My nine year old yelled at me this morning. She said there is no Santa and If I don't tell her the truth, she will tell her friends at school and they will tell their moms and their moms will tell them the truth. She says Santa doesn't bring the presents, her mom and dad do. I told her i believe in the spirt of santa and christmas. I didn't tell her he wasn't real or fake (as she says). But I was saved by the bus coming. I am really sad and don't know what to do. Please help.
Tell her the same thing my parents told me- if you don't believe he won't come. I am almost thirty and the mother of two and he still comes for me too! Make it a "grown up" decision for her. And walk out of the room. This may work or completely backfire. Please don't hate me if it backfires! :-)
Carlina,
I think your daughter is giving you a great opportunity to establish your future relationship. This is your chance to prove to her that you'll truthfully answer her questions--no matter how uncomfortable you feel or your desires to keep her young. in just a few years, she'll either be coming to you w/ questions regarding sexuality or she'll go to her friends. if she knows that her mom will give her a straight answer, then she'll trust you w/ other things.
also, it might be beneficial for her to hear the truth behind the myth of santa aka saint nicholas. i'd get a book about it (or look it up on the internet if she's into that). then you can explain to her how saint nicholas's story has turned into the story of santa.
i've been a teacher of 8/9 year olds for 7 years now and i'd advice your telling her the truth, as there aren't many kids at school her age who do still believe in santa.
good luck!
this parenting thing sure isn't easy!!!
tell her the truth, i'm actually worried because my 8 year old still believes and i think he is to old to, and i love christmas, but if she is old enough to ask then she ahs a right to know, you don'tahve to tell her santa is fake, the idea of santa is very real, but he isn't the one bringing presents, and that is what she wants to know, so i say sit ehr down and tell ehr, explain the spirit of christmas and why we choose to beleive in santa and act accordinly and why we let others beleive in him as well, if she goes and does what she threatened you might end up with some ticked off parents. good luck.
Do -you- believe in Santa? Not just the spirit of Santa and Christmas, but Santa?
Impart your beliefs to your children. She's old enough to understand that Santa is a symbol for something lovely, and something we should work for, and she's also old enough to understand what symbolism is.
Meg's advice was great.
I guess I have a different outlook on this sort of stuff. I have told my children I would never lie to them, and so I explained the concept of Santa to them early on. I tried to get them to feel they were "in on" the deception, but it was all in fun. Kids know about pretending, so it wasn't much of a jump.
When I was little I remember finding out that Santa was not real and feeling very betrayed. I went on to question all the things I believed in, including if God was real.
It took me a long time to trust anyone after that, which is why I believe that honesty is the most important quality a person can have.
It seems that when you think of your children as individuals, rather than "your child", it is easier to see the qualities you want help them to develop.
I love the end of the polar express book for this reason. As said by others there's a real spirit in Christmas. The spirit of giving and showing how much we care for each other. We live out that spirit and call it Santa. Each of us has a turn to be Santa, each of us can give someone in need, someone we love, or a completely stranger something during the holiday season. In doing so, we live out the spirit of Santa. When I found out about Santa, my mom helped me buy one extra gift that year. It could be for anyone I wanted to give it go. I wrapped it up, my mom found out when they wouldn't be home, I took it to their house, with only their name on it, and left it on the porch. Learning that sometimes giving doesn't have to be a known thing to anyone buy yourself, showed me what the spirit of Christmas was all about. Since then, I've learned to enjoy more about giving and seeing peoples faces when they open their gifts, than I do about what I'm going to get. It's a great time to teach a wonderful thing, and start a new tradition!
My 10 year old did the same thing last year. I told her if she doesn't believe then she gets nothing from Santa. Then I picked a movie about Santa that I thought best fit our story and watched it with her. We discussed it and now she held on a little longer. Now she gets the spirit of Santa and really hasn't questioned it at all this year. I think the most important thing is to not lie while trying to get her to believe.
It sounds like she is frustrated by teh fact that you don't want to be straight with her. She just wants some validation to what she suspects. Just tell her, "Well, it makes me sad that you are so grown up, but it's true that Santa is not real." Then you could explain about the real Saint Nicholas and where Santa came from. Then tell her she has to not spoil it for those who are younger and still believe. Then enjoy your not-so-little girl. :)
I think I was nine when I learned the truth
I felt lied to
I didn't like it
there were still gifts marked "from Santa" after I knew
It really wasn't much different
AS a mom - we have not taught that there IS a Santa -- you don't need to teach that - nor go along with it - society teaches all that. (I did go along with "Santa" for our first child and feel guilty about lieing to her)
What is the TRUE meaning of CHRISTmas??? We need to make sure everyone who we love knows the REAL meaning of CHRISTmas!
