Help! I Have a Child That Wants Be Held All All the Time.

If he was never like this before, then it seems to me he needs held. He's really too young to manipulate you and thus become "spoiled", he's just crying out for something he needs. Don't overlook the healing that comes with touch (i.e. Reiki and a multitude of other alternative healing therapies). I say, get one of those carriers and carry him as much as possible right now until he lets you know he doesn't need it anymore. Unlike us adults, children listen to their bodies and instinctively know what they need. Maybe try interacting physically also when you put him down, there are some nice non-toxic baby massage kits out there. Just my opinion and just a thought.

J.

Pick him up! He will only be a baby for a little while and the more you hold him now, the more independent he will be later. Like others have said, buy a sling and keep it simple with meals and housework. You can't spoil a baby. They don't have the ability to manipulate until they start to walk. From walking to 18 months is when the real work of disciplining begins. Good Luck!

I've noticed with my three little girls that sickness or travel or anything that upsets their regular routine will throw everything off. And then it takes a good long while (often sometimes 2 months) to get back to their regular routine. I know it's frustrating and you can't always hold the baby, but I really don't think you're spoiling him. If you don't take the opportunity to hold him now when he needs it, you'll wish you had a few years down the road when he doesn't want to be held. They're only little for such a short time!

First of all, I want you to know that what I am about to say is NOT intended to be mean, nasty or malicious. I truly believe this is the case, so please bare with me.

First, no child under 1 year of age is spoiled - just well loved!

When you are there for your son unconditionally, you teach him to be a secure, independant child (and later adult). That is why he'll play alone for periods of time. Because he knows the minute he needs you, you'll come get him. Then he got sick.... When a child is ill, they just want to be held close, snuggled, and made to feel better. Who better to do that than mommy. It sometimes take weeks for anyone to feel 100% better after illness. If you then let him cry it out, he quickly learns that when he needs you, you are not there for him, and he learns to be clingy and needy.

If you can just be there for him, picking him up if he needs to be held, and not letting him cry. He will very soon realize that you ARE there for him whenever he needs you. And he'll return to his old ways. I know this can be a trying time. Get a sling and wear him on your hip. He'll get bored in it eventually and want to be on the floor playing again.

Be patient, "This to shall pass."
Hope he gets better really fast!
J.

One word: BabyBjorn!! Hands-free baby holding :)

Obviously, your baby needs you right now. Here is a chance to show him you will be there when he needs you. It won't last forever. All babies go through phases like this!

Hello. I have five children and know how hard it can be at times. I agree with alot of the other replies: taking him to the doctor, getting a sling ( I recommend Hug-A-Bub or any of the slings from the website cottoncradles. They are awesome!). Some one recommended message which is such a great thing to do with a baby, fussy or not. It can help relax his muscles and body and it is an opportunity for you and him to have skin-to-skin contact in a really healthy, nurturing way, both body and spirit. I would use essential oils when for the massage and do some research on essential oils that are safe and good to use for a fussy baby. And I agree, you cannot spoil a baby a 6 months. His crying is his way of communicating with you. He is too young to manipulate. Check out Dr.Sears website. He has great and insightful articles about babies and crying and there might be some good advice and encouragement there too. I do not believe in putting a crying baby into a room and letting them "cry it out", but sometimes I think it is ok to let them cry, to not instantly pick them up when they start to cry. Sometimes we need to gather ourselves up first so we can give them what we need. Sometimes that means we take a moment before we pick up our crying baby. When you are going through this it can feel like it will never end, but it will pass. I also have a recommendation for yourself that might help you. I would try taking 5-10 minutes out of the day to meditate. It will calm your thinking and relax your body and if practiced regularly can touch all aspects of your life. Babies can pick-up on our stress and I think it makes them more stressed. If you can tap into that mental state you experience in meditation, it might not stop the baby from crying, but it can help you stay more calm, more peaceful, in body and mind. I think over time the baby will respond positively to this and so will you. There are just so many benefits and you can adapt it to fit your needs. I know how hard this is for you and just remember you love your son and are doing your best for him. All we can do is our best. And that is good enough. Don't define yourself by your human experiences. Remember your Spiritual Being. That is your True Essence.
With Much Love and Prayers.
Bless

This may or may not be helpful - my son (21 months) goes through phases like you described. Sometimes we have to be holding or right next to him for him to be happy, other times he'll play alone for an or so at a time. He's gone in and out of the kind of phase you described since he was about your son's age. Sometimes the phase is brought on by being sick or teething and will last a week or so after. Sometimes it just seems to come out of nowhere. I've heard from other parents that some kids are just like this, especially boys. I'm from the school of thought that you don't think you can spoil a six month old. If he is clingy, he has some kind of reason for it - even if we can't always figure out what it is. Infants that young are expressing needs. They don't usually have an agenda or a plan to manipulate the adults around them. What has worked for me is to just ride it out while it lasts (and I know how exhausting that can be). It will pass and hopefully you'll have a good break before his next 'needy/clingy' phase.

