Help...Seeking Moms

Ok...I understand completely what you are talking about. I am a divorced mother of one and my son lives with me but when he comes back from his dad's he acts up very badly. In my case, my ex and his wife have abused my son emotionally and verbally and border line physical. We have taken him to counselors where he can talk about the issues that bother him and to also get everything documented but there is nothing we can do legally because my ex and his wife don't leave any marks. My point to all of this is that one of my son's counselors told me that his acting up is his way of letting out his anger, etc. and that if he is acting out it is because he feels comfortable with my husband and I. Now in saying that, we don't let him get away with everything we just show a little more compassion with him and he straightens out in a day or two.

I have an 11 year old step daughter. I first met her when she was six. My husband only gets her on holidays and summer because she lives in Oklahoma. When she would come to visit she would never listen. She doesn't have to do anything at her house. Her mom cleans up and lets her be rude to everyone. I have rules and if she makes a mess she is expected to pick it up. She is better now. I had to call her mother and have a talk with her. She agreed with us. She said she is having troubles with her to. she let her get away with too much. So maybe if you talk to the other parent and explain the situation. Also when my step daughter would come up, if she didn't do something she was supposed to we would take something away. At four you can take her doll away or make her sit in a naughty chair. That always worked for me with my step daughter.

S.,

As frustrating as that first day or two seems, it is not a bad turn around time considering the situation. Keep consistent. When our children were very little and we let them spend time with Grandparents, they were hellians the first few days after the visit was over. Eventually they learned that things are one way with parents and another with Grandparents. Hopefully your stepdaughter will come to the same realization in time.

Thankfully my husband's parents clued into some things they were doing that caused problems and stepped back a little. My mom will never catch on, so we just try to be patient through her visit and our children seem to recover quicker each time. I saw the same thing when I worked in a daycare. Children learn that they can't get away with things at school that they can at home and many drastically changed personalities the minute they came or left. Hang in there. :)

Best wishes,
S.

Hi, don't know if this will work but try talking to her mother or get your husband to talk to her mother. Its always good for all parents involved to have an understanding. If she doesn't want to apply those rules at her house then at least tell her to talk to the little girl about respecting your rules when she's at your house.

Its always hard on kids but we have to do our best to keep their best interests at heart. Good luck with everything.

You have to understand that she is a 4 year old that is coming from one house hold where she does things a certain way and entering your household where things may be done in a different way. She is 4 and she is not processing that I am leaving one house with rules to go to another with different rules and I have to obey these rules. It is not her responsibility as a 4 year old to adjust to your situation, it is the parents and step parents responsibility to help her adjust to the situation that she has been given by her biological parents. So instead of wondering what you can do to make her understand your rules, focus on what you and her father can do to better her situation because I promise it is alot harder for her than it is for you. I am not saying to change your rules, rules are good! I am just saying to consider this 4 year old's situation.

Good luck
D.
Mother of 6, wife of one, Child of God

Dear S.:
I'd say don't rock the boat. Have you ever travelled between two very different countries, e.g., USA and Germany? Even if you know the countries, it takes you a little to adjust to the respective culture. Or have you ever rushed to a conference or an opera where you switch from rushing mode to still mode within minutes upon arrival? You will still be 'pumped' in your seat and sweat a little...

Your daughter does the same every other weekend (or whatever the schedule is). It takes her a while to switch to the other environment. Likewise, the 'other side' may perceive your daughter as a bit quiet when she comes from you.

My son displays the same behavior when he comes from his mom, and I had a step-daughter who did the same coming from her dad. This is not about being 'step', it is simply about a change of scenery. Be glad you have bonded and give her some space.

If she ever brings up that she is allowed something on the other side which you don't on yours, it is OK to tell her that she can do that with her mom, but not with you. Say it in a matter-of-fact way, and add that you do other things instead.

Regards,
W.