Ask me if you have any questions
Have a Blessed Day
My three children are 12, 6, and almost 4 years old and we have NEVER "taught" them about Santa. I strongly disagree with perpetuating a myth that will inevitably leave your children feeling lied to when they find out the truth. Our children know that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are just fun stories and "games" that some parents play with their children until their children are old enough to figure out the "game". We strongly discourage them from ruining the "game" for the kids whose parents play.
We talk a lot about the importance of doing for others during the Christmas season and that giving and sharing are much more important than receiving. Each year, for our close friends and family, we do a Christmas gift craft project that involves our children in the act of giving in a way that simply going out and buying gifts does not. You can call it the "spirit of Santa" if you wish. The most important thing of all is that as parents we teach our children the values and character traits we wish to see grow in our children. In our household, we prioritize BEING examples of those characteristics ourselves over upholding the myth of Santa as the example.
I will say, if your child is old enough to question "Santa" and ask the questions, she is old enough to get straight answers. You will not build any trust if you lie to her about something that is really very insignificant in the "big picture". You are really only a few years away (at most) from really needing her to believe that you will tell her the truth when she asks you questions. It's hard to believe the questions we've already had to answer for our 12 year old daughter.
However you choose to handle it, good luck!
At 9 your daughter is probably old enough to know the truth about Santa, but this doesn't mean her whole world has to come crashing down around her. Tell her that Santa isn't necessarily one person; rather he is a part of all of us. He lives in our hearts, and helps us spread the joy and spirit of Christmas. Tell her that you still believe in the spirit of Santa because there are just too many Christmas miracles that have no other explanation. (I feel this way. Don't you?) Treat this as a sort of "right of passage", and let her know that she now shares the fun & responsibility of perpetuating Santa's story with younger children (including her friends that still believe in him). Then, on Christmas morning, put a candy cane on her pillow, and SWEAR that you didn't put it there. :)
Merry Christmas!
She is 9 years old and it is time to tell her the truth. Yes, you can tell her that you believe in the spirit of Santa, but the truth needs to come out. If she is questioning the myth, then she is old enough to hear the truth.
hope this helps.
R.
Hi, Carlina --
That's such a tough one. I don't know how I will navigate through that when my daughter is old enough to ask that question, but I can tell you of my own experience as a Santa believer...
My parents made Santa very very real for me... and I trusted them implicitly, to the point that I was still believing in and defending Santa until I was in 6th grade. My grandmother called my Mom on Christmas day that year and basically insisted that she tell me the "truth." That day was one of the all-time worst days of my entire life. I am now on the verge of 37, and that day still ranks with my worst heartbreaks and most harrowing professional stresses and disappointments.
I happened to be talking with my doctor just yesterday about how she was handling the conversation with her daughters, who are 11 and 13. She said that she is happy for them to believe as long as they would like to believe and that she will not force them to give up on Santa. She says, by this time, she assumes they know that the physical Santa Claus is not real, but there's still some element of mystery and magic to him.
My feeling is that if she really believes already that there is no Santa, it's probably a good idea to tell her the truth, so that she will continue to know that she can rely on you when she really wants truth (she seems to be demanding it). However, if it were me, I'd deliver the truth with a little dose of magic - or, at least, the promise that she will be a big enough girl to NEVER spoil Santa for someone who does still believe. Despite the fact that I am now a mom and I know that Santa doesn't physically visit, I still hold, in the back of my mind, a bit of belief that he's somehow real... infusing the world with a charitable spirit it would not otherwise have.
Santa is a wonderful ideal, and I think you should enlist your daughter to be one of Santa's helpers -- to do good and keep that spirit going as if Santa himself will pay a visit. I'm sure it's a sad and hard thing to have to do as a parent, and it was one of the harshest realizations for me as a child. But I think you can tell your daughter the truth in a way that lets her know how much you love her and that also leaves a little mystery in it for her... like "Just because we've never seen him doesn't mean that he doesn't exist. Maybe he just knows that we have all we need and he's needed more elsewhere..." I think she will believe what you believe.
I wish you the best luck, from the bottom of my heart,
H.
