Hitting Problems?

I teach pre-k - when they come to pre-k they will HAVE to not hit - or they could be told to hold them out until Kinder.

Some kids are just prone to physical things like that - but with every child, you have to be consistent, do what you say you are going to do everytime (consequences) and make them a consequence that is really going to get to them - like, not get to go outside with the other kids, not get to go to the movies, not get to have ice cream, not get to play with their favorite toy, watch their favorite show or whatever it is - they have to see consistently that you are in charge, that hitting is not appropriate and that the consequences are real - and you're not backing down. In time they should grow out of it. But I'm not kidding, you have to be 100% consistent - if they see you back down or give in ONE time, then they know that they have their foot in the door and can keep pushing the envelope. And it can all be done in love and in kindness . . . the consequence should be appropriate for the offense and it should be something that they do not want to happen.

The Book: Love and Logic Parenting for Early Childhood by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D. This book is awesome. Learning how to deal with frustration is part of life. Hitting is not ok. This very short and simple book is awesome. My husband uses the techniques in his high school classroom. It's a great system, with books for every age group.

I am the grandmother of a 3 yr old who lives with us (her mom is here also-now) and some of this is normal. My kids are adopted and stuff just comes with that. You know from your foster care training that these kids have been through SOMETHING! Even if you got her at a very young age-something happened to her. She needs your constant guidance and love. This does not mean spoiling but DO remember that even a time out is attention. She may be seeking your attention. Sounds like life is busy! Just make sure she gets your attention when she needs it. Not just for negative stuff. Then do the punishment that is needed and be VERY consistant. Her life is confusing to her (it is for a 3 yr old who is seeking to be in charge of her life anyway) she just can not yet figure out how to go about getting what she wants. Do think of speaking with her social worker for more insight into her past!

Hi A., i know this is late, but i was just reading the repes to your request, and all's i can do is just shake my head in disbelief in most of the responses. Who invented time out as discipline? for a child or anyone to change negeative behavior, the discipline has to make the person even child, think to themselves, man I'm not doing that again, I don't know of any child who would fear or be discouraged from repeating a negative behavior by going to time out, I have raised 3 kids, no time outs, and I have been doing daycare for 11 years now, and all's were allowed to use is time out, and they are in time for the same thing over and over again. I was not a real disciplinary with my kids, but their dad was, and he didn't use down out spanking, his discipline consisted of 2 swats on the butt, he talked to them afterwards, he huged them told them he loves them. and it was over, It was a rare thing if my hisband had to discipline one of our kids for the same thing more than once, cause he made it count the first time, well our kids are nopw 24, 21, and 19 and they have thanked their dad many times for his love and discipline, while they were growing up. See swating your kids does not make them feel bad about themselves, or feel un loved, for my kids it did just the opposite, he was a good disciplinary, for weddings, our kids were the only kids ever invited, people knew our kids would behave, in our circle of friends who all had kids, our kids were the once always welcomed, because they were raised to respect, and behave. When our first born was 3 a couple who were friends of my parents had a garden wedding in their back yard, all the invitations read no kids under 12, that was crossed out in our invitation, they had folding chairs on a patio and their were 2 baloons tied to each chair, the baloons were waving in the breeze, and our 3 year old sat there through the ceremony and did not touch the baloons once, nor did he talk, figget in his chair, this was a 3 year old, after the the ceremony was over, he still didn't touch the baloons, he was sure smiling at them, until someone untied one and gave it to him, I am not bragging or anything like that, but discilpine is part 0f love, and our kids knew they were loved, and they had the happiest childhoods that i have seen, call me old school, but, everything from babies/kids won't sleep, tatrums, won't use the potty, we honestly did not have any of those problems, and because of that we had less stressful times with our kids which meant more fun and togetherness, with our kids. A. just something to think about, I'm not sayingour way was/is the only right way, but the resuts speak for themselves. J.

A.,

My advice is simple, you are teaching the child to deal with her own behavior. Time out is really a way for her to calm down and take a minute to herself in order to deal with the situation better. Often our society teachs people to just smile, forget, and suppress what people say or do or any unwated feelings that are hurtful to us just pretending we're okay often to make other people happy.

It could just be a person, place, or thing that sets us off in the wrong direction and causes us to feel angry or sad. How people learn to cope or deal with their feelings makes all the difference between a healthy person and someone who takes their anger and frustration into other areas, such as, over-eating, drinking, drugs, hitting etc to cope. These are quick fixes that make a person feel better in the short run, but doesn't give them inner strength to grow and build their understanding of themselves and how they deal with others on their own.

