My 3 yr old son has always been a great sleeper. He goes to sleep on his own in his bed and sleeps through the night. Recently he has started waking in the middle of the night 1 - 2 times and coming in our room and telling us he just wants to lay with us and doesn't want to be alone. I am not convinced he is scared of anything, i think he just wants some lovin. We do not let him in our bed because we don't believe in having the kids in our bed, so we gently take him back to his room, offer him the bathroom and either lay with him for a minute or sit next to his bed and rub him. Sometimes one time works others he comes in one more time. Does any one have any other suggestions on how we can get him to stay in his own bed. I feel bad if he is lonely, but I can't keep getting up every night . He works well with sticker chart, we were thinking about doing that?
I would like to thank most of you for your helpful responses. I think we are going to try setting up camp on the ground. We are building a house and are going to have trundles in their new room so he can sleep in with his sister if he is lonely. We haven't had a chance to test it out yet. Another piece of info I didn't give was that I am a light sleeper, have severe headaches and need my sleep and my son is a kicker in his sleep. Sleeping together is not an option that is why I was looking for advice not peoples personal opinions on co sleeping. As far as the negative, unasked for opinions here are my responses. Jill S- my husband and I get to sleep together because we are adults and married and have a bed big enough for the 2 of us and we are the parents and we say so. Telling someone they are selfish when they are asking for help is a smack in the face. Meryl Ann B- giving the example of prehistoric times was a joke. There are a lot of things that we did in prehistoric times.....and they are in the past...and we have evolved. Last time I checked, there were not any sabretooth tigers out side of his room waiting to pounce on him when I turn out the lights. Regardless of the useful, thoughtful responses
igot, I probably will never use this site again because of the callous, judgemental responses I got from some backwards, co sleeping jerks. I can't understand why someone would try to make another parent feel bad about their decisions when they are asking for help.
N.-
I am so sorry that you got some response yous got. That is awful when you are only asking for support. Do what is best and don't ever think that someone elses way is better, it just works for them. If you get any great advice, I would love to hear,as I have a three year old in the same boat that has been sleeping in his OWN bed since 4 months old. Good luck!
Hi N.,
Have you tried putting a gate at the front of his bedroom door? See how he does with it for a couple of weeks and as time goes on, start unlatching the gate before you go to bed while he is sleeping and see if he continues to stay in bed through the night. It might be worth trying. Good luck!
-Char
Hi N.!
Good luck with this. First, keep in mind that kids outgrow every stage, as mentioned by some others. It always seems like it will never end, when you are in the middle of it! But it always does.
I ‘d sure be careful about the advice to swat a kid while telling them you love them, and while taking them from the place they feel is safe, back to the place they feel isn’t safe. Wow, what a bunch of mixed messages – that kid is learning that love hurts, and abandonment is what you get when you honestly ask for comfort. Those kinds of early perceptions tend to color later ideas about love and relationships, and can haunt people throughout adulthood.
Just because a kid follows orders and doesn’t come back into the parent’s room at night when told not to, or threatened with a “swat”, doesn’t mean they are "over it." It can often simply mean that they are just getting better at stuffing their feelings. What happens to a little boy who gets good at this, and “behaves”? He grows up, gets married, and then his wife says, “why are you so disconnected with your feelings?” Well, he learned it a long time ago - so long ago that he doesn't even remember what it was like to really be in touch with his feelings.
Raising well-adjusted kids just takes the ability to put ourselves in their shoes. And they are hardly able to “manipulate” at that age. They don’t learn that until we teach it to them.
Plenty of people choose not to include their kids in their bed, and that is certainly understandable, but it is not natural. So kids who want to be in their parents room at night are just responding to their instinct – in prehistoric times, staying close to parents while sleeping could mean the difference between life and death for a child. And just because a society changes its ideas about that, doesn’t change the deep seated instinct.
However, here is a practical solution. Blue light is calming and comforting, and helps promote restful sleep. Try putting a blue lightbulb in the nightlight in your son's bedroom, it works wonders. (Or cover a dim lamp with blue cellophane, or blue theater gels.)
(I'm mom of 8 grown kids, and a bunch o' grand younguns)
A 3 yr old is not trying to "manipulate a situation." All your son is doing is beautifully and calmly expressing his needs (don't you sometimes get scared or lonely in your bed when your husband isn't around?) for nighttime closeness & comfort. Lots of young children and parents have this same exact issue.
The way we handled it.... my children slept in our bed till son was 2 (then DH kicked him out) and 1 (till I put my daughter on a mattress on the floor next to her brother). Whenever they woke up, I went back to their room, and lay next to them and stayed there. My son would wake up hysterical every night screaming at 2am. I didn't want to get up and down all night like a yo-yo, so I stayed. DH & I had plenty of private time before 1am.
My daughter (now 4) pretty much slept through the night (unlike her bro) from a young get. I breastfed both to sleep usually (past age 1) and crept away when they conked out. (I still lie with my daughter till she sleeps. My son is 8 now and stopped asking for it when he was about 5-6.)
