House Rules

When my oldest was about that age she often (C)complained, (O)ordered us around and (W)whined. I got so frustrated & ended up losing my temper. When I put those initals together it spells cow--I decided unstead of yelling or scolding, I would "moo." I explained to her if she got 3 "moos" in one day, she would have no TV for the remainder of the day. The first time I "moo"ed at her, it shocked her since that was not my typical response. As the day progressed, if she was on the verge of being rude, I would warn her "you have one 'moo' already." If TV time is not important to her, choose what it is that would get her attention if it was missing. It worked for me! Good luck.

I am going through the same thing. Let me know what you find out from others. Thanks. Sorry I could not be of help, but hopefully you know you are not alone! Thanks.

#1 - treat others as you would like to be treated, or using words when upset? #2 respect your parents...might take a little to teach what respect means...possibly by showing her what it would be like to talk back or disrespect her as an example.

Have you read any of the 1-2-3 Magic books by Thomas W. Phelan? It was in the teacher resource area at the school I taught at. I read it to help one of my student's parents at home with their daughter. It's good when used correctly, if followed too strictly it lacks communication that's important and needed in some circumstances.
The rules are a good idea. Make sure to include her in the decisions of making the rules that they also belong to her since she helped develop and chose them. You can have a brainstorm discussion and suade the type of rules you think are most important. I might also come up with some type of reward system. Make sure it's attainable for her & reward her with alone time with you, picking a fun activity to do, making popcicles, or a craft. Just some ideas.
Also I read Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children by Thomas Gordon. I'm not so sure how it would work with a younger child, but this seems more appropriate as they age. It was recommended to me by a family counselor.
Good luck!!!

Be consistent. If you think she is mouthy at 4 wait until she is 14! Give respect to get respect. Catching her being good is just as important. However when she begins to talk back, don't tolerate it. I used to say, If you are going to talk that way I'm not going to listen. Go to your room until you talk like a preschooler. If she hits, in frustration try to settle her down before it gets that far. She can't continue that behavior in preschool. Again keep up the good fight it will be worth in the end. You're raising her to be an adult, not a child!

It sounds like you've tried some good methods. Consistency is very important. Your younger one is watching and what happens now will influence her behavior. Be sure you're giving her special one-on-one time doing things she enjoys. Try to keep your anger from spoiling what good things you have together. Phrase things in as positive a way as possible. Help her put things into words. I had one who did this stuff and I'd say "use your words!" and "people are not for hitting!" and "gentle! gentle!" and "I can see you're angry but I will not allow you to hurt me. Tell me what you're upset about." When she feels out of control, she needs to trust you to be in control and to set limits but be able to trust you that you won't hurt her if she expresses herself. I love the tree idea! She sounds pretty angry so I'd focus on that some and help her talk about it. She needs to feel that she's being heard and she needs to know you won't allow her to hurt herself or others when she's upset. Just holding her may help, or isolating her for a few minutes till she settles down. Sorry - there's no magic formula. These kids are usually pretty smart. G.

The next time she acts up, say talks back, send her to her room, but instead of the time out route try this: when my daughter talks back or screams at me, I make it very clear (without yelling) to her that I am the Mom and she will talk to me with respect. Then I tell her that she must go to her room until she can decide to talk to me properly and until then I didn't want to hear another word from her mouth. I also tell her that when she is ready to speak to me properly, then she can come out of room but she must apologize to me. I do not set a time limit for being in there. She gets to decide how long she wants to stay in her - this makes her feel like she is in control. Children are always trying to excerise their independence and show how big they are getting. By allowing them to feel like they are independent and can make some decisions on their own, as long as they go along with your wishes such as being talked to with respect, then often times the bad behavior goes away. Good luck.

Hi Kelly,

I may not have too much help for you but I went through the same thing with my son and it is very trying. I was also tired of saying "no" all the time. We changed it by saying, "That's not the way our family acts, or treats our friens, or talks, etc..." Then we would correct him by telling him how he should say things. We also would try to talk to him and ask him what was wrong. Really try to get him to use his words and let him know that it is ok to be upset, but that we are unable to help him resolve the problem unless he tells us what it is. Most of the time it was more to get our attention, so we really try to praise him when he is not expecting it. We also tell him that it makes us very proud and happy when I hear him use his words. You can see his eyes light up when he hears that. Also I found that lots of hugs and high fives go along way.

I hope this helps. You will have to let me know how it goes. Good luck:)

E.

