Help with Potty Training a Soon to Be 4 Year Old

I let my daughter have accidents in her underwear and immediately gave her a bath/rinse cool enough to be uncomfortable, to clean her up. It didn't take long for her to feel like going to the potty was better than getting a cold rinse.

I know everyone says bribing is not a good thing. My daughter was stubborn too... She would pee in the potty but not poo. I finally was at my wits end with her and so my mother offered to buy her the baby alive doll that goes to the bathroom in her diaper after you feed her food if she started using the big girl potty. This was the one toy she had begged for forever. The day my mom offered it she started right away and never had another accident.

Hi,

If you still are having problems after it is warmer outside then keep her with you outside without pants or diapers on and a training potty nearby for a full day. You might be able to guide her to the potty as needed and reward her generously if she has any success at all. (a small candy is very helpful as a reward too like M&M's)

Good Luck

I've had potty training power struggles with both of my girls. My older daughter was 3 1/2 when she potty trained as well.

Now I'm training my 2-year-old. I started by setting the microwave timer to go off every 30 minutes to remind us it was time for a potty break. She cooperated at first, but quickly grew tired of going to the bathroom when told. To give her the power back, I got her a small timer of her own and put it in the bathroom. I set it for 30 minutes (you can gradually increase the time as she learns body control), then let her press the "start" button. I tell her, "Good job. You did it!" Then tell her, "Remember it's your job to stop the timer when it goes off." When the timer goes off, she runs to press the button and finds herself already in the bathroom. I go in to supervise her potty break and, of course, give her lots of praise when she is successful.

We don't have to give rewards anymore now that she's enjoying her own success, but in the beginning we gave her one sticker for a sticker chart every time she tried, but if she went #1 she got two stickers. If she went #2 she got a special prize I kept in a paper sack so she couldn't see what it was. (Small plastic dinosaurs worked for us.) The suspense was enough to give her a little extra motivation.

If she resists going when the timer goes off, which sometimes happens, I just sit with her in my lap and tell her, "It's okay, just tell me when you're ready." It usually only takes a minute or two, then she cheerfully says, "I'm ready." It really is about the power with her, letting her feel like she's in charge.

We're making progress with these techniques, and hope they'll help you, too! Good luck.

She is old enough to have the vocabulary and physical control which is necessary, but now for the motivation. With our first child we tried the usual with successive approximation that ended up hit or miss and was laborious, but with our second we really did train in one day. The trick: wait until at least 3-3.5 years of age. Talk talk talk all the time about how someday they won't need to wear a BABY diaper, and that they will use the potty chair, etc. When you are nearly ready to try this method, choose a specific weekend day when nothing else is planned, and for about two weeks prior announce that on day X (show on calendar at each time you mention this and show how it is getting closer in time), your child will be free of diapers. On the appointed day, announce today is the day for the end of diapers, and dress her in only a t-shirt, place a small pottychair in a safe, solid place in a room with preferably tile or easy to clean flooring, and announce that today is the BIG DAY (again) and that anytime she needs to go to the bathrom, she should just go over to her pottychair. (be sure she knows the chair, likes it and undersatnd its use). Proceed to feed her breakfast and constant amounts of liquids. Go about some small normal activities and be watchful for signs of distress. Casually mention the potty chair if it seems needed, but do not instruct or suggest. Eventually she will need to go and you will see if she heads for the chair. If she has a minor mistake in not heading there in enough time, but getting there a little late, continue the trial and quickly clean up, and perhaps make small mention of running faster next time. Add praise. If on the second time she does not move more quickly or worse, just stands there urinating, she is, for whatever reason, not ready. Stop the trial, clean up and announce that you will try again in two weeks. Same idea with preamble beforehand, but absolutely only diapers in between. It will work, I promise! Several friends used the technique after I raved of our success and had their one-day training completed in no time. We had boys and that is even tougher....your daughter will do fine. The work is all in the preparation which leads up to the actual trial. A failed trial simply means waiting a little longer to try again, but wasting no time on methods in between. Good luck!