Although the flu may have influenced it, I think it may also be a phase. I have a daughter who is acting the same way, and a friend of mine has a son that's been the same. These two are between 5 and 7 months. Try a baby carrier like a Baby Bjorn or something. Sometimes that helps you get a few things done anyway! My other children weren't quite as bad as my current one, so I am feeling the frustration also. I don't think you need to feel guilty for letting him cry a little while, but you also don't need to feel guilty for picking him up either. I don't think it will spoil him if you don't pick him up ALL the time and IMMEDIATELY when he cries. Hopefully he will soon grow out of it! (My 7-yr.-old can't STAND for the baby to cry. His whining is almost as bad as the baby crying!) Good luck!

Is it bad that your child wants to be close to you? I just don't see the problem, personally, because you can't spoil a baby with love! He's probably just going through a phase, and will grow out of it. Trust me, have him close whenever you can! My son is only 14 months and doesn't want to be snuggled any more... he wants to be so independent. Enjoy the time you have with him when he is little, it goes fast!!! I would buy a baby carrier, so that you can satisfy his needs, be close to him, and still get work done. The babysitter can wear it too. I can direct you to some good carriers if you need advice. Good luck!

Hold him. He's a baby. It's instinctive for him to want to be held. You're his security right now, especially since he's just gotten over being sick. If you need to put him down to do something, by all means, put him down. But purposefully ignoring his cries to "help him get over this phase" will have the exact opposite effect. He's not trying to manipulate you, he's not spoiled. He'll get over it in his time, not yours, if you allow him to do so. It won't be this way forever, I promise! Hang in there! He'll be fine, and so will you.

Not spoiled, he just remembers when you aren't holding him, he hurts. Start by sitting on the floor with him in your lap and play with something to the side, slightly out of his reach. Slowly he'll get interested (& by slowly it could take a few days). If possible get your daughter to sit down & play also. He has to feel okay with getting down, with you there so he has that "safe place" and knowing that the pain (stomach flu) isn't coming back. By "letting him cry it out" he cries until his stomach hurts (see, the pain came back) proving that the only safe place is in your arms. Be patient and take this chance to play, it's good for the nerves!

Hi T.. I think I remember reading somewhere that sometimes when kiddos are going through a developmental stage (learning something new - like maybe sitting, crawling, eating solids, rolling over etc.) they may wake up more, need more holding, etc. I don't think you spoiled him when he was sick. He needed you and loves being held and you gave him what he needed! It's a good thing. I've taken to wearing my baby in a Moby wrap (got mind at Other Mothers by Old Navy on I-40/San Mateo) when she needs more holding but I also need to get stuff done around the house. I figure it's really not that long before she's a teenager and doesn't want me hugging her anyway! But yah, try the Moby wrap or something similar like a Baby Bjorn.

Crying is the only way a 6mo old child can communicate with you. I think leaving him to CIO is cruel and will harm your relationship and his sense of security for the short and long term. Babywearing is a good solution for you and the other adults involved. There are a lot of great ways to do that just do a Google search.

Hi T.,
I have a 6 month old that has been like that her whole baby life. What I do is carry her in a carrier parts of the day while I do housework or whatever for periods of time. She is 20+ lbs. at this point so I can't obviously do it all day long but just wearing her for 20-30 min periods really helps her feel close to me and it seems to help her tolerate sitting on her own better when I do put her down. Babies have historically been carried all day non-stop. It's pretty natural to want to be near mommy, esp. after being really sick and feeling crappy. Soon he'll be on the run. Enjoy the closeness even though it can be annoying right now. It's all about to shift soon. Good luck, S.

Hi, it sounds like a phase to me, especially since he has been sick. My 5 1/2 month old did the same thing when he got sick, but now he's back to entertaining himself much of the time. Also, maybe he's teething? I recommend getting yourself an ergo baby carrier (i think they're the most comfortable), and wearing your son a lot until this phase is over. Hope that helps and good luck!

I absolutely agree with the comments that a baby cannot be spoiled. Babies cry because they need something, and some babies need to be held and comforted more than others. My daughter never wanted to be put down when she was small, and now as a toddler she's very independent - it's because she knows if she needs me I'll be there. The more you respond to him now, the less "clingy" he'll be later!

I have four children, and all but one went through that. Of all the baby carriers I've used, I recently found an "Ergo Carrier." Wish I found it earlier. I can carry around my youngest, and get all sorts of stuff done! It's also the only one I've used that I dont' worry about her falling out, and it supports her back for good posture. As far as when they get older, I get compliments all the time about the older ones being secure and loving. Isn't that what we want? =)

All i can say is you can never hold a baby too much. They need to be coddled and there is probably a reason he is needing to be held and touched. I have a 3 year old a 22 month old and a week old baby...all boys and jsut from experience that is what i have found they cry b/c they need something.

