Help Me Not Feel like a Grinch...!

So if you have no other plans, take him. And if you have other plans, do that.. it's cobbled together. If he misses, what's the big deal? I guess I don't get it. And how old IS he anyway?

No, because it is too far away.
No because it is not well organized.
No, because it is too last minute.

I don't see why it's a problem, if it's not a real league then tell him he can play unless it interferes with family plans.
I think it's awesome that he and his friends are doing this. So what if it's unorganized and not run by adults? Let these kids own it and learn some life skills!

When I was reading this I thought of my brother who started playing football on the weekend mornings with his buddies years and years ago. It was also just a pickup game - not really organized, if you can make it great, if not no biggie. He is still with these group of guys and he is now in his late 20s.

I think if it's organized in a very "casual" way, you can treat it as a casual event on your end. If you are free, then he can go, if you have something else planned, then he can not.

I think the big picture here is that your son will get to spend time with kids he likes, continue to build friendships, and have fun with a sport he gives a lot of effort to. I also think these are important qualities to consider when making this decision.

If he is not allowed to attend, in any manner, then he will resent you and his buddies will become better friends with each other, have a chance to become better at their sport and he will be left out.

If it's so random, can't he just go to games when you don't have anything else scheduled? So you can make your plans and if you don't have any when a game comes up, then go to the game. And same with practices. Sounds casual enough you could do that and compromise.

Ugh, this exactly why kids get sick of sports at such an early age.
He's "committed" all year, to a team, a school, everything. Boys want to actually play and have fun in the summer and that includes casual pick up games. Parents today keep a child's life so structured it's ridiculous. If you don't want to do the driving just admit it, but don't try to make him feel bad about actually having a passion for something, and maybe wanting to do it more on a rec level than a structured one.

I was reading this thinking he was a teen since he committed to this haphazard team. Being that he's only 10 and this isn't a real thing - just whenever they can get together. I'd tell him that he can play when it works into your schedules, but stop scheduling around or redoing your plans for last minute games/practices. If this was a formal team with a regular schedule for practices and games, I agree that you commit and make it a priority, but this is not that.

Also, I think you're giving way too much power to a 10 year old who can't get himself to or from games or practices. I would expect this from my kids when they were old enough to either drive their bikes or cars but not before.

sorry, ms grinch! i think the idea of a loosely-formed pick-up league is awesome. so much more relaxed, groovy and FUN than the formal leagues that are all most kids can join any more.
kids who want to play ball and figure out how to make it happen. huh. the horror.
and since it's a casual league, your demands that he 'commit' aren't applicable.
i'd tell him 'sure. you won't be able to make all the games and practices so make sure everyone's on board with that. but i'll absolutely take you to every one that works with our schedule.'
better this than the kid who wants to spend summer with a game controller in his paws, right?
khairete
S.

I agree with you - there is no way that we could commit to something like this either. We basically have almost the exact same half-as%ed deal that you do during the summer, only for wrestling. We also have always felt that it is important for the kids to know that if they commit to something, they have to commit all the way. HOWEVER, with this summer wrestling thing over the years, we have just learned that we need to take a break from this "rule" and we will NOT change our plans at the last minute for such an unorganized deal. We have told our son straight out - if were are busy, you aren't going. If we have nothing going on, I will drive you over there at the last flippin minute on random days (including Sundays). Take it or leave it. It is a little harder for you, I think, because it is a much more organized team sport than wrestling. But that wouldn't sway me.

I hope that you are able to find something that works for your family. I know I don't have any real good advice - just wanted you to know that you are not the only mom that has had to take this stand with their kids and sports and suffer the unpopular consequences.

Good luck!

I think you need to re-evaluation our thoughts on "I don't think that participating on an "as we can" basis is the right message either - we've always told him that if you make a commitment to a team, you are committed for the whole thing. Which means no missing practices or games."

This is summer, they want to have some fun. I would request a schedule and if he can't give you that then go from there. You are being really rigid on this. He's not in a league. Its better than him sitting in front of the TV playing videos!!!

I'd tell them he can play when he's available. Find out who's coaching and speak to the boss and get it from the horses mouth. Tell this person you will commit to him coming when you're available. If that won't work for them YOU can tell your son you did your best to get him this team but it was them.

