Help with Best Friend's Husband

well, I think you should try an face to face conversation.
Sometimes emails come across differently than intended.

Go to her and fix this.
Forget about him. Focus on her and you.
She really needs you and you really need her.

If he is like you say then he will not be around forever.
She will need you to lean on.

Good luck.

Knowing when to butt out is a fine art and it takes time to learn. Her husband and father to her child might be a total jerk, but she has to come to that conclusion on her own. She's not going to thank you for pointing it out, and even if she ends up agreeing with you, she's not going to want to hear 'I told you so'. By attacking her marriage, you put her in a position where she feels she has to defend it. Domestic difficulties are the most dangerous police encounters because the people involved are not always sure why they are angry and they'll switch from fighting each other to defending each other from a perceived outside threat in the blink of an eye. Keep your distance for now. If she ever breaks from him she might want to vent or need you to listen to her. It might take her years to get to that point or she may never. Don't push her. Send a little card for birthdays but otherwise leave her be. Either she'll come to you or she won't.

basically and unfortunately, you need to butt out.......... you can voice your feelings as you have, but do know that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink... or so goes the saying.. If your friend is not ready or willing to see how this guy does not pull his weight , then let it be.. Thing is, while he may not pull his weight, obviously she is getting something back from him that she needs that you may not even be aware of... One of my best friend's boyfriend is dull , boring and well, I happen to think doesn't pay for enough and too, this friend of mine is well educated, attractive, has much going for her .. In my eyes could do soooooooooooo much better.. but.......... it's her choice to hang with this guy..... then so be it...
However, I will say that since she has been with him. it's cut into the time she spends with our family........ that is the sad part.. Although, I 've grown accustomed it.. I just grin and bear it as NO relationships or friendships remain the same.... perhaps you need to try and distance yourself a bit...

I have not read the other responses yet, but want to share my first impressions from your post, which will answer you ultimate inquiry.

You write "a mutual friend of ours emailed me to say that she thought the situation had gotten to a breaking point and we needed to let my friend know how we felt." WHY??? Seriously, the man might be a jerk but he is your friend, she married him, he is the father of her baby. She dated him for 6 years..I'm pretty sure his jerkiness isn't a newsflash to HER. Is you & other friends telling her he's a jerk going to make him miraculously change? Probably not.

I think it was a bad choice to EMAIL your "feelings" to your best friend! It's rude, impersonal and, most importantly, easily shown to her husband verbatim should she choose to.

You could sense that she was getting more angry and defensive with every email. Yet you continued. Nice.

FINALLY, she says her husband is made "crazy" by your friendship. Hmmmm...could it be the attacks, the nasty emails bashing him and their relationship?

You resorted to a "holier than thou" attitude, waxing about how your friendships are enriching your marriage, blah, blah.

Look honey, you're very young. Let me tell you something about friendships. They change, people change, they do things you may not agree with. Friends remain loyal and supportive, not judgmental and demanding.

I'm sure it's your age, but based on your post, she might be better off without you and some other "mutual" friends! Sounds like she has enough challenges in her life right now. Friends are supposed to be the bright spot. Is your friendship for her a bright spot in her life?

Honey, I am twice your age, been there, done that, and you have just learned one of lifes lessons in the hardest way possible. It is called MYOB, uless you are invited in to the B by the person who's B it is. When it comes to your friend's husband and kids, you should only speak possitively, unless they invite you into their own heartache. Be very careful even when that happens, no matter how close a friend, if you burn a bridge about thier loved ones, you just might never get back accross the river.

The person who told you that you "needed" to do this was wrong. It was not about what you needed anyway, she needed you to be her friend and wait for her to make her own grown up decisions about her life, which frankly might have happened sooner than it will now that everyone has done what they needed to about her relationship.

You can try and go tell her that you were wrong and then be her soft place to fall, but I would geuss that nothing is more solidifying for a husband and wife who are in trouble than to have a common enemy, and you may have just filled that role nicely, so if she has told her husband what you said, chances are slim that she will, or can make up with you. She knew the "truth" about everything you said already. She is giving you the cold sholder because if she could have admitted it, she would have told you first. You have no way of knowing how close she was to doing just that.

I'm so sorry you had to have this happen to you. Learn what you need to, and you may have to move on, but let her know that it is your fault, take responsiblity, make no excuses, and that you will be there for her in a heart beat if she ever decides to forgive you. And if she does, tell her that you will be nothing but supportive of what ever she decides to do with her life, and then stick to that.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

M.

So i hope this doesn't get too long, but I have been in this situation as well, but more of from your friends stand point. Please read I am not trying to be negative, just give you a different veiw point....

