Help! I'm Drowning in Neediness!

Since your mom is an adult, at least technically, that's the relationship that has the most potential for change. You say she's passive-aggressive, so I assume that means she does whatever she can to manipulate you emotionally, through anger, guilt, exasperation, sadness?

Here's an approach that I've learned over many years. I live next door to a mom who was (notice the past tense?) heavy on the neediness. I learned to say things like, "Mom, I hear that you'd really like me to ______. I've considered whether I can fit that in. And, the answer is no."

Two features of that answer: (1) You use the word AND instead of BUT. This indicates that you have considered her wishes, and are placing them on an equal plane with yours. (2) You don't give ANY reasons, excuses, rationalizations for your decision. Thus, there's very little for her to try to argue with. If she lures you into further discussion, you can go as far as speaking in terms of your own needs, as in "Mom, I do understand that this feels very important to you. And I am exhausted and overwhelmed, so the answer is no."

If she powers up the emotional screws, just let her. "I see that you're really unhappy about this. I have to go now. Let's talk again next week."

Consider, maybe in front of a mirror, how free and strong saying that would make you feel. Your mom won't like it – people hate letting go of predictable patterns. She may get angry. She may not speak to you for awhile. She may gossip about you to her neighbors or family. Will any of that be harder than where your relationship is right now?

Good luck. This is an important potential turning point for you. Go for it! My mom is now recovering from surgery, and I'm about to go help her bathe. Her need is real, and I haven't been drained by her manipulation in a long time, so I feel fine about doing this.

What jumps out at me the most is your comment that your mom is passive aggressive. Passive aggressive people are emotionally exhausting! Say no to her and when she lays on the guilt don't feel guilty, let her stew and make herself miserable, that is her choice. She is a grown woman not your responsibility. Do not give her the power over your emotions. Tell yourself when your mother is laying the guilt trip on, that her situation is not your fault or responsibility and that she has choices and if she chooses to be nasty or stew thats her problem. Repeat this often and one day, you will believe it. Thats how I stopped feeling guilty. That will take a little bit of the load off your shoulders.

If you are a perfectionist, stop now. Double the amount of dinner you cook 1 or 2 nights a week that way you can eat leftovers the next night and that will free up some time from cooking. Can you let your kids watch a movie or t.v for a little while so that you can have some quiet time to yourself? I found that when my kids were 3 and 4 that pre-school really helped. They went in the morning from 9-11:30. They had fun doing crafts and meeting other kids. that gave me some free time in the morning. Some of the mothers made friends and a group of us would get together and have playdates either after preschool or on another day. This was nice because the kids played and I socialized with other woman, this helped relieve some of my feelings of being overwhelmed.

Hope you feel better

I would turn the tables on your mom and ask her for help, but in as many small and targetted ways as you can. If you have a list of 10-12 things that you could ask her to do for you, she might get distracted with actually doing something useful for you and stop leaning on you. Examples: please hem these trousers (or take them to tailor...); please find a birthday gift for cousin X, please dig up 2-3 good recipes for turkey breast?

Also, this is a tough moment, your daughter is a terrible age (at least I think 3 is way worse than 2) and your son is also high maintenance because he can't sit up yet and when he cries he is just pathetic and helpless. As soon as he can sit up on his own you will get a break because he can entertain himself -- but not go anywhere for at least 2 months!!! -- and you will get a break.

Do you have babygates that you can put up soon (if not ask Mom to get them!) and perhaps a sturdy playpen (North States metal playyard rocks!) because you will get a break if you can put baby boy someplace where he can be happy without you for a stretch.

Hang in there!

I am totally empathetic. I feel this way for very different reasons, but still feel stretched as thin as I can go. So know you are not alone. I think at one point or another all moms feel like this. (Actually, probably at lots of points).

The thing that got me was that you said that you have no social life. Are you new to your area? Or do you just not see people because you're so busy? I almost always feel better when I'm getting together with friends, even if we're just pooling together all of our kids and having a take-out pizza. It's a good time to comiserate : ) Also, I find that I feel a heck of a lot better about cleaning the house if I know someone else is going to see it. (I mean, it's our toothpaste in the sink - fine for us to see, but gross for someone else, right?) I'd say try to get together with friends once per week, even with the kids, and I bet you'll feel a lot better. I know that, while I love my family to bits, more than 21 consecutive meals with them and no one else makes me a little batty. Oh, and speaking of meals, have dinner just you and your husband once per week after the kids go to bed. It's amazing how relaxing a dinner is when you don't have to get up to get another fork/cup of water/extra napkin/more ketchup/eat your vegetables/etc. : )

Good luck. You are really not alone.

