Hi, Ladies! My Mom asked me a question, and I wasn't sure how to answer, so I thought I would get some opinions here. I have one child, my brother and his wife don't yet have any children, and my sister has a son from her first marriage, and she recently gave birth to a daughter. I will spare you most of the details, but the situation with her daughter's father has been messy. (My Mom has only met her future son-in-law once at the birth; she has never met his children. My sister and my nephew lived with me during most of her pregnancy, and there was little contact with the Father.) Well, my sister and her daughter's father decided last week that they are going to get married next week. He has three boys from his first marriage. My Mom and stepdad are both retired. They have a comfortable lifestyle but are on a fixed income. My Mom is unsure on how she should budget her holiday shopping. She has mostly finished shopping for the three grandchildren, but she wants to include the three newly related grandchildren. Her normal method is to stick to a set amount and spend it on each person; she has used the same amount every year. Now, though, she doesn't think she can afford to spend that on six grandchildren, but she doesn't want to effect the amount she spends. I told her it doesn't matter to us, because we really don't care, but she doesn't think it is fair. I don't want her to blow her own budget trying to do too much for everyone. She wants everyone to be happy and to feel like she was fair. (Please no posts on remembering the true meaning of Christmas, or not being selfish, etc. That is not the nature of this question, we don't go overboard with gifts and we are focused on what we believe the meaning of Christmas to be.) Please help provide some positive thoughts on how to help smooth this blending of families. Thank you in advance.
So most of the grandkids are already bought for? There is still quite a few months until Christmas, is it unlikely that she could budget one of the extra 3 in over the next few months? Buying one at a time until Christmas?
If I were the mom and dad, and brought 3 new kids into the family, and my parents were on a fixed income, I'd say to them "use the money for my gift to get something for the kids - that is your gift to me as well". That's just awesome. If they still have the receipts for the gifts for mom/dad, they could return them and use the money for the kids. Next year, they can break the total up between the parents and kids so that there's enough to go around and they don't feel cramped. Again, as a parent of the kiddos, I'd rather the grandparents spent the money on the kids than on me. Their love for the step kids is gift enough.
As a mom in a blended family, it means the world when the biological families treat the step-children the same that they do the biological children. Whether or not the kids will live with your sister and spend the holidays with your family this year will determine how "fair" things need to be during this unexpected first year. I think that if they live with their mother and will spend the holiday with that side of the family, your family can probably do smaller token gifts for the new members of the family. If they're not being opened while the biological children are opening their gifts, then there won't be big comparisons going on. And, hopefully those kids will already have grandparents and extended family on both their mother and father's side of the family who already do things. Maybe instead of presents, depending on how old the children are, your parents can give them an outing as a gift - taking them to the movies or somewhere else special. It might be nice for them to get a gift that isn't "stuff" and will give her a chance to get to know the new members of the family.
Your mom is very sweet to consider this. If at all possible, perhaps this is a conversation she should have with your sister and perhaps your sister will offer to forego adult gifts (if your family does that) or chip in a bit so that your parents don't blow their budget with this unexpected addition to the family.
Are they going to be opening these gifts at her house, or are you taking them to your house to open?
Growing up, we always went to grandparent's houses to open their gifts. I remember going to my step-grandparents on several occasions, when my step-siblings would be opening all these great and wonderful gifts... and my siblings and I would open a box with a pair of $5 pajamas. Or they would buy a board game for all 6 (my 4 sibs, and the 2 steps) of us to share, and the steps would get 5-6 gifts in addition while my siblings and I sat and watched. We were far from being greedy kids, but it honestly hurt to be slighted so badly by the people who were supposed to be our new family. The funny thing is that we didn't mind them GETTING the stuff, just that we had to watch them open it while we got next to nothing.
My actual grandma, on the other hand, would buy the same 'level' gifts for everyone to open together. (She had 23 grandchildren to shop for, so they were always very small gifts.) Then, if she had something special to buy for certain grandchildren (My siblings and I, along with one aunt's kids, were the only family that actually spent time with her... the rest were only seen on holidays, so she usually did something special for us.) she would either have us open it after the other kids left, or she would send it home with our parents for us to open at home... When the steps were in the picture, she would simply give us our gift in another room.