I had been my now DH for 4.5 years and had two children with him, the month before our wedding my freinds proceed to tell me that they do like who i am when i am with him and that they never want to hear me talk about him again and that hate him(yes those were their words). I was devastated, we had been freinds for a long time, much before i met him... and i was like why are you saying this to me NOW!?? I have two children with him, i am not leaving and yes we have problems, but they are not that bad... and the more i thought about it the more upset i became with them for saying they didn't like who i had become... to me I had become a mother, a wife, a good person who didn't drink every weekend or all week until got I sick and a few months away from offically becoming an alcholic.
I tried to explain to them they were not HIS freind they were MY freinds and that they should be there for me no matter what. I understood where they were coming from because we had a really rocky relationship at first but they had not been around much for the last few months before this happend and he really had CHANGED(even though they say it isn't possible). He was doing the things he should be doing and my family was truely a happy one, but they weren't there to see that.
I have not spoken to them since, NONE of them.
So my point is you have to decide. Are you going to be her freind who supports her no matter what(as in my opinion a true freind and adult responeds to the situation) or are you done? When and if they split up she is going to need you, she needs a shoulder to cry on not one to hurt her or feel weird around... Please try and make admends if that is what you would like to do for her child and yours...
Good Luck and know she is probably hurting worse than you are over this.

K., I am sorry. her husband didn't get in a way of your friendship, but you did. no one knows what goes on in one's home. you get one side of the story sometimes and sometimes you get the gossip from the other friend.
truth be told, if it were me instead of her husband, i'd be giving him the same ultimatum, to drop a friend who keeps telling him to leave me.
i mean, imagine if you had someone not brave enough to say it to your face once, but you went emailing back and fourth for a week.
the good sign is that they seem to communicate as she told him what you were saying. that's marriage.
i think you need to apologize and learn to accept her husband.

I am so sorry. I know you are so heartbroken over this. She is more like a sister to you, because you got to pick her as your friend...

As hard as it is, I think you need to give your friendship a break. Your friend had not married this guy for all of those years for a reason and now that she felt "she had to" she is now face to face with her decision. Give them time and see if he hangs himself in her eyes or if she is willing to accept him as he is.

Either way, allowing her to work this out on her own, will allow you to be safe from being accused of being part of the problem.

You can still send her cards and let her know you are still thinking of her, but other than that leave them alone.

This transition in your friendship is not unusual. You are not girls any more. You are now grown women, wives and mothers. That changes everyone..
It also can change friendships into acquaintances since your lives can be very, very different..

I am sending you strength. I am sending your friend clarity..

Written communication criticizing or addressing concerns about someone's relationship is often (I have found) a bad idea. Depending on the circumstances, it can be very hard to keep private and can cause more problems for the other person. I have had to read emails that were horribly critical of my husband and my family was angry when they found out that we do not "hide" email from each other. (I have a wonderful relationship with my husband as well, but for some reason my family really does not like him and thinks he is not good enough for me or good to me--still haven't figured out why.) I might complain about him not helping much around the house, because I hate doing all the housework, but he does so many other things. Sometimes wives/moms just need to vent about petty things and move on and really don't mean that there is anything wrong with the relationship. That said...

It is possible he has read or might read her email. That could make her situation worse.

I remember at my first prenatal appointment with my first son my husband was with me and did not know that they ALWAYS ask if you are in a safe relationship (so he was really upset about the question, and then pointed out that I would not have been honest in front of him if I wasn't).

Unfortunately, he is her husband, and you might have to try to ride this out. There is nothing more frustrating for having the disliked husband than people treating your marriage as if it is going to fail and you are not going to stay together. Women stay through terrible things (not always a good idea) and if she has decided to work for her marriage, she needs your support, not your criticism. Honestly, some men change a bit and mellow. Try to get together with her under neutral circumstances--coffee out, a date at the park with your children, etc. Keep your conversations neutral, focus on her family, her well-being, etc. Try not discussing her husband unless she brings something up. If you are simply there for her, she will be more likely to approach you if her situation becomes very bad. If she is fighting to make her marriage work, she needs to know she has your love and support no matter what. This is a difficult situation, and I've been there with family. Just try to keep your connection with her for now and keep in mind anything that might make her home life more awkward. Men (and women) hate being talked about, and if they bump into criticism in writing, it can be pretty miserable.

He could just be an off-topic subject. I do not mention my husband most of the time when I talk to my mom or sister because I do not like comments and he does not like seeing me upset about their comments.

I haven't read all your responses, but my first thought is this.... With my girlffriends and I, mainly my sister b/c she is my very best friend, if they hate their husband, I hate their husband; if they love their husband, I love their husband. The truth is none of us want anybody we love to be hurt, but at the end of the day, it's up to them about what to do about their situation. We can be offer our advice (if asked), support, and comfort and love, but they have to unltimately make the decision, to be happy or miserable. If your friend is telling you nothing is wrong, then I guess you have to believe her, and if in the back of your mind you think it isn't, you need to stay close so just in case something did get out of hand at her home, she could call you in a heartbeat. I hope you both can salvage your friendship; it's been a long one in the making!