I completely understand. I am home too, and we have three kids - 1,3,5. My Mom lives two blocks away, but honestly she's more stress then help and only "helps" when she feels like it - which isn't often. (Honestly, the price in her guilt.. or comments about my house... or what kind of wife I am.. usually make it not worth it.)

I've just asked some local Moms here for Mommy day out kind of daycares -- I found one I've already written. It's at a church and they watch the kids from 9:30-2pm. I am planning on putting the kids in there two days a week. The price is VERY reasonable.

The other thing you might consider -- The local YMCA's usually have a few locations with daycare. That can work as a good break for you and for the kids.

Good luck :)

I know you have 19 answers, and I just wanted to suggest -if no one else has- to find a moms club or moms group. You get to meet up and have the kids play with other kids their own ages and YOU get to socialize with the other
moms! it is so important and helpful as you need others to share and talk to and it gives you a small village to be part of. Some one to watch the kids for a moment, some time where your mom cannot intrude and a support team of other moms who know how you feel.
Here is one I found: http://www.maineplayplace.com/theplayroomchildrenscenter_...

That's what motherhood is. So if you "accept it" instead of looking for a way out. That alone will make you feel better. Most mothers feel the same way that you do and I did too. The problem is that there is no one else that will do a better job in raising them than you will. I have 4 children (not todlers anymore) that were very close together in age and a husband that worked 80 hrs a week and expected a 4 course meal on the table at dinner time when he got home because he had to go back to work after dinner. It's all in your thoughts!! The rewards will come to you through your children and your accomplishments. I agree with other mothers about getting together with other mothers that are in a simular situation. Just having someone to talk to helps.
Things do get better as they become more independant. It just takes time. The more effort you put into your children, the easier they will be when they get older. So your work is cut out for you right now.
Good Luck! Think positive and look to be the best mother you can be. Again, that "is" your reward at this time in your life. Unless you have some perfect good fairy, "good thought" is the only way out. Make sure your husband still does his share, even though he works and supposedly you don't. You do work every day with your children. So when he's not working, you should be sharing.l
S.

The first one to say no to is your mom, but before (just in case she gets upset) you do that, can you use her to babysit? If she isn't good at handling the kids, you can have her come over and watch tv while the kids sleep (this is the only way we have gotten out of the house in the last 8 months or so as we have no babysitters, my family isn't close by, and my BIL can't handle more than this). Then, either use the time to get some girls time out or, if you are like me and have no social life, even if you had time, go to a movie by yourself, or have a date night. You might also try to find a drop in daycare center just to give yourself some down time. You sound like I do when I start to get cabin fever. Sometimes all I need is a lunch out on the weekend with my boys (we are paying off debt, so this is a rare treat), or even the park. Sometimes when it is bad, I need to just get away, and I don't mean to do the grocery shopping.

Your son and daughter get your attention, not your mother. She should be there for you, not the other way around. Do you have any friends with young children that you can get together with once or twice a week for coffee while the kids play? If not, find some. It will give you an outlet to voice your problems, share your joys and just be with other moms who have the same kinds of problems. Look for mom's groups in your area, ask neighbors, etc..Good luck!

First of all, you need to read the posts in the other question posted today by Jane M. She's trying to do it all, just like you are. It ain't workin'.

Your husband is working 50 hour weeks, but you're probably working 90 hours weeks or more. So there's some inequity there. Sorry he's tired but....

Your daughter may be extra clingy due to the not-so-new baby but it's time for her to learn to deal with other people. If you trust your mother with her, then leave the house for a while. Otherwise, get your husband to pitch in at least on the weekends. You need 2 days off a month at least. If you pump breast milk and the baby will take a bottle, great. Otherwise, he can certainly go for a few hours without you - if he gets hungry, he'll make up for hit when you get home. Get out of the house. And don't do errands. Take yourself to a movie - that's what I used to do. Go browse in a dress store or furniture store even if you aren't buying. Explore a new boutique or go to a greenhouse. Get an ice cream. Or something else - whatever you would enjoy. Take yourself out to lunch - take a book or magazine and just linger over your meal. Don't feel odd - I do it all the time and it's really great to have an entire meal without someone spilling something or you having to go get more juice or someone complaining that they don't like what you cooked. Shut your brain off and do not feel guilty. If you can find a girlfriend with the same issues, then plan a couple of half days together and either let the 2 families manage separately or have a play date together.

