Help with 3 Misbehaved Children

My mom is a screamer . . . my brother and I used to expect them to get a divorce always - the screaming was every day . . . we tried to avoid going home until the last possible minute . . . we counted the years until we were 18 and both of us moved as far as we possibly could - other states, across the country.


I learned from my mom what not to do because I now have a daughter and she's 7yrs old. So, I praise her when I catch her doing something good and never yell - I'm not a yeller . . . my daughter is a good kid. I also don't pick on every little thing that she does and try to let her be a kid but within the proper boundaries - she has manners, etc.

It might help to take them to a family councilor. You're not a bad mommy, you're just stressed out. Find a good balance where you can have time to yourself and family time. Try to catch yourself before you burst into screaming mommy mode, and correct it by putting yourself on time out to think about what you're really mad about. Find an appropriate punishment for whatever each child has done wrong. Put your foot down and don't go back on anything you've made a rule. Don't break your own rules. Plus it helps if you and your husband are a united front. Children are good at finding holes in your defense.

It might do you some good to buy a few books on discipline. My fave is "How to behave so your preschooler will too"
http://www.howtobehave.com/aboutbook.html
It's good for all ages, he goes though quite a few different situations and it's filled with humor. You can still turn this around it just takes some time and lost of understanding.

Good Luck!!

K., I feel for you! I dont' have marvelous advice for you, because I only have one child so far, but I am also a teacher (and so is my husband) so we've come across just about every type of child imaginable. My #1 advice would be to be consistent--- never, ever say you're going to do something and then not do it (like, if you tell your child if he's going to his room if he does X, then you have to make him go-- if you say you're going to turn the car around and go home, do it-- my mom did that to us exactly once and we never fought in the car again!). Also, there are some great books out there-- one I like that I can deal with is 1-2-3 Magic. Obviously, you have to read it and use what works for you, but it's a pretty good, practical plan for discipline. And if you ever just need to vent.... I'm at ____@____.com luck!

Get the book 123 Magic... It works, well, alot like Magic! I use it on my Two year old (soon to be three) And it is a GOD SEND!! I hope it can help!! Good luck!

K.,

I admire you for opening up and asking others for advice. You obviously love your children and are concerned and want to make a change. It is NOT to late to change your discipline ways or for your children to make changes, too!

Since you do have older children (10,8) it might be easier to have a conversation with them about changes you want to make in your family. One of the first things I would do is admit that the way you have talked to them isn't what is best and that you want to be a better Mommy to them. I would develop a list of rules you would like to have in the house (ie: no yelling or screaming at each other, follow directions, simple chores each one must do, etc). Think about what you want your house to be like and make the rules accordingly (even bedtimes for example). Even your 4 year old will be able to adapt.

Then after you post a family rule chart, you also have to have consequences to follow if the children "break a rule." This may include taking away favorite toys, losing privleges, etc. The four year old might be a good candidate for "time out." If the kids know what you want the house to be like and know consequences it gives the a sense of security. Now they might not like it at first, but if you stick to your guns and you model the good behavior (like talking in a firm, but respectful voice) then the children have a better chance of following your lead.

If you can, have the children involved in making the house rules so they feel a sense of ownership in it. You will also have to have a LOT of praise for when they answer you respectfully, do what is expected, etc. They need to hear what they did specifically that was good. Ex: Sarah, I LOVE how you set the table without arguing with me. Wow, I'm really proud of your good choices! Thank you!" (Big hug could follow).

It is very hard not to lose your patience with three children, but the fact that you want to make a change, is HUGE! Best of luck!

Children pick up our stress.... my 6 year old does. However my advice to you would be to look at your children's diet. I have found that my child responds out of control to different foods... such as colored items....skittles, cereals...etc. We have eliminated the following from her diet:

sugar snacks of any kind
juices that are not 100%...look at the label for hidden sugars
colored foods such as cereals, fruit snacks, candy...etc..
wheat products
no sodas or drinks...such as koolaid

other items that cause behaviors are nuts and chocolate.

There is a class that my daughter in law teaches called Love and Logic... see if you have one in your area.

Blessings,

G.

First of all, STOP SCREAMING! It is not helping the children act better and it is like you said, teaching them to scream. Plus it gives you a headache and raises your blood pressure.

First of all, what are you screaming at them about? Are you asking them to do things that are beyond their capability? Next, are they just reflecting YOUR actions? My daughter is strong-willed and so is my husband. He would yell at her until I pointed this out to him. Now he understands and can relate.

You are going to have lay down the law. I personally would find out what each child's favorite toy, activity, etc. is and tell them if they don't behave that will be taken away for a certain amount of time and STICK TO IT. Don't make the threat and let them get away with it "Just this time." Also, make the punishment fit the crime. Don't put them on restrictions for a three months because they took out the garbage 5 minutes after you asked instead of immediately. Also, don't let this be your only form of punishment, but I believe this is a good start.

It will be very hard at first, but once you have established your credibility, then you will find it easier. It's not too late. It will just be harder because the kids are used to having things go their way. If you keep it up and don't back down then you should be ok. And STOP SCREAMING!

I understand your fustration. I have a 9 year old daughter with ADHD and a 5 year old daughter too. I often find myself yelling and getting fustrated. I did try the 1-2-3 magic program. I checked out the audio-tapes from the public library. It really is effective, when I remember to use. Sometimes, I have to catch myself and remember not to yell. The kids really do seem to respond to it. The theory behind it, is to stop the yelling.

I'm ready to listen if you ever need support!

Hhi K.. I feel your pain!! Or should I say Frustration!! I have three myself. All 6 and under. It gets pretty crazy around here!!
I was raised in an environment where yelling was a common occurance. As was my Husband. When we decided to bring a child into our lives, we also vowed to raise them without yelling. We have both come close to breaking that vow. For me, when I am ready to pull out my hair in frustration, if I am at home, I do scream and make silly sounds. Not at them, but just in general. My three look at me like I have gone completely crazy!! They get real quite and try to figure out what is going on. My oldest asked me once was I sick. I told him that I was sick of telling them over and over about something. I did this about three or four times, and my oldest has figured out that when Mommy screams, he is doing something he shouldn't and quickly finds the problem.
Another moethod that works for me is music. Espicially in the car. If they are fighting each other or yelling at each other, I turn on the CD player and turn up the volume. Then I start singing along but making up silly words. They start ganging up on me and telling me that I am embarassing them or they start laughing at me. It is a good frustration relief for us all.
My methods I know may not work for you. You are the only one that can decide what does. With school looming in the near future for you, things are going to get more frustrating for you. I hope that you can find a mothod that works for you soon and can finish your education. If you ever need an ear to gnaw- email me- I check email daily and will always listen- ____@____.com. I am also on yahoo messenger. Being a kid is tough, a Mommy even tougher. Take care and remember- sometimes we all need to go play. Relax and enjoy your three kiddos, they will be gone soon enough and be wrapped up in their own lives.Good Luck!!!