Help with Marriage Issue

He's being a control freak jerk! Tell him to take care of his fricken' teeth or you'll leave the baby with him and go on vacation alone for a month!

I wish I had some advice for you. However, I do have sympthy, as I am in the same boat. Thank you for coming out and saying something, as I was too embarrassed to.

To me it sounds like he is scared to go to the dentist but is afraid to say so. That is probably why he is so defensive and why he refuses to go for so long. Maybe it needs to be dealt with from that angle, which is tricky too, because you will be dealing with the male ego - lol.

You are making everything about you - If you love me then you will do this. Why won't he do it for me? The male ego is very delicate! Like the other posters I think he probably is scared. Giving up sex? If he has that many cavaties, gum problems chances are that his mouth is or will be hurting him.

Did he like the dentist he went to last time? I have seen ads in the phone book for Dentists that treat people with phobias.

Let us know how it goes.

Ew. My ex had that same attitude. Here is one excellent reason, other than the fact that your husband will be having false teeth before long if he doesn't do something soon: You can catch that gum disease & also the cavities from him.

To tell you the truth, I am surprised that you are not the one who suggested withholding sex from him, instead of the other way around.

Make him go to the dentist. Dentist or no sex, that's the choice.

Dear CA, maybe make an appt again with the Dentist and you go too. Tell him you are going to get your teeth cleaned as well. Just be honest with him. Tell him that you want your child to have nice teeth and will be taking the baby to the dentist in a couple of years or so and that he has to go too. Good Luck and I hope he goes back soon. With 7 cavities it must be painful sometimes to eat or anything. Ask him that maybe he will start to change him mind.

It may not be a fear, it may just be laziness. My husband was the same way until I finally figured out his insurance, found a dentist, and scheduled an appointment for him! You may be too far down the path with this one, but for some of the other posters, I'd say try scheduling the appointment yourself (at a time he can make it of course) and remind him to go. See if that solves the issue. It worked for me. My husband just didn't consider it a priority enough to make the effort, but he went once I took away the effort. You and your husband sound like this is now about control though. Sounds to me like he doesn't want to go because he feels like you are forcing it on him, and he's probably somewhat embarrassed about the impact on your intimacy as well. I'd try keeping it light but just asking once more if he'd go if you scheduled an appointment. Maybe you could say you're scheduling something for yourself too...good luck!

While I TOTALLY agree with you I think it has become a power issue between the two of you. That is never good. In other words, because you turned this into, I'm not going to do this until you do that, he has done the same thing to you. Maybe you hurt his feelings, who knows? That ultimatum thing usually backfires. I would take the sex thing out of it and go the health route as other posters have suggested. Give him information about tooth and gum disease etc. but take the personal charge out of it. For you to tell him he is grossing you out (basically)is not helping. (I don't blame you, I just don't think it will work). Unfortunately you can't force him to go to the dentist. And perhaps there is fear etc.

When I met my husband, his teeth were awful too. I always said that he was a wonderful man and that it didn't matter. After dating him for 2 years, I found out that he had never been to the dentist in his whole life (29 years!!) I encouraged him frequently to go. He was really afraid that it was going to hurt when they cleaned his teeth, but it took about a year for him to admit that to me. I explained how his general health was being affected by his teeth (he would get sick more and suffered from cold sores - both of which have improved dramatically now that he goes to the dentist every 6 months - he rarely gets cold sores any more). I scheduled the first appointment for him and went with him. To be honest, it did hurt when they cleaned his teeth the first time and they would only do 1/4 of his mouth at a time. He is very happy that I encouraged him to go and that I kept gently nagging him. He was always embarrased of his smile and never showed his teeth. Now he has a beautiful smile (he always did, just never showed it) and is very proud of his dentist visits (funny, but true, he brags about how little time they have to spend on his teeth now).
Sorry for the rambling message, but I know what you're going through. Just keep on him, find a dentist that is experienced with people who have never been before (he is not the only one out there) and hold his hand through the process. It's in the best interest of the family for him to start going. good luck

I have to admit I have poor oral hygiene. I didn't ever even own a toothbrush growing up, so brushing was not part of my routine. It is next to impossible to remember to do it. I have worked REALLY hard to make it part of my kids' routine but for some reason I just don't have the motivation.