If he truly loves ball he's chomping at the bit for some competition and wanting to play. I remember the feeling well. I play on 3 teams at the same time one summer. Drove my parents crazy.

I understand your point that if you make a commitment, you need to be all in. That is very often a really important lesson to teach. However, life isn't always that simplistic. Sometimes we do make commitments that are not our number one priority. As long as we're honest about it from the beginning, that's ok. Sometimes that's the best we can do.

I'm one of the leaders in our Cub Scout Pack. We have meetings once a month. I did miss one meeting this year, but some of the den leaders have only been to one or two meetings. The Scout master even had to miss a meeting. Still, if those leaders hadn't stepped up, we might not have a Pack at all.

If your son were taking someone else's spot on the team (especially if that other kid could make a commitment to be there for every game and every practice), that's one thing. But if you are completely upfront with everyone about your situation, and they still want your son to play when he can, I would let him. It's quite possible that if he didn't play, no one would either, as the team does need to have a certain number of players in order to play.

That's how we kids did it in the old days. Whoever was around played. No one planned their life around kids having random games.
Let him join in. If you are around so be it, if not he doesn't play. I get the feeling that's the way it will be in other homes. It's called being spontaneous.

I guess if it were me I'd be happy he wasn't sitting home on video games all day so I would make an effort to get him to the practice and games. Good luck.

We had a little guy on our team this year that only made it 1/2 the time because his mother wouldn't drive him to practice and games and his dad was the coach. Dad went and coached even when his son was at mom's. I felt bad for both of them. I'd make it happen. If you miss a few days, so be it, but I'd do my best to get him there.

i would talk to the "coach" and tell him that he should make a schedule and have the ones that show up practice, make a few manditory and get more info on games and such. if the coach is willing to organise it better then it will work out better for everyone thats participating.
your not a grinch, you just want a better organized situation for your child.

Holy cow - 35 miles each way for games you don't know are occurring until the last minute?? And who's supposed to pay the fees when they "buy their way" into tournaments that are under-enrolled so they open them up to these pick-up teams? You?

Don't be manipulated by this kid!

Life doesn't hand you everything you want - that's the lesson for this kid. Does he think he's going to play MLB if only you would drive him everywhere? If he's shuttling back and forth between 2 homes, that's a burden. But many kids do this. If there are different standards/values/rules in the two homes, that's another burden. But it can be managed if there's an open conversation about it.

You have to stop feeling like you are the problem here. Don't let the hate get to you. If you give in to everything, you are handicapping him for high school and college and the real world when people (coaches, teachers, professors,interviewers, employers) actually say, "NO." The greatest things you can do for him is have him get a job (or do chores, depending on his age), have him save money (for the car he'll certainly demand you give him), and have him learn to deal with disappointment OR make things happen on his own. One day, he will thank you. Really.

And no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. He might be selling this, but you don't need to be buying it.

So, your whole summer is supposed to be waiting on a call for him and carting him around at a moment's notice?

It's a bad message for him to get that all you do is cater to him. Put aside your feelings of guilt. Instead, realize that you're training him to be able to keep a wife down the line. She isn't going to appreciate it if he thinks her mission in life is to "fetch his slippers"...

When my son was in 2nd grade he came home on a Friday with a birthday invitation for that Sunday - just 2 days away!!! I assumed he had forgotten to give it to me, but he said he had just gotten it that day. He said he really wanted to go, so I texted the mom and she said, "Great!"

After the party, my son had Cub Scouts, and one of the dads said he wouldn't let his son go because he was so appalled that the invitation came on such short notice. I agreed that it was very short notice, but I didn't say anything else.

Here's the thing. The party was insanely short notice. But we didn't have a conflict, and my son really wanted to go. So it's not like I had a good reason to say no. It really was poor planning on the mom's (or dad's) part, but that's not the kid's fault. And the kid did deserve to have friends come to his birthday party.

I try not to say no to things that I don't have to say no to. There are plenty of things that I have to say no to because we can't or there are specific reasons why it's a bad idea. You have very specific reasons why he won't be able to make it to all games and practices. But you actually could say yes to some games and practices.

