HELP! I Tried the Cry-it-out Method and I Think I Traumatized My Baby

Dear N.,
I would look deeply into her eyes and tell her very earnestly and sincerely that you are so sorry for letting her cry it out. That you thought this might help her learn to cope, but that you see that it isn't. That you won't ever do that to her again, and that she doesn't have to be worried or upset.
I've been amazed how much my kids understand, and have been wowed at their forgiveness of my mistakes. It seems with my kids that the very act of saying sorry makes their spirits feel so much more peaceful and content.
Hope that helps!
D.

You didn't traumatize your baby. I agree that the dazed look is because she is really tired but is fighting to go to sleep. Of course she is going to cry when you leave the room, because she is realizing she has to try to sleep on her own. The same reaction will happen when you take her to pre-school, kindergarten or a new babysitter. It is a new experience, but a necessary one to develop good sleep habits. At 11 months she can really understand what is going on and will cry to get her way. If she didn't trust you she wouldn't be screaming and reaching out for you. Does your daughter have a blankee or still use a pacifier to soothe her. Every kid will cry when you try something new, but they will get use to it and be better sleepers because of it. Babies that are good sleepers are happy babies and the parents are happier to you. Also, I am not a fan of co-sleeping for 2 reasons. One is that it doesn't give you and your husband alone time to bond and be married and also I think kids should learn healthy sleeping habits at a young age. Good Luck with whatever you try.

Hi N.,
I don't think you traumatized your daughter. I am a HUGE fan of "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth and while he states the CIO method is the fastest way to correct sleep issues (taking 2-7 days) it isn't the only method he suggests as he knows every child and parent is different. What I L. about this book is it explains biological sleep rhythms, how/when they evolve/mature, and what you can do to sync your child's sleep with these naturally occurring cycles to produce the most restorative sleep. One of the biggest things he stress over and over is the need for an early bedtime. He explains that if you are putting your child to bed at the right times there will be minimal protest crying and I have found that to be true with my daughter. When she was your daughter's age she was ASLEEP by 6:30-7pm every night and slept until 6-7am. She would nap around 9am and 1pm in her crib for at least 1 hour. Dr. Weissbluth states that the biggest reason for nightwaking and an early morning wake up is too late a bedtime. He has ALOT of experience is sleep, Google him to see it. Read his book with an open mind and you will get a lot of useful info. I continue to refer to it as Paige goes through each developmental stage and it helps me make the necessary adjustments. Email me if you have questions, I didn't use the CIO, more of a modified CIO, but it takes consistency and patience for 1-2 weeks.
Sincerely,
L.

N.,
There is no way you have caused your child permanent trauma by letting her cry! One night of crying is not going to change the emotional make-up of your child. Change is difficult, and babies eventually do need to learn to self-soothe, which will involve some crying. A friend of mine who co-slept with her baby started by putting a crib in her and her husband's bedroom, right next to their bed. Every few days they would move the crib a few feet away, into the hallway, and finally into their daughter's room. They did this under the supervision of a sleep expert recommended by their pediatrician's office. You are not crazy, but you will make yourself crazy if you project grown-up feelings and reasoning into the looks on your 11 mos old's face. She was staring, but that does not mean she is in a different zone, traumatized somehow. Please keep in mind that babies naturally go through periods of separation anxiety, independent of what we do as parents. It sounds like maybe your CIO experiment coincided with this. As for CIO, all I can tell you is that our pediatrician said to let our son cry for about 30 minutes, after which we could go in and put a hand on our son's back so that he knew we were there. We were not to pick him up, and, in particular, we were not to speak to him, turn on the light, etc., anything that might indicate it was not time to sleep. At no point did we just ignore his crying completely. He had tummy issues, and we could tell by his body language if that's what was going on. We would peek in quickly, and if he was not showing signs of a tummy ache, we would let him be for 30 minutes. That worked quickly for us. Contrary to what some have said, my (now 5 yo) son trusts us completely and is a well-adjusted, happy kid, despite going through two nights of modified CIO (modified by our going in after 30 minutes to put a hand on his belly), and he always calls to us at night if he isn't feeling well or needs something. At no point did he "give up" on reaching out to us when he was in pain or had woken up from a nightmare, etc.
K.

Hi N.,
I'm sorry it didn't go well for you! I know how hard CIO can be. It is what we did with our first daughter and it was TOUGH. Harder on me than on her, I'm sure. She does not seem to bear any lasting scars (she's now almost 6). *I*, however, still recall those 3 days with perfect and lasting clarity. =)

If it makes you feel any better, I think when you went in to check on her, probably she had the "dazed" look because she was about to fall asleep.