Therefore, since I understand your husband let me give you an idea. MOTIVATE HIM. Put a calendar in the bathroom and tell him to mark when he brushes. Tell him that for each mark you will do a certain bedroom favor or whatever will motivate him. Let him chose. Don't mention when he doesn't but when he does play it up big. REWARD him, for most husbands that means sex or something having to do with sex. I know if my husband said that every time I brushed he would give me a 5 minute massage, I would brush every night saving up my massages for a real good one once a week. I once made a deal to pay myself a dollar a day for brushing. When it's not a habit, it's really hard to change.

Hi
I know...touchy subject to ask advice for. Here's my two cents. I've been a dental hygienist for 6 1/2 years, and in dental field for almost 11. So, I've seen some pretty gross things. Anyways...if your husband does have beginning stages of periodontal disease, it's really important for him to get back into the office and get them cleaned. Chances are is that he's got a lot of tarter buildup deep under the gums that needs to be removed. The active decay in his mouth always has a potential to cause an abcess (infection), which in turn will lead to one of only 2 options: 1)extraction of teeth, or 2)costly root canals and crown work. You have to have a strong foundation in the mouth before you can get the restorative work done. Therefore, all the fillings are going to be pointless unless the tarter (which is just calcified plaque/bacteria) is removed. The cleaning NEEDS to be done in order to start getting his oral health back to a better state.
On another note, you can tell your husband that by him getting his teeth cleaned, it will help your health as well. Each person has different, yet specific bacteria that are in the mouth. Some bacteria is nonharmful to the host. However, once you introduce these bacteria into a different host (ie from kissing), you can start the (periodontal) disease process in another person. So in other words, kissing your husband's disease and bacteria filled mouth (sorry to be cruel, but that's what it is) may be harmful to you, children (if you share a drink/straw, etc.) and others, by starting the same disease process in an otherwise healthy mouth.
If I were you, I'd be grossed out to make out with something like that too.
You just have to try to present going to the dentist as a benefit to everyone. I'm sure that he doesn't want to end up losing teeth because the periodontal disease attacks all of the supportive structures in his mouth (bone and ligaments that line the tooth socket). It's much less costly in the long run to have the cleaning done and get some fillings than wait and end up with root canals and other much more expensive work. Plus with proper preventitive and good home care, he can get his mouth back to a healthy state again.

hope some of this helped.
good luck
L.

It could be he has an issue with going to the dentist but you haven't asked why? Maybe something happened when he was young? I had a friend that hadn't gone in 30 years also because he had bad experiences when he was young. Bring it up to some of his friends and see what they think and maybe they'll join the cause. He may only take your hints and threats as being bitchy. If it is important to you, you may want to consider counseling to get him to open up about the why.

Good luck.

That is a tough one.

Maybe he's scared of the dentist?
Maybe it hurts him....I use to have to take tylenol before I went because it made my gums so sore.

Maybe you can try not bathing for a few days. When he mentions it explain that you don't think it's necessary. In Europe they don't bath everyday. They think Americans are being silly with the bathing everyday. You are trying to save on the water bill.

I agree with you. It is pretty gross. I've had friends with lots of tartar buildup, cavaties, and bad breath because of gum disease. It will turn into bad breath with the gum disease.

Maybe eat some onion or garlic everyday for awhile until he notices your breath. Shrug your shoulders and ask what does it matter if your mouth is disgusting? I like garlic....You don't like a garlic mouth???

Oh, and the post about health is a good one. Do some research. You will find that there are all kinds of health issues associated with poor oral hygiene.