We had a more than one child who was resistant to potty training and didn't care if he/she was wet or dirty (in our case, it was 3 out of 4 kids, one a girl). All three times, my husband had to get involved. He sat down with the definitely-old-enough-to-have-this-conversation child, and looked her (or him) straight in the eye, and in his masculine, authoritative, yet loving voice told her that it was time for her to use the toilet every day, and keep the pants clean. There would be no more diapers. She WAS going to cooperate, or she would receive punishments from dad. I don't know what kind of discipline you all use, but if you have one that is particularly effective when dad is in charge of it, then I'd recommend that. (Buy plastic pants to catch it for your sake, but be consistent.)
(You said "We" in your note, so I'm talking under the assumption there's a man in the house. If not, never mind that one.)
I panicked the first time we sat down with my oldest son and told him in no-uncertain terms that we refused to put up with his disobedience any longer (because disobedience is what it is at this point), and Dad was taking over. I had always heard, "Keep it positive," and this was more of a negative consequence by having Dad actually discipline him, not just encourage him to try. But you know, it worked -- instantly for the older boy. He was potty trained even at night after that talk. Never even got his punishment! Our daughter was disciplined one time, and she "chose" to remain potty-trained during the day. (Night took longer, but that can be a different process for a lot of kids.)
The second boy took longer than any of them, and he was disciplined many times. Just as clarification, we disciplined them for refusing to cooperate with what we KNOW they can do, not forcing the end goal if they hadn't made any progress toward it yet. Anyway, my youngest son is 5 now, and he is by far the strongest-willed, most resistent to anything requiring work on his part (lazy, but wants to say that?) child we have. He resists everything from learning to wipe himself now to helping me take hold the edge of his blanket so that together we can straighten it on the bed (I dont even come close to demanding perfection, but he doesn't even want to hold one corner or even touch it. So odd.) to carrying his own toys in from the van. He just wants to stay a baby, wants Mom to do everything for him. Dad has to be involved in his life a LOT, because he doesn't seem to care if mom disciplines him. BUT, he was successfully potty-trained! With consistency, what we do keep teaching him together he does eventually learn to cooperate with.
The rewards that you KNOW your child can not resist as incentives, like the ones the other mom suggested, those are nice, too, as a balancing factor. I try not to bribe too much, but in some areas, incentives aren't "bribing" if established ahead of time. For my youngest son, I told him that if he filled up the chart with stickers, he would get a Buzz Lightyear. He's impatient, so he cried everyday that THAT wasn't the day (thought he should go to the store the minute he pooed), but he needs to learn patience and delayed gratification, too, (rather than what many adults do and want what they want NOW reqardless of the wisdom or consequences) for his own character development, so we were killing two bird with one stone.
Seriously talk about it with your husband or whoever also takes care of her so you have a game plan you agree on, pray about it, if you're a praying person, keep seeking advice, and then pick a plan and be CONSISTENT. Yes, she may buck and whine and drive you crazy if that's her personality, but stay calm and patient and it will pay off. By all means, never let her know you're frazzled! I wish you the best!

Usually children prefer to be dry, so I wonder if your daughter is wanting to stay the "baby"? I would take her out of diapers and put her in underwear. She is old enough to reason with, so try talking to her. Don't ASK, but tell her that she is a big girl now and Must go to the potty. When I start potty training (my kids and my daycare) I take the children every thirty minutes to the bathroom. I do not make this an option, we ARE going to go to the bathroom. I had one little boy who was potty trained by his mom in one week at two years old because she did the "potty dance". Now I use that with the kids. You just jump around, dancing, and being silly which kids love. Make up a chant to do together. After a while, the kids can go every hour to hour and a half. I had one week that the kids had me in the bathroom every ten minutes just to see me being silly. I finally had to say enough. We only go to the bathroom at our scheduled time since they are all trained. It can be a lot of fun, but it can also be trying. Sounds like she is just being stubborn. I would try to find something she likes as a reward for staying dry for one whole day. Good luck

