Here Comes the Bus

I would be more proactive. I'd have said, NO! we're going home and got in the car both with the lunch and at the house. No discussion. When we try to convince the other person, who is dense, we lose. Be firm and take action.

At the house, you could've gathered everything up and said, I'll wait for you in the car. We leave in 15 minutes and then if he doesn't show up, leave.

I suggest that because you ultimately go along with what he wants he's not feeling any reason to change his ways. You're throwing him under the bus because you're feeling powerless and angry. Change the dynamics by being assertive and insisting that he take notice.

Talk with him now, when everyone is calm. Tell him how you feel, using I statements, and how you're going to handle such situations from now on. Ask for his help in making this transition.

Later: It will help if you can stop labeling his behavior as selfish. Negative terms and way of thinking makes doing something positive more difficult. I suggest that he's not selfish. He has a different way of looking at things than you do. He's OK. You're OK. You're just different.

I don't know. I think relationships require some give and take, and I think we all vent about our spouses from time to time.
Honestly, in the examples you gave above, you sound a little rigid. Maybe I'm just a more flexible, go with the flow type person, but I don't see being ten minutes late to a kids party as that big of a deal (and yes, I am almost always on time) and I would much rather have my kid out hiking in the fresh air for an hour than sitting in a stuffy house, ESPECIALLY with a cold. A fever, no, but a cold, yes. And you know that wetness causing sickness is an old wive's tale, right?
I don't see how having a different attitude and outlook makes your husband "selfish" I think he's just got a more relaxed style than you do.

i don't see this as throwing him under the bus. I see it more as you are a over-sharer. Most people would just say sorry we're late and leave it that, for whatever reason you feel the need to explain things. I would just say try to keep more to yourself, and know that unless it was a major event etc most people don't care and an explanation isn't needed.

Yes, you are wrong for speaking negatively about your husband to others. You would not like it if he did it to you. How would you feel if he told someone that the reason you couldn't do something is because you over plan the weekends leaving little or no time for his plans. Pretty crappy response when he could just as easily have said "We're booked this weekend. Sorry."

What can you say to make him more aware of others? Not sure. I sounds like it's not an issue of him being more aware of others so much as him not paying attention to you. I would let him know that it puts you in a bad spot to have to cover a situation all the time when he makes a choice without running it by you.

You may also want to try reminding him BEFORE you go somewhere if there are "different" rules for the day. Before you went to do something with your friends, I would have reminded my husband that our child had plans right after and we really can't do lunch "like always". A little reminder would go a long way.

Did you really decline a playdate and blame it on your husband? Wow. She had a cold before the hike. A simple "Kim has a bad cold today so we really can't, but thanks" is the real truth. Anything beyond that is just being whiny about your husband. I'm sure your friend's spouse does thoughtless things all of the time (we all do), but she has the grace and maturity to keep it between the two of them.

Ditto to Mamazita on this one. The "under the bus" thing doesn't sound like the real issue to me. It sounds like you're insistent on a certain set of priorities. Your DH sounds like he has a different set of priorities, but because you aren't willing to negotiate, he's going around your back and sabotaging you in minor ways. Then, you're mad about these acts of sabotage, but you respond with social sabotage rather than sitting down and talking it out.

So, back up. Sit down together, have a conversation of equals, and divide things into areas where you're willing to be flexible and areas where you aren't. It's not fair for you to expect to "win" in every area, but you shouldn't have to give up all your priorities either.

I personally would've found some way around the party/lunch thing. Let him do lunch with his friends while you drop your daughter off at the party. And I honestly would've been all for a brisk walk in the woods. It's incredibly healthy for kids -- it will NOT cause or exacerbate a cold.

I don't want to jump in and attack you. I see a lot of your husbands qualities in my husband. I used to get upset about those things but now, it really doesn't bother me. If we are 10 min late, not a huge deal. The party wasn't in honor of your daughter so I don't think it was really rude to show up late. It wouldn't have bothered me if a guest was late. You got to have lunch with some friends and your daughter still got to have fun. As far as your daughter being sick. I am guessing she wasn't ill enough to stay at home and what fun memories she made with her cousins! I sorta disagree with some of the others who said you need to treat him like you would a child. Your husband is an adult. Maybe he wanted to put his foot down too but didn't. Again, not trying to attach you but in the grand scheme of things, if he's a good guy, I'd let it roll

Yes, you're wrong. This is private stuff. All you need to say is "sorry we were late" (10 minutes for a party is not a big deal, unless you are hosting it). Or "DD is tired, she's not quite better yet". You're trash talking him. You need to talk to him about these things, not other people. Or you need to relax your expectations. Either way, don't bring your issues into other people's stuff.

