Help Please - Cody,WY

Hi C.,
I work with Developmentally Disabled Adults and I hear ya on not wanting to put her anywhere. What I would do is learn as much as you can about her disability and ways you can help her. You can visit and get ideas from maybe the disability office, her doctor, the place where you had her for 3 weeks.

You can email me anytime and I can see what information I can get for you. I would need to know if there is any other diagnosis besides Mild MR and what are the behaviors she is displaying and we could go from there.

____@____.com
L. Shipley
Missoula, MT

You did not say how hold your daughter is but there are many services out there to help you. You should contact the Developmental Disabilities Services through Health and Welfare. You daughter might qualify for Developmental therapy or Intensive Behavioral Services and both of these could work with her in your home, school, daycare or their center. You should also contact a developmental pediatrician. Dr. Leveall and Dr. Felix are both with St. Lukes Developmental Pediatrics and are excellent. If your daughter is less than 3, she could be assessed by the Infant and toddler program. The school district also assess and offers services. Good luck and hang in there.

Hi I'm A. I would keep her away from Red Dye things like black liquorish has Red dye in it but Chocolate liquorish doesn't Kool- Aid has red die in it but Capri Sun doesn't. She can still have the same things just diffrent brands and soemtimes it cost a little more but belive me it is worth it. Red Dye interacts with a cimical in there brain. I have a son that has ADHD and Bi-Polar after I took him off red dye, he was like a difrent kid. If he had it in school boy I new. I don't know if this will work the same with your daughter but it is worth a try. this does not include things like shampoo that has red dye in it. only things she eats. Soon you will be the Red dye Queen like me.

Hi C.! I'm glad you're questioning the placement facility. Since your daughter has been diagnosed as mild mentally retarded, I can't see why she shouldn't be integrated into a neighborhood school. If your community is too small to accomodate her, there may be other alternatives. The bottom line (and I'm speaking as a former special programs administrator) is that she, like ALL children, is entitled to FAPE (free and public education) according to federal law. If I were in your shoes, I'd be talking to the school district office and/or special education coordinator or administrator often to get to the bottom of why they think she should be away from home. Additionally, they should have suggestions for you to try at home. If you feel that you may not be up to the task, you can also look for a special education advocate in your area (they'll often travel a ways). That is a person who has usually been through what you are dealing with, is not associated with any school, knows the laws and will stand up for your and your daughter's rights. They generally are interested in what's best for the child. In most cases, (especially when the problem is mild) the best place for the child is at home. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat more. Good luck.

If you can visit the facility where your daughter was staying, and get a feel what what they do, it maght give you a better understanding of how your parenting skills are different than what they were helping her with. Our kids are very challenging as it is, but when we add extra problems we get very frustrated, and its hard to follow the best plan for her. I know this is the case with me. I believe that you are a very powerful woman and can do anything with love.

What state are you in?

If you are in Idaho, email me! I have TONS of resources. I was a child developmental specialist and a service coordinator for children. There is no reason for your daughter to be in a facility.

If you are in another state, please feel free to email me anyway with specific questions. Your daughter is legally entitled to special education resources in the area including behavioral specialists, regardless of the state you are in.

Marci

I seen that my mom had responded to this. I delete a lot of mamasources I get but today I read the email and seen your question. It will be a year ago on August 15th that my sister died. She taught us so much and I do believe she had a hand in helping us see this request. When my parents had my sister there were a lot of people that told them to put her in a home. They said it would be to hard, to big of a burden on them and us kids.

If we wouldn't have had her I don't know what kind of person I would be. Keep her home and like my mom said find ways to get people to come to your home to help you. Find people that have children like you to talk with. Send a message to my mom and talk to her.

Take care and I hope you find the answers that you need. May you feel God's blessings in this little girl.

We kept our profoundly retarded daughter at home for 33 years. She died last year of complications of phenonia. I was her main teacher untill she went to school. Start with health and welfare. I had nurses and aids helping me. I took her to our local child development center and went to classes with her. She was in special education classes at school untill she was 21. Life was not easy; but it was worth it. I am happy she is now able to do all the things she couldn't before, but we miss her very much. I am very glad we took the road we did.

It is not 1908 it is 2008. Follow your heart you incredible mother. Check out services at a local children's hospital. She is young and yours! Love her wiht your whole heart and also delve into what the public schools can do for you...they ARE required to help. I didn't know there were even facilities any longer.

