Help with Tantrums!!!

Oh yes tantrums are very normal and even to be expected. That doesnt mean you should tolerate them. The quicker you stop them the better. He seems like a very bright little boy and as such understands everything you say. Tell him you will no longer tolerate his behavior and then show him his time out place. If he hits immediate time out. If he throws things immediate time out. Otherwise warn him to do as told and count to 3 then time out.

Hi There,
I have a 17 month old son also... it sounds as if you are describing him!! My son is very sweet and good natured, but also loud, mischevious and stubborn and loves to climb on everything. And, oh, the Irish Temper!! He has great motor skills, but has very little speech... he just got tubes put in due to chronic fluid/ear infections, and we hope that helps his speech too (although I know he is still young to really worry). Right now he gets so frustrated because he has trouble communicating his needs/wants. We have a 3 and 1/2 year old daughter who was entirely different both developmentally and in personality, so this is new for us. Our daughter talked early, was always mature for her age, and had a much more mellow temperment!! It's hard not to compare kids, but each kid is different. Between personality and age, kids often go through a very independent/stubborn stage at this age... they are starting to learn that they are their own separate person. The way we deal with our son is to give him a little more freedom with some things, but stay consistant with disciplining. With anything like hitting/biting we put him straight in time out (in his high chair, turned toward a wall). For things such as climbing on tables etc., I don't make a big deal of anymore because it became a game and he laughed each time he did it. I just wait a minute (making sure he is safe) and ignore it, then I walk over and take him off and walk him over to a distraction and just say "we don't climb on tables". I found that for him, he does it more, the bigger deal we make of it. For throwing food, we take the food away and turn his high chair around. For changing time, we tell him that he will be getting his diaper change, and sometimes have him help by getting the diaper. This gives him a bit of a warning... lately he likes to hold his own wipe and "wipe" his hands and face which sometimes buys us a few seconds... he just has to know that changing time is not a choice and it has to be done... we do it quickly and matter of factly... though with real messy ones we tag team if there are 2 adults around (my niece who is the same age also hates changing time- they are too interested in doing other things than to be bothered!) Overall, we are lovin watching our little guy grow into his own person, but it can be trying sometimes! We really try to understand and acknowledge what he wants, even if it is something he can't have. It must be frustrating to know what you want and want to do and not communicate it! Overall, just be consistant and praise good behavior whenever possible.... it is a phase... just enjoy the fun parts of this age.

It is very normal. I agree with the discipline avenue as well as facilitating the happy, good times. I think both are extremely important. I learned that "No" was a word to be used in dangerous situations (health and safety only - crossing the street, getting into chemicals, climbing on the stove, etc, etc - true safety concerns ONLY) - not just when they are doing something we'd rather they didn't

My dgtr was extremely independent at that age also - climbing into her highchair by herself, not allowing us to help feed her anymore, climbing stairs, etc, etc. I found the more I backed off - the better she was. AND - the more she listened when it was important. I let her be as independent as she could be if it wasn't a true safety concern and was merely there to make sure if she slipped she wouldn't fall and crack her head open. She appreciated it because she was allowed more freedom and she really shined. Now, she is 3 and she'll say - "mommy, I want to do this by myself". And, when she can't - she'll tell me - "ok, I need help now."

I honed in on the part you wrote where he gets angry when being reprimanded or taken away from an activity (of course there could be a million things leading up to those events, but...) If he is doing something he shouldn't - redirect him to do what you want - maybe he's throwing a ball against the TV- you show him how funny it is when his favorite bunny rides around on his fire truck - get his attention away from the ball without bringing attention to it. Obviously there are times where this won't work and if you have tried redirection a couple times and it's not working - say, "We don't throw the ball in the house, (at the TV - whatever). Let's play chase instead - I'm gonna get you!!!" If he insists on throwing the ball (he likely won't if you have engaged him in something else) then use time out - but make sure you prep it - if you do that again, you will sit in time out (after his minute and a half, make sure he apologizes and gives kisses and hugs).

