Help w/SD

How old is she and when did you have the baby? It seems like she thinks now that you two have a child together that you won't care about her as much anymore. I would try to get her involved with the new baby as much as possible. It's her sibling. If she becomes involved with the new child maybe she won't resent him or her so much. I would recommend doing it as a family though, so it's clear that you are all a family unit and the everyone is an important member. Don't just make it about her bonding with the baby, make it about doing things together as a family. Humor is always an icebreaker. If she's acting like a little brat, try to get her to laugh. It's hard to be angry and depressed when someone makes you laugh.

Right now she is hurt and angry over the baby and she's holding on to it because she doesn't know what else to do. Even if she is a teen, she's still a child and those feeling are very big for a young person.

She also has past abandonment issues with her bio mom. So there are a whirlwind of feelings coming though and she's directing it at you.

Some stepkids rationalize that if the stepmom weren't in the picture, their parents would be "happily married." So they direct their anger at their stepmoms (or dads).

First--let go of the little things. Who cares about a light? She's deliberately picking fights. You can just let things go. Anything she can pick a fight about she will. So just let things go.

Another thing you can do is LET HER BE MAD. See, when a child is angry at you they will automatically do the opposite of whatever you want. The solution is to let a child be mad. You can go up to her and say "I understand you are angry at me, for whatever reason. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, and when you're done being angry I'll still be here. Anytime you want to talk, let me know."

Then just let her be mad. IGNORE IT. Not in a mean way where you deliberately avoid them (like you would ignore a temper tantrum) but just make no comment. Go about your life. If she wants to sit in the other room and not talk to you, let her do it. Stop trying to get her to talk to you.

Be nice to her like you normally would, though. So if you need her to do something, you can ask her to do it. I'm not saying ignore her to be mean, I'm saying to let her be mad. There is a difference.

The minute you stop "chasing" after her by trying to talk to her or getting upset, that's when her game of being mad no longer serves a purpose. And it will stop. Then you welcome her back.

Ever argue with someone? The more they argue back, the more you argue back. But as soon as they give up and say "oh, you're right" the game of arguing ends.

I know this works because I use it all the time. My SD gets mad, so she will argue or do the opposite of everything you say. My husband can't stand her being upset, so he will try to talk to her or do nice things to her to get her to not be mad. That just makes it WORSE! The minute he gives up and says "okay, go ahead and be mad" that's when 5 minutes later she is her C. self again. What good is a game if no one will play?

So, stop playing her game. First you have to get her to stop playing the "I'm mad at you" game before you can get to the root of any issues. Once she's done playing, I guarantee you'll be able to talk to her.

I wish you luck! And yes, years down the road she will see her mistakes and you'll have a better relationship.

Good luck!

ETA I forgot to mention that she may turn up the drama when she sees that what she's doing has no effect. So be prepared. What I do is ignore it. If she can't speak to me in a respectful way, then I'm not hearing. I don't argue or ask for her to speak respectfully, I just ignore. You'll actually know it's working if she turns up the drama. The calmer you handle it, the faster she will blow up--and then fizzle out.

you do the same you;d do for your biological daughter if she acted that way

i never understand why people make it a point to say its their step daughter in these kind of questions. she's your daughter same as your other. she's a child...seems like maybe a teen or pre teeen now. you still say i love you even if she doesnt say it back and you still give her rules even if she hates you for them
you still sit down with her and talk and try and figure out how to fix things and at the very least let her know you love her
you still plan activities for her and you and try and get her on board to attend and have alone time

i dont know...i'm on the other side. i have a daughter and she will one day be a step daughter and i hope they J. treat her like a daughter

If this behavior began around the time she turned 13, I would say that what you are experiencing is relatively normal teen behavior. I don't know how long ago you had your baby, but I don't think what she did then (also normal for children who feel "displaced"), is related to her current behavior, which is probably largely attributable to hormones.

All my children went through a phase, after puberty hit, where they could barely stand being in the same room with me. There was a limit to how disrespectful they were allowed to be, but they all did the same kinds of things as you are describing your SD doing. As they matured, they grew out of it. I noticed the same thing with all of their friends. Girls usually start becoming pleasant again sometime after 16 and boys usually take a little longer, maybe 18 or so.

I wouldn't have believed in the teenager thing if I hadn't seen my daughter go through it, who since the moment of her birth had always been the sweetest, sunniest person ever. Happily, she's sweet and sunny again.

The one thing that is really important during this time is that you and dad are on the same page. If the two of you, in a united front, demand a modicum of respect and kindness from your teen, you will get it. If you are not united, the teen behavior will be worse and it will go on longer, as your SD plays the two of you against each other. My husband wanted to be their buddy vs. their parent, so I was placed in the position of the bad guy. We are now in counseling and I am working to forgive him.

