I am worried about my 11 years old daughter. Her name is Rachel. She has this friend who is not being a friend, and is being rude, mean, and hateful, and the sad part about it, my daughter wants to end the friendship. I have been trying to guide her thru this, and let her make the choice. But I have told her she is not to get mean, or hateful in return, and she is not allowed to have this girl over here, and poor Rachel won't even go to her party tomorrow that her mean friend is having tomorrow. The friend has alot of issues, such as jelousy, only able to have one friend at a time, she speaks her mind even if it is lies, and she lies about us, and has in the past, and is being mean and cruel, and as a Christian mom, I find this hard to handle, I mean the mom let's the kid speak her mind, weather or not it hurts anyone else, even adults, and I took care of this kid before so I know her, quite well. I don't like to speak mean about children as I have 3 of my own , and I love kids, but this one makes my blood boil and I almost told the mom off, tonight but I didn't. I will let Rachel end it herself. If that is her choice. But I do want her to know I care but how do I help her, in the right way, and not overtake, or say something I will regret. I feel so upset for her, I can't even sleep and I hate seeing my little girl hurting so much. What do I tell her, how do I help her, overcome this? I wont' let my kids speak mean of others, even if they do hate them. BUt hate is a strong word. I choose dislike ok, but do you understand my fusteration? HELP! I deal with anxiety and this is really hard on me.
Well I talked to the mother, about this, and I explained to her, that my daughter wanted to end the friendship. And that we hope they will respect her decision, and leave her alone. I told the mom that we have to many differences and we raise our kids in differnent ways, and I want to be able to be friends with someone who I can relate to with things, and not be so opposite. I know it sounds a bit harsh but I tried to be kind about it all and said well the girls just are not getting along and rachel is tired of being hurt, and that she wants to take a brake and be left alone from her for a while so I hope they respect that, and we will see how things go later on. I suppose. Kids do have to make choices, and I know Rachel chose the right way, but it was very hard for her. I am glad this issue is done with, we hope. LOng as they respect our privacy we will respect theres, and end things peacefully. Rachel has friends and she knows the difference of a good friend or bad friend, now. From all this.
I think it is great that Rachel no longer wants to be friends with someone who is so mean to her. I would just build Rachel up and if she wants to end the friendship let her. She does not have to say anything to the girl just stay away from her. Good Luck!!!
Your daughter is handling it quite well by ending a negative relationship in her life on her own. You are right to let her know it is not all right to be hateful or mean in return. Emotionally, it sounds like this might be harder on you than on Rachel, since Rachel is obviously doing all the right things. If I were you, I would focus on finding other outlets so as to avoid putting too much focus or pressure on this event which your daughter has handled marvelously. She will ask you for help if she needs it -- otherwise, leave it alone. Sounds like she is doing great!
Luckily, I'm not that old and I know what its like being around other girls like that. Not to mention, I have my baby sister who is dealing with the same thing. I was raised in a Christian family. My parents are Southern Baptists.
Your daughter is right for not wanting to be friends with this girls and I'm torn for her having to deal with such a brat. Talk with your daughter. Seeing as you are a religious mother, I beg and plead that you tell her issues similar in the Bible that may help her. Use Christ as the example (he was lied about, cursed, beaten). Also, talk to this girl's mother. I know she may not be your best friend right now, and i know it may be hard to talk to her, but you really need to talk to her about how her daughter treats other people.
Another thing that you can do, talk to the principal. He may be able to deal a little bit with the girl as well..
God Bless and i hope all works out.
Hi:
As a teacher...I can't help but wonder if you are allowing your child to stand up for herself. I see and understand that you are not wanting her to be cruel or mean..but I think there is a difference in allowing your daughter to set clear limits with others. She needs to be clear about her limits and how she expects to be treated. It is okay to ask someone to respect you. "I choose not to be your friend if you are not able to be a good friend." I applaud her ability to see that maybe this person might not be a good friend. At the same time....sometimes people use this type of behavior because they need someone positive...She can be a good role model for others if she stands up and respects herself. There are plenty of friends out there! Let her know to try and be there if the other girl can change her behavior. People sometimes deserve and need second chances......All you can do as a parent is respect her feelings and encourage her to handle it as respectfully and as positively as she can and support her decision. She does not have to put up with the negative behavior. I hope she decides to speak honestly and nicely to this girl. Perhaps she will learn something from your daughter about friendship and respect.....perhaps the other parent will learn how to encourage her daughter to follow suit in her interactions with others!
Hi J.,
Reverend K. here, do what Jesus did, have your daughter dust her RubiE SlippeR's off and move on. As for you, I recommend you start reading from the Gospel of John. You can get a ChildreN's Bible and all read it together. Remain Child-Like and you will soon """C""" a BIG difference in you and your childrens attitudes.
If you have any further questions, email me at ____@____.com, MaY the HanD of GoD '''B::: with """U""" always.