Hi! My name is J. and I shared your experiences with potty training my son. We literally tried EVERYTHING! I read somewhere about a new idea so I decided that I would try it. Here's how it worked:
I bought a baby doll (my husband nearly had a stroke!)that pees and my son had to teach the doll how to use the potty. He was 3 at the time so he had a firm grasp on the HOW, he just chose not to use the potty. We made him reward the doll with tootsie rolls when she used the potty. He had to give the doll his tootsie rolls and he did not get any unless he used the potty. Well, he did not like having to give the doll his tootsie rolls so he quickly decided that he better use the potty like he was supposed to or the doll was going to "eat" all his candy. He honestly started using the potty in 45 minutes and he continued to do it from then on. Since then I have loaned the doll to several friends and they have all been successful with it. You can buy one of the dolls at Kmart for about $10. Good luck and let us know how it turns out! Oh and by the way, the doll used the training potty because she could sit on it without my son having to hold her on the big potty.

I don't have any great advice, just encouragement. My two older daughters, both bright and otherwise relatively easy, were really late potty trainers. I thought they would never get trained. My husband just said, "Fine. If you're still doing that while you're in high school, we won't have to worry about boys." They did finally get trained (although both my 4 and 5 1/2 year olds still have occasional accidents); going to school where they had to wear underpants was a big incentive. We'll see what happens when my littlest one is ready. Good luck and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it!

My son is almost 5 and we had a terrible set back with potty training when dad came home from overseas. I reused what I did in the begining. My son loves those little matchbox cars and has tons of them. I put a basket of them on the back of the toilet and when he went(for real) he was allowed to choose a car. He loved getting new cars(they were of his own stash)He has been getting better but we still have to remind him from time to time.

My son was the same way-with pee anyway. It just didn't bother him that he was wet all the time. I had to start setting a timer and just putting him on the toilet when it went off. He would argue with me if I told him to go, but he never argued with the timer. We started out at every 30 min and worked up to an hour. Once he started getting rewards again, he got more interested- his sucess spurred him to try more.
Maybe you need a stronger reward for a while, until she starts to make progress and feels better about her own ability. You could offer a small prize, candy, special show, special activity (choose dinner, special playtime with you, choose a game to play together...) for when she completes a step in the process (pees in the toilet, poops in the toilet, stays dry a whole day, stays dry for a whole week,...). We often feel uncomfortable with rewards, but sometimes they are necessary until the child's own feelings of success become their own reward.
The biggest thing I learned from my experience with my son is that potty training just takes some kids a while. My son still has accidents often and wears diapers at night. He just doesn't have the best control over his bladder.
You might want to talk to your pediatrician too, to rule out a physical problem. A friend of mine has a daughter who has problems with her kidneys. She kept having accidents all the time-even at 6- and my friend was at her wits end. Finally the doctor diagnosed her kidney problem. She's had surgery to help and is doing much better.
I hope things take a better turn for you!!! Good Luck!!!

I had a hard time with mine too. He was finally ready after many many starts and backsliding. Some kids are as late as six years. If it is a battle, give it up and reintroduce it in a couple of months. Don't worry, she won't be 18 years old in diapers.

My daughter was the same way, at well over 3. We put her in underwear and at the advice of our preschool director, restricted her to the kitchen (hardwood floors) until she was willing to go potty. Within 10 minutes I was amazed that boredom won out and she was willing to go. We found good luck with tastykakes that she picked out at "potty presents" as we had also tried just about everything else. After trying for over a year, the process took only 2 days for daytime training. You could also find something she likes, like swimming or maybe next year in preschool and say she can't go if she isn't trained (a lot of schools won't take them in the 4 yo class if they aren't). Good luck. Stand strong and it probably won't take too long.

Rent or buy Once Upon a Potty DVD. there is also a book. I have used the DVD to potty train 5 kids. I put it on and bring the little potty to the living room and they sit on it while they watch. Then when they go potty I use potty candy(m&m's or skittles) 1 for #1 and 2 for #2

Don't worry too much. She really won't need diapers for high school.

I know you've tried a lot, and it isn't easy. I just have a couple possibilities to think about. For my oldest, I had separate stickers -- one for trying, one for success, and one for flushing -- she had three sticker potty experiences.

