Help with Greedy Son

I don't condone giving kids things whenever they ask, however, saying "no" all the time is not good either. Ease up on the "no's" and maybe he won't sound like "I want" all the time.

C. T.

When this happens with me I ask him if he would like to wait to open it or would he like me to throw it in the trash? Those are his options. If he keeps it up, the item goes in the trash and NEVER comes out. I've done this on several occasions and he knows I mean business. It works like a charm!

Tell him that each time he asks to open the gift that he will have to wait one day more beyond his birthday to open it. And stick to your guns, follow through and do what you said you would do.

I call it gimmie-itis. My kids have been afflicted for the past year. I certainly hope they outgrow it soon. They are 9 yr old triplets and it drives me nuts. I can tell you he will bug you until he gets that present. Then of course he will forget all about it. Just keep telling him no. If you give in one time, he will try it again later.

Sticking to your guns is the most important, if it takes 18 years. Take him to a shelter to help feed the homeless or poor so he can really "see" what the word poor means.

Kids need to feel secure with their own possessions and sense of "ownership" before they can truly share and give. So I recommend - give him the present. If you share and give to your son, your son will share and give to others. Kids mimic their parents' behavior. He will treat others as you treat him... so give him the present and be generous and giving to foster that sense of generosity and kindness in him :))

First thing I would do is tell him that if he keeps asking for something that is meant to be a gift for his birthday, it will put it another hour away. In other words he asks you 20 times before his actual birthday, the gift would be allowed to be opened the 20th hour the day after his birthday. I also the 4 weeks before a gift event, birthday, christmas is spent by the potential receiver of gifts going through all of their things and getting together a tote of all of their unwanted items. These depending on condition get offered by them to childrens floors at hospitals, homeless shelters that allow kids or donated elsewhere. Both of these eliminated asking for things to be ahead of schedule. Kids today alot of times don't get to feel the excitment of holidays due to the fact they get stuff all year long, instead of holding onto the anticipation.

I don't think your son is greedy, I think he's being a boy. Not sure if he is the 9 year old or the 11 year old, but either way, it is HARD for most kids (and probably a lot of adults) to not want to open a gift that is clearly meant for them. Next time, keep the gift out of sight until it is time to open it. As for hanging in there, my oldest is a marketer's dream. He thinks he "needs" everything, so I understand a bit of your situation. My son earns an allowance (one dollar per grade level, so as a second grader he is earning $2/week this year). He may purchase just about anything he wants. We have clear rules and it helps him to not ask for everything. When he says he wants something, rather than simply saying "no" I tell him to either put it on a list for his birthday or on a list to save up and purchase. It's not a promise that he will get it, but he can put his request somewhere else, so to speak. It's also not the answer he wants, but as are you, I am determined to make sure the grows up understanding the value of money and that having everything you think you want isn't necessary to have a happy life. Good luck!

I think this is pretty common behavior for his age and if you keep doing as you are doing, trying to instill into him values other than materialism, he will outgrow it. It is hard for kids these days as they are bombarded with media telling them they need this or that. And their friends have this and that etc. But persevering with the volunteering and telling him that we don't need every thing that is hot right now, will eventually work - but it may take some time. there are these books by Ames and Ilg that are quite helpful on what to expect at different ages. They have one book for each year. They are a little outdated on some of the examples but the basic child development is quite helpful. I agree with the other post, I wouldn't give in to the demand for the present as that rewards bad behavior. Good luck.

Hi JS,

I think this behavior is so frustrating too. I have & still do experience the "gimme itis" with my girls only at 14 yrs old & 16 yrs old the price tag goes way up. My son now 20 never had it & still does not. Same house, same parents, who knows? One thing that works for my children is I have them write it down & post it where we all can see the list of wants. It validates their wants in writing. Regarding his birthday gift sitting their tempting his "gimme itis", maybe put a sticky note on it when he can open it? Maybe even print out a calendar page & he can check off the days as they pass by? I remember as a child my God Mother used to send a package to me & what my Mom did was let me open it on the "eve" of the birthday/Christmas & that memory is still precious to me. I think we as parents have done the best we can but our children are bombarded by advertising tricks that are manipluating their little sponge brains. Not sure how this "I deserve" or "gimme itis" will play out in their adult lives but it will be interesting when all of a sudden they have to pay for all their wants/needs won't it.
Good Luck.
C.

Hi Js, My 6yr does this with anything. Even if it is going somewhere. When are we going. When is that etc. So what we do is right it on the calendar and let him mark the days off on the calendar so that way he knows when that day has come. So he gets excited as it gets closer. That way he stops asking my hubby and myself. It stops alot of frustration..When I mean he does this with anything, I mean anything,if it is a present or going somewhere. Good Luck to you

Hi JS:

Your son doesn't sound greedy at all to me. He sounds like a very normal child. Shame on your family for putting you and him in this situation. If he were my child, I would give him the gift now. There are many other lessons in life that are very valuable and I would pick this unfair battle to fight. And remember, all children are different, so you can't compare.