C A- I feel for you. I would imagine that how unpleasant your issue can be as well as putting a damper on some activites that occur during intimacy, but I think that you need to find out what the issue really is. Has he had a bad experience? My mother, as a child in a foreign country, has a horrible experience and negligected her teeth. She totally regrets it as she has gum disease and does not have many of her own teeth left. If he is scared, you need to find a good dentist that will make him comfortable. I go to Grove Dental in Wheaton and see Dr. Crowe. He is really kind and the office has nitrous Oxide available. They also see my kids and the pediatric dentist philosophy is that if the kids don't have good experiences, they will be afraid and not go to the dentist. I think this is probably the problem.... if it is not, book your appoointment around the same time as your husband, get a babysitter and make it a date, of course with something fun to follow the appt, like lunch or a movie, kind of like positive reinforcement and some special time w/o the baby.
Good Luck!

Hi there,
I'm thinking he's afraid to go for whatever reason. Most of us will avoid what we fear. I wouldn't advertise it to his friends or shame him into it. Would that work for you? probably not... I would let him know that there are other dentists and perhaps you could find one that would be sensitive to whatever experiences he may have had.
Let your husband know that you understand, but at the same time, he needs to take of himself for hygene issues alone.
Tell him, he can meet with the dentist and hygenist first and if he doens't approve of them, there are others out there.

Oh my god! I wish I knew what to say to you because I have a similar problem with my husband, he wont go to the dentist and he still has a wire in his mouth from his braces! I think it's been 8 years since he's seen a dentist. He won't go to the doctor either, even after his best friend passed away suddenly and unexpectedly last summer. I'm sorry I can't help you, but I really feel for you!

I feel for you because oral hygiene is important to our family. My parents didn't go to the dentist for over 10 years and are regretting it now.

I don't agree with the post to include his friends in your plite. I think this is a personal family matter that needs to stay in the family. You think he's mad now, imagine how he would feel if you betrayed his confidence and told all his friends! Not good...

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is the fact that if he doesn't take care of the cavities early, they will become crowns or even worse they might have to do a root canal? Taking care of your teeth on a regular basis saves money in the long run.

Also, I agree with the post that said if he loved you enough he would do something about it...this is right on! And I agree with the post that says if your husband doesn't go to the dentist it's sending the wrong message to your child. He needs to resolve this issue before your 9 month old is old enough to be afraid of the dentist!

Best of luck and hold your ground!

Hey CA! Stop brushing your teeth and see how he likes it! I'm totally into good hygiene and CLEAN teeth! It wigs me out not to have brushed teeth! If he loves you, this is a small sacrifice to make. Or is it a sacrifice to take care of your teeth?!?!? Someday he might not have teeth to worry about, but for now...brushing to make you happy is what he needs to do, especially if he wants to make out!!! HEE! He won't like it if you stop that!!! It's a 2 way street! Maybe you can get creative with making out and toothpaste?!?!? Hmmm...take it and run!!! Later! Stay warm!

You're not in the wrong. How dare he not consider the fact that he could be infecting you every time you kiss deeply! Shame on his little boy pride..and shame on his mother or whoever raised him. Tell him you'de rather kiss him with his own teeth than him having to get them all pulled in the future and you kissing him with false teeth. Cavities are infection. He probably runs a low grade fever and doesn't know it either. He's a grown man...time for him to act like one.

Perhaps if you prove to him that more importantly periodontal or gum disease can lead to heart disease. My husband was lax with his dental hygiene early in our relationship due to traumatic dental visits as a child. I lovingly explained that I was concerned for his health~ at the time I worked for a periodontist~and showed him documentation including graphic pictures to support my concerns. Also he can transmit the bacteria to you.
If he has a fear of dental visits he might consider consulting with a hypnotist and learning stress release techniques.