For my other children, I used a potty song as the reward. I had one song for sitting on the potty (sung to the tune of the ants go marching two by two ... ----- sitting on the potty hurrah, hurrah) and another for success (Sung to hail to the Redskins -- Yea for ----- Yea big girl yea, pp in the potty! you're a big girl today!) The song never got lost or had to be bought or had to be remembered when out. It was also adorable when the child started singing it to herself!

For all my children, I tried to keep them on the potty (until success) by entertaining them. We often read stories -- one liked a Little Critter Potty book, but usually anything I thought they might like. I even brought in a little table for drawing or playing with cars.

One of my children -- the one that trained the latest -- didn't care about undies or diapers, but he did use the potty when left bare.

All children got to pick out special undies when they had used the potty exclusively for a week.

I also tend to suggest the child to sit on the potty just after I used one. I never insist though. You really can't make another human being go when you want them to.

I have had this problem too. My daughter, now 6, regressed and didn't want to get out of diapers when we had the next baby. However, I didn't give her a choice. I felt that switching back and forth would just confuse her. So, on with the panties and that was it. At night though we did use a pull up - I wanted my sleep! Whenever she had an accident, I made her clean it up! That was important to me. She made the mess and she should have to clean it up...just like her toys. After about a day of accident after accident, she got tired of cleaning it up and went herself. I also used a watch (Ironman, got it at Walmart) that had a timer that would reset itself and go off every 2 hours and I would send her to go even if she told me she didn't have to. It regulated her and then she didn't have the accidents anymore either. Hope this helps. Good luck.

My daughter is 2 1/2 years old. She was doing really well with the potty training until I started babysitting my niece who is 9 months old. She started having more and more accidents until she was completely back in pull-ups. She didn't even want to put them on like underwear anymore either...she wanted to lie down and have me change her like a diaper. I know it's because of having the baby around. Chances are that's what's going on with your little girl too....having a 10month old sibling is a lot of competition and most children revert back to behaving like a baby again. I do the sticker thing and buy the frilly pretty panties to try and entice her into being a "big girl" and she is slowly coming around. I also have become accustomed to her schedule of when she goes, so I try and get her on the potty as much as possible. I would also try making sure you spend some one on one time with her away from the baby and tell her it's big girl time...and big girls wear panties and go potty on the big girl potty. Try tea parties, or going to the store together to pick out panties. And once she actually goes on the potty...REJOICE!! I mean sing songs and dance and give her so much praise for being a BIG GIRL. Most little girls mimic their moms, so make her your little side kick....and let her be your helper in taking care of the baby...like only a big girl can. I also have her little potty in my bathroom so when I go she goes. I know potty training can be tough...(this is my third child, 1st girl) but hang in there....it'll happen just be patient. Good luck!

You could try the "Potty Training in One Day" method. I think the library has a copy if you want to check it out. It's rather intense and not everybody agrees with the method, but I used it with my son and it worked. He was over 3 and had no interest either. I just had to keep telling myself to keep a happy face and not show my frustration to him, even after the 12th wet underwear in one day. It's worth a shot.

Hi D.,

My now 9 year old had a problem with pooping in the potty as well. He would pee, but was scared to poop. So we bought him pull ups and whenever he needed to go, he would put a pull up on, and when he was done we'd clean him up and he'd put his underwear back on. I'm not sure how long we did this for, but I believe it was only for a couple of months before he decided it was a pain to go through all that hassle when he could just go do it on the potty.

Hi, D..

How frustrated you must be! I'm so sorry that potty training isn't moving along the way you'd like. Let's take a wider view for a second: She'll be potty-trained by the time she's in college! Whew! :-)

But for now, I'd just encourage her to keep trying the potty, but not push it. You don't want it to become a power play problem or one where she just holds it and holds it and gets all backed up. She WILL get it sooner or later, *especially* when she goes to school and hangs out with all the other kids who use the potty. She will not be able to learn fast enough for herself! Maybe until then, you can hang out with kids who do use the potty. Let them lead by example. Does she join you when you go? My 2-yo tries to go after she's in the bathroom with me. No success yet, but it's a step.

Good luck!