It's not so much about how much is spent, it's about the feeling of equality, and not being left out. I think the best thing to do would be for your mom to find a decent gift for the 3 new steps, and to pick one gift from what she already bought the blood. Then they can all open those together. The rest of the gifts can be opened when the step-kids go and celebrate with their other family. (I assume that the boys will be spending some time with their mom and her family...)
Ditto, your mother is wonderful. (You too.) Maybe the adults can do without,so the money can be spent on the kids?
My brother in law is living with a girl who has 3 children...messy story as well...We do not have a lot of money and the past few years we've started to shrink our budget at Christmas time, getting back to what it's all about and not going overboard.
Some of the things I've done for the 3 kids is get them a gift card for Itunes (they all have Ipods) to share, a gift card to the movies to share, and a video game to share (it was a dance game and they all take dance class). I spent no more than $30 each time and they were thankful.
We've never spent a lot on gifts and even less now, so there aren't any expectations from anyone. We only spend $50 on each of our own kids. These boys are new to the family, so they won't have expectations and they should be thankful for anything that your mother is able to get them.
Your mother should not feel the need to blow her budget this year, especially if she's already been making purchases and is almost finished. Next year, she can readjust her budgeting if she wants to, but this year I would just get them something to share altogether or something small for each individual.
I don't think the kids will know or care how much money was spent on them, just to be included in the gift exchange will be enough.
I always work with a general budget when it comes to gift buying, but you know, with different kids at different ages, it never really comes out even. For example, a new xbox game for a 13 year old boy costs $60, but I could put together a beautiful craft basket for a 6 year old girl for less than $30, and BOTH kids would be thrilled!
Your mom can decide how much she has to spend on the three new kids and work within that amount, rather then trying to be even and fair, she should focus on giving something meaningful. She still has LOTS of time so that shouldn't be a problem :)
Your mother is wonderful. I cant tell you how much it meant to me when I married and his family began treating my children the same as all the other children in the family! For children whose own father was iffy in his relationship with them it was important for them to feel loved by their new grandparents. I think you're right, she can spend a little less on each child so her budget doesn't break! Maybe you can help her this year by getting ideas for the boys within her budget.
She should try to get meaningful gifts for all 6 kids.
To me a grandkid is a grandkid, there is no mine and step. That's just me.
The new Son-in-law has obviously been around for about a year, did she not plan on getting his kids anything for Christmas? Now that they WILL be family she WILL get them something?
If she hadn't planned on getting anything, but now is, she should try to make the number of gifts the same. Ex. one grandkid shouldn't get 10 gifts while these 'new' kids only get one or two.
I think if the number is close, maybe at least 3 a piece ($40 - $60 retail total), and the gifts are meaningful that it will be fine.
If the kids are opening the gifts together it should be equal. Also if they are now part of the family it should be the same as of her kids J. had a new baby. everyone gets a little less so everyone gets treated the same.
I'm guessing the children (step children) have two sets of grandparents allready, so your mom would make for them a third set (and your bio dad makes also a 4th set). If they are not spending the holidays with your family then I think its more than acceptable to get token gifts from new step grandparents since they all ready have two sets of bio grandparents. But if they are spending the holidays with your mom with a big group gift opening then its going to have to be equal. What about the other grandparents? Are they involved or out of the picture? If they are out of the picture then if seems the right thing for your mom to step it up a notch. My parents buy things for their step granddaughters who are now teenagers, but spend more on the natural grandchildren who are all under the age of 5. But they (step grand daughters) already have two sets of involved bio grandparents, so there's no need for my parents to go overboard. So, depending on the particulars, I think its okay for your mom to spend less on step grandkids. After all, it could be viewed as unfair that one group of kids gets gifts from 3 or 4 sets of grandparents, and bio kids only have two sets of grandparents.
In my home, all are equal. No diffferentiation ( spelled wrong) between
biological and step. That does not exist here. She will have to do the best she can given her finances.
Just take the amount she would spend on 3 grandchildren and divide by six instead. Cuts the per person amount in half, but it's fair.
I have been having those same problems for the last few years because my grandchildren now number 9! I cannot spend what I used to spend on each when there was only 3 or 4. Oh well. That's just the way it is!