If you really can't do it, then you really can't do it. All kids need to hear the word no, because that's life. How does the song go, "You don't always get what you want." But I do believe that it's ok to enter this thing being very upfront and honest about your commitment and then let him go whenever you reasonably can.

I'd say no as well. It's not local. A pickup/casual team should be local so he can just grab his equipment and be there in 10 minutes...not a 40 minute drive away, and it's not serious ball...so there's no reason why everyone needs to be there for every game. Think of it like The Sandlot. Just some kids playing ball. If it's anything more complicated than that...nope. Tell him to go play ball at the local park with some buddies. Spring league is over.

It sounds like the other mother will be able to take him to most of the games, so why don't you just tell him, "Sure, when I don't have other plans, I can take you." I don't really get why this is an issue.

I don't understand why this has to be all or nothing, especially when there's another mother involved who wants to make this happen. Oh, wait, is his other mother your partner/wife? Or is she a stepmother or bio-mother who lives elsewhere?

If she's your partner, and this thing is loosey-goosey anyway, I'd just tell him we'll take you when we can. Be happy he's active. But I would also tell him that he will get more flies with honey than with vinegar, and if he has a hissy fit on you then he's not getting squat. He needs to learn to be more charmingly persuasive.

You're not being a Grinch. The coach is being delusional thinking that this is going to work in any way, shape or form.

You can't build your summer around some game 35 miles away that "might" happen. So no. unless there's an actual structure to this, it's not going to work.

What if he has an opportunity to do something fun - like REALLY fun, but the coach calls - do you ditch plans, ditch the game, what? It makes no sense at all.

How old is your son? The fact he's telling you that you don't support him, don't want him to be successful etc. makes it sound like he's old enough to know he can get your goat (also known as manipulating you) and possibly pit you against his other mom on this topic. It also is the kind of talk that might signal to me that whatever adult is coaching this informal team is telling the kids that IF their parents support them, their parents will make this happen. Geez. That would tick me off.

You have every right to say no. A 35-mile-plus drive in your area, if it's like where I live, could take a very long time in nasty traffic. Each way. And this business of "we'll play games whenever we can get one" sounds a lot like the dance competitions my friend's kid used to do -- they could not make advance plans some months because they never knew if her kid would compete on Friday or Saturday or Sunday, morning, noon or night.....

The issue here would be, is his other mom letting him do this on her time? That would be a problem as it sounds like the kind of thing where if he can't do it consistently all summer, there's no point in doing it at all. So expect that if you say no, you might catch flak not just from him but from the other household. But that shouldn't make you say yes if your gut says no.

If he plays baseball much of the rest of the year and is doing baseball camp (at least, when he's with you), taking a break is not going to do him any harm unless maybe he's some teen already being eyed by pro scouts!

I'm sure you've heard: If you kids don't hate you sometimes then you are not doing it correctly. Hugs to you. I would not be up for this either, I can not deal with disorganization since I'm a total planner.

I agree with others. Tell him Yes, you can play in tournaments when we don't already have family plans. And he needs to make it clear to the coach that he may have some logistical issues. That seems like a good compromise and keep in mind that with commitments of any kind, as long as you are honest with the person in charge with your limitations, from the beginning, then you ARE keeping your commitment, even when the commitment is "I'll be there as long as my family doesn't have a conflicting event."

That said, I know where you are coming from, because my son is 100% in for tournament baseball, and I'm waiting for the tournament schedule to find out when I can plan our family weekend away. It's a hassle sometimes, but he loves baseball so much that I decided to make this choice to plan around it.

And, for what it's worth, what you describe is not unheard-of for tournament baseball. Kids who don't want to stop playing after spring ball form independent teams, and then register (for a sometimes significant fee) to play in tournaments that are being held in the region. The tournaments specify the level of play (if it's basically an all-star team that practices year round, they register for A level tournaments, if it's a bunch of kids thrown together that are playing for fun, they register for C level tournaments, and then there is an in between B group). The kids have a great time, and I've made some nice parent friends sitting at the baseball field for 5 games in 2 days.

ETA: I can see where the 35 min away make it harder. Does he live with you 100% of the time? If so, then can he find a tournament team closer to you? If he is 50% with you, then you are not really taking him every time, right? For you, it's once a week or so?

