Helping My Son

Hey M., I just would like to say you may want him to redo kindergarten. I have a son who started kindergarten late, and it was great to see him start at the top of his class and florish instead of being att he bottom and struggle. If he can get a head start now, wouldn't that make the next 12 years better?

I really hope this helps.

M.,

I haven't had any experience holding a child back in a grade yet, and hopefully I don't have to at this point. My daughter is going into the 2nd grade this fall.

BUT, when I was in kindergarten, my best friend was held back to repeat kindergarten. She did much better the second time around and did well in school from there on out.

Holding him back would in my opinion be much better for him in the long run. He'll be more likely to be the head of his class than the last. Being "last" or needing more help would effect him for many years, not just 1st grade.

These are just my thoughts. I don't wish to have to make this decision for you! It can't be easy.

Good luck,
V.

I was in almost the same situation you are in. In the third quarter of the year, my son's kindergarten teacher told me that he was not meeting any of the milestones required to move out of the grade. I was very upset. Why had it taken her so long to let me know there was a problem? (this is a question you should seriously consider) So I worked with him on his numbers and sight words and other things for several weeks. The teacher did tell me in that meeting that I should hold my son back. At that time I agreed with her. Then over spring break I spoke with a good friend of mine from church who also happens to work for the school district as a psycologist. I shared with her what my son's teacher had said and she was taken back. At one time she had been his church primary teacher, and had seen none of the problems described by the school teacher, and furthermore, the problems at school had not been brought to her attention as it should have been. I was left wondering what was going on. After I spoke with her, I was describing the problems to another friend of mine who's child had the teacher the year previous. She told me that her son had nothing but problems with this teacher as was the case with several other students in the class (my son's teacher had taught first grade until this year). This got me thinking and after discussing it with my mom, (who suggested that some teachers simply do not like some groups of kids ie, boys) I decided to spend some time in the classroom observing. To make a long story short, I found that my son did not mesh with the teaching style of the teacher, and that the students were expected to do work that they simply could not do because it was above thier level. I spoke to the school councelor at that point and shared my concerns with her. When I met with the teacher and councelor later, the teacher was falling all over herself praising my son in front of me, (but not to him) and said that he didnt need to be held back. I had no intentions of holding him back when I knew how much he knew because he would do the numbers and sight words ect at home. I really feel that this was a problem with the teacher. In the meeting with the councelor, I agreed to send him to summer school, and to re-evalutate at the beginning of next school year. He has been in summer school since the beginning of June and having a new teacher has made all the difference. He is doing wonderfully, and is reading now (which he wasnt doing before). There were a couple of outside factors that contributed to my decision not to hold him back. In my church, children are divided into sunday school classes by age, and the children are usually in the same grade as well. These classes at church do not change, and if a child goes to a different school or are in a different grade, I have found that it is hard on them as they get older. I also felt that my son should not be held back and have the stigma attached with that because of a personality conflict with the teacher. I hope that my situation has helped you in some way. Make the decision on your own, and dont simply follow what the teacher thinks. He is your child and you know him best. Good luck!

Hold him back! Please, let him have another year. He is not ready for first grade. I used to be a middle school teacher and kids who were older in their class did not have lower self esteems. Don't buy into that one! Actually, they tended to do better in middle school because they were older and more mature. Their behavior was better. They were able to do well in their classes academically. If your son is into sports, he will be stronger and do better in them in middle school and high school.

My sister has twin boys who were born the same month as my daughter and another boy cousin. She did not hold them back in kindergarten, but she did in first grade and she wishes she would have done it in kindergarten. They just finished their third grade year and they are doing great! They do not have self esteem issues, even when they hang out with their counsins who are their same age and a year ahead of them. They are two of the bigger kids in their class and they get picked first for teams!

I agree with your son's teacher. He needs another year in kindergarten. Remember that she knows the school's curriculum and that he is not ready for what is coming next. He is laying an important foundation that will provide strength for his entire educational career.

Please feel free to ask me any questions.

T.