My advice, because this is a child and she can't really talk to much about what is bothering her, is to try and notice the signs before they happen and see what triggers them. It may be the same set of circumstances each time. If you see what is making her upset you can help change the way she thinks about what is making her upset enough to hit. Don't try to avoid it because then she can't learn, but if you know she may hit be there to prevent the other child from being harmed and ready to help your child make good choices.

Putting her in time out alone does help her take a moment to relfect on the fact she crossed the line between good and bad behavior and is a must, but helping her discover her ability to overcome her frustrations will give her "self motivation" to want to better herself. This means she sees with your help how she can feel fine in circumstances that would always upset her before and now she doesn't get upset! That is huge and a great accomplishment and sign of relief on her part. Praise these moments with her.

Once she gets through this phase she will want to learn to feel better everytime; therefore it gives her the desire to try it differently and to make it better. You might not always be there and I'm not sure how the foster situation all works out, but if she can learn to help herself and have the motivation to overcome any unwanted circumstances, then I think she'll do just fine.

Take Care,
G.

Hi A.-
I just want to assure you first off that being 3 this is completely normal behaavior, It is not an acceptable behavior but still normal. Right now she is going through a power struggle for attention and reactions. When she hits or pushes she gets first gets what she wants, and second she gets a reaction from both the other child and yourself-any attention is better than none in a childs mind-even if its bad attention. Soething that has helped my preschool parents with this behavior is calmly(don't give her the drama reaction that she is expecting) get down to her eye level and explain in simple words(she is 3) that "hitting/pushing" is not nice behavior and that it makes "sister/brother/friend" feel sad (at this age she is not really sure about other peoples emotions and only understands her own-but it is important to tell her about the emotions)Ask her why did you "hit/push"? Were you angry? Were you jealous? Did you feel you could not wait for your turn? Explain that everyone has to take turns, because its the nice "sister/friend" thing to do.... Tell her that if she is going to "whatever the behavior" then she will have to go play by herself, and the next time she does the behavior, take 1 or 2 toys and seperate her from the other children- she just might need that alone time.
The other thing that helps my pre-K parents is for families where the older child is showing signs of hostility I recomend getting a sitter every now and then and taking the older child by herself to the park, or shopping (I try to steer them away from the movies as it does not give the interaction that other activities do)Give the older child some "parent, and Me" time- children, especially the oldest need this special time as once they only had one set of parents and now others are invading on their "people". Remember this may not work the first or second time but if you are constant it will work! I hope this helps with your little one! I am so happy that there are people like you that care enough to take in all these little guys and show them that there is a big world out there that cares! My best friend was a foster child all her life and said that if it wasn't for her foster mom being so caring and nurturing she probably would have ran away and given up hope! So thank you!
Good luck,
C.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber & Mazlish
I can't recommend this book enough!! They have another book entitled Siblings Without Rivalry. Even with my #2 being so young, both books have helped me respond better to my 4y old.
One of the things covered in the book is phrasing things positively. examples
instead of "Don't Run!", say "Walk Inside!"
instead of "No Hitting", say "Be Gentle!"
You can still allow yourself the full range of emotions in your tone of voice...A lot of times it seems that kids hear "...Run!" and "...Hitting!" without the negation before it :-)

I hope this helps and I hope that you read one or other of the books I mentioned. Amazon.com has them used for cheap, and your local library might have them.

K. H, mama to
Catherine, 4y
Samuel, 15m

Hello,

I used to teach K-1 and also spent time with my kids in co-op preschool. Do not allow your child to hit. Even if you think this is a phase.

I would gently take her (and I do mean gently) aside every time you see this behavior. Hold her until she is quiet and still. look her in the eye. Say children do not hit.

I would examine your TV watching. Is it full of violent cartoons? Is she spending time with kids who hit? Is she hitting because she is being provoked? (change her playmates)

Your schedule could be the key to this. Is she asking for attention? You probably can't give her more time, but can you vocalize that for her? Sometimes that helps.

But I would do everything you can to stop it now. It is much, much harder to stop later.

This may sound really simple, but "teach" her how to act in those situations. Often kids just emulate what they know...especially kids in the foster system who have often seen frustration and violence as the norm. Role play with her and teach her how to ask for the toy and wait for a postitive response before taking it. Show her how to Re-direct by taking her to another toy that isn't being played with. I taught early by using the words "take turns" "find another toy," and "share" and it got to the point that my kids would stop fighting when I would firmly say those "reminder" words. Good Luck and God Bless you for the love you are sharing with those children...they are lucky to have you!

