Help with My 3 Yr Old - Shawnee,KS

I have been here done this! I wrote in about six months ago asking for help with the same thing. I'd love to talk with you. My name is S. and you can email me directly at ____@____.com. I love to talk in person rather than through emails.
But, to at least add to some help, mine is making it through it, and he's almost ....6. It has been a rough road, but between trying to find the causes of why he starts to act the way he does AND implementing real solutions that have worked, b/c I'm sure you've come to find out time-out becomes useless, we are finally at a place where things are settling down and I'm getting my son back and the alien is being returned to Mars. One thing I found out was that there are certain times in boys lives when testosterone is released in large amounts, not just the regular daily portions, and when this happens it truly affects how they behave. When I read this, and all that came with it, I could agree with the concept, but I think the ages depend on each individual child and it lasts longer than a year or so.
Another important factor for me anyways, was the time/devotion I was giving him. I think boys at this age need more attention than girls. Even though we show them we love them, as a society we tend to shrug off things b/c they are 'rough and can handle it' vs 'oh sweetie, come here let me give you a hug for falling down' like we do almost everytime with girls. I have an older girl and it took almost a bat to the head to make me see that I was doing this. Once I noticed it in myself, it's amazing how much I see it in my friend's and just 'out there' in general with how boys are treated vs girls at young ages.
Then there's the solution part. I was yelling, crying, even came to screaming a few times and I was going crazy with 'What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me that I just don't have the patience with him anymore? What's going on?' Here's a tidbit to take to heart, a young child will behave the way they do b/c of a need, not because they are trying to get their way. They aren't capable at this age of 'manipulation' like the older kids of 8/older or so. When they are sad, they've gotten hurt. When they are mad, something has happened that has made them that way. When they are happy, they act it. I promise you, find the REAL problems and you can find REAL solutions that will work/help.
As for solutions, I came up with a token system, and then my mom says 'oh you saw Super Nanny'. I didn't even know Super Nanny had one, but it works for us and we've been using it for about three months now and we're doing A LOT better. It rewards for good behavior, disciplines for bad, brings out a lot of intrinsic behavior and allows him to get an understanding of when you are good you get good things, when you are bad, there are consequences. At the end of the week on Sunday night we have wha't called count up and however many tokens are left in his bowl, each one is worth a dollar, so he's also been learning to 'save' as if he doesn't use it it keeps adding up week after week. Now whenver I say do you 'want to lose a token' more so than not that he will stop what he's doing b/c he's come to know when mommy says that it means he's doing something he's not suppossed to be. It has really worked for us and when my girlfriend/moms see it in action they love it and are trying too.
Well, I 've got to get going for now, but as I said, I'd love to talk with you in person. We could switch phone#'s if you'd like, just send me an email and lmk. I am a married Christian mom who lives in Tulsa, OK and have two children boy 5 and girl 10. My prayers are with you. S. :-)

Hi M.,

I have a 2 year old daughter, and she has just recently begun to have the same behavior as you mentioned about your son. She will whine or cry when she doesn't get her way. Sometimes she acts as though she thinks she's the boss in the house. I get tired of feeling like I am always directing her what to do. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this. We have started to do time-outs with her and it seems to help. I just wish she would listen, so we wouldn't have to punish her. Hope this phase passes soon! My heart goes out to you.

I'm sorry, I don't have advice. We have a three year old that is going through the exact same thing. It's just the age. All you can do is exactly what you're doing, be consistant and don't give him the negative reaction he's wanting. Give him his punishment (sending him to bed or sitting in time out) and when he's done throwing his fit, let him up and speak to him about it. I'm afraid it's just a phase that will not go away until it's run it's course so to speak. I think all three year olds do this. We just have to survive :)

Don't worry it will pass. Kids will be kids and they will test boundries. I have a 9yr old step-son, a 7yr old step-son, a 4yr old daughter, a 2 1/2yr old son, and a son due at any time. They are all at different stages of thier lives and we've been through and are going through different stages. They're are interesting, fun, and trying. Be patient though, he will grow out of it and inter something new that will make you crazy.