I think you might be trying to put a "perfect" front out there for others, so maybe look at THAT need. Hubby is by no means perfect and he's screwing up, but you are trying to put a perfect front up, it seems. Try to figure out why, if this is in fact an issue. Good luck!

Why don't you start going places in separate vehicles, that way of one of you wants to stay longer/leave early, there is no reason you need to stay. You could say to your husband and your friends "I have someplace else I need to be, but you guys enjoy lunch. Maybe next time." As for telling people your husband is at fault for this or that, well, I don't think it is necessary. "We got held up at another event" or "DD had a busy day and is too tired to play" would have been sufficient. As for your daughter going for a walk with cousins, I am assuming she wanted to go and she wasn't forced to do it. I also assume she kept up if she made it back. Either she had a good time and felt like she accomplished something, or she didn't and she won't want to go next time. Your husband is not stupid for letting a child try things. It is OK to vent about your husband to a friend, or here on MMP, but you shouldn't use him as an excuse.

It's like taking kids into Walmart. You have to stop in the car and review the rules.....or in this case, what the plans are.

"Honey, I have already told the Jones' we aren't going to be able to go do anything afterwards because we have other plans. So if they ask you have to remind them we already have other plans". "But sweetie, I like the Jones' and if they ask can't we go, we have an extra half hour"? "No, she needs a few minutes between the events to take a breath and I want to get there a few minutes early, I've already told them we cannot go to lunch this time, we can next time but just not today. OKAY? If they ask you have to say no, we have other plans today".

Just like with a kid. Do this each and every time where there might be confusion. OR better yet visit with him when the invitation comes in and make the schedule for the day with him. Then it's not just you saying no to his joy, it's both of you making a schedule. Then you're just reminding him to stick to it when you go over the plan in the car before you get out.

sounds like you regret it, so try to make an effort not to do it.

i catch myself saying it. i need to be careful not to complain in front of the kids

Think you need to learn how to roll with the punches. You got to have lunch out with friends. To me that is a good thing. So you daughter was a few minutes late. I am sure she did not miss much. A hike in the woods. What fun for your daughter. It was only 20 minutes. Stop and think before you put your husband down. Sounds like he has priorities straight. Family, friends and fun, yes even in the rain. He enjoys life. M

Your question is: "So am I wrong for telling others the real reason for why we are late or DD can't play?" Well, perhaps if you told them the whole reason, it would be more fair. :) He insisted, you gave in.

It is not your husband's fault. He has his style. You have yours. He presses. You give in. You are both adults and both responsible. If it sounds like I've been there, I have. All the suggestions you have received may help. You could: talk to him, relax your own style, and/or drive two cars. What is not helping, it disrespecting your marriage by throwing him under the bus. All my best.

1. You need to talk to your husband. About his lack of respect for what you ask. You said no and he argued with you in front of everyone. Not cool.

2. You shouldn't ever say nasty things about your husband in front of/to others. How would you feel if, every time you screwed up, your husband mentioned it to your friends and family? If you would be pissed if he did it to you, don't go doing it to him. Talk with him about what happened afterwards, but NEVER in front of others. It shows a division in your relationship...which is something you shouldn't be waving about in front of your kids.

This is a function of the two of you being different individuals, with different thought processes, and different notions of propriety and consequences. But for your husband actually taking on, and coming round to your way of thinking (or you his); you are going to find yourself in a similar predicament down the line.

I imagine that your friend's husband does other stupid stuff. We are all guilty of stupid stuff.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I had an answer in my head at first. By the time I finished reading your post, I had a very different answer.

Your husband doesn't care about how you feel AT ALL. I'm sorry, but I kind of think he's a jerk. You have a splitting headache and AGAIN he's putting off leaving. While you're asleep, he allows his kids to go away with someone else (that you would never have let them do) so that he doesn't have to watch the kids, knowing full well that your daughter is SICK. When you get home, you have all the work to do, still with your headache, of wet and cold kids and a child who is most like sicker because of it all.

And you feel BAD because you were honest about this?

My opinion, though you might not be wanting to hear it here, is that you need to stand up for yourself more and stop letting him disregard you and the kids. All he is doing is looking out for himself. Next time say to him "No, we're leaving" and then go put the kids in the car.

Dawn

Don't blame your DH in front of others. It makes you look worse than him.
Plan to drive separate on occasions where you think DH might mess up the plan. Then you can take care of what needs done. Seems unnecessary, but it will save you some anxiety.