If it is when you 'take him away from an activity" - make sure you transition him. "Ok sweetie - in 2 minutes, we're going to put that away and go do ________" "In 1 minute, we're going to put that away and go do ________", "OK - in 10 seconds, remember, we're going to.........", "OK - it's time for us to put that away (while you are helping him move away from the activity) and do ______" I did this with my dgtr- it works, and I worked with children for years - this works. It helps them know what is coming next and plan for it. If he just gets taken away from something and doesn't know why - he will likely get upset each time.

The other thing is to make sure you have a general routine in the house and stick to it for the most part each day. It helps them plan their days out also. Good luck - it is definitely normal - but help make it as positive as you can.

My son went through this and it turned out that he got his molars a few weeks later (he has gotten teeth very slowly). And with every set of new teeth now he ends up with the same behaviors you are mentioning. They do go away once he has finished getting the teeth though. So some days when it was really bad, I gave him a little bit of Tylenol for the discomfort and his demeanor changed a bit. But I didn't want to do that too much so there were days when I just had to manage it closely so he didn't hurt anyone.

Not sure if that's helpful, but thought I would mention it in case he doesn't have all of his teeth.
Good luck!

Hi C.
OH how beautiful to have a 17 mos old who is trying to be independent!!! One day you will be thankful that he has his own thoughts and knows what he wants. Trust me that day comes sooner than you think. Remember you want to develop independence.
Now, my thoughts!!
You have a great son. Probably very bright and therefore needs direction not discipline. So how does mom give direction to one so young? My mom told me that you do that by knowing what causes the behavior. Wow!! It always worked for her too. You probably have heard that some moms can tell what their child wants by their cry, well my mom taught me to understand their anguish before it was misery.
At 17 mo., learn what puts the smile on his fast and do it. Then when he starts to sound like this could turn into a fit, use that which makes him smile. So many miserable hours were averted at our house when I picked up that I was not the boss, but instead a facilitator that keeps everyone happy; I was the thermostat that set the temp in the room, and didn't let myself become the temperature by what was happening in the room; I was the love that made people happy, not the director who forced everyone to obey.
Each of my children, had different personalities and were happy doing certain things. Sorry I don't remember 18 mo too well, but I know at 3, some set the table, some washed the dishes, and some made the salad, but most liked to bake the cookies. As soon as I stopped making the salad maker bake cookies, things were happier.
Now about ____--- my mom said "why are they so mad they have to, in our house it was biting? Get off your butt and handle it before it gets to biting. Wow!! You know once I learned the sounds, I could avert biting before it happened. It took a month or two, but it saved alot of trouble as they grew. I did learn the sounds. I also learned the happy, and averted them to what made them happy. I know that today it is the fad to use time out, and reward, and three strikes, but you know I am glad my mom taught me to listen for happy and choose that, listen for anguish and avert that.
Maybe you'll catch on to a thing or two you can do to help your situation.
Hope you find your answer
K. === SAHM married almost 39 years --- adult children 38, coach; 33, lawyer, married with 1yo; twins 19, in college after homeschooling.

I could have written your post word for word except my son's birthday is Feb. 8th, 2008. Unfortunately, I am also looking for advise. I try to remove my son from the situation, but that makes him even more determined to do what he is not supposed to. I have lots of friends with children that are almost 3 yrs. old and they say it goes with the age. What bothers me most is my husband feels that it is only our son. I often put the blame on myself since I am home with him.

Sorry I have no advise, but looking forward to others.

Dear MOM

It is normal to a point,

YES its terrible 2's in the starts, BUT if you notice anything unusual, such as head banging, and lack of eye contact, not speaking .

Then it could indicate something else.

Don't worry he is still just 17 months, so don't panic.
I am merely suggesting what would be out of the ordinary,
and things to look for.

M

My son is 19 mos old and does the same thing. I count to 3 then put him in a chair til he stops. He still throws fits, but stops most of the time by my count of 3 or when he gets put in the chair.

