High Strung Toddler (And Mommy!)

There is a book, something to the effect of The Strong Willed Child (I can't remember the author) which was really helpful to us. I know it is really frustrating, so hopefully this book can offer some explanations and some solutions. I guess the other way to look at it (when you are feeling patient) is that she is good at getting her needs met. Best of luck.

hi there, hang in there!!! you are doing a great job, it is not you or your lack of some parenting skill!! i have been there and am still there. i have a four year old son now and he's still like that at times. i practiced attachment parenting (co-sleeping in a family bed, nursing until 25 months old, carrying him in a sling ,backpack,my arms at all times, etc...) your daughter just feels comfprtable and secure around you - also very possessive. try to be thankful for it, replace the resentment you may feel toward the constant needyness with gratefulness. wrap your arms around her, carry her help her, tell her you love her deeply, but then say firmly "mommy needs some time alone now". arrange for playtimes, maybe a once or twice weekly daycare option to give yourself some much needed breaks from the 24/7 demands of being mommy. you need to set some boundaries, but also recognize that where you daughter is right now is very natural. she's testing to see if you'll still be there for her. reassure her, but then let her know that you need your own mommy time. i do daycare 2/week, started working out of the home, and i go to yoga weekly and a meeting. these times help me gain much needed separation and sanity, while also allowing my partner to bond more deeply with our son, and it also reassures him, that yes, i am coming home.
hope this helps.

Do you know anyone with a slightly older kid that could just come hang out and play? thats what i do and it seems to help alot.

Hi Tamara,

My daughter is two and I am a stay at home mom who also works part time. She is very used to getting my attention. I can say that when my husband works from home, we have similar issues sometimes with her like the ones you mentioned. She tends to act out a bit when she is not getting her needs met. For her that is if she is hungry, thirsty or wants my attention.

I am not sure if this is what is going on with your child, but you could try scheduling time and attention for her. You may already do this, but if not then it would be very beneficial for you and your daughter. The way that I stop the struggle is by including her in whatever I am attempting to do. An example is, today I cleaned the closet, and she handed me hangers. Sometimes when I do dishes, she can put in cups and spoons, and plastic items. It makes her happy because she is included and me happy because she is learning how to do these tasks.

Another thing you could consider is her diet. Is she eating good nutritional foods? I had to adjust hers a bit recently and she is much happier most days. She would have sugar and act the way you described. We now limit her sugar intake a lot. You can always get her food allergy tested if you like? We have been planning to do that, but have not gotten aroun d to it.

Oh, and with Potty Training there is a great DVD called Potty Power I reccommend. My daughter loves it! She asks for it by name! It is very creative because it has a real toilet and discusses all the steps to pottying. There is also a site called pottytrainer.com which was helpful. It has a book you can purchase online to assist with how to do potty time.

With our daughter we involve her not only in playdates with other kids, but her own activities as well. She does swimming, music, and gymboree class. The last class is on Saturdays and can involve dad. Some times I use it as a break for my "me" time. We are also considering toddler Karate in the future. It can be done when you work from home, but is more challenging. My daufghter is very active and independent because we began this routine very early on. :)

One final thought is her teeth. Is she getting her 2 year molars? Teething can cause all kinds of crankiness. Best advice, breathe and consider what you say and how you are going to say it before you do. I have had moments where I just take some time when the crankiness hits so I do not get frustrated. When I get frustrated she gets frustrated too. If I stay happy and upbeat my daughters temperment is that way as well. It sounds like you are doing your best to stay patient and find solutions to the issue. That means you are a devoted and loving mom and she is blessed to have you. :)

Blessings,

Katherine

As a professional nanny, I see this all the time....esp. with two year olds. They're nothing short of delightful all day long and then when mom walks in, they melt down. You're not alone. It's one of the blessings of motherhood. I commend you for spending so much time with your daughter. At the same time, it sounds like a little time apart might be a good thing. I believe it's a really good thing for two year olds to start to have a little play time with other kids their own age, in a setting other than home. And I think it would do wonders for helping you feel sane. When my daughter was that age, she went to a small daycare one day a week (Thurs.) and every Friday I felt recharged and ready to be a great mom. Something to think about. Good luck!

well, I learned that if you do one thing and keep that thing one for a week. Then find one other thing to do for the next week. And so on. Then she will not know that you are working with her. I have three girls and my last one knows this because she see me doing it to her sisters. Now, If I can get this to work for the youngest. I will be so happy. Just work with one thing at a time for a whole week. And adding new things each week. bb

My two year old sounds quite the same! We are expecting another little girl in about four weeks, and everyone has told me that might be the best thing for a "high-needs" child to determine what's important to her and what doesnt' have to be such a big deal, since she will have to share me with her sibling, which will in the end teach her about life in general, not everyone will always be there to answer to her every whim and need. So don't rule out another kid if you want one! Feel free to check back with me for updates. Lucky for you though yours isn't as needy with other caregivers, mine is!

I think it's totally normal for a child to act out the most with mom. It just proves that you are the primary caregiver and she feels safest with you (that whole unconditional love thing). I think everyone has said this but make sure you have dedicated time with her throughout the day so she knows it's her time and other times you are working--not both at the same time if you can swing it. Working from home with a toddler is challenging! I can hardly answer the phone. Good luck!

Just an idea. Do you have a daily routine with your daughter? Because you are with her most of the time and you're working from home maybe the day just goes by and you do things whenever it's convenient. Kids thrive best on a routine on which they can count. Meals at a certain time. A time designated for play with Mom. A definite nap time. A ritual when doing the same thing everyday. For example taking a lovey to bed with her. Everyone sits at table when food is served. Watching a movie while Mom works. Sitting on Mom's lap to read a book just before naptime or bed time. That sort of thing. I've found that difficult to maintain but I've also found that life is calmer with the routines.