I can't offer advice on keeping him back or not, but I do know of a useful tool for reading. It is an affordable paperback workbook called "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons." What's wonderful about it is that children do not need to know their ABCs before they start, and some children start as early as 3 1/2 -- because it is so straightforward and gently introduces new sounds. My daughter used the book, is now 4 1/2 and reads at the second grade level. I bought it off Amazon for less than $15 used, and many of my homeschooling friends have used it succesfully as well.

I'm a child psychologist and advocate for families with children with special needs. I have to say that holding children back can be very helpful but not always. It depends on why. It sounds to me like the school has not actually done any assessment of why your son has difficulty with reading and the recommendation to repeat kindergarten is a last minute end of school year solution. I would protest that if it was my kid.
Does he really need to repeat everything in K? if his only difficulty is reading, then he should be put in first grade and offered appropriate special education assistance for reading. there is no reason to connect his speech problems with reading problems unless he has a learning issue that may affect both. The school would only know this is they do a proper assessment, which you can request. Again there is no reason he has to repeat K to get that assessment, unless you feel he is not ready for 1st grade for other reasons. I'm assuming he's on an IEP for the speech already so the additional assessment should be easy to arrange.

Now if you think he's not ready for 1st grade because he's also behind in other skills, or social and emotionally he's immature, by all means repeat K but I would still insist on the assessment and appropriate intervention. Poor reading skills won't cure themselves just by a repeated K year if there really is a learning issue involved.

Take care, S.

My vote.... He "gets" to redo kindergarten. I think they should change the Law/rules about when boys start K. They shouldn't start until age 6. They just aren't developmentally ready. I taught middle school and I could always pick out the boys that were the same age as the girls. They mostly struggled. The older boys usually had no problem. I am holding my son back in preschool this year. He won't start K until he is 6. My husband and his brother were also held back in 2nd grade. Neither of them remember it being traumatic or remember much about it. They were both better off because of it.

M.,
You have not said when your sweetie's birthday is, but for little boys, they are USUALLY slower to be ready for school then girls. I come from a family of teachers, one who is a kindergarten teacher. She started her son in school right after is 5th birthday in the summer. He had a very rough year, so she kept him back. He was like a different little boy the next year! He went through school at the top of his class, and is a very smart young man.
I had boy/ girl twins that were August babies, and they started kindergarten at six years of age. They were ready by that time to be in a school learning situation. My son was not ready when he was five. I did not want them in different grades, so she waited with him.
I think if you explain to your son that he is staying back in a way that does not make him feel he has failed, just needs to "fine tune" what he has already learned, he will not feel any negitive feelings about it. My sisters son never had any of the kids say anything to him.
I wish you a lot of luck with this decision, and I am sure you will be able to come to the best decision for you and your son.

I just wanted to say that I was held back in Kindergarden, yes I know that was twenty some years ago but because I was so young it didn't effect me as far as being embarrassed or being made fun of. I think it would be better to do it now rather than wait a few years... say when he is in 4-5th grade when he has freinds and is still behind everyone and the teacher wants to hold him back. Thats when it could cause teasing and embarrassement. If the teacher thinks its a good idea I would do it now rather than wait till it harder for him. Hope that makes sense.

My oldest son is now 37 and he says holding him back in Kindergarten is the best thing I ever did. He wasn't 5 until Sept of the year he started kindergarten and had trouble with writing (didn't want to try) and seemed to be super-sensitive when someone said they didn't like him. His teacher (had taught Kindergarten for 35 years) said that if I or he wanted to do well in sports, it would be better if he were one of the older members of the class than the youngest. I was divorced at the time so had to make this decision by myself. Also boys are a little slower with their small motor skills and social skills than girls are. So he moved from morning kindergarten to afternoon kindergarten so that he would be walking home with the other kids in his day care group, and it worked out fine. He also appreciated being one of the first in his class to get his driver's license. So I would say, "Yes, hold him back and give him a little more time."

