You could call our son a "mean girl" - or a hater. Either would be correct. He is consumed with hatred for his former best friend. As a result, K ostractizes the former friend at school, says mean things to him, calls him names, gangs up with his new best friend to torment him, and ignores him at strategic times (former friend will try to talk to K, and K will say to his new best friend, "Did you hear something?")
How do we help our son to not be so hateful? Last night I explained to him that it hurts HIM to carry so much hatred in his heart. "How?" he asked, genuinely curious, and I didn't really know how to put it into words. I said, "Well, there are so many positive ways you could bond with your new best friend, but instead all you two do is talk about how much you hate ________. It's like your obsessed with him."
We adopted our son about a year ago from foster care. He has been through a ton of hurt in his life. In his foster homes, other kids were very mean to him. I think it excites him that, for once, he is the one who can lord over another kid.
This other kid, by the way, has not been hateful toward our son. Rather, I think when our son finally made a new friend, it thrilled him to not have to be so dependent on his original friend, sort of like "Ha! I don't need you now!" Sadly, the other guy still does want to be friends with our son. I realize that won't happen (at least, not today), but I would at least like to TRY to inspire some loving behavior in our son (not to mention that he will get into trouble at school for bullying this kid, if his hateful behaviors continue).
Any ideas, mamas???
Thanks!
Here is what I tell my son:
1. You don't have to like everyone, but you DO need to be respectful and kind to everyone.
2. You can never have too many friends.
3. How would YOU feel if XYZ said/did that to you?
4. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
My daughter was a mean girl. It was a defense mechanism born out of her own insecurities. She was mean to people before they could be mean to her. She's absolutely gorgeous and really intelligent but she used her powers for evil instead of good. I tried the empathy thing, like you did. Got me nowhere. I even showed her story after story of kids committing suicide due to bullying and asked her to picture what it would feel like to know she caused someone to take thier own life. What finally happened to turn her into the sweetheart she is now....She opened her mouth one too many times and got a bunch of other meaner girls pissed off. Once she faced those consequences, she straightened her act up and stopped being a mean girl. The other thing that helped was putting her and the object of her bullying in the same room, with no audience to show out for, and getting them to talk it out. Now they're back to being besties.
I would suggest finding a counsler and one specialized in PTSD. I didn't even think about the fact that my son who is 17 was possibly suffering from that. PTSD does not just affect our veterans but it also is very common in children who come from abused homes as well. Not knowing the circumstance behind the foster homes or his birth parents this may be something he is going through. This would develop a lot of anger and not knowing how to handle it. He obviously whether PTSD or just other issues needs the help of a professional to help him work it out. My son has been in counsling since November and it is amazing how much he has improved.
I have worked with highly reactive children for many years. It is soooooo important to first understand what is really driving your son's behavior and help him learn how to regulate his own behavior in ways that will help him find his own nobler sense of purpose. But, in order for you to understand what is driving his sense of social survival, it is important for you to actually learn a little about how these survival impulses are triggered in children who have experienced abandonment. It is also important to learn how to ask him questions that guide him toward his own understandings rather than try to convince him that what he is doing is wrong. This kind of vengeance is common among children who have been adopted from stressful or traumatic situations. It is important to help him with this as soon as possible. Once a child has passed beyond puberty, it can be much more difficult to transform these behaviors.
The most effective approach to parenting these dear children is being taught by Heather Forbes, author of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control. She offers books, CDs, seminars, online courses, and even support group connections. Her prices are incredibly reasonable and your programs help parents (particularly adoptive parents) in ways no other program does. She is a counselor who developed this program because she is raising 2 adopted children and came to realize that her children needed something she did not know how to provide. Her courses are accredited and suitable for professionals, but is truly designed to work directly with parents and help them learn the most loving and effective way to genuinely connect with your child and support their healing and development. You can learn more at www.BeyondConsequences.com.
So you know, she will be starting another online course (very affordable) on April 12. She will also be offering a full day seminar in St. Louis on May 21. I think all you need to get in to her seminar is to have a copy of her book.
My son is grown and happy, but I am taking her course simply because I work with so many children who need their parents to take this course. I have seen how empowered parents become from it and wanted to be able to tell parents more about it. I have always recommended The Virtues Guide, by Linda Popov, to all parents, and I still do. Beyond Consequences is in perfect harmony with the parenting strategies of The Virtues Guide. But it goes much further in helping understand your child's tendency to lose self-regulation so you can companion and mentor your child with supportive and effective guidance.
I do hope you will look into this program. I have yet to hear anyone - parents, adoptive parents, teachers, therapists, etc. - who has tried this program and is anything but grateful for the opportunity. I honestly believe that every parent would be happier and more beneficial to their families after taking this course. I even recommend this course to people who have no children. After all, we all have an inner child to deal with! :)
Your son is blessed to have found his way into a loving and caring home.
PS: Don't want to come across as picky, but I do try to remind people that calling anyone a 'girl' as a criticism has a diminishing affect on all girls. I understand that certain behaviors may be more common among one gender or the other and you were likely referring to a specific type of histrionic tendency in pubescent females. But, obsessively vengeful behaviors are not more common among girls than boys. They are more common in children who have been traumatized. They tend to be more volatile in pubescent males due to increased levels of testosterone.
So, please forgive me for pointing it out. It is just one of my little campaigns to remind people that when we use the word 'girl' as a criticism, girls are listening.
When your heart if filled with anger, bitterness, it robs you of your happiness. You become consumed with it. However, if he's getting pleasure out of this, then he needs some help. I do understand he had a hard life, but if he really believes it's okay to hurt someone's feeling that's not right.
He's old enough to know it's wrong and bad behavior to be mean like this. Let him know you do love him, but this behavior is going to stop. You need to punish him when he does it too, so you can send a good message to him. Talk more with him find out why he feels it's okay to do this. Make him think, analyze the situation. Tell him if he cannot say anything nice don't say anything at all. You may want to even go to counseling, especially if he gets a lot of pleasure out of it. I'm not saying he is, but he could be come a sociopaths, with no empathy towards others. Again, I'm not saying he is.
Always reinforce positive behavior as well as encourage it. Be an example, and I'm sure you are. He's had a lot of bad influences in his life that he's exhibiting it now. Maybe he's been hurt so much in the past that he doesn't want people to get close to him, so once they do get too close he cuts them off.
I'm praying for all!