My daughter wakes up around 6am, quietly walks to our room, knocks on the door and I quietly get up, no arguing or pleading, take her hand, walk her back and cuddle back in bed and we both conk out. (DH cannot sleep with the kids in our bed and I have come to LOVE the extra room without kids. But... they still need "nighttime parenting.")
I love that I can help her feel loved and safe. (By me going back to her room, I'm helping her associate warm, safe feelings with HER room.) This stage will not last forever. There is some theory proposed by co-sleeping proponents that perhaps part of the reason teens are so desperate for premarital sex is that they want human/physical connection -what they didn't get in baby & toddlerhood.
Hi N.: I believe you recieved some pretty good responses. I tend to think the way SH does. This is typical behavior.Kids imaginations at this age,are wild,and they dream up all sorts of things in those lil heads. I'm sorry,but while I can appreciate your son is probably bright for his age,I seriously doubt hes brillant enough to be concentrating on manipulating his parents.I do not believe its benificial to you or him to distribute any form of punishment for being forth right and letting you know he wants to be close to you.If we all did that,we'd produce a generation of individuals that were afraid to be open and honest with their feelings.Imagine each time you attemped to express yourself,there were consequences.You'd learn to hold those feelings in,and keep your mouth shut. Just an opinion. I wish you and your darlin son the best.
my friend's son was doing that so they got him a little dog who is a big snuggler..and their son is sleeping with him...i used to do that..eek! for years ...back in the day when parents slept in twin beds..lol! and i would sleep on the floor in the middle..i remember just being scared and wanting to be near them.
I say, just be consistent with whatever you choose to do. If your goal is to let him know he is not sleeping in your bed, then make sure you don't give in on occasion to make your night a little easier. He may be going through something and is just looking for more attention, so I would make your efforts to put him back in bed very boring and dull for him. I would talk as little as possible and bring him to his room and say good night. If it goes on for a few times in one night, be consistent... don't break into a full conversation with him in the middle of the night or try to get him to reason with you. I would just keep walking him back to his room and say as little as possible to him. He'll get bored and he won't get your added attention so he'll stop.
If you feel like he is going through something, try to spend some one on one time with him during the day doing a planned activity. Ask him questions about the things he is doing (like school, play group, whatever and listen intently without interrupting him) He will either tell you something to help give you an understanding of what is going on- or he will just be getting that one on one attention he is looking for at night time. If he gets it in the day more, you'll find that soon...he won't look for it at night.
I read some of your other responses (and your response to some of them), and all I want to say is this is YOUR family and YOUR plan and what works for YOU and YOUR husband and child is all that matters. Do not be dismayed by people who have different ways- they are entitled to their lifestyles, but certainly should not come off like their way is better. Choosing to NOT sleep with your child is not a reflection of your love for him. You are an adult and you are the one who has to set the rules of your house- not your children. In my opinion, when a child is born, he is a welcome member of the family, NOT the center of the family. If you want to maintain a healthy lifestyle with your husband as partners in parenting, you have to make decisions you both feel good about. If it felt good to you to co-sleep, then I would say, all the power to you! BUT that doesn't mean I would say the opposite is wrong- Your chlid will be happiest in a home that is consistent and that is comfortable for everyone in it. Do not feel like the comments from others should make you feel like less of a mom- Quite honestly, I am ashamed that any mom would set out to make you feel that way. We all have a tough job to do, and we moms should stick together. Don't let it get to you- just go with what feels best to you!
that's my thought anyway!
Good luck
k
My 5 year old son has had this same problem since he was about 3 years old. We used to live in an apt where his bedroom was on the opposite side of the home, so I could understand why he felt so alone in there. He would say things like, "it's not fair that Mommy and Daddy gets to sleep together"...
What we did was use a sticker chart, and he does very well with it. He would get two stickers for sleeping in his room all night and going to the bathroom by himself without waking us up. And he'd get one sticker for waking us up and tucking him back in. He would get zero stickers if he ended up in our room and camping out on the floor.
Now we have moved into a house where his bedroom is right across from ours, so I think he's more comfortable with being closer to us and he has no trouble at all sleeping in his own room. Hope this helps. :)
tell him he is welcome to come into your room without disturbing you. If he wants to get a little indoor sleeping bag and bring his pillow in , he can sleep on the floor next to you. But don't make it too comfy--no futons or anything. That way he'll feel your presence, you still have your independence, and sleep.
Our son is almost 4 and has done this since he was out of his crib. It is a pain! I would try the sticker thing, like you suggested. Lately ours has been staying in bed because we say "no Guitar Hero (video game) tomorrow if you come in our room." and it has worked.
Good luck!
I have a 3 year old daughter that was doing the same thing and I'm curious what others might suggest. Although, what ended up working for us was a compromise. Like you, we didn't believe in her crawling in bed with us at night but we told her that it was acceptable for her to crawl in bed with us in the morning when she wakes up. Some mornings it's a little earlier than I appreciate, but she just quietly snuggles, and I was going to get up anyway, so it's working for us.