"It's not the having, it's the getting."

Sound familiar?

My husband had me pick out the engagement ring with him, and I tried it on every day before he officially gave it to me. :) I don't wait for presents, either.

I don't know how old your son is, but maybe part of this could be solved by giving him an allowance that's reasonable for his age, so that when he wants something, you can say, "Do you have enough money for it?" and he has to save. It shows what's really important. My husband's parents made an offer to pay for half of big things if the kids worked and saved for the other half.

So really you're dealing with two issues, and neither of them is being greedy so much as "delaying gratification."

Give him the gift! It's driving him nuts! Why bother holding it off if it's disrupting your family and peace of mind? Life is too short. Use another time to teach him patience. Use this time to teach him negotiating skills.

And---call your relative and tell her thanks but please don't do that again!

I think this sounds like classic impatience and waiting is torture to kids. In my opinion some of these responses are too severe. Is it really that surprising that a kid wants a gift that he knows is sitting there waiting for him? I'm NOT saying give in, but maybe YOU are also being impatient with HIM. I would not punish him by saying the more you ask the longer you will wait or anything like that. I would just stick to my guns and say, sorry, Aunt Martha, or whoever, instructed only to be given on the birthday. You might try turning it into a guessing game. (What is it? instead of when will I get it?)That might take away some of the tug of war between the two of you. Or add some humour to the situation-"I think Aunt Martha said something about it being some kind of doll..."
Children have to learn this stuff, they aren't born with it. He is stubborn-my boy was exactly the same. Stubborness however can be a good quality in some situations. (If he sticks with something over time that is good right?)
Good luck and remember you are a teacher as his parent.

I didn't read anything that would indicate that he's greedy. Mine ask for everything under the sun...so did I when I was little. I wanted what others had. I was a child and so is he. If he was eating all the cookies in a bag and not pitching a fit when he has to share I would say he's greedy. If he didn't want to give anything to anyone or buy presents for anyone with his money then I would say he's greedy. I think he's a normal child. I couldn't stand to wait to open presents when I was young. I actually cut open our Christmas presents with my dad's fillet knife one year (got in big trouble for that one). I got an ultrasound with all three kids to find out what I was having as soon as it was possible. I made early appointments because I couldn't stand the suspense. Doesn't sound like he's greedy. It sounds like suspense kills him. He's normal.

Unless there is something else you aren't sharing, I would say continue to do what you're doing. Show him how to be charitable. Have him tithe at church from his birthday money. Have him donate to a charity from his allowance. Take him shopping to buy a present for someone with his money. Make him share a bag of chips or cookies or something along those lines with a friend or sibling as often as possible.

I hate to admit it, but I HATE SURPRISES! If someone sent me a gift with a date in the future to open it, I would be a lot like your son. My hubby knows not to let me know that there are presents in the house for me, and not to bring them to the house till the day of or I will bug him incessently. LOL. I guess I never fully grew out of "the gimmies", to the point where my hubby yelled at me last year about "guessing" my gifts(Im too good at it) because I was ruining it for him. Patience is not my greatest virtue, however one that I hope to correct and teach to my children. Some kids get the gimmies and some don't, some are naturally more patient than others, though punishing him because he is not patient is probably going to backfire. If you aren't patient with him, how can you expect him to be patient with you. just laugh at his cunning and say NOPE...SORRY. He's showing you his intelligence by trying to come up with ways to get what he wants. Isn't that something kids should learn anyway? Isn't this the way we learn tenacity; to not quit and keep going after the things we want in life? Personally If I were you I'd be pretty proud of him.
on a side note...Bribery at nine...think of the possibilities you could do with that. All of the things you could get him to do for you.....my mom would have cashed in and still not given me my gift till the day of my birthday.

Try to see it through your son's eyes: Presents are fun, I love presents, I'm so excited to see what's in the box. How can you be on his side and validate how he's feeling? Acknowledge the way you and this relative (albeit unintentionally) turned what should be an occasion of unconditional joyful giving into something unpleasant with rules and restrictions. She could be asked to hand the gift over in private next time or wait until closer to his actual birthday to send it if the day he opens it is so important to her. For this time, work *with* him. Say "I'm not sure how to handle this. Our relative requested you wait to open the gift and I want to respect her wishes, but I understand how difficult it is for you to wait. What can we do?" Then brainstorm with him and genuinely consider all the ideas and come to a decision together. Then you're teaching finding win-win situations and how to really listen to someone and solve problems.

You say "he hears 'no' all the time" as though that's a good thing. It's amazing the gratitude and generosity that develops in children who live in a "yes" world, where life is viewed from a place of joy and abundance. Greed is cultivated in an environment of lack and not enough and when things one wants are doled out in controlled and limited ways. See your son through eyes that see his untainted sense of abundance, his good intentions and desire to live for the moment and you'll be thrilled at what's reflected back at you.