Help with Attachment Issues

J. I have the same problem. What works for me when I leave is I do one of two things I give his daddy his favorite toy and put him in his lap or (this one sounds kinda bad) I give his daddy one of his favorite healthy snacks. He is too busy with daddy and what he has to worry about me. I just can't tell him bye. When I come back he is normally quite and still in his daddy's lap. I do agree with the other ladies that said to let him stay at grandma's house and to get a babysitter. When Jayson is at his Nona's he is fine and happy.

Leave the baby with Daddy if you can to go shopping or take a walk or anything, this really helped with me. What also helped is leaving him with his grandparents, it's wierd because he never ever cries with them unless he hears my voice, I guess it's out of sight out of mind! Another thing you could do is trade babysitting with another mother for dates with Daddy. Well good luck and keep us updated on how everything works out

This is probably just a stage for him (separation anxiety), but I would take your friend up on her offer.

HI J., there are some really good suggestions posted. I would also encourage you to get your son involved in a couple of playgroups per week. He will develop social skills with others, develop independence and generally learn from the other children. We put our daughter in daycare for 2 half days per week and she just blossomed. Your baby needs to learn now that he is not the center of your universe and that you are not the center of his universe or you will have major issues when the new baby comes. Check your local park district, libraries, churches etc for playgroups in your area. Another plus is you'll find other moms to talk to during the playgroups. Good Luck.

Hello J., now it's a good time for you to let him know that he's gonna be a big brother. You can say that big brothers have to be a bit independent. You also have to let him know that YOU need some time to yourself. He is old enough to cry and be just fine. Maybe getting him involved in playgroups. It maybe that he feels that he "needs" you for everything and he has to eventually learn/know that this is not the case. It happened to me with my first child. I hope that this information has been helpful.

You have a blessed day.

L.

J.,

What you child is experiencing is actually a very important milestone called object permenance. This is where the child connects that something goes away and come backs. Several games that we play with children help to develop this skill such as peek-a-poo, dropping a toy from his high chair,or hiding a toy under the blanket. When they start looking for that toy they have reached a huge milestone. Please see the link for some great information on this and ways to help with the seperation anxiety. Good luck to you and remember this will pass.
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/separati...

C.

Attachment is normal and healthy at this age. Definitely you need to get out of the house more often. Try to get out by yourself at least twice a week. He will cry, but if you are consistently getting out he will figure out that mom eventually comes back and he won't have such a hard time with it after a couple of weeks.

I have to agree leave him with some one! and as long as the person dosent mint helping out and having a crying baby for an hour of two keep doing it i had too my daughter would even go to her dad at one point so just hang tight it will get easier!!!

Well J., it's tough to get a child to detatch himself from you. Have you ever played "Peek-a-boo" with you Son? Playing this game isn't just for fun, it teaches your child that when ever you leave, it wont be long for you to return. Try playing the game every day at different scales, One day use a blanket to cover your self from him completely then put it down, the next day walk into a different room and return. Keep this fun game going for him to instill in him you will return. Then eventually you can start stepping out the house and he will learn the concept that you will return. (I read this information in Parent Magazine when I was Pregnate, I been doing it since my daughter was very young and She never had a problem with me leaving her, she just always wanted to leave the house any time someone left) I hope this information helps and your able to finally spend some alone time. Here's some extra advice aswell, since your expecting try instilling in him that there is gonna be some one small and comming soon, try using a baby doll and show him how it's gonna be after you give birth. (If a a young toddler isn't ready for a younger brother or sister especially when he's so attached to you he might show a large amount of anger and agression twords the baby, Might even injure the baby.) Start getting him use to it now. Hope everything goes well.