Do you have a good dentist that you like? Has he been with you when you go for your appointments? It sounds like he is afraid of going to the dentist. Maybe he had a bad dentist/dental expirience when he was a child. You'd be surpirised how many people are truly terrified of the dentist. Though it is true dental disease can cause other issues, I think the fear issue needs to be del with FIRST in order to get him TO the dentist. Make an appointment for him for a consultation with the dentist, which will tell you and him what exactly each procedure includes, what kind of timetable your looking at (if it is many cavities alot of times the dentist won't do them all at once, but in a few appointments), and how much the cost is, as well as any kind of payment plan if needed.
In a way it is like you would do with your chld's first dental appointment. YOU make the appointment,they go in and talk to the dentist, sometimes they can go with you if it helps, etc...

You can show your husband this note if you want. I am currently having, what they are calling a 'deep cleaning' ouch, used to or currently is oral or gum surgery. It took all sorts of time to get me to this point, I was afraid of the pain that it would be to continue with tooth care and once many years ago when I had gum problems a dentist called me a very bad name because they thought I was living a not so good life. Truth is, I am college educated, Bachelor's degree from DePaul, a paralegal certificate from an accredited aBA approved college, but not in good shape with my gums now.STress caused a lot of it, not neglect, not bad habits and I know this. Perhaps he has been humiliated also. Tomorrow, coincedently I go for part two. If he is uncomfortable now, tell him he will lose some of those teeth, I can count about six missing, will have to get a bridge and tomorrow I will be getting horribly painful shots and another 'deep cleaning'. He perhaps fear the pain as I did, but it will be worse and he will not like himself in the future without teeth,. I am having trouble eating things and I wish that I could have had the money and the courage all my life to get the proper care. Those cavities will be little compared to what I will be undergoing tomorrow. So go ahead copy this and let him know that it doesn't make him less of a human being or whatever the reason and then let him know you will be by his side as he goes through this. By the way, the pain has affected our life in bedroom, too, so I can't wait to feel better and am grateful my husband is going to take me tomorrow. Because I'm sure he is ready for a little fun stuff himself!

Wow. I so know what you're talking about. I have a very similar issue with my husband. When he was a child, he knocked out his front teeth and has a prosthesic bridge. Sometimes, he has terrible breath. He doesn't brush his teeth. His breath smells like rotting meat. A turn off, you ask? Absolutely. I have confronted him about his teeth and breath and he gets VERY upset and hurt, but you have to say it. Men can be very passive/aggressive about this kind of thing because it has to do with their desirability. He knows that his breath smells because he notices how people respond to him at work. He chews gum and/or eats lifesavers, but the underlying problem is still there. I don't really have any advice except to say that it is very difficult. However, the times I have confronted him about it, he has begrudgingly done something about it.

I don't think this is a marriage issue, this is an issue of fear that you husband has. It has nothing to do with you outside of the fact that you don't want to kiss him and be near his bad breath.

Why not address his problem--he has a legitimate fear of the dentists as some many millions of people do in the U.S. I was one of them years ago until I found the right dentist that not only tended to my dental needs, but also my fears. May I suggest you make a few phone calls to dentists nearby and ask them questions and find out how the Dr. could address the fear issue. When you think you may have found a Dr. that seems right for him, talk it over with him and suggest that he goes. one step further--make the appointment for him on a Saturday and go with him for support. Also, remind him that dental issues cause other medical issues in the future. You can look it up on the internet and show that to him too.

You could...Discuss with him again. Tell him you didn't mean to offend him, but he asked why you weren't into the kissing and you wanted to be honest with him. Tell him it upsets you that he reacted so negatively, that you were not trying to be mean. You can ask him how/why he interpreted what you said the way he did. Acknowledge his perspective and if it is different than your intention, just explain that. Maybe you can ask him what he thinks would be a good solution to the plaque buildup and the breath issues. If he has a fear of going to the dentist (pain, etc.), he can call the dentist's office and discuss those issues with them. They're professionals, they'll do their best to make it easy on the patient.