So make sure your husband is on your side, so you can still be attracted to him once this rollercoaster ride is over. What Heidi said.

Absolutely you still get her presents. You are the adult. Spite is not the answer.

How old is she? Hard to answer without knowing...

You need to talk to your husband. And you both need to sit down with her and let her know her behavior is not acceptable. and he needs to let her know ya'll are united and not baby her. There is no reason for him to tell you you can't turn the light off after she leaves the room and honestly you should be able to tell her to turn it off herself. If you don't stand together she will manipulate him every time. I have seen it happen with my niece my sister in law was always afraid to say anything to her and she was around from when she was little too. It did not turn out well!!!! I would even suggest family counseling.

Good luck and God Bless!

How old is she?

You need to talk to your husband and come up with a game plan to help your SD. The fact that she is going to your husband trying to get him to do the opposite of what you are doing (leaving the lights on when you're shutting them off) tells me that she's not thinking rationally, she's just interested in control. Very unhealthy.

The bottom line is that your husband should be working with you. And you and your husband both need to sit down with your SD and figure out just WTH her problem is so you can fix it. Honestly, she sounds to me like she needs a firm talking-to from her daddy about how she is to treat his WIFE and few swats on her snooty little bum.

ETA: You need to GET hubby on board. It doesn't matter which child he favors more. You are HIS WIFE and his daughter is not being respectful of that relationship. Shoot...your HUSBAND isn't being respectful of that relationship.

Sounds like it's time to take this to your pastor.

You don't say how old she is now...

Just keep doing what you're doing. The reward will come when she's older. She will love you and she will feel horrible about the way she treated you. She will KNOW you love her unconditionally and she will get a sense of security from that. Even now, she knows you love her. She may not think she wants you to love her, but she knows you do.

How old is she?

ETA: I would look into some family counseling. Life, and childhood in particular, is too short for her to be carrying around this resentment. The armchair psychologist in me says that she resents being abandoned by her mother and is directing those negative feelings towards you.

Family therapy will help her to identify her true feelings, get down to the root of them, and process them so that she can move past them and move forward to having healthy relationships. Her feelings are toxic to her and to you and the rest of your family. Not all counseling is an open-ended, forever kind of arrangement. This is probably something that a good counselor can help her work through in a few months. It has worked wonders for the relationships between my husband and son (step relationship) and my step--daughter and the rest of the family (she was abandoned by her mom 2 years ago at age 13 and has lived with us since).

ETA: @ Just M., being abandoned by her birth mother is a pretty big part of the background and probably a big part of the current problem. That's why "step" is important - it's not a dirty word.

Hi Micky,

If I'm doing the math right, it sounds like your SD is about 14 or 15 and the baby's around 18 months to two years. It sounds to me like she's acting like a typical teenage girl. At this age, kids are "ideating", that is, they're trying to pull away from their parents and figure out who they are as an independent adult (even though they're not really there yet!). This stage can be very difficult for a lot of teens and their parents to go through. Although it may not have anything thing to do with the step relationship, you (and she) may be more sensitive about it because of the step relationship. On top of all this, your SD was an only child for at least 10 years. Adding a new baby into the mix could very well make her feel like she's being pushed aside or replaced, and is a normal sibling rivalry type of reaction.

It may be difficult, but find a way to carve out some time for just the two of you once a week. No baby -- get a sitter or leave the little one with your DH or the grandparents. Tell her this is your time together to have a girl's day/night out, and let her choose an acceptable activity (movie, lunch/dinner, shopping, beach, whatever). It doesn't have to be costly; my daughter and I used to have fun just walking around the mall and getting free facials, hand massages, and browsing around in the different cosmetics stores -- her thing, not mine, but we had such a good time just hanging out, it didn't matter. We also would do things like take a couple of mats outside and lay out to stare at the stars and chat. I also made a point of attending anything she was active in at school, like sports, theater, and dance. BUT, do not spend this time talking to her about how she treats you or what you expect from her. Make this time as pleasant as possible, even she's being difficult or hateful. Try to get her to talk about what's going on in her life. You can try to get her to open up by telling her about what things were like for you when you were her age, even if they weren't the best. Ask her leading questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Make a game of it if you can. If she does say something that's deliberately hurtful, however, you can tell her that she's hurt you and made you sad. Ask her to be honest with herself and think about how she would feel if someone said something similar to her. Tell her that she doesn't need to answer you -- but she does need to think about it for herself. This will keep her from feeling like she's being reprimanded or put on the spot.

She may resist at first, but if you have to, make the first "date" an ultimatum --something along the lines of "I really miss spending time with just you, so we're going!" Hopefully after a while, she'll start to remember that you're her mom as well as her friend, and the relationship will improve. Expect it to take time, though, and know that this phase can last for years. Most kids DO out grow this phase as they mature into their later teens and 20s.