C.,
My heart goes out to you. I am the mother of 4, two of which have issues that require medication, therapy, support and lots of mom's emotional energy. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I'd like to ask a few questions before sharing my ideas. Please don't feel embarrassed to share as I'm sure I've heard worse. I'm a social worker and have expereinced many things over the past 14 years. I'd love to help if I can. Which daughter and age is she? Can she attend public school? What are the abnormal behaviors? Does she take any medication? Hope to hear back from you. If you would rather have a very private email about this you can email me directly at ____@____.com. T.

How old is your daughter? If she's under three, contact the Idaho Infant Toddler program. They can set you up with a service coordinator and therapists who have experience working with children with disabilities. My youngest son is visually impaired and they've been so helpful. You don't have to go through this alone.

How old is she. You said she was mildly mentally challenged. Which means this facility can teach you how to handle it from home. I don't see why you cannot take a training course for you and your family to help with the issues as they pop up. I cannot imagine putting a child away unless they were endangering yourself, themselves or the other children. You didn't go into detail on what the problems are so it is hard to say. I say check with the state, the facility and so on and find out what education you can get so at home you can give her the security and love she needs with the support for her disorder as well.

i would learn about what she is entitled to through special education at your local public school(and your son too). she is entitled to certain therapies and other services through the Idividuals with disabilities education act(IDEA).I am not sure how things run in your state so contact your local public school and see what they are willing to offer you(which is sometimes less that what they are required to offer), educate yourself on your daughters rights through this act, and ask you school for other agencies in the area that may be of service(preferably non-profits)

C., you certainly are going through a lot of trials. While you found the separation hard, I hope you will consider the help that is needed for your daughter. I have a niece who went through similar things with her daughter. She was in and out of homes for 8 years. However, most of this was due to her mom's interference with treatment plans. One home told my niece to take her daughter home, and good luck, because of her interfering with medications and counseling. Finally the daughter went to stay in a group home and her mom was not allowed to visit the first 6 weeks at all. Then her daughter had to "earn" telephone privledges as well as visiting time from her family. This was a big turning point for the family.
I hope things will go well. May you find the help and the peace you need. If possible, let us know how things go with you. There is hope out there, and there is help out there. You have to seek it, as it won't seek you.
Best of luck - D.

You sound like a really great mom!! Like the other response said to trust your gutt!! You are the mom and you need to remember that!! I am a mom of 4 (14--10--7--3) my 7 year old is mildy autistic......and i too was a parent who let him slide and gave him more lienency than the other children.. Not fair right!! Well little by little i decided to start to treat him the same as the others and he did understand what he was doing. So the more i let him get away with the little things the more he tried to get away with things bigger and bigger!! So here is something new to try!! Treat her somewhat the same way you treat the others. Maybe she went back to those behaviors because you allow it. But ther should be a consequence for misbehavior. Time out was what worked for me and my son. Have you applied for and recieved ssi or disability?? I haven't yet i hear it takes a long time and stress!! Good luck and god bless you and your family!!

I used to work with kids just like your daughter. I went into peoples homes to work with them though. Maybe you could look hiring a worker to be at your home in the mornings before school, and in the afternoons after school to be her shadow and work with her one on one. I did that with a 10 year old boy who had autism and we saw HUGE improvements. It was hard sometimes for the parents not to step in, but they liked it so much better than having him away from them. Just a thought...hope it helps!

I would find out how they helped with her behavior and reinforce that at home. Find some good books on parenting like Parenting with Love and Logic. The key is consistency. I could help if you wanted me to do research on some natural supplements that help with behavior.

My friend has an autistic daughter (severe). The entire neighbor has helped this family out and was trained on how to deal with her behaviors.
Children quickly learn behaviors that you allow in your home, the buttons you have, and are conditioned by the environment they are in. If they see tantrums being demonstrated in your home to get their way, or if they cry, if they fight, these things condition their behavior. You can never let an unwanted behavior go (ever!). Set a consequence for behaviors, and stick to it every time. If they think they can get away with it once, they will continue to try.
I am not sure of the area where you live, but there are support groups, and classes that are free or low fees offered by the state and local school districts. I would look into these resources as well.

Good Luck.