Hi M.,
I seen that you said thet you feel like you are yelling all the time.
My mom used to YELL at me for everything, and I mean everything such as not putting the dishes away correctly in the cabinets, not loading the dishwasher correctly ( a bowl in the exact spot where SHE wanted it to go), or if I cleanede my room, whjy I had cleaned my room. And on my end I did what I was supposed to, I got good grades, I did everything I needed. My point is that my mom would yell and pretty soon I could no longer hear when she talked in a normal voice compared to her yelling it was all the same. And now that I have grown up and had kids I was starting the same cycle. One day I realized what was going on, I was doing the same as my mom had done to me. So now when my kids get in to trouble I no longer Yell I simply say stop it or this is the punishment, I have the 3 strikes your out rule strike 1, strike 2, strike 3, your out.
My point is when your son is doing something wrong speak to him in a lower tone of voice a different one from what you normally talk to him in, also when I go somewhere or even in my own home if my kids are touching something they shouldn't I always ask them "did that (onject ) ask you to touch it ? or if they ask me a question and I answer it and they say "BUT WHY" I reply with didn't I just answer your question and they reply yes and I say then what was it and have them repeat it back to me. I have found that if I yell they don't hear me they block me out, but if I change the tone in my voice they pop their head up like uh oh what did I do or what have I done. Kids don't purposely try to get in trouble I don't believe. it's cause and effect and it goes around and around. hope this helps a little. W. mom of 4 P.S. I doesn't stop at 6 yrs old, I have a 15 year old and each year new problems and rules apply, you are constantly TWEAKING THE RULES to fit the age.

I'm sure a lot of it is to get attention even negative attention and the therapist I've been seeing with my 6 year old says that while they do get a pay off with the attention, soon it becomes a habit to wait until your voice goes up, they hear 1, 2, 3, or their middle name in combination with their first and maybe their last. They think uh oh, now she means business. I've been stuck in this rut for 3 years now.

So she started me doing a special time where
*I just copied everything my son was doing, repeating every thing he said that wasn't annoying little noises.
*I described everything he was doing
*I Praised everything he did.
*I'm as entusiastic as possible.

We do this for 5 minutes a day and he just eats it up, but I cannot give commands, ask questions or make negative comments. The hardest part is lowering my voice at the end of statements so that the high word at the end doesn't sound like a question.

Our next step which really works well with my 3 year old who's acting the same way and is not getting "special time" in the same way but is getting all the Praise, reflection, imitation, description and enthusiasm all day long now, is to give direct commands.

Pick up the yellow toy and once he's complied praise him with "thank you for minding me" then give him the 2nd half of the instruction. "Take it to your room" or "give it to me"
If they don't comply then you take them to time out in a grown up chair for 3 minutes and they have to be quiet for 5 seconds. yeah that means you may have to put them back a half a million times but you say stay here until I tell you to get up each time you put them back and walk away. And when the time is up you ask, Are you ready to pick up the yellow block? If they say no they stay in the chair until they are if the say yeah then repeat the instruction when you return to the scene of the instruction. If they don't comply again you start all over with time out.

Here's the key you only do this when you have the time and energy to use it.

You can't use multiple part instructions or vague instructions.

To stop behavior immediately avoid saying "DON'T run" cause then they'll break out in a skip or gallop and tick you off. Use a direct instruction. Walk in the house and lower that last word vocally so they know you mean business the first time.

So you don't have time for time out and you still need the child to put on his shoes, give him a choice, put on your shoes or you don't get such and such while you're out. Avoid things that they won't get to have until much later because they will have forgotten and they will just have a meltdown when reminded of the fact.

I hope this is all clear.

Give it a try. (((you))) you go from the terrible two's to the terrifying threes to the Frustrating fours and fives then before you know it then theres the stop it sixes.

I know exactly what you're going through. I have 2 boys that are 5 and soon to be 4 yr old. I have been going through the same thing. All I can say is be consistant. It's a non-stop struggle in my household. The boys are 14 months apart and they are constantly doing things they're not supposed to, so they spend a lot of their time in time-out. They may cry and whine, but giving in to them is the worse thing that you can do. A lot of the problem may be boredom. I have found out that finding activities for my boys that give them the thrill that boys seem to need is a never-ending chore.