Perhaps grandma and dad don't have similar difficulties because they are with her for a shorter period of time. Perhaps the time is thought of as special by her causing her to behave better. And possibly they are more certain in how they treat her giving her definite boundaries to keep.

One of the best ways to deal with high strung children is to refocus their energy into something productive, I recommend for this age TOT YOGA: Yoga for you and your Toddler - it is an amazing product and the only one for kids this age - bonus, you will be energized and your toddler will be tired, imagine that - they nap and it has a bonus section for you to enjoy alone - relaxing rejuvenating strengthening and stretching routine for every level of yoga expertise. 20 minuts for you to exercise and another 1-2 hours of nap time for you to get some work done in a positive mood! its is a win-win www.totyoga.com

first of all.. just because this child is high strung is not a guarantee that another will be the same....

can you afford to hire a babysitter to come spend some time with her so you can have a little space? Even if it is a neighborhood 6th grade girl that could come over for an hour or so after school.. and play with her for just a bit to give her some distraction and you some space.

Girls that age (11/12 ish) usually LOVE little kids and would probably love it. It would give the girl some experience to get some other paid jobs as well... have her watch her at home for a week or more.. then try leaving the house to run some errands a few times and see how she does. You might even find that this works so well you and your husband can go out on a date sometime!

My son is the same with me. Are you by any chance under a lot of stress? K.

Be consistent. Set focused time apart with her, no phone calls, no emails, no work or business, just sit down or play with her. Make sure you sit down and eat meals together. She probably will eat more and cherish the moment that you share with her. Getting dressed can be a struggle, but it doesn't have to be. Have to clothes at her level, and try having her pick out some outfits. And work towards her being more independent of you. She could try putting on her pants, let her know what the front and back is. And if she gets it wrong you can show her what the front is and the back, or leave it, she will be pleased she put her own pants on. Continue with her development and try different articles of clothing for her to do "all by herself." Encourage and exhort her efforts whether or not they are successful. Don't let her give up, she if she want's mommy's help. Help her build her confidence and know that mommy really loves her. There is a lot of advice for potty training, but you know your daughter best. Keep encouraging her. Go with her, when she is done consider some kind of positive reinforcement. Don't give it every time, otherwise she will expect to receive something. Sometimes just a hug or a kiss. Some kind of treat, honey? Whatever you think is appropriate. Try cutting down tv time, and have more focused time together. She appreciates your attention. She will become more independent with you. Also reinforce her that acting out is not acceptable or appropriate. Give consequences and take disciplinary actions when necessary. This age is crucial for all their future developments. Take this job seriously, and build her up. Love her. And she will begin to respect and act differently towards you. Always let her know that she is loved, even when she receives punishment, you love her. That is why you are punishing her, to correct her and teach her to do good and how to be good.

My advice is turn off the TV! Children under 2 should not watch the TV, anyway, as it is not great for their development, as evidenced by many recent studies. Also, have you considered her diet and sleeping habits? How much time does she spend outside in nature? How much time does she spend getting her pent up energy out? I take my son, who is almost two, to a gymnastics class once a week. He gets to run around and expends a bunch of energy in a short amount of time and then crashes out for a long nap. Play dates with other kids are good, too . . . getting to interact with other humans besides mama. A tip for you, that another experienced mom shared with me, when you are at your wits end, pull on your earlobes - will get you to refocus for a moment (on something other than your daughter driving you nuts) and opens your heart so you can respond with love and compassion. Works for me! Good luck!

Oh yeah - I can relate! My daughter is nearly 3 years old and I have had alot of the same challenges with her. Although it's common for children to act out most with the parent the spend the most time with, that's no comfort when dealing with tantrums all day long. I have found a few things to be helpful. First, we have a nanny so that I can get a break some days and really focus on work (I also work from home) Second, I have started using more behavioral approaches - basically giving consequences for her behavior. Today she threw something at me in the car and I took away her privledge to play in the car when we got home which is something she loves to do. Third, there are two books I have found helpful (among many but these two are the best) Raising Your Spirited Child and Parenting with Love and Logic. You can find used copies of both on Amazon. I have also found it essential to take breaks even if it means walking out of the room briefly while I compose myself. It is very hard work though no matter how you deal with it!

I got one of those too! It seems to get better when she has friends to play with, but other than that I'll take any responses to your question too. So basically we try to get together with friends as often as possible. My daughter is very curious and it seems to be worst when she's bored and under challenged, but that doesn't help me getting the laundry done :-(

It is very frustration to me when everything is a struggle but she's the perfect little angle when it's not just us, so obviously everyone seems to think I'm exaggerating on what we go through on a daily basis. Recently she has started to show her colors to other than me so that helps.

We're in Spokane, WA and with winter and low temperatures here I'm not looking forward to being stuck inside with a bored child for the coming few months :-(

Fellow mom of high strung toddler.

Totally normal. My soon to be 2yr old (Jan.) is the exact same way. My kids go to work with me and my husband picks them up in the afternoon and I get home around 5pm. He's always saying "wow, they sure fall apart when mommy gets home" On occassion the kids spend a afternoon with grandmas and they're just angels. I think it is kinda like mommy is a safety net. I also find I'm the one who says the most no's. At grandmas it's pretty much what ever they want they get (within reason) and the same with daddy.

E.