Help! My Daughters Wearing Me Out!

First let me say I think you have gotten some good advice so far. I also was in your same situation with 2 of my 3 children. The family bed does not, would not, ever ever work for me. Not because I don't love my children and I also enjoyed nursing for over a year with all three, but I cannot sleep if I am touched or cuddled or groped in any way (just ask the hubby, he has been shoved away in the middle of the night many times), In the waking hours I love cuddling my children, when I am trying to sleep I need to be left ALONE. Had I allowed my children in bed with me I don't think I would ever have slept. Anyway, that out of the way what I did do with my daughter (she was the hardest) was put a twin mattress on her floor (I borrowed one of my son's they doubled up for a couple weeks). After I nursed her before bed I would lay her down awake. The first few nights she cried for a few minutes but with a lovey and some music (we got the aquarium thing for her crib) she settled down. Then when she woke up in the middle of the night I went in there, turned her music on, patted her back DID NOT PICK HER UP OR NURSE and laid on the mattress until she went back to sleep she usually stuck her thumb in and gazed at me while she laid there. I think she was comforted just knowing I was there. Sometimes I slept on the twin sometimes I went back to bed. After about a week of this when I went in I didn't even have to say a word or touch her I just laid down and went back to sleep. After a while I went in less and less not because I was letting her cry but because she needed me less and less. Now at 21 mo. she is the best sleeper of them all, and never wakes up between 8PM and 9AM. I loved nursing my children and would not have traded it for the world but if I did not have nights to myself to recharge and get good sleep I don't think I would make a very good Mommy to them in the daytime. Just remember, no matter what you choose to do, this too shall pass, and soon she will be a big girl who eats big girl food and drinks from a cup and you will look on this time as a wonderful time for the two of you! We always seem to forget how hard things were when we look back on them! Good luck! By the way, our kids are the same ages and I am a SAHM too, if you ever want to chat and bounce ideas off each other let me know!

WOW! I thought I was the only one! lol my son was the same way! but he did take a bottle when I found the right one. He too just started sleeping through the night and he is 13 months yesterday. The bottle that seems to work for him is the playtex ventair. With her age I would maybe try one of those sippys with the straws. I know how very hard it can be. Also if it is an option may grandma can help? They are more willing to try for someone else. I am here to talk of you need someone, yahoo messenger is whammby

Good Luck!

L.

Oh C. - I have so been there! My youngest, now 20 months was probably my worse sleeper out of my four. At at dr. appointment back when she was about 13 months I said to my doctor I was so tired from all this night time waking. She too, was not a very good eater of table food. One thing I remember my doctor saying to me was that although I was still breastfeeding the milk was there no longer to be the sole nourishment and that it was important for my baby to be eating other things. His thought was that she wasn't eating much during the day and using the milk to fill up over night and the circle repeated itself over and over.

Although I wasn't ready to wean her, I realized something had to give. Getting up 4 - 5 times a night wasn't working and I knew that this wasn't good for the baby. My dr. said point blank "this baby is old enough and weighs enough to be sleeping through the night". Although I am not a fan of the cry it out method and have done the "ferber" method with my older kids, I used my own variation. I would nurse Molly at night, limit it to making sure she wasn't going to sleep at the breast and then put her down in her crib.

When she'd wake I'd go in to her room, pat her, soothe her with a calm voice, reassure her that she was okay and leave. I had to do that probably 3 - 4 times for the first two or three nights. By the third night she was getting the hang of it. There weren't hours and hours of screaming and you know what, she figured it out really quickly. She'd wake in the morning, be ready for a big breakfast and she'd eat much better all day long. I got the the point where I was only nursing her at naptime and just before bed and she wasn't relying on me as her only source of food.

With the exception of a few colds and may be the cutting of new teeth, she is sleeping through the night and we're all sleeping much better and waking up more rested. It's just delightful - keep the hope!

K.

oh my u must be so drained! I would really push soilds on her. She may not want it cause u r more comforting. But its so importain ..at her age shes past due. I would try many diff kinds of bottles too. she will take to one of them. Im sure shes way old enough to hold it herself so i'd leave one with her in the bed. (alot of parents may diff. on that one but i did) Sounds like u gotta decide be tired;or break my daughter.
It really would be healther for her to be on soilds and bottle so u can start adding milk. At 12 months is usually when most r on reg milk. But ur little ones not big on soilds so u might have to take that slow untill shes eating well. Then rice in bottles with whatever kind of milk will keep her sleeping longer too:D I did that about 6 mons. as the dr. explained. goodluck.

