I wish you could look up topics and gleen info from previous posts because this kind of question has been asked a million times. It is one of the most time consuming frustrating things to teach our children for sure.
now this might sound somewhat callous and I'm sorry, but I've trained four kids thus far and I don't give them an option.
No pull-ups...they are glorified diapers, which you have discovered already. It took me about a week with my oldest to give them to the church to use.
You know she understands what to do so make her do it. Get some carpet cleaner, an extra potty chair to keep nearby wherever she is (I would do the boy at the same time...why go through all the aggravation and time to do it all over again????)
Make her wear big girl panties...maybe let her pick some out. Tell her she is not allowed to make a mess in her panties. Talk about the "Big Girl Panties" like they are super special.
If she has an accident make her help you clean it up and tell her that big girls don't mess up their panties.
If she insists on messing in them, then I would punish her. She's not going to be traumatized. She's not going to end up a serial killer. She might try to hold it, but you can do things to out-wit that one too.
My brother got his little tail tore up for pooping in his pants after the second or third time because he didn't want to stop playing to go in the house and go potty. Well mom understood why he did it..and she knew it was normal behavior, but that didn't excuse him. He knew he shouldn't do that. So after the first time she told him that he was not allowed to have anymore accidents. When he did it again, she spanked his little tail. He never did it again.
You know he graduated high school at the top of his class. He graduated from college a double major in Computer Science and Math with a GPA of 3.8. And he goes potty everyday with no issues. I'm amazed that he didn't suffer psychological problems. But it worked and he stopped messing in his pants.
My oldest tried the same thing. She did great in the house, but we went outside and she just didn't want to stop playing no matter what I told her. I could assure her that we would come back outside, but she would tell me she didn't need to go and then the next minute she was having an accident.
The first time or two I was patient. I told her everyone has an accident, but next time I asked her if she needed to go she better tell me the truth and go in the house or she would get punished. She tried it once. I made her clean herself up, I spanked her tail and she didn't get to go back outside...and I made sure that she understood that she wasn't going back outside because she messed in her panties.
She never did it again. She's a very bright, loving, child. She has no problem going potty each morning by herself. It's amazing.
If the little guy doesn't know what to do yet, I recommend spending the day in the bathroom naked. Let him whiz on the floor once or twice (now try to get him on the potty chair quickly)...but he'll figure out that's what you are talking about.
You will need to watch them like a hawk to train them to poopy on the potty, but when you see them hiding or straining...get them to the toilet. It's very time consuming...you will need to watch them and pretty much put your house on hold. You will need to remind them about every 15 minutes. but they will get it.