Help with Social Cues and Fitting In

I always tell myself to talk less and listen more. Smile, make eye contact, and get people talking. People love to talk about themselves so ask questions about what they do, how many kids they have etc...and really be engaged in the conversation.

One of my friends told me always ask how they are doing first. Apparently people like to talk about themselves. :p :D

I will always rub people the wrong way so as strange as it seems I tell people the quirks of my personality upfront. At least that way they know when I say something odd it is just how my brain works and not meant to upset them. If I didn't I don't think I would have any friends.

It's hard to make a good impression when you're worried about making a good impression. You're concerned that you rub people the wrong way. Well, we all do that sometimes, and you need to remember that you won't please everybody. Actually, you may only make an impression on a few, but that's normal as well.

Think about this: focus on the people around you without wondering what they think of you and without feeling you have to be important. I've had to work hard on my timidity (I don't know if this is your situation - it may not be), and I had to realize that what other people were thinking of ME and how much they paid attention to ME were just not that important - that I wasn't the center of the universe.

When I understood that, I felt freer to smile at people, to say hello, to be interested in THEM (even when the talk flows around me but not to me), to want them to have a good time. It helps me to look at them, to listen to them, to ask them questions about their favorite subject - themselves - to let them lead in the conversation (responding with more questions when possible), and to bite my tongue a lot.

Small talk is supposed to be pleasant talk conducted in a pleasant way, so an abrasive person or an abrasive subject can sometimes be handled gracefully by asking more questions (even questions leading away from that abrasive subject).

When you show interest in the other person without trying to get him/her interested in you, other people will often start to think you're very likable. You probably realize that others' doing this has the same effect on you!

Hope this helps a bit.

ask questions about the person. get them to talk about themselves. don't be pushy about it, just show interest.
best way to break the ice ever.
khairete
S.

Do you smile when around other people? Are you friendly or aloof? Do you ask people about themselves? Do you give a smile and wave when you see someone you know in passing? Are you pleasant in conversing? Or are you someone who is always complaining or spouting off a strong opinion? Are you always quiet? Do you show a kind interest in others? It is true that your children will completely emulate what they see you doing. It's so sweet that you are thinking of your daughter bc these types of skills are important in life.

Just smile, look on people's eyes, listen more than talk and when you do, talk about nice things and nice experiences, do not say you are mad or angry or sad, people don't like to hear those things and then when you form a real friendship you can talk whatever you want and your real friends will listen to you. Enrich your vocabulary, read about self-enrichment books, use the "magic words" everywhere starting at your home, be calm and warm, if someone or something bothers you just count to ten and ignore it/him/her and walk away. Be sincere and honest. Personally, I avoid people, men or women who seems so "plastic" or "superficial", it is easy to notice them since they love to be noticed. Be tolerable, all of us make mistakes socially sometimes.
Nice post M., all of us should be aware of this more often and this world would be a better place to live. Kudos for you!

There are all kinds of people in the world - some are social - some are not. I have my moments of not wanting to talk to anyone - and others where I want to socialize. But I have to say - for the most part I do try to avoid some types of people. The PTA type moms make me crazy - so I try to avoid them when I see them coming.

The best way to make small talk is to ask the other person about themselves - gently. Most people love to talk about themselve and/or their children. Ask how does Sally like school , her teacher, etc. Tell them you saw their child coming out of school and he was adorable goofing around with his friends, etc. If they all play on some sports team find something good to say aobut their kids' athletic abilities - or if they kid was mentioned in the school newspaper ask how did he get the idea for that great "____" whatever.

And then again, when you really don't feel social, avoid them all. ;o)

I read a book that really helped me, called Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. It is basically a business book but it has the basis for real communication and how to really listen and ask good questions. I learned alot from it.

Your post is kind of vague but people who make good impressions tend to ask the other person questions and refrain from talking about themselves or giving their opinions unless asked. Even if someone asks for your opinion, always be careful to not put down what the opposite opinion might be. If you find from their answer that you two have something in common, then chime in (you two then have something you can relate to and that will begin to create a bond and good impression). Watch the Real Housewives on Bravo and don't do what they do. :) These women are very set in their ways and have trouble seeing things from other's point of view. They are too outward with their opinions and quite rude and insulting much of the time. It's unreal. That is never a good thing if you are trying to make an impression. In the beginning, try to refrain from saying too much. Until you get comfortable holding back with what you want to say. Stop and think about how your comment could make the person feel. Could they read into it wrong? If so, just don't say it. It will take practice, just like anything else. Good for you for having self-awareness and wanting to make a change. We all have things we could use to improve on.

I've spent the last couple of years learning how to just let it go. I have been labled argumentative for as long as I can remember. I HATE it. You can say nothing back to that except agree. If you try to defend yourself, you're just arguing more and proving their point...so...it sucks.

The last couple of years though I've made a very serious effort to look at situations and think...how does this effect me?? If it doesn't, I can't let it effect me. Shrug my shoulders and say...oh well...take a coupel deep breaths if I need to and just let it go.

I keep my opinions to myself more...not everyone wants or needs to know how I feel about everything. I ask more people about their lives and listen, talk less about myself, focus on being the kind of person that makes me happy. I want to be humble and find that I'm drawn to humble people...I'm not always very successufl but I try REALLY hard!

Good luck..keep your chin up!

One of the things that gives people the idea that they just had a good conversation with someone is if they get to talk about themselves. Encouraging them to talk about themselves might give them a better impression about you afterward. Don't just say nothing; you need to share too or it won't last, but when they get on a roll, let them keep going! (This is good for interviews too). To get them to talk about themselves, DON'T ask intensely personal questions. Get to a topic they are interested in, but do it through small talk. Finding similarities in each other might help with the chemistry also, so pursue topics that you both have a lot to say about. Good luck!

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One of the things that gives people the idea that they just had a good conversation with someone is if they get to talk about themselves. Encouraging them to talk about themselves might give them a better impression about you afterward. Don't just say nothing; you need to share too or it won't last, but when they get on a roll, let them keep going! (This is good for interviews too). To get them to talk about themselves, DON'T ask intensely personal questions. Get to a topic they are interested in, but do it through small talk. Finding similarities in each other might help with the chemistry also, so pursue topics that you both have a lot to say about. Good luck!

I feel for you when I was younger I had that problem now I'm at the point I really dont care. I think with age I got my self confidence and started to believe if they did not accept me the way I was they could take a flying leap. Funny thing though since I've got to that point I've started to get along better with others and actually connected with others. There are those cliques etc that will never be.. But I'm absolutely fine with that because I decided watching how they treat others I wouldnt want to spend time with idiots who would judge so harshly. Someone once told me that if you pretend you know what your doing etc others start to believe it also. If there is a specific situation you are trying to work out please let us know.

why do you think you rub people the wrong way? Have they told you this?

In order for people to be comfortable with you, you will need to find that level of comfort within yourself. This goes back to self-esteem.

Begin by embracing the best in yourself....& working on the faults. By doing this, you will begin to project a more positive image & it will reflect on those around you.

If you feel at odds with yourself, then everyone else will too! Peace....

I recommend finding and working with a Life Coach. They work with you to design new behaviors and practice new ways of being to change the outcomes in your life. They aren't counselors/therapists because they do not diagnose you and "fix" what's wrong.

Life Coaches can be found by googling. Each coach has their own specialty, so you'd want to talk with a few to see who is a good fit.