Help with Defiant 4 Year Old. ( LONG ) ( Parenting Help )

I agree with the post suggesting a Love and Logic Class. Both of my boys' preschool's (they go to different ones) have offered them. Just google it and see where you can find one.

When you ask her to do something, are you expecting her to jump and do it? If so, you may want to re-think that. I struggle w/ this myself. When I ask dd (just turned 5) to do something, I would like her to stop and do, but that's just not reasonable. They are living their lives and doing stuff and get into things just like we do. Now, when I want her help cleaning up the kitchen or putting stuff away, I will tell her that in a few min she is going to help me. I let her know that her time is ending and help time is coming. If I'm just looking for her to put some of her stuff that is laying around the house away, I put it in a basket and tell her it needs to happen before she can X (whatever that may be).

When I need her to listen to me, I ask that she stops what she is doing and look at me. A lot of times I will also ask her to repeat it back so I know she heard and understood me.

I also struggle w/ the yelling. I have found that having her look at me has really helped, which in turn cuts back on the yelling. The calmer I stay (which is HARD when you are upset they are not listenging) the better she acts.

I just started reading How to Talk to Kids so Kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. So far I'm liking it.

About the foods.....if she can't have it, don't buy it. Or buy it but keep it at work or someplace she can't get it. I wouldn't buy a tasty snack for myself that my kiddo couldn't have too. And if I do, it doesn't come in the house where she can see it.

My 4 1/2 year old was giving me a hard time for a while. Very different personality than my 6 year old. I said this to another mom as well that was having a hard time and I don't want to sound crass, but, YOU ARE THE MOTHER> she is 4 you are not. You lay out the rules. You choose your battles. My children, when punished, are put in the middle of their floor and must sit indian style and on their hands until I am ready to talk to them(which is usually 5 minutes of quiet time). You want to be the good guy, but the truth is is that you're the mommy. Her discipline is far more important than her being upset with you for a day because she didn't get her way. She'll figure it out as long as you stay consistent with the punishments. you can't give up easily. it'll just get worse the longer you let it go. good luck!

Dare to Discipline by Dr Dobson
Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp

both are excellent

Try and find a Love and Logic parenting class in your area. They are usually held at schools and churches. Call around. Good luck.

In addition to Love & Logic, "Making Children Mind without Losing Yours" and "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Lehman are great resources. http://www.drleman.com/store/parenting-books/cat_4.html

My first question would be, are you making eye contact when you ask her the question? She is probably so involved in her activity that she either honestly doesn't hear you, or just CAN'T pry herself away even though she knows she should (ever been SO involved in a good book that you put off making dinner till the last minute? I have! :)) Get down to her level, put your hands on her shoulders, and say "Look at my eyes" or "Where are my eyes?" When you have eye contact, tell her what you want her to do. If she still ignores you, then you have your answer, she is being outwardly defiant. My son went through a phase (at five years old) of stalling and complaining about EVERY little thing I asked him to do, things as simple as "please put this toy away" when he was standing right next to the toy bin. What I did was, the next time he refused to help clean up was sit him on his bed without a word and told him he may get up when I am done cleaning up his mess. He sat on his bed and cried while I cleaned up the whole living room very slowly.... When I was done I went to him and said "That took a long time, didn't it? That was really boring for you to sit on your bed. If you would have helped me clean up, it would have been so fast, and then we could have played a game together. Now I have to go clean up my own mess in the kitchen. Next time why don't you pitch in and do your part while I do my part, and then we can have fun together?" We haven't had a problem since! I'm sure you will get all kinds of wonderful ideas on here - this is just what has worked for us!

Listen and compare how you word your demands and how your fiancee words it. listen and compare the tone of voice, how does he react when she doesnt respond immediately? Is his voice firmer? does she know he expects her to react immediately and you expect to have to say it five times before any consequences. Some moms make their voice or words sound like a question. Are we ready to leave the park now? or "Please get in the car" can sound like a request but it should be an order she doesnt get to say No. She needs to have LOTS of choices in her life, not are you ready to leave the park but do you want to have a water bottle for the car ride home or an apple? Do you want to walk to the car with Mommy or Sister? When it's time for school keep her busy with her decisions Do you want to wear the red sweat shirt to school or the blue? mittens or gloves? put your shoes on alone or with help? She can be so distracted by these choices and the feeling of control it gives her that she forgets to fight over leaving right away. Kids argue much less with a timer. bend down and Make eye contact and say When the timer goes off it's clean up time. then say "I'm setting the timer lets see who can put away the most toys before the timer goes off again"
We had the timer decide when it was bath time and when it was time to get out of the bath and when it was brush teeth time etc! I like the Book 1-2-3 Magic because it suggests NO discussion no bargaining. Save explanations for rules for much older children " a teen can be told why you thing 11 is curfew time or why they cant go somewhere. Little kids are not that logical, and parents are in charge. No explaining. The rules are (for ex) No hitting, Listen to your parents, bedtime at 8. These rules do not change, so why do you have to re explain? Warnings are just counting. when you give first warning you CAN give a short explanation "Good listening" Or "It's Clean Up time" then second warning is "two" no discussion third warning is 3 and then she knows from CONSISTENT past experience its time out time or a priviledge is now lost. The frequent choices and the timer kept us from needing a lot of time outs1 good luck

One thing I would suggest is that you make sure she hears you. You say she acts like she can't hear you. Then, you need to call her name, have her look you in the face and then state what you need her to do. If possible, have her repeat it back to you. Then, if she doesn't do it, punish her - EVERY TIME. Consistency is the key. Also, as someone mentioned, don't expect her to jump up and do it that very minute - part of the conversation can be WHEN she does it. My son and I negotiate on WHEN he does something, but not whether or not he is going to do it. And, sometimes, when the negotiation is some time away, I don't get mad if he forgets - I just remind him that he needs to do it (and if the agreed upon time has already passed, he needs to drop every thing and do it at that minute).

Good luck
L.

1) If she listens to your fiance, then try and have him tell her to do things when he's around. Let the more effective parent do the job - there's nothing wrong with that.

2) She might be acting out some BECAUSE you have a finance, even though she seems to like him. Sharing mom is hard.

3) I was kind of like you, pussyfoot around and then yell, but I found that it's best to give the severe consequence once than to never be firm and then yell all the time. Make sure the things you are asking her to do are appropriate for a 4 year old. Don't expect her to do a lot of chores, for example. (Are you by chance asking her to do too much?), THEN, if she doesn't respond to a reasonable request, take away a privilege -- a tv show she likes, whatever. I'm not advocating spanking, though.

I like Wendie's idea of sitting indian style on their hands for 5 minutes. Cute.