A. ~
This may sound odd, but does your 3 year old watch cartoons?
If so, you may like to watch with her and you may be rather surprised to find out how violent some of them are.
Once you have established which ones are violent [quite a lot of them are!!] you can make choices for her as to watch she watches.
Alternately, she could be trying to get your attention. Maybe she needs more one-on-one playtime with you and is using even negative energy to get attention.
All the best!
Jewel

i know it has been awhile since you did this but there is another way to try to get her to stop hitting and the others
try to do a punishment table for everytime she does something good reward her and when she does somebad then show her what she needs to do as far getting good things and i hope this will help also show her what she can get when she is good

A., I have a daughter who is now almost 3 and she has shown that kind of behaviour, too. The only thing that eventually worked was to take the time to lovingly discipline her. Then to take the time to hold her and make sure she knows what she did wrong and to apoligize for it. She needs to take ownership of her behaviour and not make excuses like she is jut too tired, or just needs a nap or has been just emotional. Sometimes my daughter will revert back to that behaviour when I have been too busy to give her attention or just sometimes they feel insecure and so they need to test those boundaries in order to feel secure themselves. If there are no boundaries then a child will continue to push them until they are stopped. Insecurity can also come from not enough mommy time. Holding her in your lap and reading to her might be comforting. I know my daughter loves that. About the loving discipline, I have to use a small spatula and give her one or two swats on her bottom and that is usually what it takes. I hope this helps.

A., I personally know this is very difficult to go through. My little one went through this same phase for 6 months. It all began when 5 of the moms in our playgroup (we have 6 moms) had babies. He would hit the babies or throw times at them. This happened at playgroup and every event we would see them at. There were times when I'd get a babysitter for him so I could attend an event in peace and visit with my friends. I tried everything from time outs, constant discussions about how we want to behave, spankings, taking away privileges, etc. He saw the babies as interlopers in his world which had until then consisted of the same moms with the same kids from the time he was 4 months old until he was 2.5 yrs old. It finally stopped when he was a little over 3 yrs old. It took about 6 months. In the beginning, what became an incentive was a trip to the arts and crafts store so he could pick out one set of stickers if he was able to make it through playgroup while acting well towards everyone. Then, as time went on, that became less of an incentive and instead, the incentive became being able to spend an extra 30 minutes outside. And yes, he doesn't need an incentive anymore. In fact, I'm completely amused by the fact that at 3.5 yrs old, he's shocked that he use to even hit or throw things at the babies.

I was a foster mom for a short time and know how hard it can be. I do have 2 sons of my own, 11 and 13, so have had my share of sibling conflicts.

My experience says that the 3 year old needs more positive attention one-on-one. I know this is really hard with 2 little ones. Try to pick special times that you can be alone with the 3 yr old while the 2 yr old is doing something else. Cuddling and holding the 3 year old may also give her the reassurance that she needs.

Next, realize that she is doing these things to get attention from you. Whatever discipline you give her, make sure it DOES NOT increase the amount of attention (positive or negative) that you are giving her. Instead, when she does something in the right way (like asking for something rather than hitting to get it) THEN give her lots of praise and attention.

Lastly, if there is one area that you're most concerned about- like hitting the 2 year old - sit down with the 3 yr old (when everything is calm)and explain how said it is when someone hits someone else. You can even 'act it out' for her to see how 'ugly' hitting is (use a stuffed animal and pretend you are the 3 yr old). Tell her very softly and slowly that hitting is not something that goes on in your house/family. Explain to her why your family is not a place where anyone should get hit. Get her to agree that hitting is not a good way to express anger. Show her through acting that a better way to express anger is to use words. Depending on her background, she may have seen hitting as the only way to express anger.

My youngest son would have 'fits' regularly at age 3 and I would have to constantly remind him, use your words, use your words. . .tell Mama what you are angry about. You are about to have a fit, tell me what is wrong instead of having a fit.

I hope this helps some.

A. H

I have found that all of my kids (4) have gone through a hitting, scratching, biting stage around that age. Currently my own 2.5 year old scratches her siblings. It does pass ! Just be consistent in your punishment. DOes your discipline cause her to take note? I know it is hard, but sometimes you have to make them have a sad face or cry or realize that it is wrong because otherwise they think it is a game that you are playing with them...(as with my own daughter). Just some thoughts....this is such a difficult stage - they want to be independent but we have to be there to show them the rules of the game and that it isn't all about them ! Easier said than done.. blessings from another mom !

What a good person you are, caring for foster kids and you are finishing college at the same time-you have your hands full! I don't have personal experience with this phase yet as my DD is 21 mos but just wanted to suggest a book I recently read which might be helpful - Playful Parenting. The author (a play therapist) takes a different approach to discipline than many. So when you have some extra time for reading (yeah right) you may want to consider checking it out.

