Help Moms - Has My Time Expired?

Updated on August 31, 2008
M.M. asks from Chicago, IL
4 answers

Hi Moms,

I wonder if someone knows the answer to this or maybe has gone thru it already. First let me start by giving you some info about myself. I just turned 44 a couple of weeks ago. My dad who is ill & lately in & out of the hospital has lived with us since a week after my husband & I got married. We have 2 dogs. I have two boys, 2 1/2 & 4 1/2. My dream was always to have 3 or 4 children. My husband initially agreed that 3 kids would be great because for about 3 generations everyone in his family has had three kids each & he thought it would be neat if he did the same. After our second child he began to tell me that we should get rid of our baby things cuz 2 was more than enough. I think that was the conclusion he came to because of many different reasons. Money, space (we live in a small apartment), & I guess sometimes our boys were a little over whelming along with work & other things.
Anyhow... In the last year or so I've been feeling a lot of fatigue but at the same time not able to sleep when I was suppose to & then REALLY exhausted in the mornings. I mostly get anywhere from 3 to 5 hours of sleep. So I went to my doctor's for a check up & mentioned this to her & she just suggested things like going for walks or maybe starting to workout. I already take walks when I walk my dogs plus the kids, my hubby & I do long walks at least 3 times a week after dinner depending if time allows it. I can't do a gym, I don't have that kind of time. About 7 months later I revisited my doctor again & mentioned to her that I was feeling the same plus the fact that my menstrual periods were all over the place. She smiled and said, "Well you are in your forties, things will change, just continue to stay active." I have been taking an aquatic aerobics class for about six months now & I feel the same. For many years I got my period every 28 days like clockwork then all of a sudden they came anywhere from 21 to 31 days. I had a few months where I had 2 periods in one month. Then back in March, very much to my surprise I found out I was pregnant. I was very happy. I told my boys, my family my in-laws & then surprised my husband on Easter with the great news. He was very happy. A week & a half after I had a miscarriage. My periods continued the same, mostly anywhere from 27 to 31 days. Well this month, 31 days after my last period nothing. After everything that's happened to me lately I was afraid to take a pregnancy test. I finally took one, 38 days after my last period.
NOT PREGNANT! The test says NOT PREGNANT!
Today I am over 2 weeks late.
What happened? Was that it for me? No more babies? What's wrong with me? Is this the way it ends? Are there no signs? Was all that that happened to me signs letting me know the end was near? Should my doctor have informed me better? Should she have run some sort of tests? How could this be? I have personally known women that have had babies at 45 & 46. What do I do?
It was very difficult telling my 4yr old that there would be no baby for now & maybe later. Every now & then he still says that we are having a baby later. I've lied to him. I feel like I've failed him, as well as my other son, my husband, myself & other people. I feel broken
Thnx in advanced & sorry for the length of this.

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K.T.

answers from Chicago on

M.,
You will no doubt get plenty of responses regarding the hormones and menopause, etc.
I want to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss in March/April. It is clear from your post that you want to have another baby, and when you are pregnant, (planned or not)...and have positive feelings surrounding the pregnancy as you did, you wanted THAT baby. ( I have had 5 miscarriages in the mix of having 3 children myself).
I urge you to make sure you take some steps to really mourn the loss of that baby and what that loss really meant to you. You say that you feel like you failed your family, your boys, your husband...etc. But, in the same time, it was NOT your fault. People may say, "that baby was not meant to be", or "at least you have 2 healthy boys", etc..they do NOT know what to say. You found out you were pregnant, and you wanted THAT BABY, and built dreams for THAT BABY. So allow yourself to grieve for that baby, and figure out what you will say to your son if he asks about the baby that takes any responsibility off of you.

Next, you are feeling alot of anxiety regarding your "time" crunch and irregular periods. If you truly desire to get pregnant again, you should see a fertility specialist for advice. They can help address your irreg. cycles, and tell what they recommend for you. Don't mess around waiting 3 months for another cycle. Not if this is what you truly want.

Good luck to you, M..
God bless you and your family this and every day!

K.

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K.

answers from Chicago on

How frustrating for you! It sounds as though your fertility is on the decline but maybe not quite gone yet. You can chart your temperature (see www.fertilityfriend.com for help on this) and that will tell you whether you're still ovulating or not. If you are, you can still conceive. Keep in mind though, that at your age the risk of the egg having a genetic defect is significantly increased and because of that you're much more likely to miscarry. Miscarriage, even though it's really tough emotionally, usually means that something went terribly wrong with the baby's development early on and it could not survive. Menopause is a gradual thing and is usually defined as having not had a menstrual period in over a year.

If you're still ovulating it *is* possible to conceive even if your periods are very irregular. I conceived my son on a 130-day long cycle, and I conceived my daughter 16 months after having my son and on my first postpartum ovulation (ie my cycles hadn't even returned yet). Taking a look at "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler might help you identify your fertile periods better. Good luck!

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C.O.

answers from Chicago on

It is still possible even if you are starting that wonderful change of life (LOL). My periods have been all over the place for at least 7 years now. I have skipped them, had 2 in one month, had them last for weeks, and then have it last only a day. I have to ask my husband if it is hot or just me. Most of the time it is just me! Right now I have the air on and a fan on me. Many women end up pregnant because they miss a couple period and they think they are safe. Talk to your doctor and if you are not happy with her answer you should talk to someone else.

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

M.:
I am truly sorry for all that you have gone through. It sounds like you are definitely "out of whack" with your hormones. Unfortunately, many doctors do not understand hormone imbalance and that there is a remedy for it. Natural progesterone. This helps all you moms out there who are experiencing "the change of life" as well. We truly don't have to suffer, wonder when our next period will be, etc. I would be glad to send you some information about natural hormone balancing (it even helps people regulate to get pregnant). I don't know if you are in this stage or not, but it is a good idea to find a new doctor too.

Dr. John Lee has written many books about women and hormone imbalance. He was a pioneer in this area and still it is not taught in medical schools. I can give you a list of references to check out and some information about natural hormone balancing. Give me your email address and I would be more than happy to help you out.

Here's to your health!

K.

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