it. A little extreme, but it could work.

And give your husband jobs, too. document these jobs on the refrigerator. My Kids have one job for each year - my six year old has six jobs, my 3 year old has 3. (examples of my kids jobs - 6 y.o. - set the table, wipe the table after meals, put away clean laundry..... 3 y.o. wipe bathroom floor and put away dirty clothes after bath, clear plates after dinner) At the beginning of the school year, we have a family meeting and set the jobs for the school year. We post them on the fridge so everyone can see. It is still up to you to enforce. I wish you luck and encourage communication with your family. Your kids are way old enough to contribute in a major way. (when I was 10 I was mowing the lawn...) It will be a transition to get them to do work, but so worth it!

Hi S.

It sounds to me like you have some guilt feelings about not contributing financially to the family. Was it a family decision for you to stay home? Was your husband supportive of the decision?
It also sounds like you and your husband have differences in some core issues. Can you talk about it and negotiate a compromise? Can you enlist your kids to help more with the housework so you have more time to play with them?
You may be able to gain some of your power back by having a part time job and some income. That way you could save some money for retirement and college and possibly pay someone every two weeks to clean the house for you. Then you would both have your way. There are lots of jobs you can do from home. I have one I can tell you about and I am sure lots of moms on this site have part time job opportunities that you can do from home.
I hope this helps. Email me back if you want to know more about a job opportunity that you can do from home.
J.

Hi S., Believe me you are not alone, and you are not in sane, I don't know any house wife/mother has not felt this way and one time or another, I know i have. In my house were flip flop from your's I'm the one that wants the house to be and stay clean. I don't need a picture perfect house ( I run a daycare ) but i do like things put away when dome with. Try and explaine to your husband that your daily exsistant can't be to keep the clean, it does not need to be a museum, it's a home where the family lives. loves and plays, it's not going to be picture perfect. It sounds to me that maybe your husband didn't grow up in the kind of home he would have liked to and is trying to have that now, I know that is my reason behind how I feel about my house. I don't feel you are complaing, you are venting and that is good, I think you need to sit down have a serrious talk with your husband, and let him know in a loveing respectful tone how you feel, and if you have tried that, try again, I have several talks with my husband over the 27 years that we have been married, and he has changed alot, he helps me with the house, he's not as tidy as I wish he was, but he has other grate qualities, he has Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesday off and on those days he cooks dinner, isn't hasn't always been like that, he had to grow and mature in those areas, and yours will too, any time you need to get things out do it here, then you can go talk to your husband calmly and lovingly, remember you can catch more bees with honey than with vinergar. I been married to my husband for 27 years, and I have been a mom or almost 25 years, so if you would like to talk furthur feel free to e-mail me, I don't know everything, but i have learned alot over the years and I know what worked with my home and family, my mariage is strong, my kids are grown, and I am a happy house wife, hasn't always been that way. ____@____.com J.

Dear S., I hear you. It is hard to be on what feels like the second level of importance. It's a balancing act of accerting yourself and being appreciative. For some, including women, if you don't have a job you don't deserve the same respect as those who do. When you include differences in levels of preference concerning cleanliness you get a double wammy. You will have to have (probably several)conversations with him concerning your realtionship. Start with telling him how greatful you feel about all he does for the family and for you by working. Leave it at that for a while and then start asking him how he feels about the two of you. The friendlier you are in these conversations the better. He will either tell you how unhappy the burden he's carring makes him, or he will come up with something he appreciates about you. From there you can eventually deal with the issue of house cleaning. He needs to know that this is just a preference on his part and it's making you very unhappy. I wish you the best.

You're the maid if he sits on his backside while watching you do all the housework. Unless you accept who he is then you are going to be frustrated and unhappy. This has nothing to do with the house actually it's you letting yourself get side tracked from going after your own goals and taking risks. No one can make you feel like a nobody.

If you want more money for retirement/savings earn it! Start a home based business. Network marketing a product that you are passionate about or will be of service to others. You can do what you love, work when you want to from your home office and make money doing it! (carve out a space at home, office space, that is yours and yours alone. If you want to let it get messy it's yours, do it!) Hire a housekeeper with 'your' money to take the pressure off. Your Marine husband understands goals and committment when he sees you pursuing yours he will support you. You need to sit down and decide what you want to do with your life not let the small stuff be an excuse for not growing as your own person. Be like a reed and bend with the wind but, grow in nourishing soil~get a marketable skill and market it!

You really need to be having this conversation with your husband. Together the two of you need to decide what he can help with. Believe me, I worked for many years before I too decided to stay home with my daughter, and I know that the harder job is that of the 24/7 parent...not the one who goes in to the office every day. No way is that harder, so there's no excuse at all for him to not help. And your sons are DEFINITELY old enough to be helping. The six year old can make his own bed, set and clear the table, help fold laundry. The older one can clean a bathroom, DO the laundry, etc. They both can help sort, fold, and put away laundry and also keep their own rooms clean. You get the idea. The secret to a happy mom is one who is not doing the "dirty work" 24/7. And in order for you to be the best mom (and yes, wife) possible and not get burned out, you owe it to yourself and your family to be happy...and your family needs to help you, but you have to assert yourself and be sure you are getting what you need.

You really need to open up to your husband and let him know how you are feeling. Chances are he will be surprised if you haven't had this conversation before -- men can be really dense. They don't take hints, and they rarely figure these things out on their own -- you need to practically hit them over the head sometimes to make them realize what's going on. I bet that a) he will be willing to cut you some slack and/or b) he will be willing to pitch in somewhat to help keep you sane as long as you spell everything out. HE'S the one who's so concerned about perfect neatness, so HE should contribute. It's that simple.

Good luck to you and I hope you can work this out.

Men are uncomfortable unless there's a measurable result. Housework is something he can see and measure. Parenting is not. What one parent is proud of, another finds unacceptable (or even criminal), so there's no way for him to measure parenting skills, or feel that a parenting task is completed. Since there's nothing he can actually see and touch, he's probably uncomfortable seeing parenting as "real" work or deciding if he's proud of the job you're doing. Even some women feel this way. If you ask my sister in law about her parenting or her mommy skills, the first thing she says is, "My house is clean!" That's how she feels about other parents, too. A clean house automatically means a good parent. My house is a mess, but I think I'm a good parent. :)

Tell your husband how you feel, but don't be hurt if he really can't understand. Learn to feel that what you do has value even when it seems that nobody else recognizes it, because being a mom is hard work, and doing a good job is a very valuable contribution to society!!!

Check out the website www.flylady.net. This help me get my house out of "chaos" by breaking household tasks down in an organized way. Good luck to you.

sounds like it wouldn't hurt to sit down with a counselor and talk this out. seems as if you will only end up resentful and miserable. you both need to agree on your priorities . whats more important a spiffy house or a little more relaxed lifestyle.? m