I had the same problem with my daughter. I know at the time when anyone said it will pass it drove me nuts, as it is very frustrating. She still follows me around, however, not as much now and when I need that time I try my hardest to tune out the complaint. I learned that it is all about how we respond to the babies. If we make any reaction to the screaming and crying, then we will continue to here it. I had a hard time not being sarcastic when she was doing this, my father (who never spent lots of time with us at that age) said something that is very true. You are giving her the attention she craves and she will be running the show. So little by little I would inch out of a room. Stay busy, set him up with some of the toys he likes and go on to doing whatever you do. Say often to him. "Mama is doing (blank) right now. You should make a tower or color a picture for me. I also bring my daughter to parks to run around and play. Good luck, I understand how it feels!!

he's young, but it's never too early to talk to your babies...tell him "mommy goes away, mommy comes back!"
make a song out of it, or something cute, & sing/say it every time you leave him, starting with leaving the room to go to the bathroom & then when you return say,"see? here I am! mommy goes away & mommy comes back"
you have to do this over & over & over again...it will eventually 'click' really it will

also: make up a hand motion to go along with this- maybe this sounds like overkill, but somehow these little ones 'get' it with hand motions (think sign language) and songs :-)

I made up a sign for 'RIGHT BACK' and used it w/ my now 3 & 1/2 yr old when he was little (I probably starte at about 7 months as I'm doing it a bit w/ my 7 monther)& it really works. first though, when you use a sign to mean RIGHT BACK, you truly need to be RIGHT BACK so, I would use the sign for times like rushing to get the phone (& bring it back to where baby is), going to pee, etc...all the while saying "mommy goes away & mommy comes back"

yes, take your friend up on her offer :-)

and, for baby # 2 please go check out the wonderful world of babywearing. SAVED me! www.thebabywearer.com/forum

HTH
~L.

Your friend is right. It will be tough but you have to do it. Each day will get easier as he gets used to the routine but you must be consistent. After the first week, try to leave him for an 1 1/2 instead of an hour and then after the 2nd week try to leave him for 2 hours. Of course, each child is different and it may take him longer than one week to adjust to the routine but as soon as you see he starts to slowly subside with the crying, than you know you are making progress. He may cry the entire week, he may even cry the first two weeks, the key is to be consistent so that he can get used to the routine. The person who has the short end of the stick is your friend who will have to deal with the crying the entire week. It may last 3 days or it may last two weeks but he will eventually stop crying because he knows you will be back. Make sure you let him know that as you are leaving. That you love him very much, I have to go to the store and mommy will be right back. I am sure you do that but just keep drilling it into his head. Like I said, just don't give up, keep doing it for at least 3-4 weeks straight and he should be ok.

you know J., i had the same problem with my first born and i got pregnant right after my first and i wondered what was going to happen when i had to go to the hospital for my second delivery, and you know what?? everything worked out in the end, when i brought that second baby home, my first was in love with her new sister and things worked out great. the same will happen to you. Someday sooner than you think, this separation anxiety thing will turn into a "leave me alone thing" you will reach a stage were your baby won't want anything to do with you, so instead of worrying so much, enjoy his dependency on you while it last, they grow up so fast!!!

J.,

Girl, I feel for you! I'm in the same boat with my almost 8 mnth old. He cries if I put him in his playpen while I fold laundry. I go out one night a week, by myself with some of my girlfriends, and I leave him with his dad. His dad tells me that he cries the whole time and that nothing will soothe him or calm him down, until I walk in the door. I love my son, he's my whole world...but sometimes you just need some alone time. I don't know what to say to help you, other then the fact that he's gonna learn eventually. I let my son cry. I have so many things to do all day everyday, and do you know how hard it is to cook or clean the house holding a squirmy baby!! So I let him cry, it hurts my heart, but that's the only choice I have, he can see me no matter where I go in the house(my parent's house is very open) and I'll talk to him when I walk out of the room, so that he knows I'm still nearby. Let daddy start giving him baths and feeding him. That way he'll know that he can rely on daddy too. It'll give you a few minutes of quite time and it'll help him and his dad become closer. Robert(my fiance) is trying to do this more often and it's really starting to work. I can leave for a few hours and he's fine, I started leaving him with his dad for an hour at a time, I'm up to 3 hrs!!