Hi C.,

I can definitely relate to you with the hitting and screaming.. I got some good advice from the Moms on here and have been trying to use some of it for a week. So far the change is minimum, but hello, it's only been about a week, but something is better than nothing. I have been trying to tell him to use his quiet voice and words instead of screaming "NO" in mine or my husband's face. The hitting we have noticed if we are face to face with him, he gets bold, ie. the changing table, but if we are standing, he is less likely to raise his hand to hit us. So when we are trying to deal with these minor melt downs(that's what I am referring to them as because I know that this is minor compare to what other parents have to cope with ;-)), we make sure to avoid being at eye level with him.
We were starting to having an issue with bed time(thrashing in my arms as we walked to the crib), but I came up with a good night routine and it worked almost instantly. So as I start to take him away from his toys, I will dim the light and tell him that the toys are tired because the moon is coming out. Also, that he has to say goodnight to everybody and that he will play with them tomorrow again. He will proceed by saying "Good Night, see you tomorrow," to the toys, the dog, my husband and myself. This has also worked with other instances, of course using a different phrase, like we will color tomorrow, watch the movie tomorrow or visit the playground tomorrow. I definitely make sure not to tell him that we will do an activity tomorrow if I have other intentions. This way when tomorrow comes, there is no meltdown because the activity promised is not going to occur. I have been lucky enough to avoid tantrums so far. However, I do credit that to the fact that my son communicates very clearly with me and my husband.

Take care. I wish you lots of luck.
D.

Hi C.-

It seems to me that there could be a number of things going on here. The first is independence the second it testing boundaries. My daughter in now 24 months and she has been doing the same types of things for some time.

My first words of advise are to go ahead and let him have his tantrum. Do not give in. I know this is easier said than done, but you and your husband need to show a unified front on the same issues. Is putting stuff in the DVD player bad? Then tell him no, take away the item that was being inserted, slap his hands (if needed, for the startle factor) and walk away. Repeat as necessary till the message is understood. the melt down will most likely happen but it each time it should shorten up. As long as the area that the meltdown is occurring in is "safe" like an area rug or something, who cares.

The public displays are harder to deal with. The best bet is to leave the situation. Tell him "no" and remove yourself from the issue. I know this is a pain but he needs to learn his actions have consequences and leaving behind a toy/candy/cookie/whatever started the attitude behind is the result.

I would also suggest it is time to start time out in a big way. We started putting my daughter into her crib. She could throw her fit there and we would monitor it outside her door for about 2 to 3 minutes and then go in and talk to her. Right before she turned 2YO, we purchased some plastic play chairs for time out. She now is sleeping in daybed so there was no more confining her to her bed. The chairs are only for time out and we keep them in the closets where they can not be played with. When we take a chair out, she knows she is in trouble. She gets 3 minutes (her age plus 1 minute) and then we kneel down next to her, look her in the eyes and "talk". She has to say she is "sorry" and we usually ask her for what. She will typically tell us "tantrum" and we try to work in what the tantrum was about... like not listening to Mom or Dad or doing something we said "no" to. We try to keep it simple and use small words. We always end with hugs and she gets to put the chair away when the time out is over. Of course, she has to saty in the chair and that was a battle a few times. The time out has transitioned well to scenarios outside the house - a cushion at a friends house, the park bench one time - the idea is still the same and I think it is this consistency that has worked.

Above all else, it is the consistency that matters the most. Have open and honest discussions with your husband about the boundaries you think should be set and make sure you two work together to enforce them. Remember though that as much as this is a boundary issue, it is also a freedom issue so decide when the line has slack and give it to your son.

Best of Luck!
~C.

PS. Our slack issue when we are out shopping is being able to puch the shopping cart with Mommy or Daddy, but the instant she wonders away, she is in the seat. :-)

Hi C.

It is normal. My son is 3 and every once in a while he has these temper tantrums that seem easily triggered. Alot of times it seems he is testing boundaries. We were giving him time out, but that stopped working. He can be very stubborn and very defiant. It is extremely embarrassing when we are out in public and he does this. My problem is that my husband and I have different approaches to discipline and this causes a problem for us. My son will behave and do everything I ask (on a good day), but I find that as soon as my husband gets home, my son begins to act out. If i try to correct him, he will run to his father and refuse to listen to me. His dad gives him bags of M&Ms and candy and gives in to his every demand. So its important that you and your husband come up with a plan and are united in discipline techniques. the child can sense when you guys are not on the same page. Good luck and I wish you all the best.