Wow! Im gonna pray for you. My son now 10 was that child. We always had our babies in our bed. It was easier on everyone at night. Nursing was my son's way of eating for, in my opinion, too long. You really should try consistantly to introduce babyfood during the day. Try one food for a week or so. Don't change it. It may confuse her. She will eventually get a taste for it. Then you can introduce a new food (same texture). Texture sensitivity is very common. Try giving her water or juice in a sippy cup. You may try a rubber tipped sipper. As for the sleeping/nursing situation...this is what we had to do (my hubby worked 4P.M.-4A.M.) I put several blankets on the floor in our room to make it comfy. Then I put my pillow case I had been using on a flat pillow.(Don't wash it. It smells like you.)Lay your daughter there with her fave blanky or sleeping item and a bottle of breastmilk, not you! Again be consistant! If she gets up put her back. Don't leave the room, go to bed. Believe me, the first few nights is not fun. When she stays move her closer to the door. After a few nights of this, try moving her to her room. You may have to stay in a chair a few nights until she feels comfy in her room. But do not go get her and bring her to your room. Be consistant. It will be frustrating. I hope this works for you. It was tiring, but worth it to get my bed back and my son on the right track to self-security. I wish you the best in your trying days ahead!

Hello. I completly understand feeling like a pacifier, but mine is only 8 mo old. Mine is also at the age where baby food does not appeal to her very much. She wants to eat Cheerios all the time b/c she figured out how to get them into her mouth all by herself. So, I am now making her food that she can eat herself. Last night after the potatoes were cooked I got her out some before I mashed them. She also eats noodles and crackers. She wants to feed herself and I do not like the mess of her tryin to feed herself baby food.
As for the bottle, I wouldn't go there. Your little one is at that age where she doesn't need breast milk, so I wouldn't get her dependant upon the bottle at this stage. You would then be faced with the same problem. I would go straight to the cup and skip the bottle drama. I would just make her regular table food since she also probably doesn't need baby food. Just make her food that are easy to chew without milk, salt, and sugar added. It might be bland or not that tastie to you, but she really doesn't need it. Also, I would give her water adn breast milk in her cup when she eats. I know with my daughter it took a few months before anything in the cup made it into her mouth, but now she gets mad if I put her in her chair at the table without a cup. Best of Luck :)

First, what a *wonderful* gift you've given your daughter to follow her readiness signs, not forcing solids on her, and breastfeeding her for nutrition and for comfort (I'm sure she has enjoyed such a safe, warm, lovely way to fall asleep each night!). :)

OK, so, you're exhausted and needing things to change, and unfortunately your husband isn't home in the middle of the night to help out with making changes. That is tough! You also say you would prefer to not wean her over this and the "cry it out" thing is not the ideal situation for either of you -- yay, you! You most certainly can change the nursing patterns to make a more restful night while still maintaining the nursing relationship. And the typical "cry it out" method isn't your only option, either!

Having gone through something similar with my daughter, it's hard to find sound advice on this, but I really personally thought the following was helpful to me - perhaps it might be for you too?:

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Changing The Sleep Pattern In The Family Bed
By Dr Jay Gordon http://www.drjaygordon.com

I can only imagine a mom and dad who are as tired as anyone can be, eager to see this article on sleep, and finding that we had made it unavailable for a little while!

We had to do that because I didn't write the article clearly enough and need to clarify some very important facts.

It would be hard to find as strong a proponent of the family bed as I am. Yet, I have received email commenting that there were sections of this "plan" which were easy to misinterpret as being just another angle on "sleep training" for young babies. It is not meant to be that. Not even close to an endorsement of the benefits of getting your baby to "soothe herself to sleep" during the first year.

Here's what I really want to do: I want to offer an alternative to Ferber and Weisbluth and the Whisperer. I never want to see my ideas applied to a four month old or even a seven month old baby. As a matter of fact, I am not too excited about pushing any baby around at night but I know that sometimes it will be done and I'd like to offer a gentle, supported plan for after the first year.

Before I go any further, let me express my overriding concern. Babies do better when we answer all their questions as best we can and meet their needs as best we can.

Most of the families I have taken care of in my pediatric practice sleep in a family bed.

Their babies tend to breastfeed for more than one year and they don't sleep through the night any better than most of us would if we napped and cuddled within inches of the best restaurant in town and knew it was open 24 hours a day.

This arrangement is not just adequate and tolerable, but actually feels easier to moms who can just roll over, nurse a while and fall back to sleep with their babies rather having to get out of bed to nurse or, alternatively, refuse to nurse and get their babies back to sleep some other way.

Lots of parents continue this pattern through the first year and well into the second and beyond, but some get tired of it -- or just plain tired -- after a while and are looking for a way to change things. Saddest of all, some moms and dads think that total weaning from breastfeeding is the best way to get more sleep. They choose not to look into nighttime weaning as a good option instead.