K.
Lead by example and talk with the mom about how the situation (NOT her daughter) is causing you pain. Make sure you daughter knows what you're doing and remember that you're teaching her a life skill. Please don't take this wrong, but from your post, it sounds like you're adding fuel to the problem right now rather than helping to resolve it. If your daughter doesn't want to be around the girl, then maybe that's her gentle way of ending the friendship. If so, let her lead the way and you follow her example.
I do understand your frustration, as well as your anxiety about your daughter's well-being.
What I have learned is this...ask questions and listen. Try not to live the experience for her, encourage her to look at ways to handle it and choose the best options. "I" messages help, too. "It makes me sad that your friend is acting this way." "I feel angry at her and her mother." "Sometimes I just want to make it all go away." These are statements that don't tell her what to do, and let her know how you feel. Feelings are not wrong, they are what you feel, as much as saying "I feel hungry, or tired." Nobody is going to make you wrong for that. Let her start learning how to deal with the ups and downs of relationships, and if your daughter feels she "hates" this girl, than that is what she feels. Making her wrong dis-empowers her to confront. As she gets older, she will be more able to nuance her feeling.
But right now if Rachel says "I hate her." You could observe what you see in her, sadness, anger, confusion. If you stay calm and neutral, you will teach her more, and she will emulate that level of maturity as she gets older.
When I was around your daughters age, I had a friend that was very similar to this little girl. She was bossy, spoiled, mean, and very controlling of me.. Finally I got fed up, and I told my mom that I didn't like going to her house any more, and I didn't want her to come over. The next time I was invited over, I told her that I didn't want to.. Her mom called my mom, and my mom politely told her that I had decided to take a break from playing with her, and that she was sorry, but she wouldn't force me to play with her if I didn't want to, since it made me uncomfortable. The little girl then wanted to talk to me, and I just told her I was sorry, but I didn't want to play with her because of how she treated me, and I would just play with my little sister for a while. She moved on and had a new friend over within a day.
Sadly, she still remained a bossy girl, and didn't have too many friends.. I wouldn't worry about the other little girl that much. You can pray for her, but you have to protect your daughter. You don't need to tell the other girl's mother off, but you can explain to her calmly why you can't let your daughter inter act with her. I know its hard, but pray for strength and compassion before you speak with her, and the right words will come!
I have a grandson who will be 11 in a week and he has Asperger's. He has had one very good friend for several years who is now doing similar things as your daughters friend.
We have explained to him that people do come and go in our lives. That we always learn something from everyone - even if it is how NOT to treat someone else. We let him make his own choices also but try to show him the big picture and be able to "step outside the picture" and look in. Once we are "outside" we let him come up with possible reasons and solutions to the problem. Sometimes it is just ignoring the issue...sometimes it is confronting the issue...sometimes it is just letting things slide for a while and see what happens. But it allows him to learn to see other sides of an issue instead of only the personal, hurting one.
Don't know if this helps but it works for us. Hang in there!
Though it's definitely not yours or your daughter's responsibility to figure out or help this other girl, I find your story sad in regards to her too. Children are not born mean, they are molded that way or allowed to be that way from the surroundings they grow up in. She is probably a very sad and lonely person and likely doesn't have a lot of positive reinforcements in her life. Like I said, it doesn't change the fact of the matter of how she is, but it's something to keep in mind when dealing with this situation. For you and your daughter, I think you're definitely on the right track to support her in removing this girl from her life though.
I hope you all find the guidance that you need to move on and be happy. That's all anyone really wants in life.
It's so sad what some families allow their children to do--- it's really, really hard to understand why they tolerate such behaviour in their children. What do they think they are teaching????
Ok, how to help her:
First - tell her stories from your own childhood- or even your Moms' - if you know 'em. It REALLY helps children to know ''this has been going on for all of humanities history'''.
Second -- look in the Laura Ingalls Wilder books --- Laura as a young girl and early teen ran into EXACTLY the kind of cruelty and nastiness your little one is experiencing.
Third -- encourage her to tell you when she wants you to intervene -- she may already.
Forth --- talk to your older girls- one of them may be able to help.
Sorry, lamb- it stinks
Blessings,
J.
aka-- Old Mom
I hope I can be a bit of an advocate for the other child here. My daughter is not old enough yet, but my family also practices letting the kids handle their own friendships, and so do my nieces, who are about your daughter's age.
Their mom guides them and tells them what the consequences are of being mean to your friends (losing them), but at that age it's important that they start making their own decisions and learn from the bad ones.
The same goes for your daughter, it's important to learn that sometimes friends, aren't truly friends, that's just a reality of life, and how to cope when one's own feelings are not reciprocated or when you realize a relationship isn't good for you and you have to end it.
It's hard and heart-wrenching to watch but such important lessons learned on both sides.
Just be there for her and support her decision.
Good luck!