There are lots of options. Speak with a developmental specialist. Also, research the internet. My son does't have anything major. Autistic tendencies with possible ADHD. Probably nothing compared to you. But I did a lot of research on these things so that I could better handle them. The internet is a great source. The dr. should also be able to help you. Put your foot down, even to the dr., and go with what you think is best for her. Sometimes what is best for our children can be very difficult for us. Also, look into things like occupational therapy, behavior modification therapy, etc. There are many ways you can give her what she needs. Check with the state andschool district, see how they can help. However if she is violent and a danger to people, you might want to put her in a home for safety sake. My mother in law works in a home like this. The parents hate to do it, but in order to protect all thier children they have to. Research, research, reasearch. And then go from there, it is the best way to decide how to handle this situation. Good luck.

Well, depending on what type of behavior issue sshe has, i think you shuold go with your gut and not wanting to put her into a facility. This is not 1920, and now days you can have great success with inhome care. She might need someone to come in and help her with therapy, or you might need to devote alot of time to her; but if its something you want to do than you can. I think first of all you should find a support group of familie sthat have this type of retardation that your daughter has. You can benefit alot from that. Good luck, let me know how it goes

Check out www.interactivemetronome.com My mom works with it. The results are incredible. You don't mention the difficulties, but my mom has seen unbelievable changes, most of them permanent, in a lot of her students. I hope you get some answers and some peace.

is she a threat to the rest of the family? it really depends with what you're struggling with. if what she does doesn't harm or hurt anyone, find out what the first facility did to help her. she could also be bored and need extra attention. good luck and God bless you and your family.

I'm not experienced in mental retardation... at least not yet. But I can't imagine sending a child away to live somewhere else, no matter what the situation. You've probably already thought of this, but what came to mind was to find out what they did at the treatment center. How did they react to the different behaviors to try and get her under control or whatever. If you can mimic that at home with her yourself, maybe she won't need a center like that again. Just a thought. Good luck. I hope you find something that works.

HI,
I am hoping you live in Denver area, but here is a resource for you to start with. My daughter is recieving services from here. They offer a HUGE variety and range of services. The organization is DDRC (developmental disabalities resource center)in Lakewood CO. Start with them and ask where else to go for info and help. Below is the contact info. I have worked with them on a personl level and also a professional level. My thoughts are with you, and I hope you find what you need.
11177 West 8th Avenue, Suite 300
Lakewood, Colorado 80215
Phone: ###-###-####

I can truely relate. I have a son with severe special needs and he has been in a respite care center 4 times and currently resides in a live in center. At 14 he is just too much. He's bigger than I am. From experience I would suggest you do research on what is best for your daughter. My son is MUCH happier in his residential center than he was at home. He has more opportunities there than at home as well. I'm the one having the difficult time. If you decide that home is best then figure out what worked at the center and impliment it at home. There is no such thing as a "normal" household when you have a special needs child. When my son was home we had to have a strict schedule and a routine for everyone. We said no to events that we knew would be unsuccessful and had a limited number of understanding friends who knew that we would often cancel plans unexpectedly due to behavior issues. I would walk out of a store with a cart full of shopping if I had to. During this time I did have those that would say snide things but I got used to it and learned to make a safe circle around us. Even with all the restrictions we have a full life and wonderful memories. We are a closer family than many of our friends. There have been some reprecussions like our 12 year old isn't good at making friend from lack of oppotunity and he is a bit immature at some things although more mature in many ways like cooking and household chores. He's really good at implementing the safety plan so that I was free to deal with his brother so in an emergency he doesn't panic. My 4 year old is very shy although he may have been anyway.
Try to find others in a similar situation as yours and form a support group. Online worked best for us since I could then finish a thought but meeting at the park with another child similar to yours educates the public and feels good when it's not your child that's eating the sand at 8 or dancing with himself at 12! It's also nice to have someone you feel safe with and swap childcare. You will know what the other child is like and feel secure that your child will be understood while you are out.
It will work out whichever way you decide but any decision with a special needs child needs thought, a plan, and flexibility.

Hi, C., Well my suggestion is to call in a ds. wich is a developmental specialist. They specialize in getting help for your child and you. I think you can call your local health and welfare office they should be able to put you in contact with one. The other thing to do is look into programs like, diamond developmental center, they work with your child to help them develope like they should. another good one is comunity partnerships. I dont know were you live but there should be places like this there. What ever you do, dont give up and send your child away, There is help out there and you and your child will be better off if you work through the problems together. love one another, and never let anyone say she cant have a good life. good luck and if i can help more let me know.