There are dozens of confusing books and magazine articles implying that there can be some quick and easy way to get your baby to sleep or to not nurse through the night. I have yet to read one which told parents the complete truth: It's not easy, it's rarely quick and it's usually a little loud and heartbreaking for a few nights . . . or more. I have seen too many families needing help and getting offered choices they didn't like at all.

I have a better alternative to completely weaning or to letting the baby cry it out. Babies wake up for the optimal interaction with their moms, breastfeeding back to sleep. If we offer them a little less than that for a few nights and then a little less and still less in the ensuing nights, gentle behavior modification will lead them to realize that it might not be "worth it" to knock on the door of a closed restaurant, so to speak.

I don't recommend any forced sleep changes during the first year of life. Probably the only exception to this would be an emergency involving a nursing mom's health. There are many suggestions in books and magazines for pushing "sleeping through the night" during a baby's early months or during the first year. I don't think this is the best thing to do and I am quite sure that the earlier a baby gets "non-response" from parents, the more likely he is to close down at least a little.

Don't get me wrong. I love the family bed, child-led weaning and cuddling all through the first, second, third year or more if it's working well and if the family is doing well. Don't let anyone convince you that this is a harmful choice or that there will be "no way" to get him out of your bed if you don't do it now. Don't believe anyone who says that babies who cuddle and nurse all night long "never" learn to self soothe or become independent. This is simply not true but it sells books and the myths stay in our culture.

Some moms just don't want to do this after some months or years and there should be a third choice to the dichotomy of crying it out or giving in to all-night nursing. Again, I support the family bed and frequent night nursing for a long time and even attempt to pull some parents along "just a little farther," but I often have to switch tacks and support and help families with difficult choices.

Here's what I recommend for older babies:

Choose the most valuable seven hours of sleep for yourselves. I personally prefer 11p.m. through 6 a.m. but you might have a slightly different idea.

Change the rules during those hours and be comfortable that a "well-built" family bed baby's personality can withstand this rule changing and the mild inconsistency of getting everything he wants all the time . . .oops, almost all the time. That's the word we want to show this baby. The word "almost." If only we could explain to him that "tired moms and dads take their children to the park a little less and that children of well-rested parents get to go the zoo and for hikes a lot more than children of exhausted parents." If that explanation only made sense to kids somewhere before the third birthday (and it doesn't!) they would simply roll over, say, "See you in the morning," and let us get the sleep we want.

I try to do this in three- and four-night intervals.

I'm assuming that you have a wonderfully healthy 12-, 15-, 20- or 30-month old baby who still loves to wake up every 2 to 4 hours to cuddle, eat or . . . whatever. I'm assuming that you have thought this through, decided you want to make changes and alerted the neighbors that it might be a little noisy for a week or so.

I'm assuming that both parents agree -- or almost agree -- that this is the best thing to do. And, most important assumption of all, you are willing to go "in a straight line" to the goal of seven straight hours of sleep.

The reason for that last statement: If your baby learns that crying, squirming and fussing (euphemisms, let's just say "crying" . . . sorry) for an hour will get him fed you will set yourself back quite a bit. This is the best program I have seen but it's far from easy. And now, to say it again, I really like what you've been doing. Cuddling, nursing, hugging through the night. Don't change this with my program or any other if you're happy doing what you're doing. But . . .

The First Three Nights

At any time before 11 p.m. (including 10:58) nurse to sleep, cuddle and nurse when he wakes up and nurse him back to sleep, but stop offering nursing to sleep as the solution to waking after 11 p.m.. Instead…..

When your baby awakens at midnight or any other time after 11 p.m., hug him, nurse him for a short time but make sure he does not fall asleep on the breast and put him down awake. Rub and pat and cuddle a little until he falls asleep but don't put him back on the breast (or give him a bottle if that's what you've been doing). He must fall asleep with your comfort beside him, but not having to nurse to feel comforted enough to drift off.

Now, he will tell you that he is angry and intensely dislikes this new routine. I believe him. He will also try to tell you that he's scared. I believe he's angry, but a baby who's had hundreds of nights in a row of cuddling is not scared of falling asleep with your hand on his back and your voice in his ear. Angry, yes. Scared, no, not really.

During these first three nights, repeat this pattern only after he has slept. He might sleep for fifteen minutes or he might sleep for four hours, but he has to go to sleep and reawaken to get cuddled and fed again.

These will be hard nights.

You may have decided you're really not ready to do this. That's OK. Stop and start over again in a few months if you like. Choosing the right time is crucial and many people choose a time suggested or pushed by friends, doctors or in-laws. This doesn't work as well.