I don't know how he's going to act on Sat since we are going to an auntion house from 9 am till 4, and I have to leave him with his grandma.

Good luck!

I have to say the only thing that will work is for you to start leaving him with people. He may cry but will get use to it if it becomes a routine. Simple things like going to the grocery store and leaving him with your husband while you do it. He may cry but he has to see for himself that nothing bad will happen if he stays with someone other than you. That's what I did with my daughter and it worked. I did it sooner than you did because I had to. I'm also a stay at home mom now. At the time I did it I was working and she was very young.

Hi J.,
I was in a similar situation. My kids are 15 months apart. When my oldest, was 13 months old, he too had serious separation anxiety. You just have to work with him. Try to teach him now how to play alone (not leaving him alone, just having him play on his own and you just watchin from afar). This will help him realize that you are there or you will come back. Also try leaving the room saying "mommy will be back soon" and come back in 5 min, then 10. You can be watching in the monitor (of course make sure he's in a safe room where he can't get hurt). This way, when it's time for you to deliver, he won't be as "attached as he is now". Besides, by the time you deliver, he will be 17 months. As for when your little one comes along, I think that your son might still be young enough not to be too jealous, at least, mine wasn't. All he does now is whine a little or act out a little when I'm feeding or nursing his little sister (who's now 4 months) just because he knows I can't "stop" and go to him. It's gotten better with time. Be patient, and you'll see it will work out. HTH,
C.

My 13 month old is doing the same things. If I even walk in a direction that is away from him he screams. But he is my 4th so I know this will pass.

When you leave him with dad or your friend; does he see you leave? Or is he happily distracted when you walk out the door? Every child is different, but for some it really is better to sneak out. My little guy freaks out if he sees me leave. But when I sneak out my husband says he is usually fine. Especially if he's doing someting he really likes. (Sneaking out would never have worked with my oldest.)
Just remember he will have grown up quite a bit by the time baby comes.
Do you really have to stay at the hospital 3 days?
my first two were 17 months apart and so when I was in the hospital we let her fall asleep there in the hospital bed with me and then they took her to grandmas house. That made me feel better. I couldn't stand the thought of her screaming her self to sleep, or worse, screaming all night. This way worked out fine.
Good luck !

first off, congratulations! as far as your little one, what i did with mine was let him cry. right now, he knows that you will come running as soon as he cries or if he cries long enough. he knows how to push your buttons. i would start watching suppernanny. it is a GREAT show. even my 10 year old watches it with me so he can try new things with his 3 year old devil brother. lol

it will be hard to let him cry but get a pair of ear plugs, put them in, tell him it is mommies time for some peace, give him something to play with, nap time, or even an educational or fun movie and make that his personal time for him to relax. it wont happen overnight, it took mine about 2 months to realize that it was not going to work anymore but it did. you can also try a part time day care or play dates somewhere that is understanding of your situation with him. he will be fine and a little crying never hurt anyone. good luck let us know how it goes. just remember, you can do this and you will.

oh, as far as the new baby goes, let him be a part of it, shopping for clothes and toys and feeding and the whole nine yards. he will feel like the big brother. if he will sit for book time, there are wonderful books you can get. i did that with my kids. i have 2 boys, 10 and 3 and then 6 months after having my 3 year old i was prego with my twin girls that are now 2. it made a hugh difference having the other kids help. even nicholas that at the time was just over a year. good luck again, B. sahm 10,3,2,2.

Your friend is right. A good friend of mine went through this exact same thing. They got a babysitter for one night a weeek and they would go out, not far from home but to dinner and it worked. Her daughter eventually learned that its OK for mommy and daddy to go out, because they always came back home! Listen to your friend, and once a week leave him with her or someone else you trust and in not time this will all be better. Hey it's great for you too! You need a break and some alone time with adults!