I don't know what you can do about your mother. Talking to her may work, or just leaving may work. Sometimes breaking down and having a good cry works - will she mother you if you show you are needy too? If she makes it all about her, then just don't answer the phone and don't be available. Or leave her with your husband and let the 2 of them "bond" and work together with the kids. If she has always been helpless, then it's probably not something you can change - you can only remove yourself from the situation. If this is a new behavior, then she needs to find a social life beyond you. Get her involved in volunteer work or the senior center or the library committee - nobody there wants to listen to her kvetching. If she CAN cope and just won't, then stop enabling her. Do you have any siblings who can help with her, invite her for the week, etc.? You need a helping hand here, and if no one's going to offer it, then you just need to seize it for yourself.

Good luck!

Why is it that some mothers and mothers in law can be like an extra child when they are meant to be an extra mother's hand !!!!!!!!!. Remove yourself from the situation on a REGULAR basis by finding a preschool or creche that you thoroughly check out and leave them in there for a couple of hours a few days a week and take yourself off to a gym, pool, library or whatever your into. Alternatively get hooked up with other mothers with children a similar age to yours and hang out with them, check to see if theres a local community centre in the area where there might be classes etc, what you do is not as important as how often and how regularly you do it. When Im in a stressed phase I go to my local pool 3 times a week and loose myself in a dark steam room and swim up and down the pool until 2 hours are up !!!!!!

did i write this? oh and i also have a MIL that lives 8 minutes away, fun times! I only have the one 16 mo old and she is wonderful too but exhausting! she always wants mommy, nurses like crazy still, and I cant ever put her down or she cries....okay not ever but sometimes it feels like I only have one arm! LOL. I want another one so bad, but I am still too tired from this one LOL. My mom is the same way (30 min away thankfully) and you know as sad as it is I have pretty much cut ties w/ her......you can read about her in something I posted a ways back...I just realized that I need to care for my family and she is a grown women and if she cant figure it out I cant do it for her. I love her of course, but I love my child more (that sounds bad...) I have to look out for her and be sure that she is w/ good people and I had to let it go, I have to let my mom grow up and figure it out for herself and try not to feel badly when she messes up. As for a social life I am a SAHM and I have a great play date social life as mommy but not as myself at this point. I would suggest joining a local mom group (I use meetup.com) as if you find a good group you will make some awesome friends that are not only supportive of you but fun to play w/. you also might get lucky and get a MNO (mom night out) w/ the group members too. I love that I am in the group it is the best thing I could have done bc my DD has the best friends, I have moms I can vent to and we even can watch each others kids so we can get some stuff done, we go out for girls night...not often enough but we do and they even have the best ideas for places to go that I did nto know about. good luck and if you need to vent etc...you can send me a message anytime. xo

Find a preschool your toddler can go to a couple mornings a week to give you a break.
Skip mom if she's no help and find a mom and me group or play group you can bring both kids to. You can meet other moms to help with your social life and give your toddler some much needed run around time.
Teach your toddler that unless she's bleeding to death that she is not allowed to interrupt during nursing time. That way nursing time becomes a break for you to spend with your baby. Tell the older one she has to play in her room or quietly on the floor while mommy nurses the baby. Turn off the phone and turn your nursing sessions into relax time with your baby. That will give you 20 minutes here and there to get a little peace.
If you've got the nursing under control and can do 2 things at once turn nursing time into story time/quiet time where everybody takes a break.
Make sure you offset the baby and me time with toddler and mommy time during naps so that she doesn't feel left out. You don't want to create feelings of jealousy if they aren't there to begin with.
I'm assuming you want your mom to be part of your kids life so I would structure her time with them. Give her very set things to do with the kids such as taking the older one to a park down the street or maybe finger painting in the kitchen or playing hide and seek in the back yard or whatever. Get her doing things with the toddler that don't require your supervision.
I'm thinking your mom probably means well and just doesn't want to do things differently from the way you do them. Just remind your mom that the kids need to learn that different people have different rules and different ways of doing things. It's okay if she doesn't do things exactly the same way you do. The kids will adjust. When they are with grandma they do things grandma's way and at home they do things mom's way. It's all good!
That may help her not be so needy. If nothing else, spell out the rules for her so she has a guideline to follow.
Hope that helps!

