So I have had way to much going on in my life for the past couple of months. But now the biggest thing just happened and I dont know if I can continue to act like everything is okay. My husband of 4 years decied to tell me that he is not in love with me. He loves me but is not in love with me. How do I responde to that? The first thing that has gone through my mind is that I should just kick him out and move on with my life but I know that I could never do that. I am still totaly in love with him. I always have been and feel that I will always be. I have two wonderfull girls and want to keep my family together. It is what I have always wanted. I never thought that this would be my situatuion so I never thought about what I might have to do. I want to work on it and see if we can get back to the place that we were before we got married ( all of the lust and happyness feeling that we could not go on with out the other, But I just dont know how to do that.) I told him that I want to try to go to counsiling. If any one has any advise I would greatly apreciate it. I am just so lost and do not want to try to live my life with out him or but my girls through a life of a broken home.
Thanks B.
Hey B. - I would suggest Retrouvaille as well! My parents went through the program and learned a TON! They are also involved with a group called Marriage Encounter. They were separated when I was young for a while and now will be celebrating their 34th wedding anniversary this spring. Check out the Retrovaille website!!
Start by getting yourself a counselor. They are so helpful and sometimes they can even give the help you need to save your marriage. But, DO it for yourself! A great counselor is John Friel and also his wife. He has books out too! He listens very well and has such a way of getting YOU to listen to his helpful advice. Good luck!
My aunt is going through the same thing with her husband of more than 25 years.
Counseling is a great idea if he's willing to go. Stay as positive as possible and do everything you can to try to work things out. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Keep the lines of communication open; it's possible that there is something else going on that is causing him to say things he doesn't really mean.
Just in case he is totally unwilling to cooperate, you must have a back-up plan to ensure you and your children will have what you need (food, money, a place to live, transportation, health care, child care in case you need to work full-time, etc.) and a GOOD lawyer on stand-by to protect your rights (my aunt started looking before she knew she needed one for sure and it turned out to be a very good thing).
GOOD LUCK! I wish you the very best and truly hope things work out for you.
My husband just told me the same thing a few months ago. We have been married for 7 years. There's nothing you can do but to figure out why. What are you doing wrong? Our issue is I'm too negative and I hound him to do things and ask him for help too much. I need to be more positive. We're working on it but it's a long hull. He may never be "in love" with me again. If he cares for you that's great and if you want to keep your family together like we do you just accept things for what they are and be thankful that he hasn't left and respect him for letting you know so you can both work on it. Counseling won't help if you want both of you to go and he's not into it. If you want to work on yourself then counseling may work since it sounds like you are open to that idea.
Bille, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to how you feel. My husband and I went through something very similar last fall. I found an EXCELLENT resource. Twin Cities Retrouvaille. The website is www.retrouvaille.org It has all the info you will need. My husband and I are happier than ever and we have Retrouvaille to thank. Please look into it! Good luck!
I heard the same thing from my husband after we had been married for five years. As we have just celebrated our 13th anniversary, I know it is possible to overcome this. We went to counseling and learned that we were not communicating. It took awhile to learn to talk about what we actually felt and needed. With little children in the house, it takes even more effort to find the time and energy to talk.
Over time, marriage and people mature. The wild passion at the beginning of a marriage does not last forever. It grows into something deeper and more comfortable. It is a change people should know about, but many do not. Also, there are days that I am not "in love" with my husband, but I still love him enough to know that I would never leave him. As with all emotions, you feel love stonger somedays than others.
Best wishes to you.
I would focus on finding a relationship coach (PM me if you want a recommendation) rather than just a pure marriage counselor. My dh and I have met with one periodically (even before we were married) and it has helped our relationship as we have passed through various transitions. It sounds like you two just need some work on how to make your relationship more satisfying. I think it is good that he was able to speak up as long as he is also willing to work on things with you. So many people just stuff those kinds of feelings and then one day just walk out.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is one of the things that I worry about most.. We have a Son and a baby boy on the way. I have been trying to keep a little money stashed away just incase this happends to me. If you are in charge of the money it may be a good time to start saving a little money so that you can have something to live off of. I would also start talking around with family and friends to see if you can stay there if he ends up wanting to leave.