Hi Kelly,
Wow it sounds like you have your hands full. Perhaps your 3 year old is feeling a little jealous of the 15 mth old. She might think that acting out is the way to get more attention from you, even if it's negative. All the other suggestions that everone has offered on the rules and respect are very good. You could try making some special time each day when she has you just to herself... maybe when the youngest is napping. If she starts to act out you could say (Her name) How are you feeling right now? Does that makes you feel good or bad? Say you can choose to do what makes you feel good. What do you choose?
If that doesn't help you could try time outs. Sitting in a chair facing the wall for 15 min. I used a timer. I also found taking away a favorite toy for a while until she earned it back with good behavior pretty effective. Of course, I always reinforced and gave praise for good behavior.

I have 18mos - 3 and half years in my house. Our house rules are posted and I tried to list them as what I want them to do instead what I don't want them to do. Trying to set a positive tone to the household. We have 4 rules which seem to cover things that come up in our house. I wrote them on a piece of paper with a picture next to each one. I'm not an artist but they know what they mean and can read them to you (even the 2 year old)
1. Be a good listener (pic of an ear)
2. Talk nicely (pic of lips)
3. Have friendly hands (pic of a hand)
4. Clean Up (pic of an arrow pointing up)

I repeat and explain these rules daily as opportunities arise. I try to praise often using the words from our rules. ex. If I say Please go sit at the table for snack and she does right away I say with a smile and enthusiasm "You are being such a good listener today. You went right to the table and sat down the first time I asked you" Hoping to make her want that reaction again even when it's more difficult. Start with recognizing small things and sound a little corny at first but it starts to come out more natural the more you do it. If she did not come to the table I would calmly guide her or pick her up and take her to the table after I asked her twice. I would calmly but sternly say "I asked you nicely to come to the table. I expect you to be a good listener." I try to ignore as much negative stuff as possible. I firmly state my expectations and stick to them. No child in this house is getting their drink if they demand "I want juice! or Get me juice!" I tell them "please talk nicely if you want something." I give time outs if their behavior hurts or was intended to hurt someone or something. Even little hits are not tolerated. I sternly say "I expect you to have friendly hands. Now sit down by yourself for a little while"

A good listener covers a lot of things. We talk about the tone of voice, common courtesy like please, thank you, excuse me, and volume of voice, and look on your face when we discuss talking nicely. Sometimes I make a game of changing my voice, tone, volume while we are playing and ask if that was following the rules or not. They usually laugh when I do that and it helps them understand what I mean by it. I explain when we are all happy. It's hard for a child to not only listen but understand new terms when upset. Friendly hands is about not hitting and snatching, breaking things. We talk about respect and personal space. Friendly hands also help others. Clean up means when you are done with a toy put it away and to clear your own dishes from the table, wipe up your own spills, wash your hands.
I repeat the rules often. I tell them how following the rules makes us all feel happier. I might point out when they are talking mean in a concerned voice "you face looks all red and your muscles are tight - that doesn't feel very good for your body" take a deep breath and blow out, change your face and put your arms down." I calmly talk them down. I tell them if they asked nicely their body would feel better and they are more likely to get what they want and I help them come up with a way to say it nicely if they can't think of it.

Hi K.,

I used the Love and Logic route when I taught elementary school, as well. The kids and I always narrowed down our list to the same basic 3 "rules" every year:

1) Be safe.
2) Be respectful.
3) Do your best.

Those really do cover just about everything. The only obstacle I can predict that you may have is really getting her to understand what these mean- especially the word respectful, if it is not a term you actually say frequently (I am sure you demonstrate it and expect it :0)). Then, you can say, "Was that a safe/respectful behavior?" or "Do you think you could have done a better job?" instead of "no no no". Hopefully, she will understand over time (not too much time, I hope!). Best of luck to you! I empathize with having a 3 year old, too!

K.,
It starts at home. Don't leave it to the teachers to have to solve. Otherwise you're going to be one popular parent. And I don't mean that positively.

Set rules and stick by them. Watch Supernanny on ABC Wednesday nights! Especially that, because she is always dealing with discipline problems. If she's 4, then she gets 4 minutes in the naughty spot. If she gets up from there, you start over until she stays put for the alloted time for whichever offense. When time is up, you are to get an apology, a hug, and before those two tell her why she had to sit there.
Suggest that if she hits, she's not going to be able to go to school and have lots of friends because people don't like being hit and they won't want to be friends with her if she does.
Stick to your guns here. Consistency is essential. If you're afraid of setting standards with her at 4, you're in for more trouble later.

Hey K.