Maybe remind him also that bad oral hygiene also leads to heart disease and he could die prematurely of a heart attack because he has gum disease! maybe that will wake him up =)

Hi CA!
I didn't go to the dentist for 10 years, and you know why? I had a "shaming" dentist.I have a family history of HORRIBLE mouth problems. Grew up with a harsh dentist, and A**hole orthodontist and ...there ya go. I did not go for 10 years b/c I was so sick of dentist commenting on my teeth and gums and their poor condition. I was well aware of it and even when I would floss at least 3x weekly, I still had problems. Frankly I didn't need to hear about how bad my mouth was..my parents have $100's of thousands paid in dental bills.

I have now gone 2 yearly for 5 years...you know why..I found a great dentist. SO good I explained by fears to him and my concern about neglect. He is so cool. We have moved 45 minutes from him and I refuse to change.

I think my hubby may have warned him before my first appointment (how scared/ashamed I was) but it also helped motivate me that we have a family history of heart disease (see other posters) and that I want to have a pretty smile when my kids get older and maybe show grandkids. Dentures change the shape of your face and make it hard to eat lots of foods.

Good luck and remember he might be coming from this spot!!

Hi CA,
He has an abnormal fear of the dentist. He probably needs therapy, but if he's that adverse to Dr.'s than that's probably out of the question to. I would go on the internet & print out some info on how his oral hygiene effects you & on the serious health risks for him. Don't give him too many things to read, just enough to scare him into going. Explain to him that you understand his fear & that he's not alone. You need to also tell him that you are not being selfish for not kissing him, he is being selfish for not being treated for a serious health issue. Find a dentist that uses gas. I was terrified of having my cavities filled until I went to a dentist that gave me the gas. I ended up laughing through the whole procedure. Now I can go & do it without it.

He says if you love him enough you wouldn't care. Well if he loved you enough he would care....it can go both ways! If it was me I would make the appointment for him and drive him there myself, if you have kids bring them with and show them what a trooper Dad is when going to the dentist (because I'm assuming if you have one parent who hates the dentist you may end up with kids who will follow that).

Hi Ca,

I worked in a dental office for over 10 years. You wouldn't believe the people that would come in and would not have been to a dentist in 10-20 years. One office I worked at there was a gentalmen I wanna say late 20's early 30's who ended up needing dentures because his teethand gums were just too far gone. Maybe you should try and scare him a little. I don't know if that will work but it is worth a shot.

My suggestion would be to let your husband know that it does matter. It matters because the medical community has found a link between periodontal disease and heart disease. You want him around for a long time, healthy. I just googled oral health and heart disease and found some good articles. Here is one that has a good explaination: www.perio.org/consumer/mbc.heart.htm

It's not just about pretty teeth . . . it's about preventing heart disease or from having a stroke.

Here...maybe go this route...he has a 9-month old. Gum disease can really affect your health overall (I think I heard something that bacteria that is in the mouth/gums, can go right to the heart).

He has a 9-month old. He is jeopardizing his health, which could leave your son or daughter - fatherless. You don't want to be a single parent.

I know that sounds over the top; however he needs to start thinking of his child more than thinking of just the two of you.

Good luck!
J.

This sounds like "tough love", something that I recently had to deal with. I discovered that where I've normally had virtually NO issues with my own teeth, I suddenly had a lot of superficial cavities on my molars. My dentist asked me a lot of questions to try and figure it out, and we were both puzzled until she saw my husband's teeth. HE WAS GIVING ME CAVITIES!!! I basically did the "tough love" thing too, and though he was upset at first, he began to realize what it really meant for both of us, and finally went in to get them all handled. I think you should hold your ground, continue flowing him love but just impress how important it is to you that he gets it fixed.

