Hitting - Middletown,CT

My kids were not allowed to hit - ever.
If you hit, you sit. It has to happen every single time.
You need to be absolutely consistent.

well, WHY is she hitting him? That will tell you which angle you need to take.

For example...

is she hitting him because he is wrecking her stuff? pulling on her clothes? Throwing cheerios at her? If so, then your angle is to teach your daughter a more effective way to resolve conflct, while ALSO restraining your son and teaching HIM how to treat his sister.

Is she hitting him because she is jealous? Are there things she "can't do" now that brother is older? Sometimes it's not about "not getting enough attention" but instead how to process the feellings of how your life has changed. So, you need to focus on teaching your daughter how to process these feelings in a constructive way.... without hitting.

Does she have activities and things to do? Boredom can drive even the best kids to misbehave. Make sure you are going places or doing things that are developmentally appropriate for BOTH kids. or watching a movie that BOTH kids find interesting.

As far as how to handle..... I think you have to do two things.... separate them, of course. But also teach your daughter what you WANT her to do... so instead of timeout to "think about what you've done" instead you say "we touch each other gently" or "when we want someone to move, we use our words". That is what discipline is all about. Punishment and discipline are two different things. You want to discipline her, which means to TEACH her what to do. Give her guidance on HOW to be a good sister and teach your son how to be a good brother.

Mama:

Why does she hit him? Is he taking something from her and you only see her half of the issue?

TALK WITH HER and ask her WHY she is hitting her brother.

You can take your son away from the situation as well - do not put her in time out - take your son and give him extra attention - do NOT say ANYTHING to her. DO NOT reprimand her - DO NOT TALK with her - ANYTHING...IGNORE her. TOTALLY and completely.

When she is ignored, she will want to join in. When she does - tell her that this is a NO HIT ZONE and she is not allowed because she hit. When she decides to use her words and not her hands, she can join.

Figure out the reason for the hitting, and then give her an alternative behavior/response that's acceptable. Tell her that "we don't hit in this house. Instead, we _____."

You also have to recognize at the same time that she may have a very valid reason for being upset. There's no valid reason to hit, but the feelings behind it are valid. That means that her brother very well may be antagonizing her in some way. Two year olds aren't blameless and require discipline as well.

That means that if you're going to put your daughter in time out for the hitting, you remind her of an appropriate action to take its place and make her follow through with it.... but ask her why she hit. Listen to her carefully. When she tells you that Little Brother hurt her first or threw a doll or did something else that upset her, you need to correct him too and put HIM in time out. Being hit doesn't mean he's innocent or free from requiring correction.

My oldest used to beat the tar out of the second. Don't blame him really, she used to push his buttons by stealing his toys, crushing his lego creations, pretty much everything she could. So I let him hit her and told her if you don't like the pain, stop teasing your brother. That pretty much was the end of it.

Punishing the older one exasaberates the problem, it gives the younger child a secondary reason to torment the older. Not only does it make them mad but they get punished for my bad behavior, woo hoo!

So look to what the two year old is doing because kids don't hit for no darn reason.

Time out every time you catch her. And talk to her - short sentences. She knows what she's doing is wrong, but tell her why. Ask "do you like to be hit? Why? Would you like it if someone hit you? Your brother doesn't like to be hit, it hurts" - empathy has to be encouraged.

Now also, watch what the 2 year old is doing before this happens. Your son may not be bothering her on purpose, BUT he could be legitimately bothering her. She's a kid so she doesn't have adult tools to deal with it. You need to be sure you're teaching your son to respect your daughter as well. THAT will also help her see that you are not just favoring the baby.

I agree with Jessica. Don't keep changing your styles of discipline - that's what confuses kids. But she's 4. She gets frustrated. She doesn't have the vocabulary, and her 2 year old brother doesn't understand why she's ticked off. The other thing you can do is call her attention to your style with the 2 year old - how you redirect him or intervene.

When my kids fight (not just hitting, but any kind of fight), they both go in time out in their rooms. I'm not usually there to see who started it and I don't want to get into the middle of the blame game, so the rule in our house is that if you can't find a way to play together nicely, you each go to your rooms.

Now that they know the rule (ages 7 and 3), as soon as I hear the warning signs (tone of voices increase, whining starts, etc), I give the warning - is everyone playing nicely? That often settles everyone right down before it gets to fighting.

Also, by 4 years old, time-outs were up to 10 minutes for serious infractions like hitting. And if time-out really doesn't work for your daughter, find what does work. Another punishment in our house is that favorite toys sometimes go to live on top of the refrigerator for a day when someone isn't behaving.

Tell him to hit her back. She will stop.