In an effort to avoid CIO with our second child, I read "On Becoming BabyWise" by Gary Ezzo on the advice of a friend of mine. It worked GREAT for us. Our little one never cried it out and slept through the night at 6 weeks; it was very painless. As I followed the method with a newborn, I'm not sure what he recommends for a 1 year old but I know he did cover that in the book. He does also address not nursing them to sleep (as they do not get a full meal, and they never learn to fall asleep on their own).

My suggestion is to try nursing 30 minutes before bedtime, and then bath (or story, or whatever), then bedtime. The trick is to put her down early (7pm or earlier), when she is tired but not exhausted. Exhausted babies are not able to self-soothe and she won't be successful. Lay her down with her favorite lovey (blanket or doll, pacifier, soft music) and let her try to fall asleep on her own. If she begins to fuss, walk in and quietly tell her, "Mommy is here but it's time to go to sleep." and then leave the room. She may fuss a bit, but that is ok. It's all part of your baby learning to settle herself down. Give her a few more minutes and then if she is still fussing, go back in and tell her, "Mommy is here but it's time to go to sleep." Just be gentle with her, lay your hand on her if you want, but don't pick her up. Rather than settling her down, that would rile her up again. I'd try this with naptime first, and then work your way up to bedtime. Remember, she is looking to you for cues on what she is supposed to be doing, so let her know what you would like her to do and help her learn it. You may be surprised that after some resistance (because that's what toddlers are programmed for!), she will fall in with whatever you want to happen.

I hope this helps. Take heart. Remember that learning to go to sleep by herself will be an extremely useful skill as she moves on through life. Like many other stages you'll go through (learning to walk, learning to talk, potty training, and learning to read, to name a few), your child will be frustrated as she wants to do things but doesn't have the skills yet to master the task. It's ok for her to be frustrated because that is what will compel her to learn and master new skills. It's hard to watch our precious babies struggle, but it's what we have to do to help them be successful. Hang in there!

I doubt that your daughter is "traumatized". She's just angry with you. She was use to things be one way and didn't like it when you changed it on her. Continue to be the good mother to her that you already are and she will trust you again in no time. To make her crib a "good" place again try putting her in it an playing music and dancing. My daughter loves it when I dance for her. Some times I'll put her clean laundry in the crib with her and dance and fold while she watches.

I'm not a fan of the CIO method. I think it trains a child way too young to fend for himself and to makes him feel alone. That is MY opinion though and I know that others will totally disagree with me. I too nurse my son right before bed, but I make sure he is awake enough that he learns to soothe himself. Maybe try taking her off the breast a bit earlier than when she would fall asleep. Some days my son doesn't want to nurse before bed. But it's a time for me to just be quiet with him... where he is my only focus. Dad can put him to bed just as easily as I can though.
I am going to read the Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child book. Maybe that would be a good place for you too.

I know it's tough, I've done it with both of my girls and believe me they put up a fight. But sleeping in our bed just was not an option. They are 5 and 2, they both sleep through the night for an average of 10-12 hours and that was not always the case.
With my first one I felt so bad that I'd stop and then I'd resolve to do it again because I was so tired from getting up during the night. That made it so much worse. If you're going to do it, you have to stick with it otherwise you're sending them mixed messages and they know that you'll cave in so they just keep crying.
One thing that helped was placing a tshirt or cloth diaper or something that YOU have slept with and giving it to them to sleep with so they will still feel like they have you with them. You can also try (and this will take some effort on your part but in the end having an independent sleeper is sooooo worth it!) sitting by their crib and talking to them or singing softly just so they have you near them but not picking them up. If you do it in increments and shorten them (10 min, go away, 5 min, go away, etc) they will slowly get the idea that they aren't getting up and it might help them not be so upset just because they're in the crib. Hope it helps, being a mom is hard and somethings are difficult while you're going through them but the payout at the end is what makes it worth while. I now have no problems with sleep and trust me you will have plenty of other problems popping up over the years to come, deal with the ones you can while you can. Good luck!

I am sorry you went through this! I am going to offer a different perspective than most of the previous responses. Please see http://www.ezzo.info/babywise.htm for more information about Babywise and the CIO method. Your instinct that her trust in you was shaken is correct. The CIO method is not right at any age, because it does interfere with the trust you have developed. Some babies just give up faster and easier than others, making it seem like a "successful" method, but it's not about IF it works but WHY. It works by convincing the baby to just don't bother signaling for help anymore because no one is going to answer. That's very unfortunate, but luckily some babies like yours (and mine!) are more outspoken and tell us exactly how it makes them feel, if we only listen.