If he wants to do the counsling thing then that is great! It could really help things out, and maybe the feelings are still there and he does not know it. He may be saying this stuff as maybe your sex life together has gone down since you have had kids. It has for us, and I know that my husband will complain all of the time about it. So, counsling may be a good thing.. I hope that your husband will think about his little girls when he makes his desision..
I hope that it all works out for you, and that your husband will find that he really truly does love you, and just was going through a moment..
Good Luck and if you need to talk, I am here. :)
You really need to get counseling. If he won't go get it on your own. Your husband sounds immature with unrealistic expectations of what marriage is. Lust is for the infatuation stage. It isn't supposed to last forever. We are supposed to move on to deeper attachments and commitment. It's real life stuff that isn't always sexy. Hopefully your husband will grow up before he loses everything that is really important.
Make sure you protect yourself. Assume he is having an affair and get yourself checked out for STDs. Cover yourself legally too. You can't control his feelings or choices, but you can control how you react. You can be committed to staying in your marriage and still protect yourself and your kids in case that isn't the final result.
Hello B.~
Wow, that upsets me to read about your husband. He is the one that needs help...Not you, and it is not OK that he treats you this way. Does he think that marriage and a relationship stays lovey dovey all the time? Marriage is a lot of work and has its ups and downs. You need to rough the hard times- if he truly loves you! Does he realize that any new relationship he starts will all be the same 4 years into it. All the fizzle and razzle always leaves.
My husband and I have been married 6 years and have a 19 month old and we had to learn to incorporate date night at least once a month again! Get out with our friends and, most important bring back massages and massage lotions. We will even do a hotel stay once every six months to get away. I am not sure if this will all help, knowing that your husband may seem a little checked out of the relationship already?? But, during a really hard time in our marriage we did go to counciling together and it worked to talk about things to someone else. But buying a self help marriage book would be just as useful I feel.
Hope this helps. Good Luck
I'm sorry to hear your problem. In my personal experience with loosing the excitement in your love life, I discovered that we were taking each other for granted. He knew I would be there and so why put in the effort of doing those little things that he used to do. We sat down with a close friend of ours (my husband was against a counselor) and just talked about what was missing in our relationship. He missed the little things I use to do for him like cards in his lunch box, back rubs, and I missed the alone time, the flowers, the cute little gifts. We also realized we didn't get out with out the kids enough. We set a side two night out of the month where we go out just the two of us. It is time that we have adult conversations and time to reconnect. Marriage is work and if you both aren't commited and put out an effort it won't work. With crazy scheduals it will make it hard but if you both really want it to work, it can. Good luck.
Love is a choice that we make, not just a feeling. Our feelings change from day to day but we can choose to act in a loving manner and often the feeling will follow. I hope your husband is willing to go to counselling as I know from personal experience how hard it is to be a single parent and the long lasting effects of divorce.
T.
Hey B.. To start, I have never gone through anything like that, but I can empathize with you and friends who are going through that. My husband and I did go to a retreat where we learned how men and women see through different colored lenses. Women need love (Closeness - you want to be face to face, Openess- you think that maybe he is 'secretly' mad at you when he isn't, Understanding- you want empathy, Peacemaking- you need reassurance that he loves you, Loyalty- complete commitment, and Esteem- honored and respected above all else). That seems like a no brainer. Well, to men, they feel to respect what we feel to love. They need respect! Do you respect his desire to work and achieve? Do you respect that he wants to protect and provide for you? Do you respect that he wants to lead and make desicions for his family? Do you respect that he needs a shoulder to shoulder friendship (to hang out in the garage or the tv room and not talk/just watch him). Do you respect that he desires to be intimate with YOU!!!
If you do, tell him! If you use the words respect, it will blow his MIND! Tried and proven by me! Those are ways that you can show how you love him. Not sitting and talking face to face, not second guessing his desicions, not taking over things, not shooting his dreams down, telling him you want him to come home early or to help out at home more (I am guilty of all of these - and when I started respecting him, he started WANTING to hang out and talk with me, asking for my opinion on desicions, wanting to come home from work early to spend time and help out). He isn't saying that he doesn't love you, he is saying that he doesn't feel respected.
Hope this helps.