Is it better to do this in the family bed, a crib in the same room or using a crib in another room? I prefer to continue the family bed even though it might seem harder at first, but it has always seemed harder to me to be putting a baby in and out of a crib. However, a crib or toddler bed in your room may be what works best for you. Another option is to expand your bed's limits by placing another mattress against your mattress. A bit more space for each family member may help to solve some of the sleep issues. My least favorite choice is a crib or bed in a separate bedroom.

Again, during these first three nights, between 11 p.m. and 6 a.m., cuddle and feed short, put him down awake, rub, pat, talk until he falls asleep and repeat this cycle only after he's slept and reawakened. At 6:01 a.m., do whatever you have been doing as a morning routine ignoring the previous seven hours' patterns. Many babies will roll over, nurse and cuddle back to sleep and give you an extra hour or so. Some won't.

For me, one of the most reassuring parts of this "sleep plan" is seeing that babies wake up fine, happy and grudge-free about the change in the rules. You'll see what I mean, even if the first few minutes of the morning are not exactly as they've always been.

The Second Three Nights

Again, the nursing to sleep stops at 11 p.m. When he wakes up, hug him and cuddle him for a few minutes, but do not feed him, put him down awake. Putting him down awake is a crucial part of this whole endeavor because it really does teach him to fall asleep with a little less contact and then a little less. Not feeding is the big change during these three nights. One-year-old babies can easily go for those seven hours (or more) with no calories. They like to get fed a little through the night, but physiologically and nutritionally, this is not a long time to go without food.

If I could wake my wife a few times each night, ask her to squeeze me a little fresh orange juice (my favorite drink) and rub my back while I drank it, I wouldn't choose to voluntarily give up this routine. My wife might have some different ideas and get tired of the pattern quickly. Babies rarely give up their favorite patterns and things -- day or night-- without balking and crying.

I really don't like listening to babies cry. I actually hate listening to babies cry. Unlike them, though, we adults can truly understand the implications of lack of sleep for a family of three, four or more people. Sleep patterns sometimes have to be changed. The incredible safety and reassurance the family bed has provided, and continues to provide, supplies the best context and location for these changes.

During these second three nights, some babies will cry and protest for ten minutes at a time and some will go for an hour or more. Your toddler is aware that you are right beside him, offering comfort and soothing. It just isn't the mode of comfort he wants at the moment. It is hard to listen to him fuss, but it will work. I believe that a well-loved baby, after a year or more in the family bed, will be the ultimate beneficiary of his parents getting more sleep. Not coincidentally, the parents benefit "big time," too.

"Yes, for the past many months we have enjoyed voting "1 to 2" -- non-democratically -- in favor of . . . the baby. 'Anyone want to get up all night, feed and walk the baby and be really tired all day and the next day too?' Well, the vote is 1 to 2 in favor of the baby."

Now, what we're saying is, we will sometimes be voting two to one in favor of the baby's family. This "baby's family" concept may be abhorrent to he who considers himself the King of England, or Emperor of the Whole World, but our knowing he has that feeling of power allows us to confidently demote the dictator to a majority-respecting member of the family. His family.

By the end of the sixth night, your baby is going back to sleep without being nursed or fed. He's going back to sleep after a nice hug, a cuddle and with your hand on his back and your words in his ear.

If, at any point this is feeling "wrong" to you, stop, wait some months and start over. Don't go against your "gut instincts" which tell you that this is the wrong time to get longer sleep intervals from your baby. Your instincts are better than any sleep-modification program ever written.

The Next Four Nights

Nights seven, eight, nine and ten. Don't pick him up, don't hug him. When he awakens after 11 p.m., talk to him, touch him, talk some more, but don't pick him up. Rub and pat only. No feeding either, obviously. He will fall back to sleep. Repeat the rubbing and talking when he reawakens. By the end of the ninth night, he will be falling back to sleep, albeit reluctantly for some babies and toddlers, with only a rub and a soothing voice.

After

After these first ten nights, continue to cuddle and feed to sleep if you like and he wants to, but do nothing when he wakes up except to touch a little and talk to him briefly. This may continue for another three or four nights but occasionally keeps going for another week or more. Then . . . it stops. He has learned that he is just as well-loved, gets virtually everything he needs and wants all day, but must give seven hours per night back to his parents and family.

What happens if you travel, he gets sick or some other circumstance demands a return to more nighttime interaction? Nothing. You do what you need to do (cuddle, nurse, walk, in the middle of the night, as many times as you need to) and then spend a night or two or three getting back to the new pattern the family has established.

By the way, pay the baby. Make sure that he really does get a lot of the benefit of your getting a good night's sleep. Go to the park more often. Do all those things with him you said you'd do if he ever let you sleep longer. Explain it to him as you're doing it. He'll understand in an ever increasing way and will be OK with all this.
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http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp
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