High School Shooting- How to Help Friend of Daughter Who Doesn't Want to Go Back

How awful for everyone.

I don't think kids can deal with this on their own. I really wish the father hadn't said "suck it up and go back" - that's just ridiculous and a total dismissal of the trauma. I think the parents have to be parents - and either put her in the trauma counselors supplied to the school or get her independent counseling. Acting like this will go away if she just homeschools is naive on the child's part, and while I understand the mother wanting to give her time, staying home doesn't solve anything if there's no serious therapy attached to it. It's not just about getting good grades in math or English - it's about being whole again.

You need to reach out to the school ASAP and find out what counseling serves they are providing.

Neither you, your husband or your daughter are equipped to handle this type of situation.

Please reach out to those that are trained to do so and make your decision regarding school after you have all received help.

If she does not regain a sense of security in her environment, her academics will suffer no matter what learning environment she is in.

That's truly awful and I can't imagine what they are all going through.

Understandable how she doesn't want to go back - I doubt I would either.

I think counseling for the parents - to help parent the daughter in this case - is in order. Each child is different in how they are affected. I know I'd need counseling.

My good friend's daughter lost 3 friends in an accident around that age. Her daughter retreated from her life for about a year. She just stopped living. Looking back, my friend says she wished she'd known what to do and say. That's why I think it's important your friend gets the help she needs to best parent. No one is prepared for this kind of thing.

I think your friend might try talking to a counselor, herself. This is something the vast majority of us have never faced (and, dear God, hope to never face!). She needs to talk to someone to help her consider carefully how to respond and how to best help her daughter.

Her daughter would probably benefit from counseling, but she might need some guidance getting there. If she's refusing right now, her mother talking to a counselor about how best to talk to her might be the best thing to do.

The dad means well, but telling her to go to "counseling or suck it up and go back to school" shows a sever lack of sensitivity. That approach isn't going to help her.

Really, right now I think the best thing to do is for Mom and Dad to go to counseling together and try to get some guidance on the situation. They might find they only need to talk to a counselor a few times, but they really need to talk to someone who can guide them.

"She is friendly and actively a straight A student." I'm sure you meant well when you said this, but what does that have to do with anything? It kind of implies that someone who isn't a straight A student is somehow less??? What do grades have to do with trauma? I wasn't a straight A student, but I'd like to think I would be just as deserving of help and understanding.

She really needs to be in counseling.
I don't see this as a good reason to start home schooling for whats left of her senior year - she's got about 6 months left.
If she's retreating/hiding - what's she going to do for college?
Tough as it is - she needs to get back in the saddle and go back to school.
She'll have the support of her friends, teachers and counselors - and her friends need her for emotional support too.
Believe me - everyone is shocked and hurting.
There will be crying in the halls - it's pretty much guaranteed.
It's better she face this with everyone rather than holing up and going it alone.

My first year in working in the high school cafeteria (I started mid year) one of the students - a senior - skipped out of school after lunch, went home and committed suicide.
No one knew he was depressed or having any issues at all.
Not the same - I know - but everyone was shocked.
When you are hurting as a group - it's better to mourn as a group.
You pull each other through it.

Counseling is clearly a must for her regardless of if the girl returns to the school or completes the year via home school. The counseling has to be the not-optional part in this scenario. Your friend will need to learn some skills as well, for how to handle things in the way her child needs.

I think the dad is just saying you aren't going to sit around and do nothing at all. According to you, he states she "needs to be in counseling or suck it up." If the daughter is refusing counseling, then I guess I might be inclined to start throwing down some hard and fast rules about just lingering about doing nothing.

I get that this is a terrible, traumatic event - a co-worker of mine worked at a bank and was held up at gun point about 8 years ago. She hasn't walked into a bank since. However, she did go to counseling, get a job not at a bank, does online banking instead of in person . . . she didn't just sit home and do nothing.

There isn't anything wrong with homeschooling, but in this case, it could make things worse. Her refusal to rejoin the world could create more issues than it solves and I think should only be done at the suggestion of a counselor with a "re-entry" to school plan worked out in advance of starting homeschooling.

Good luck!

That is terrible. :( She needs therapy and honestly, I would look into online homeschool. I know a couple high school kids here who do it and love it. Then over the next year or so hopefully the therapy will help in time for college. i honestly do not fault her for feeling that way.

They need to get her into counseling. There is no getting around that. But I wouldn't want to go back to school after that either. I would strongly urge them to homeschool her. Like others have said there are online homeschools. If she's a straight A student she would probably have no problems with that at all. It could be more traumatizing to her to make her go back.

We had an incident where a student who had been expelled and kicked out of school went after another student who had already graduated and knifed her to death (this wasn't on campus, but it was a big deal at the school). They beefed up security after the incident.
One thing I kept telling my dd was that her school was probably the safest school in the state because of all the extra security. The best thing is to go back. When she sees all of the extra precautions it might make her feel better (I'm sure the school is adding police oversight). Sometimes avoiding the situation makes it worse.

there are no easy answers to this. we've created a country where our schools are either unsafe or resemble prisons. i don't blame this girl for not wanting to go back one bit.

her father sounds pretty unsympathetic. i'm with your friend- it's less important that the teenager 'suck it up' and adhere an arbitrary school schedule than it is for her to get help.

but she does need counseling. if she doesn't want the school's outreach, she needs to cooperate with seeing a counselor that her family helps her find.

while my obvious answer would be to homeschool, it's not appropriate for everyone. her parents might not be in a position to homeschool her. online 'homeschool' is an option very popular nowadays and might work for her if she's disciplined and self-motivated. it's also possible that after some time to regroup and heal she could just go to community college and work on her GED on the side.

it's hard to suggest what HER parents should do, as their situation is pretty unique. but i'm with you and her mother that just expecting her to tough it out is a bit much.
khairete
su

The most important thing is that she receives help to deal emotionally with this trauma, and secondly, that she continue her education. If she is refusing support right now, I may take the approach with her that I be open to enrolling her in an on-line school IF she agrees to see a grief/trauma therapist, as well as to commit to some activities that get her out of the house and keep her connected with people so she isn't just isolating at home