ETA2: Since he's only 10, you should talk to the coach. You can let the coach know that your son would like to do it, but you live farther away and need more planning time. Then listen. It could be that he's just getting it started, and will have a real schedule in the next week or so.

You should not feel like a Grinch. Your son has to learn that not everything can happen when you want it to. He has to learn patience and importance and priority.

School is out and he has to do things locally in your hometown. Not everyone can or will drop everything just to take someone somewhere that was not or was not in a plan. We do want we can and if it does not fit, it does not get done. He has to learn how to be content with what he has and meet local kids that might play ball where you live.

A 35 minute drive to and fro is a lot of time out of other people's lives just to sit and watch and wait for someone. I definitely would not be driving and going home and coming back and going home just for someone to play ball with a group at the tender age of 10/11. If he was on a scout list for professional ball I might consider it but he would be older and have his own driver's license.

Don't start something now that will continue and you cannot complete during his school years. The word NO may be what has to be said to him and he will have to get use to hearing it from you and others. This is a teaching moment for him for the future. I wish you luck and a peaceful summer.

the other S.

PS Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part to get you somewhere when it was not planned.

The thing to do is make/do those other plans so he's too busy to worry about this cobbled together team thing.
Just say 'No' and quickly get other things on the schedule so he won't have a chance to mope about it.
NO WAY would I be driving that sort of distance for a sport.
Summer is for relaxing - not driving yourself into a commuting frenzy.

eI would check to see if it's ok to miss the odd practice or game. Where it is so unstructured, they may be more flexible about stuff like that.

My kids are in something like this, and we only agreed because if a certain night is inconvenient it's not a huge deal to miss the odd night.

If that would make a difference in your decision, it might be worth checking out.

I'm all for getting them out and active so we tend to say yes to this kind of thing, but not at the expense of the rest of the family. We've had to say no as well at times. Which is ok ... kids don't always come first.

Good luck :) I know it's hard!

ETA: just read your SWH. Well - sounds like it's pretty unreasonable. You sound like you've already made up your mind. He will get over it. That is a long drive. Sorry - I didn't catch that first read.

You are only a grinch because I am assuming from the phrase "other mother" that this is a broken family situation and you have one adult willing to do this and one that isnt. You just can't win. Either you say no and she says yes and you are the grinch. Or you go along with it and say yes and resent the boy for causing you this grief.

Like others have said maybe talking to the adult organizer would help you to find out how loose this whole idea really us.

How old is your son? I'm assuming tween or older????

If that is the case, you can tell him that when he can give you a schedule, you will evaluate IF it is something you can make work and if so, consider it. And by make work, you see if it infringes too much on your plans. If so, it's a no. If you can make it work, then fine (but you expect his help with xyz to free up the travel time it will require).

I'm not sure everyone understands this situation. Do you mean that the boys are trying to pull this together or are there adults involved that are just kinda flaky?

If it's anything like the softball/baseball leagues around here it is a huge commitment to participate in tournaments. My 11 year old daughter is currently on an all star team formed from this year's rec season.

They practice at least four times a week and tourney's are every weekend until July 5 and then if they win they continue. Each costs the league (a very well organized, established organization run by lots of tireless ADULT volunteers) $450-$600 per team just to enter. Then there are travel costs, hotel, food, uniforms, costs to get into the actual event for extra family and little things here and there like pitching in for team extras.

It is a lot and honestly our whole family has mixed feelings about it. There is no way a bunch of 10 years old could run a team in this area. If that's what's being proposed then your little guy is being a bit naive and this dream will die a natural death.

Getting together to play ball and work on skills is a great idea and is something the boys could pull off themselves. I would drive 35 mile a couple of times a week for my kid to meet up with like minded friends and play baseball. The whole idea makes me long for the good old days!

ADDED per your SWH:What you're describing is totally normal for a competitive travel team. Why not speak with the coach in depth? As tournaments go you know where you're playing and the location but nothing else until Wed/Thurs the week of. Sundays depend on prior game results so you don't find out game times until Saturday night. You pretty much give yourself up to it for the weekends but for us it is only about 5 weeks and my kid really loves it.

Just call the coach. Questions to ask are: What will this cost us? Is this just a summer thing? (it's pretty late to be forming a summer team) Is it year round? If so RUN. Year round teams are crazy competitive and a huge commitment.