I am sure that in time you can set things right again. I suggest in the next few days/weeks, plenty of physical contact with your daughter (a carrier like a mei tai, wrap or sling is super for this and helps improve contentment even when babies aren't stressed) and as a pp said, lots of eye contact and touch while you are nursing. Tell her you are always there for her, even if she doesn't understand every word the reassuring tone is getting through.

You might try placing a tempting toy in the crib and letting her play with it only in there for a few minutes during the day, and remove her before she gets bored or upset. That way you begin to build positive associations with the crib again.

I feel for you, I have a daughter who is turning one this week and she wakes usually three times a night too.

You might take a look at www.thebabywearer.com for tips from other moms on how they use their carriers to increase contact and soothe their babes in times of stress. There is also a great FSOT (for sale or trade) forum there where you can find a used carrier at a good price, which makes it possible to try different kinds & find what works best for you.

I am so sorry that you had that experence. i am sure that did not do any harm. It was just to much to fast for her. Slow way down. Is her crib in her own room or in your room? If you have the space in your room move her crib there. it might make her feel safer if she can see you. But it could also make it worse so give it a shot and if it does not work move her crib back. You just need to do what is right for your family. Don't worry about what everyone says is the right thing to do. If it does not work for you and your daughter then it is not right. Forgive your self for this small mistake and start over.
i am sure you well find what works for you.

What worked for us was a well established and strickly followed bed time routine. It did take two months to work but know James just falls alseep all by himself in his crib for naps and at night. He actually just started to sleep through the night. i don't mean 6 hours, from 6:30 to 7 in the morning. i think what actually did it was that he weaned himself off of the breast and was only taking bottles. Bottles were to much work for him in the middle of the night.

Good luck
A.

I think Molly S had great advice! I personally did use the CIO method, but I did other things as well to help them feel comfortable and the Crying didn't last that long after I tried the other things too. First like Molly said give her a little time during the day and increase it gradually. Also, if she has a security blanket or toy, stuffed animal what ever she uses for "security" make sure she has it with her. When I started them out in their cribs, I laid in their rooms with them for a while. (My son's room had a futon in it, I had to lay on the floor in my daughter's room, although she totally preferred being left alone to go to sleep). I always put my kids to sleep with soft lullaby music and a night light. I myself(prior to my husband) always set my clock radio to play music til I fell asleep, so I thought it might be comforting for my kids as well, and it was. So with their favorite blanket or stuffed animal, a night light and soft lullaby music they ended up learning how to comfort themselves and put themselves to sleep rather quickly. Please don;t be so hard on yourself, I am sure your baby is not as traumatized as you think, she will be just fine!!! I PROMISE YOU!!! There are much worse things you could have done thatn let her cry for a wheil, I am sure she feels how bad you feel and sees the love in your eyes and feels the love of your hugs and kisses!!! Fortunatly for us parents children are quite resilant! If you are comforatable with her sleeping with you than continue. If at some point you feel you need to try again, try what I did and see if it works, it may it may not, all kids are different! GOOD LUCK AND TRY NOT TO BE SOOO HARD on your self!

I couldn't do the CIO method either. So I just read the No Cry Sleep Solution. In it she explains that having calm, fun time in the crib with your child can help heal some of that fear for her. Maybe some other trust building activities would help. The author also suggests moving away from your daughter when she is content and playing but making sure she can hear you. I do that with my daughter, I also smile and talk to her when she looks for me. Don't be too hard on yourself, we're doing a tough job. I believe with patience and creativity you can work this out.
Good Luck!

Hi N.,

I feel your pain. I felt the same way when I tried the CIO method- But stop blaming yourself- you sound like an awesome parent and I am positive that you didn't traumatize your daughter~ I agree that CIO works for some, but it didn't work for us either. What worked for me is to establish a regular routine and stick with it. That way when it is bedtime, they know what to expect and what is next. Here is just a suggestion of what you could do: dinner, bath,quiet books,feeding, singing to sleep and bedtime. I know the transition to the crib is hard- so try putting her in there in the afternoon and put some toys in there with her- let her know its a safe, happy place and stay in the room while she plays. Place her in there several times for short periods of time(in the daytime) like 2-5 minutes and as she gets more comfortable, increase the time that she is in there. Then as she adjusts, you can decide when you want to try it at night with her. You can just start with naps in the day time and then as she gets comfortable with it, you can place her in there very sleepy but still awake at night. Pat her gently and sing to her and keep your hand on her until she falls asleep. As time goes by, she will learn its ok to fall asleep in there and she will be fine! I hope this helps you-- Also, have you read the book The happiest Baby on the Block? (by harvey karp) or The happiest Toddler on the block is great as well. I would highly rec. them to anyone!

Take care,

Molly