Hi M.,

I teach primary kids and specifically first grade. I think there are some questions you need to think about that relate personally to your child. First of all I have had kids in my class who have started not knowing their ABCs all the way up to kids who were reading chapter books. It is just the diversity you get in teaching this grade. It would not be crazy of you to keep him on the track he is, if that is what you need to do. Is your son one of the youngest kids in his class? If so, it might just be developmental and he will pick it up in time. Reading is like walking, you can't force them, if they are not ready. Also, how is he socially? Is he happy and does he have a lot of friends? If he is and does, the transition of not going on with his friends might be trauma enough to just let him move ahead. As far as his speech issues, he will be provided with support in first grade as well and shouldn't have to stay behind because of it. Each child has their unique and individual needs, his teacher will recognize that and give him the tools he needs to be successful in first grade. Have you thought about summer school or a private tutor? It is important that he doesn't lose progress over the summer. Most kids do but you could give him the advantage of keeping up and possibly moving ahead. These are just some questions to think about. Good Luck with your decision!

Hello M.!

I started school when I was six. My Mom did this with all of us kids. We all turned six in the summer and then started Kindergarten. My two oldest daughter's were born in June and July so I didn't put them in until they were six. I am happy about that decision because one of my daughters was really tiny at five (32 lbs.) and had no attention span. The other one was really shy and then we found out at almost age five that the reason why she didn't want to pick up a crayon was because she couldn't see and needed glasses. That extra year out of school helped her catch up on those basic skills. My other daughter is 4. She will be 5 in April. I will not be waiting until she is 6 because I don't want her to turn 7 in Kindergarten. So my last two daughters will be 3 years apart in age but only 2 years apart in grades. I felt odd about that at first but the point is that each child is different. If a teacher feels a child is not ready to move on, I would consider holding them back, but not before thinking about the other options. In my oldest daughter's case, even though she was older, she still struggled. She switched schools three times in a year and a half so I think that was the problem. She was not held back because of it though. She was put in summer school at the end of first grade. Also, the teacher was amazing and saw the need to get her caught up so she had her being pulled out of class for almost every subject to get her some one on one time with a specialist. If your son does move on to first grade there shouldn't be any reason why he can't get more attention for those things he needs help with. You might want to talk to someone about that. They don't just have to throw him into first grade and forget that there are struggles that he is facing. As far as being help back having an impact of kids? My kids haven't even noticed that they just turned 7 and 9 when all of their friends are turning 6 and 8. I was always older than everyone in my class. It wasn't hard. By the time I was a Senior in high school, everyone thought it was totally unfair. I was the only one in my Government class that could legally vote. I turned 19 the summer right after I graduated high school and some of my friend were still 17 and facing issues with getting jobs and being able to do things without parental consent. So I think that it works out either way...really only coming down to each individual child.

I always worry about holding kids back and the confidence issues that go with it. I have been told at our school that public schools are not even supposed to recommend it. You may want to check into it further.

Have you considered tutoring or summer school to help him jump ahead a bit? He might just need a little extra help. When it comes down to it, if you hold him back you certainly want to do it when he is little rather than later when he will be more emotionally affected.

M.,

I am surprised that your son's teacher would suggest holding him back. The schools around where I live prefer to have the children stay with their age group. I had a friend when I was growing up that was older than the rest of us. He always saw himself as "stupid". Is there a way that you can help your son to see his gifts and talents and not feel that there is something wrong with him whatever you decide to do with his education? The most important thing is how your son sees himself.

With my whole heart, C.

My daughter has always been the youngest kid in her class. But in kindergarten there was a boy who was a year older than all the other kids. It was his second year of kindergarten. His parents decided to have him repeat as he was immature, and probably for some other reasons. He did MUCH better the second time around. His grades were better and he interacted with the kids better.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should keep him back, nor am I saying don't keep him back. I'm just saying that it's not as bad a thing as it sounds. Maybe, like this boy, yours just needs another chance to work on it.

No one made fun of this boy - he was very much liked by all the kids. So, stigma shouldn't come into play.

You need to do what's best for your son - and unfortunately, you're the one who knows what that is. Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best!

I would either hold him back so that he isn't way behind on reading vs. classmates, OR I'd move him to first grade while simultaneously getting a reading tutor. I'd keep the reading tutor until he was at grade level on reading.