I understand the no, no, no issue. Putting my son into Begindergarten helped a lot. My husband is a teacher in the district too and they has this RTP policy in effect that really works. You ask the child questions instead of telling them "no" all the time. It gets them thinking about what they are actually doing and the consequences. I am not sure what district you are in but the web site for this policy is: www.responsiblethinking.com then click on "How the Respobsible Thinking process Works" and it lists the questions to ask and why. Even children as young as ours should be able to answer these very simple questions to get themselves thinking why what they were doing might be a bad idea.
Hope this helps. Thanks

The school I work for has 3 simple rules that any misbehavior falls into. Be Safe, Be Kind, Be Respectful. When I saw it a light bulb went off and my kids are 6 and 8. How simple! Obviously you have to explain what the words mean, and I love the idea of taking one to focus on each day at odd times, not just when misbehavior happens. I know my hardest part is staying consistent for longer than a few days, but I know it's what pays off in the end, in their feeling of security and results! Stick with it, you'll be amazed how much she's going to mature this year and you'll wonder what happened to the "proble-tunity" child!

We had a similar situation with our granddaughter. We used reversed physcology with her. When she would be terribly stubborn and want to bring toys to the sitters home, we would say you have 2 choices, you can either bring one or the other. Then, when we would get to the sitters and she wanted to bring the item in with her we would say, You can Either buckle the toy in the seat belt or we would...we want the toy to be safe you know. She would say that she wanted to buckle it in. Then off she would go into the sitters home. See, she lost things all the time and this would cause additional problems with her frustration so we had to do something. She is a very sharp little girl, and because she wanted to be in control, we needed to use this to our advantage to help her and us. Kids like this will do great things one day but they need to be guided the correct way. If not they will run the home which is disasterous for everyone.

You've had several responses so far and they include some really good ideas. I thought I would add what we did recently. We brainstormed as a family (my daughters are 5, 3, and 9 months - the 9 month old didn't say much ;) about what rules we wanted to have for our home. We ended up coming up with a list of "No" rules (such as no hitting, screaming, etc.) and a list of "Do" rules (such as show respect, help each other, etc.). I think this puts a positive spin on rules. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "no hitting, kicking, biting" they have to hear no sometimes, and think at this age you have to be pretty specific about what you expect from them. I still have to put a chart together with the rules, but I plan to make a "No" column with all of the things we don't want to do underneath and a "Do" column with the good things. I hope that helps you come up with some ideas...

1. Behave ourselves
2. Please and thank yous and nice language

Hi K.,

I just opened my home daycare and I made up three rules for the children to follow. They are
1. respect others
2. respect our things
3. always be safe
Then I looked up the word respect so I can teach the children what it means and give examples to help them understand. When I looked it up the definition the one I liked was, to show concern or consideration. If you are talking back, hitting and biting that is not showing respect and they are breaking a rule. If they are tipping back in their chair or climbing on furniture, that is not bieng safe and not respecting our things. I felt that these rules were worded positive and cover a broad range of different negative behaviors. They also focused more on what they should be doing instead of what they should not bo doing. I went through a similar situation with my two girls when they were younger. I just encourage you to keep it simple and be consistant. Give alot of positive reinforcement when they make good choices. I hope this helps.

hi there,

did you ever try spanking?

Great ideas!

1.Use nice hands 2.Use kind words

On the "nanny" shows they always do something to this effect with the house rules. You might want to see if they have a website or check out an episode for more ideas. I really think what you're doing is great though! Good Luck

Hang in there!
She needs to know that you mean business. No means nothing to her at this point. When she misbehaves, get down to her level, look her square in the eye and tell her what she did wrong, then send her to her room or time out and enforce that for 4 minutes. Stop whatever you are doing when she misbehaves to address the issue. The tree is a good idea, but if she can't read yet, it might not affect her. Try symbols if you want a visual reminder. I'm not so sure from your description that she needs a reminder of how to behave, more like a reminder (or a dose)of what will happen if she doesn't. You have control here, you will figure it out.

I'm going to take this in pieces. We had a problem daughter and found that the best action we could take was to send her to her room. She disliked being in there alone, unable to play, so it quickly got her attention. Not sure if you tried that or not, so thought I would offer it up.

Looking at your rules, I would break out rule one into three separate rules. Making it shorter may help her remember them more. I would also review one rule multiple times during the day (breakfast, lunch, dinner, bedtime, etc.) to try and get her to memorize & remember them. Enforce all of them during the day, but do the say & repeat method at odd times to get them to stick. This way she also understands the meaning behind the positive words.

Our church has very similar rules during children worship. They use phrases like "Use Nice Hands" (no hitting) "Gentle Words" (no talking back) "Quiet Feet" (no running), in your case you could use "Feet Are For Walking" (no kicking). I'm not sure how you would want to twist no biting into positive - "Teeth are for chewing" could be turned into "I am chewing". Maybe you could use "Gentle Mouth" as well.

Hope this helps!