My daughter is 16 months and not quite ready for potty training so the advice is what my parents told me they did not my personal experience. They said they used cloth diapers. Tdiapers now-a-days wick away most of the moisture from the skin to try to prevent diaper rash. With cloth diapers it is WAY more obvious to the child that there is something wet that is irritating them. So if there was an accident the child was the one who cleaned it (they had four kids). My mom told me that one time was all it took for my oldest brother to be potty trained. My other brother apparently would wait until the diaper was put back on (after waiting on the potty for a while) to promptly go to the bathroom. He was spanked and again...presto...potty trained. Of course that second method may or may not sit well with you...especially if you dont approve of spanking. I hope this helps and good luck!

My daughter (now 6) was very strong willed, too. What finally worked was constantly having her around other children that were going to the potty - and with moms that were ok with leaving teh door open so my child could see it. I kept telling her that she couldn't go to preschool with her friends until she used the potty. She finally got on board because she wasn't able to go play with her friends one day because she was in diapers. She had to decide that she wanted to do it and it was because she wanted something. Interestingly, it had nothing to do with me. Looks like I'm in for some interesting teenage years!

Hi D.,

My best advice is to just relax and let her be the judge of when she is ready for potty training. My oldest did the same thing with me, but then one day he decided that he was ready to be a big boy. It seemed like overnight he potty trained himself. That did not happen until he was a week from turing 4, so don't stress. Each child is different.

I've just started getting serious about potty training my 3 year old. So far, the two things that are working for us is not switching back to diapers because I'm sick of accidents and letting him choose his reward. He loves chocolate and cheetos. If he successfully pees in the potty, empties it, puts his underwear back on and washes his hands he gets a choice. I give him either two pieces of candy or a small snack bag with a couple of cheetos in it.

Hi D., have u ever tried a penalty for her NOT using the potty-- let's say... you guys do something or started to do something very fun together in the evenings.. tickle time or whatever... well if she got an underwear check right before "tickle time" and she was wet...-- no tickle time for her... and just your 10 month old will receive tickle time.. right in front of her.. Oh she'll hate it!! At the same time.. A reward system right in the bathroom like a "potty board" where she gets a sticker when she SHOWS you that she has gone to the bathroom... when the water is yellow-- then u go crazy and put a sticker on her potty board or let her do it. Let her pick which sticker and put it on the board herself... She is a big girl... obviously she has no real reason that motivates her to care if she pees on herself. jealousy is a great motivator.. and if you fear that she'll take it out on the baby, let the baby be included in the reward... make the baby a part of it.. like.. hey "baby so and so" look at what big sister did!! wow, and let the baby hug her and all that.. and just really make a fuss. Good Luck!!! Something will definitely work!! I hope this will-- I've never tried it with my four-- but it seems like a good idea.. :) Let me know... L.

Hi D. B,

When I read your story, I felt like I had just told mine. I had the same exact and I mean exact experience with my daughter. We did and said the same things, but nothing seemed to work. Let me tell you now that I listened and looked for so much advice, but nothing seemed to work at the time. But, let me tell you I never thought she would be potty trained, but I am here to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel. If I hadn't lived it I wouldn't have believed it, but it finally happened. We were looking to put her in a preschool for two days a week and she needed to be potty trained. Luckily her preschool has great leaders and teachers and they would allow her to wear a pullup if needed and work with her if there was a problem. Well, I tell you that about two months before, she just decided to wear underwear one day. I jumped on that so fast and even though she had many pee accidents those months, I never went back to pullups and she has never had an accident at school. She turned 4 in February, so we are daytime potty trained, with a few accidents still. We still use pullups at night though. My pediatrician said they don't start to worry about kids during the night until they are 6 years old. She told me just to let it go until she is ready and that's what we are doing. The thing that's not great is the pullups are starting to get too small and the overnights are so bulky that she doesn't want to wear them. Our window is getting smaller, but I tried the overnight potty training and it didn't go so well yet. We are waiting just like we did with the daytime. Good luck and I know it seems like forever, but just expect accidents even when she is in underwear everyday. I think with girls it's just really hard to get used to stopping the muscle once you start peeing. Luckily, my daughter has been really good with pooping and that is definitely a plus.
W. D.