My hubby works a lot and I am a SAHM as well, with an almost three year old and a three month old that I bf. So I totally get you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One thing my husband does for me is the second Saturday of the month is my mommies day out. I can go get a pedicure, see a movie, have lunch with a girlfriend, whatever. If I need to have a lot of time, I can pump and he will feed the little one, or I can just cart the little one because at least all I have to do is feed him and let him nap or hold him, he is not in the super demanding phase of life yet!! Anyway, that is one thing we do around here that helps a lot. My oldest was sick on my last mom day so I just skipped and boy am I feeling that now!! Also, can mom handle the kids of a couple hours, at least the three year old? If you and your hubby could just get out and eat together occasionally that would probably help, and maybe make mom feel useful. Even if you take baby, you will still get to talk and relax. My little guy will sleep in his carseat or lay on a blanket in the booth and coo and giggle, so it is not taxing. I forgot how easy having only one little baby was!!!!! Also, when do your kids go to sleep? I find that after the kids are down like on Friday night, my hubby enjoys getting on the computer and I just flop on the bed and veg with the remote for awhile. That is really the only time I get to do that and it is relaxing to watch whatever mindless show that I want, or the cooking channel or just whatever feeds my girly soul at the moment!! Saturday we try to have family time and I make a point to not do a bunch of cleaning on the weekend, even if the house is messy, it is down time for everyone. My mom is single and my sister passed away a little over a year ago and mom retired recently. I am so happy to have her around but on the weekend I don't worry if I miss her call, not trying to avoid her but we need time as a family and she gets that. Even though I know she is going through a lot at the moment, I try to leave the cell phone at home on Saturday if we go anywhere and I just don't worry about where it is if we are home. I think this bothered her at first, but now she is used to it. You have the right to down time at home with the fam. As far as the kids go, sounds normal, but maybe with some other areas balanced out, like a little you time and some time with hubby and some time away from mom, the kids needs won't be so consuming. Above all, hang in there!!!! I know we know this but they won't be small forever:) Sounds like you are doing a great job to me;)

Hi H.,
I had my son at 39. I've been there too! If your mom can't watch the kids without you there then find a place to go--like the gym--that has babysitting available. I know your hubby works hard to support your family, but sometimes just 2 hours by yourself at Starbucks for coffee/book reading on a Saturday morning can feel like a tropical vacation! He can handle the kids for an hour or two. Also, it does get better and it does get--maybe not easier, but different. Hang tough, Mama!

I don't have much of a solution to offer (circus sounds great!) but I feel for you. I also stay home with my 2 yo and 4 mo old and my husband is my third child, my brother is my fourth. He's been unemployed for the past year and comes to my house for a week at a time to eat all my food and leave a mess. However he does help a lot with yardwork and any kind of fix it up type projects, returning empty bottles, taking out trash. So while he is really helpful in some ways it comes at a price. My hubby works a lot and is useless at home, on the weekends he says he just wants to relax, he gave me a huge attitude when I went out to lunch with my sister and left him with the kids for a few hours. HMMMPH, when's my turn to relax anyway??

If your mother is more needy then helpful, maybe you could cut back on time spent with her. While I love my brother and love that he does chores my husband won't do (but should) I also enjoy just being alone at home with the kids sometimes, only cleaning up after me and them, and not having to constantly talk to someone. You just need to weigh the pros and cons of having her around.

Just know that your not alone, us stay at home moms have a lot on our plate and our job is 24/7!

When my children were little, I found that having a small group of friends that didn't get together to talk about their children was very helpful for me. Perhaps there is an adult bookclub you can join, or get together with an old friend that doesn't have kids, or volunteer in an adult organization(without the kids!). You need to be around people that don't need you to be with them, that respect you for just being you and just enjoy being with you. And when you find them, don't burden them with your problems, be the you you were before you had kids, a husband and a needy family. It will be a breath of fresh air for you and revitalize your energy for dealing with all the neediness you are feeling right now. Also, when you are "out" doing this for yourself, you may find the "needy people" in your life can take care of themselves, even if it's just for a little while.

What about joining a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group in your area? You can find local chapters at mops.org (i'm pretty sure that's it). They meet regularly and have childcare during the meetings, so you get to relax a little and have an adult conversation with other moms. Our group has speakers on various topics and lots of additional outings planned. Meetings are probably winding down for the summer, but if you find a group quick, you could find out about their playdates and activities over the summer and start building some friendships....

Been there, burned the T-shirt. Learn to say NO. No to kids, no to Mom, no to hubby. If you don't, you won't be any good to them, yourself, or anyone else.
If you don't set the boundaries, who will? You are teaching them all that you can do it all. You can't. You are human too. You need help sometimes too.
If Mom is so close, couldn't she babysit an evening or afternoon while you have some me time, or just do something without hauling the kids? Hubby works 40 or 50 hours a week. He's still the Dad. Parenting is a 24/7 job. It would do you, him and your kids good for you to get out and let him be with them and see that he can do it.