I will be in this same situation soon.
My bestfriend has been dating a guy that I really HATE for 7 long years. And I don't hate anyone. except for this guy. We've been best friends for over 15 yrs and I KNOW her. He made her change her mind on something VERY serious and it was to the wrong choice. It was a choice I know she never would have taken. And I hate him for it. I didn't like him before that he's just NOT good for her. She doesn't see it and told me I was " gonna have to get over it". So I'm at a crossroads as well.
Your friend may be like mine and until she see's it for herself she will never get rid of him. It's going to have to be her realization cause all the talking in the world isn't going to change her mind.
You've put the ball in her court, it's her choice to make whether she contacts you or not. You have to leave it at that , if you push it will only back fire.

This is a touchy subject for me because I have argued over it with my husband, but not in the way you think. We argue because I say it's not a good idea, every time we have a disagreement, to go and complain to his best friend about it. My opinion is this:

Say you and I are best friends. Every time my husband makes me upset, I tell you about it. Then I go home and my husband and I talk it out. Maybe he apologizes; maybe I realize I misunderstood his actions; maybe I realize I was wrong and he was right, and it's me who apologizes. Either way, we work it out and all hurt feelings are healed. But perhaps you never hear that part. Then a few days or weeks later, my husband and I fight again, and I call you and tell you how he hurt me again, and the cycle repeats. Eventually, you're going to get tired of hearing about how my husband mistreats me, or hurts my feelings, etc. And you're going to get protective of me, and start wondering why I'm putting up with it.

Now let me interject here and say that most people will respond that everyone needs someone to vent to, and who better than your best friend? My next point is that, exactly because we are best friends, you'll feel it's your responsibility to tell me that it's time to "take the trash to the curb," as I once heard it put. But, simply because you don't know all the details (and probably are unaware of that fact), there's a chance you could be giving me bad advice. And because I do know the details (and probably assume that you do, too), I'm going to get protective of my husband, who maybe isn't as bad as you've been led to believe, and it's going to cause bad feelings between you and me.

It seems like you've reached this point, and I think it's time for you and your friend to talk. Call her, preferably when her husband's not around, and ask if she will meet you somewhere or if you can come over. Alternatively, stop by her house one day at a time you know her husband's not home, so the two of you can talk privately--then she can't refuse to meet you. Begin by saying you don't want to let 17 years of friendship go down the drain because of this situation. Tell her you apologize if you've overstepped your boundaries and gotten too involved. It's just that you love her and maybe you got a little overprotective. I think she will listen. She may still be angry and tell you so, but if she's willing to talk, that's a good sign. I think it's also a good sign that your gift for her baby hasn't been returned. (And, on the off-chance she doesn't listen, you can find closure in that you tried everything you could to rectify the situation).

And that's the easy part. From then on, you have to begin practicing the fine art of butting out, as B said. I can relate to that as well. My baby sister has the absolute worst taste in men. At 25, she's currently on her second marriage, and trying to make it work despite his immaturity, fiscal irresponsibility, cheating ways and empty promises to reform. She has two sons with him and I know that plays into her thinking as well, but how much should a woman put up with before she calls it quits? I may have called it quits already if I were in her shoes, but perhaps he has some redeeming qualities that she sees and I'm not aware of. Perhaps in the long run, it will be worth it. Or perhaps eventually she'll get tired of it and end the charade. And when she does, I'll be there to help pick up the pieces.

And then I'll give her an earful.

In all honesty I think you spoke up where you shouldn't have. The only place you have in this relationship is to tell your friend that you are tired of hearing about the complaints (if that is the case). Otherwise its not yours to say, and I am truly not surprised your friendship is where it is.
Your best bet if you want to resolve this is to go to her face to face and apologize for putting your nose where it doesn't belong.

You're just going to have to suck it up and talk to her face to face. Too much or too little can be read into emails, the wrong tone, and other than that it's just plain impersonal. Trust me, I've made this mistake. If you love her and are as good of friends as you say you are, you will go talk to her. Try not to be accusatory or demean her husband. She is still married to him, however rocky their marriage may be. Make it about her and how you're concerned about her well-being. If nothing else, all you can do is show her how you're going to be there for her no matter what. That's the hard thing about any relationship, sometimes all you can do is just stand next to them and catch them when they fall. Sometimes people need to make their own mistakes........ Best wishes to you all!

Katie,

An important life lesson to learn early (I didn't) is that people are only open to opinions/suggestions and direction if they ask. It appears that she didn't ask for your opinion, therefore it was probably not well received. Over time I have installed a "spam filter on my mouth mail" when it comes to relationships that are not mine. Neutrality is your friend - in spite of what she is going through it is still her that is going through it. I know someone who is in a "one-way" marriage, but have learned that the less I say to fuel the fire the better off I am. They always make up.

Personally I think you owe her an apology and all you can do is hope that it is well-received. If not, then you have done what you can to repair this.

Best of luck,
j