Please do not consider striking the child in any way, I see that a few people suggested it. I really cannot understand the logic behind using hitting as a punishment, especially for a child who hits. You are telling her not to hit and hitting her. How confusing must that be for a child.

I do think different approaches work with different kids (even within the same family) but especially where this child came out of a bad situation, a gentle technique would have to be more appropriate.

I agree that wording is important. I try not to say "no" but instead say "hands off" or "be gentle" or "we don't hit". I save no for the really dangerous stuff. I also agree that you need to be consistent. I feel that toddlers sometimes do behavior again and again to see if the reaction (or punishment) will be the same every time they do it.

I also talk to my 2 1/2 year old about the golden rule. "It hurts when you hit mommy. Can I hit you now? Why not. You're right, it hurts, so please don't hit mommy" I always seem to talk to my toddler with real grown-up logic and respect. I am not sure that's what makes the difference.

I also suggest showing what he can hit. He can hit pillows or whatever to get out all that toddler frustration. My guy was throwing things for a while. I actually got a mild black eye from something he threw at me. I cried and wouldn't let him apologize right away (somehow lack of attention worked better than any punishment I could've given him) After I was collected, I told him he hurt me and that we can only throw soft things. After hugs and "i still love you" we got a laundry basket and threw sock balls and such at each other and into the basket.

Good luck.

I have two 3-year olds, and one hits...the other does not. I have tried everything, and the only thing that is even beginning to work is that he goes to the "naughty spot"(idea taken from the TV show Nanny 911) every time he hits. I got a little rug and wrote "time out spot" on it, and he sits there when he hits or misbehaves in other ways. We take the little rug with us where we go if we will be there a while. You have to be super consistent, and it is exhausting. He does not like to sit there. It is mostly a habit, I believe, but it is the only way to stop it at my house. Hope it helps!

HiHitting will stop. It's a lot that 3 is a tough and almost impossible age. They know so much and are not able to ever show what they know. Choose your battles wisely. Of course hitting is unacceptable. When this occurs see how separatin them from every one goes. they usually hate being isolated. "When you are ready to be an enjoyable member/ play mate you may join us. Wah and every time you act offesively you will not be able to stay aroudn us".

Stay strong mom. Wow, a student and a foster mom. You are rpecious. I am about to be a surrogate for a ocuple that is unabel to carry their own babies. J.:)

One more suggestion. All the other ones are good, but it will work best to use them in the best sequence. First give lots of attention to the injured child while seeming to ignore your daughter. Then, without showing emotion, give her a time out, but only for two minutes for each year of her age. Putting a timer where she can see but not reach it can help. However, tell her the time won't begin until she is quiet and calmly restart it if she has a tantrum. After she has calmed down and finished the time out then discussing the incident, suggesting other possible ways to react, etc. will be more effective. You'll need to be consistent about all this as she'll probably test your reaction for a while.

I'm a former preschool teacher and former foster parent (my foster kids were older) and grandmother.

I would bring him home. I feel two different ways first I think its important to teach kids to follow through and be consistent. Its important to teach them the value of money.

BUT I think over night camps are a bad idea. My sister attended a overnight camp when we were kids. ( She is now thirty 36 and I am 40yrs.)Anyhow she attended the camp when she was about 11 yrs old. She told my parents that many of the kids were having sex and other activites you don't want your children involved in. My sister didnt do anything sexual but its very scary. Especially thinking your doing something wonderful for your child.
It was a theater type camp. Anyhow I think its better to keep the kids safe and not have them exposed to this stuff at such a young age.
Denise

Hi there,
I just found out the information you need. How serendipitous.
This issue is that children round your daughter's age is that they wrap so much of their energy around their toys that the toys literally become a part of them. Soooooooo...when a toy is taken, it feels to them that a part of them has been torn away and in fact on an energetic level it has.
As for the pushing in line and hitting and so on to get to you, I would imagine it is the same problem.
Ask the Universe to help her learn her lessons. Allow natural consequences to occur. Stand in your power and insist on your boundaries being respected also. This will help her develop her own in healthy ways too.

Believe me,this is a NORMAL phase and has nothing to do with how she will be as an older child.Just keep trying what you are doing and eventually she will outgrow this and the baby will be causing trouble!!!!!(LOL)

First, let me say that I think that you are awesome for being a foster parent. Not all women are called to motherhood, and some of us who are have to seek out others to mother because it's such a part of who we are. A few months after I met my husband, he remarked to me that I'm a mother just waiting to give birth. That made me proud for him to note that.