You have to keep putting him back to bed. That is a bad habbit to start. I know a little girl who she has slet with her mom and not in her own bed. And her dad is remarried and she feels she should sleep with them. You don't want them to get in the habit of crawling in bed with you. Make him sleep in his own bed. Give him something to sleep with a teddy bear or something. Maybe it will make him feel more secure.
My kids did that and we also don't let them in our bed. Every so often I let them sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor next to our bed. It lets them feel close to us, but be careful... it almost became a habit with my 6 year old before I shut it down. That could be his reward if he stays in his bed all week. Good luck!
All three of my kids, at one point or another wandered into our room. I would tell them that it was okay as long as they didn't get in our bed. We would leave blankets for them to use for the floor. After awhile, they got tired of sleeping on our floor and stayed in their own beds. It may seem like forever while this is going on, but when I look back, it wasn't for that long. Good luck!
Not to advocate buying unnecessary products, but one thing you might do is get a bed tent: a tent that covers the bed. They make them in all kinds of fun or basic shapes: just normal tents but also treehouses, firetrucks, etc. This might help in two ways: (1) he might be waking up in a big dark room and getting scared; the coziness of the tent will feel more secure. (2) it creates a positive association with his bed--my bed is fun! think I'll stay there all night!
You can also give him a little flashlight for when he wakes up in the middle of the night--I remember when I was a kid I loved being able to turn a little light on. Get one that turns off automatically after a few minutes, though--otherwise you will be buying batteries and more batteries forever!
Good luck. Hope that helps.
Just keep comforting him the way you are doing. Yes, it's tiring...but he's just a child, It's tiring for them too. But they go through phases... and this is normal. I don't know of any child that did not do this.
Main thing is don't punish or humiliate him for it.... not saying you do, but I know some do. It may be repetitious for you to keep taking him back to his room...but just keep on. It will pass.
Perhaps, try giving him his own flashlight... to have in bed, or some stuffed animals. My kids love this and this is what we do. It works for them.
If anything, with our girl who goes through this at times (and she's 5 now almost 6 yrs. old), she'll just sometimes pass out on the floor next to our room. She just wants to be close to us... and she is going through a phase of being afraid of the 'scary things" at night. Or we let her sleep in our room, and we make a place for her on the floor next to us, and have an extra futon bed on the floor in our room. It's okay.
If anything, your son is 3 yrs. old... just TALK to him and ask him "why" he gets up. Talk with him and show him his feelings are "valid" but you'd like for him to sleep in his room etc. Sometimes kids don't really have an answer as to why they do this, and that's okay too. Main thing is, they are not feeling bad about it.
It's a phase... and many more like this will occur too. So find a way to make due in the meantime. And yes, try the sticker chart since he seems to like that. Any positive reinforcement is fine... as long as it works. :)
All the best,
Susan
My parents were very strict about no kids in their bed. I only remember 2 times tops that my mom allowed it. When I awoke in the night I learned to think twice if I should wake my mom or not because she was very harsh with me when I did. So I only did it when I was pretty desparate. I don't know that I'm suggesting you be harsh, but then again, there is some wisdom from my parent's generation. I don't think they spent too much time worrying about kids in the bed- they nipped it in the bud.
I personally have not decided how we are going to deal with this issue when it arrises.
Hi N.,
I went through this with my daughter. For the record, I think you're doing the right thing. It's a phase, and this too shall pass. I know it's frustrating and you're probably tired of having your sleep interupted so often, but hang in there. My daughter is now 6..She still comes in once every couple of weeks or so. Our response is still the same. We take her back to her room and put her back to bed. Sometimes I'll stay with her for a minute, too. Good luck.
try getting a new stuffed toy to cuddle with or let him know it is ok for him to call to you at night, if your bedrooms are close, just to hear your voice but he is to not get out of bed. Just hearing your voice and knowing you're close may just be comforting enough
Dear N.,
Could you find him large cloth 'companion'. My son had a teddy bear that was bigger than the usual bear...he called him Ted and they had lots of good times together, including play fighting. Just be sure you can wash the new Ted because our Ted had to be banished to the back yard he became so dirty and those were the days that they didn't fill the bears with washable insides.
Also, how about a small night light ...of his choice from the store and be sure to have him help pickout his Ted. C. N.
My husband and I ran into the same problem and share your feelings re: children in our bed. We bought child proof door knob covers and put one on the inside of his bedroom door. He can't get in your bed if he can't get out of his room... Hope this helps.
I had this very same problem with my DD not too long ago. (If you click on my name, you'll find the link to the question and advice I got.) One piece of advice I got included putting a pillow on the floor next to my bed so if she came in, she could go to sleep on the floor, not in our bed. Well it worked for a few nights but she talks in her sleep, sometimes pretty loudly. So we went back to just taking her back to her room. Sometimes I would stay with her until she fell asleep. Kids just have big and wonderful imaginations and lying in bed, in the dark can seem pretty scary. It may just take some time before your son is completely comfortable being alone. Be patient. There will come a day when he doesn't want you to come in his room at all.
Good luck.
M.
This is a test. Just keep doing what you are doing, and he'll see that you mean business!! Be strong!!!