Hope this helps!

K. L.
www.abbabyboutique.com

You're right, you need to get this worked out before baby #2 or you will have a very mad big brother! You mentioned that this is a recent change, did anything change in his routine?

Be firm with him and work in small steps in terms of being out of sight from him, bathroom, etc. If you cave when he cries for these things or for other things he asks for he will think if he cries long enough you will come pick him up/come back,etc (basically crying=get my way)

Your friend staying with him may help, but at his age he may need something more regular. Can dad have bathtime or playtime with him every evening?

Whatever you do be sure to explain it to him first and be kind he's not doing it on purpose! Check out the book Positive Discipline: the First Three Years by Jane Nelson on how to be firm without punishing. I have used some of her other books and they are excellent.
http://www.empoweringpeople.com/store/page12.html

Keep searching and you'll find what works for your family!
A.

At a year old...he is SUPPOSED to be (overly) attached to momma. I'd worry if he were six and doing this. I don't mean to sound harsh.

In my (and I'll admit limited) experience, children go though a stage where they favor one parent over another. that could be why your little one cries even when left with dad.

My daughter will say by to daddy and her big brother (12) when they leave.. tell them that she will miss them and get hugs and kisses. ME>>> she pitches a fit, cries and we have to peel her off of me sometimes so I can go to dialysis.

A little about me:
SAHM of a 12yr old (fulltime step) and 4.5yr old. Im disabled and go to dialysis 3x a week. I also homeschool both kids.

Awhile back, I babysat for a counsin's child with the same issues. Pauly was about 2 years old and would stand at the window and watch his mom drive away in the car, crying histerically. Unfortunately kids at this age don't have any concept of time. What we did, is took a whole day and we started with driving away and coming back in 5 minutes. During that 5 minutes I asked Pauly what he wanted to play? He went and got a toy and we sat on the floor, away from the window, and played. He was still a bit whiny and teary but when and I kept assuring him that mommy would be home really soon and that when she did come home he should run and give her a big hug. When we heard the car door shut, I made it a big deal that mommy was home (so it would be like playing a game) We increased the time in 5 minute increments, of course we waited about an hour between leavings and before you knew it it was a whole hour. Also you need to tell your child you are leaving, give him a big hug and kiss and tell him you want him to be a big boy and play until mommy gets back. (Now don't think the child did not cry at all) He would cry until mommy's car was out of site, then he would wipe his tears take my hand and we would go play and everything would be fine. After awhile he would listen for the car door or the garage door open and look at me with his mouth in the uh-oh shape and say mommys home with a smile from ear to ear.
I hope I have explained this well. Not easy to do in an email. If it works, I'd like you to write me back and tell me.
Good luck !!!

Well, that's one thing I never had trouble with. My Son has always gotten 1 hour of alone playtime in his room every day since he was old enough to play. We also play peekaboo all the time, and I always found a reason for him to go out with other people, even just on rides to the store and such. In your case, I'd definately find him a play group, take him to a park during heavy toddler traffic time, go visiting and leave him in happy places for a bit. Start out small, like 5 minutes away and then there you are again, and I know this may sound kinda harsh, but don't act like you're ecstatic to see him upon your return, act like its a normal every day thing. as soon as his 'sitters' start to report that he is not crying and screaming, increase the time gradually, and do something fun with him when he behaves, nothing extravagant, just something liked, ex: if he comes to enjoy playing with lids in the park, take him to play for a little while after he has been good away from you, so that when he is bad, then he doesn't get to go play, you see ? If you keep giving him what he wants (your constant company) then he will have control of you, and he'll know and use that as he grows older. Just don't give up, keep on trying, develop a system and never deviate, and before you know it, it'll be commonplace for you to leave him for some time and the fits will stop. I hope this helps !!!

how about trying a play group. I like oyur friends idea of leaving him for a houra week. but maybe you should try a hours everyother day. best wishes and good luck