That's a hard one to deal with. I think you're right. She most certainly has the right to know however you should know who the bio-dad is first! You can't tell her this kind of news and not know yourself. That just sets up a completely insecure--unstable situation. I've been on both sides of the coin here. My mother (never married the man) met someone when I was two after my parents were divorced and they never really quite came out and said it...I figured it out before I was five. After confronting the situation--I felt better but I also felt separate. I didn't feel a part of the whole, if you know what I mean. I have two younger siblings who were the bio children to him and my mom and we are closer than close. We don't think of being HALF siblings. It's usually ignorant family members (outside the nuclear)or unprofessional people or mean kids outwardly stating the obvious different names etc. that makes your body cringe when you witness it. I was 21 when I had my first child and how he came to be well...it's the classic tale...a bad choice night during college years of life. I didn't exactly KNOW who either. I had the tests done before my son reached 5 months. So that was always there--the knowing. I raised him by myself for a couple of years and met a man (whom I'm married to today). In the beginning he was called by his first name by my son which changed to daddy within the first year. My son also figured it out EARLY. Why is my last name different? Is the No. 1 question. I told him that it was my maiden name (which it is) and he was fine with that. Then the bio-grandma comes around a couple of times a year (Christmas and birthday) I was freaked out for the first 4 years but I've since mellowed way out and realized that she just wants to be a part of his life and it's a blessing to have people love your children. They should have as much as possible--always. But the families should have a choice too. It's just not fair otherwise...to the child. My husband is trying to ADOPT my son--so we can unify our family--no more different name thing. But my son is so excited! I've explained it to him like this (the different DAD thing):
You have half of mommy's DNA and half of my friend's DNA--and that makes up what you look like and You have ALL of mommy and ALL of Daddy that makes up your insides! And he was totally cool with that. I never for a second separated the situation. Like he's here because we all had a part in his beautiful creation. Which in fact...we did! My son hasn't had his name changed yet but he writes his new name with such pride. I can't wait for the official situation to happen.
My step dad tried (not well enough)to make me feel like I was a part of the whole...It never worked. Mainly because it was verbal and not really much of anything else. He would go and support my younger siblings at all school events and only attended a couple in my entire school career. My parents didn't even attend my high school graduation. The point of telling this is so that whatever excuses people try to use to NOT follow through with being a parent--the part to remember it's not a JOB--it's something that you're willing to do 100% of the time because you want to! Because you love your family!
My STEP dad and my mother had a very rough 25 years together. They NEVER married. They separated 3 years ago. I haven't spoken to him in 2 years. It was the hardest thing for me to go through in my adult life--their break up but to top it all off the realization that he NEVER really did care for me like I was his own flesh and blood and his grandson's don't mean anything to him after all. Well it was a wake up call! I felt like I had literally LOST a parent. My younger siblings say "my dad" now when they refer to him and his new found family.
I say "your dad" too. It breaks my heart over and over again.
Be very careful here with your daughter. Girls and dads...that's supposed to be THE key relationship in a woman's life.
Ever try just being single for a while?
~E