Anyway, I wonder how long you've had the three-year-old. It sounds like she's got some issues with securityand tendencies to respond aggressively rather than passively. I actually prefer aggressive because you can see immediately that there's a concern to be addressed. I've dealt with this, and what works for me is to focus on giving lots of attention and to actively emphasize sharing. What I mean by that is that I hug and kiss all over the one child and let that child see me hug and kiss all over the other children, as well. I spend time alone with each child (to reinforce his special place in my heart, even for just minutes at a time in a corner while the other children are doing somethng else) but then make sure to bring them all together and let each one see me giving attention to each other one. I point out that each one takes a turn, setting a timer if necessary. An example would be to let one sit on my lap while I read to all of them. Maybe after a certain number of pages or with a different book, I switch and have someone else sit with me. I talk it out each step of the way, telling them what I'm doing while always being firm and consistent.

I know that the same thing doesn't work for all children, but your story moved me, and I wanted to share with you. I hope that you find success with this one.

Talk to your doctor, be instant about seeing psychiatrist and then find one that will listen. She may being reacting to the truama of change with the first sibling and now a second and if she has anxiety it may cause her to react in the way she does. Make sure whom ever you see treats the problem and not the symptoms. The child maybe young but it is better to address it now than when it begins to effect the self-esteem(trust me I know).

Hey A.. At that age, they don't know anything about boundaries and they also don't know how to properly get what they want. Acts of agression in toddlers are usually simple frustration over not being able to communicate effectively to have their needs/desires met.

In her case, being a foster child, I'd have to wonder what kind of lifestyle background she has come out of. She may have had to fight her way through life up to this point NOT to be discarded. Don't know the situation, but have been involved in the lives of foster children for years.

Understanding that, my best advice would be to firmly address each instance of agression with her. Give her acceptable alternatives to get what she feels she needs to be content. Consistency is the key. She won't change overnight, but maybe showing her routinely that she is important and so are her feelings and desires, she will be able to abandon that desperate behavior.

Good luck and I commend you for the difference you are making in their little lives!

you are truely a role model. To give your heart to children that could not find one with their other family. You may try a love doll. My son had a problem with hitting and kicking other people. I got a baby doll and showed him how to hold and love on the baby. And if he treated it wrong I would take it away and show him again how to love on the baby. After a couple of weeks he didnt kick or hit people as much plus if he saw someone else hitting or kicking he would tell them thats not how you love someone. Your little girl may not understand the things that have changed depending on when she came to live with ya'll and that may be why she is doing those things to get your attention. Make sure you show her lots of love and let her see you show the other children as well. She will one day come around and see that your not going anywhere and you love her as much as you love her new siblings.

Try tickling her and giving her kisses and tell her you will love her if shes first, last, or in the middle. she will be special no matter where she is.Make sure when she doesnt try to be first or push or kick that you tickle and give kisses too. If she grabs a toy grab it away from her and act out a little tantrum yourself and she will laugh or cry. And then ask her if she wants to share. If she shares with you she will share with others.

I pour on the sympathy for the child that was hurt telling my child who hit that they need to ask if their okay and really pour on the drama of how hitting hurts them and we don't want to hurt our friends it makes them sad. I have my child say their sorry and give them a hug or rub it.
Mom of twins 3yrs

My kiddos who are 3 1/2 and 19 months do this alot, i think it is somewhat "normal" thing for them to go through, i would not advise you to let the 2 yr old hit back, i think that is how my son picked it up. Here is what i did, i bought them a punching bag, and told them if they feel mad enough to hit or kick or anything they needed to go to the punching bag and work it out on that, so far it has worked, they are still fighting, of course they are brothers i think there is no avoiding that, but it isnt as bad or as often, and they love to work stuff out on that bag, just put on the gloves and go at it, we also have painting time. My oldest son goes to play therapy, and these things are things she told us that we could do to work stuff out with him, also to spend time with just him/her, at least 15-20 mins. with just her, i do it when my youngest is taking a nap, that way i know we will have just our time. Well i hope this makes any sense and helps you any. Good Luck!!

Our daughter had hitting problems and we found Delta Family Counseling in Cape Coral with a specialist in child play therapy. It really helped.
A.

Hi A.,
I would like to tell you that is is a faze but you need to stop it for her. When she behaves in a way that you feel she should not you need to get down to her level and tell her hitting is wrong and because you did hit and you know that it is wrong, you will go in time out.
Put her in a time out where she can't see, hear, or even be near anyone with no TV or friends to view. This will be something you will need to do over and over for about 2 weeks but if you do it everytime she will get the point and if you don't do this everytime she will test you and keep it up.
I feel time out only works when they are out of view of the fun stuff.