Hi;
My advice would be to stop looking at this as a marriage issue or a you against him. A lot of people are afraid of the dentist and to go and be told you need a bunch of procedures would be terrifying, and i would think embarrassing. Try and figure out where he is coming from, leave out your feelings about it and just be a sounding board for his concerns and fears. Just discuss his feelings about dentists, leave out the sex part and how it is affecting your marriage this could be a simple fear. Good Luck

Well, I am no marriage expert but regardless of his choice to go or not I do not believe sexual intimacy should ever be held back. There are way to many temptations in this society we live in and that is one area that should never be held over the others head. It could ultimately be the demise of a marriage. Maybe explain to him that you are more concerned about his health and that is why you would like him to get a check up. Pull up some info from the internet about the benefits to good oral hygene and the fact that he may loose his teeth at an earlier age if proper care is not taken. My husband has not gone to the dentist in years either, mostly because we do not have dental insurance. But we can both be thankful they brush and use mouthwash : o ) And remember when you said your vows it was for better and worse; cancer, financial burdens, even bad dental hygene. Be thankful for his good qualities and make sure he knows them often! I bet before long he will decide on his own to go once you leave him alone about it. That's how men usually work anyway! Blessings, N.

The two -- sex and oral hygiene -- are separate concerns; however, the bone of contention has gotten so large between the two of you that they've kind of slopped over into each other. Clearly, this is a phobia or fear or whatever on your husband's end. I'm not saying he's right, but look at it from his POV: he knows the harm he's doing to himself but his obsession with avoiding the dentist (for whatever reason...probably fear or some underlying issue) outweighs any practicality.

I struggle with a compulsion that just sickens my husband. While it isn't harmful, I'm not proud of it. I've gone every imaginable route to free myself of the obsession, but each time I seem to get a handle on it is followed by even worse relapse. Five or six years ago, my husband would shame me, bargain with me, tell me it's a physical turnoff, say that if I cared about him I wouldn't do it, et cetera. Now it's a subject that is off-limits. He knows I'm not happy with it, and vice versa. I just try my best to not act on the compulsion and we move on.

Again, I'm not saying he is doing the right thing If he needs outside help, like finding a non-scary dentist or a therapist, then by all means support him. Otherwise... seriously, for your own sanity, you may have to let it go.

Good luck!

OMG!! I have no advice for you, but I am so sorry!!!! Gross! I am in TOTAL agreement to your situation. Hope you can get him there soon. Does he want to lose his teeth? :(

Hello CA,
I just saw your question and had to respond. I had a lot of issues with Dentists growing up, and to say I was scared of the dentist is an understatement. once I became an adult I didn't go to the dentist... I did always brush my teeth but was to scared and always full of excuses why I couldn't go. When my husband & I got married he was always going every 6 mths like you are suppose to, then he asked me why he never heard me talk about going to the dentist and I had to admit I hadn't seen one in 10 yrs!! He too was a little grossed out BUT he asked me WHY! I of course gave my "excuses" and HE CARED enough to get to the root of the problem! This is not a personal issue or insult to you! This is an issue with him! Instead of demanding, try helping. I now see our dentist every 6 mths and I was lucky, other than the start of some gum disease (which has been turned around now) I didn't have any real problems. You have made a problem much bigger by your demanding. Try finding out why, in a caring fashion. Don't demand, if he's scared of the dentist (which is what I'm going to guess) you telling him to man up and go, is really digging into his ego and making him feel small. And from my expeirence when you make a man feel small they dig their heals in even more.

Tell him you care about him, and you are worried about him, HELP him get to the root of HIS issue. And stop taking it so personal!!
If my husband would have done the same thing to me that you are doing to your husband, I would have left him a long time ago. You need to look deeper into the issue. And yes my fear of the dentist was/is still VERY massive, but I now go. You can't possibly know how terrifying it was for me!I cried for 2 days before going. I had to take Valuem just to be able to walk in the door. Unless there is something you are truely afraid of, you can't possible understand how fear can stop you in your tracks! Even when it's something that you need to do.