Everyone I ever knew who held their kindie back for a second try ended up with very good results. The child matured in the area that was of concern and moved on to upper grades without problems.

It's okay to hold back a kindie. There's no social stigma amongst peers at that age, but it's agony to be "the kid who can't read" and it will possibly affect him for many years to come.

I would check out www.interactivemetronome.com and see if there is a provider in your area. My mom works with out of town clients on occasion. It is great! Many of her clients have been told they need to be held back and after doing the program are passed ahead with no problems. If you're going to hold him back, kindergarten is probably the best place to do it, but you want to make sure holding him back is really necessary and that it will really fix his difficulties. GL

Please don't feel guilty about holding your son back now. I started noticing problems with my daughters reading ability in 2nd Grade and suggested/requested that the school hold her back. The school/teachers didn't recognize that there was a LD and wouldn't hold her back. By the time she was in 5th Grade, it was really evident to me. Come to find out she is dyslexic. Like your son, she knew all of her letters and their sounds, but she couldn't apply it when it came to reading or spelling. We moved her to a different school, and had her repeat 5th Grade. It was the best thing we could have done for her. She had always been one of the youngest in her class (June Birthday), and now she is one of the oldest. Now she is a leader instead of a follower. She still struggles with her learning disability, but is able to do most of the work on her own. Her confidence has soared at her new school where before she had no confidence. My nephew who is 33 repeated Kindergarten and like my daughter, went from being a follower to being a leader. He was a July birthday. His parents automatically kept his younger brother at home an additional year to give him the maturity advantage. Everything I have read and have been told is that boys brains mature at a slower rate than girls and that giving them an extra year is to their advantage. Hope that this helps you in your decision.

J.

M.,

Keep in mind that each school district picks a random date, any child born before that date can start school, ones born after must wait another school year. That does not mean that every child is ready to start school simply because his/her birthday falls at a certain time. There is NOTHING WRONG with allowing your son to repeat kindergarten. If the teacher does not feel he is ready for 1st grade, don't push him. Give him the opportunity to grasp and understand the basics covered in kindergarten before trying to handle 1st grade curriculum. Reading will affect his learning in all subject areas, be sure he gets a good start and feels comfortable with reading at grade level. Otherwise, he may always be trying to play catch up, while also trying to learn the new lessons. Of course then the child gets frustated, which makes learning even more difficult and hated. Retaining a child in kindergarten will not be very tramatic for the child either. When parents/teachers wait till their in higher grades, then it can be a problem.

Good luck!

I taught 2nd grade for 24 years, so I do have some experience in the area.

M., as a grandma I can tell you this: children grow and mature at different rates, and they don't always accomplish what they need to in their year of Kindergarten. But as they get older, they *will* be expected to keep up with every year's school curriculum. Assuming that your son's teacher's assessment is correct, Kindergarten is an easy grade for a child to repeat; it does not have the "peer stigma" attached to it as it would if he had to repeat first or third or seventh grade. And if another year gives him solid reading skills, go for it! Think how much more he'll accomplish - and how proud he'll be of himself - once he is a first-grader. If you decide to go this route, you might ask the teacher for suggestions as to how to prepare him for the idea that he GETS TO (not has to!) have another year in the K class.

Hi M.: I have a 5yr old(boy) who is starting kindergarden this year and a 8yr old boy who is going into 3rd. My oldest has a Oct birthday but was also premature so he needed extra help. Daniel my soon to be 5yr old next month has been told he was doing so great in preschool he should go on to kindergarden. I feel your situation. I like what the other mom said about the IEP if he is in speech, check for a evaluation. When is his birthday? As far as trauma goes my son did just fine starting kindergarden at 6 it was almost better. This is a tough choice for moms of boys with summer birthday's. Look at his overall school experience and if you think he could use this extra bump then it will only help him in the long run. I think we mom's look short term vs long term and it is hard to do. Talk to the teacher again and the special ed teacher for a objective opinion maybe the principle can help with some processing. Good Luck and I will probably be in your shoes next year. We shall see.
I wish you all the best!