Please, hold him. Babies want and need to be held -- it is not a luxury for them, but a survival strategy. They thrive physically, physiologically, and emotionally when they are in the arms of their mother, father, or caregiver as much as possible. Holding them makes them feel safe, secure, and loved, while also stimulating their nervous system to integrate their motor activity. Crying is his only way of telling you what his need is -- to be held. Picking him up when he cries will in no way spoil him -- it will help him learn to trust that his needs will be met.

Get a Moby Wrap or a Baby Bjorn or a sling or an Ergo baby carrier or any of the other great ways to carry your baby and still have freedom to do what you need to do. Everyone will be happier. And he will grow into a happy, loving and secure person who will soon enough be independent of you -- because he trusts you, not because he's been "trained" to be independent.

Does he hold his hands in fist a lot? If so try homeopathic Chamomilla, 30x. They are in a milk sugar base. Just put one tablet in his mouth and it will melt immediately. If there's no relief, repeat in five minutes x two. If three doses don't make a change, he needs a different remedy. If this works, then you only repeat it when he has trouble again. Sometimes one or a few doses does it and the problem never returns.
Homeopathy is natural, safe, effective and inexpensive. Most health food stores carry them or natural pharmacies or grocers like trader Joe's.
I am a mother of four, grandmother of two and a midwife with two books of birth stories out. My website has info about homeopathy in pregnancy and birth. www.inspiringbirthstories.com
Best of luck to you D.

Hey T.

My ideas for your child that wants to be held all the time is for you to give him scenarios where he can be involved in discovering while you and others do things. There is a baby play gym, the best way to describe it is as a triangle A frame device with things hanging down from it. This will give him things to do as he lays down on his back. Apart from that, set up a discovery cupboard of tupperware containers in the kitchen with some saucepan lids (if you can handle the noise). Also, home made play devices (plastic containers with rice inside decorated as you like), metal containers with strings for making a walkie talkie, the list goes on!

Hope this helps

Working mother and student with an active 4 year old!

he will cry but when you dont want to hold him let him cry it out he wont do it forever and its just like anything els if a child is getting something for a while and then you take it away he or she is going to cry about it once he is not being held all the time thats what he will be a custem to and wont cry about it any more

I hope this would help: keep him warm and fed and changed, put a pillow behind his back and front(put leg on it) when you lay him down on the side, that will make him feel like someone is holding him. I will be praying for him so he can feel secure with the pillows. I have an angel pillow if you like me to send it to you, you can email me your address. I am a grandma of a 11 and 8 year olds. I have four children, that I never had to carry them most of the time, someone else will be doing it because they want to do it when they watch my children, my mother spoiled them. I do spoil my grandson, too, but with food mostly.

L.
____@____.com

I would double-check that he is not sick still. Are you sure he had the flu? My daughter had a double ear-infection once and vomited at random for almost 2 weeks before I took her in (it wasn't everyday and she didn't have any other symptoms or I would have taken her in sooner). Also, if he is teething he might be uncomfortable.

He is also starting to head into the separation anxiety phase of his life (although earlier than most I think). You might want to try playing "where's Mommy" games with him. Start with him on your lap with a blanket barely over your head and say "where's mommy?". When he pulls it off, laugh and cheer like mad. Play this over and over again. Then put the blankie on him and repeat "where's mommy?" and when he pulls the blankie off laugh and cheer. Have your 2 year-old get in on the fun too. This helps him to understand that when you are not right in front of him, you will come back. Eventually you can set him down and hide behind the couch or whatever. But if you make a big deal about it every time you pop up, he will think its a fun game.

The other thing is try to monitor how you (and everyone else) is reacting to his crying. If you are stressed out about it, he will sense that and react to that. If you are calm, chances are he will be calm as well (or calmer).

I don't think you spoiled him. Honestly, I think you should take advantage of every second he wants you to hold him simply because in just a few short months he will be walking and most likely won't want you to hold him anymore. I know that was the case with all of my kids (including my newest baby who is just 8 months and crawling like mad...no Mommy time for him!) Obviously, if you can't hold him, you can't hold him and he'll have to learn that, but I think you should continue to pick him up if you can. Studies have shown that babies who have their needs met right away actually become MORE independent in the long run (and I've seen it with my kids). For him that might be a need to be cuddled--he very well could be scared you might not come back and I know I would want some reassurance. Of course that doesn't mean drop what you're doing every time he makes a sound, but if it is reasonable (like you (or your husband) are relaxing while watching tv) hold him. After a few days (or a week or two), he'll be wanting to climb off your lap and play...I'm sure of it. A baby who is learning all sorts of new stuff doesn't have time to sit still!

Not sure if he has been to the dr to have his ears checked. He may have an ear infection or teething. I would call the dr office though and have them do a once over. That is odd to have such a change in his behavior even if was loved on more then ususal.

My son is 8 months old, and he's also been sick. He wanted to be held the whole time while he was sick, and he's still like that. It's gradually getting better to where he wants to play. I know it's hard when you have things that need done. Personally, I let my house work go, and do simple meals. I have a baby sling I wear if I really need to get the dishes done. Babies are happy if they are close to you, and baby slings are amazing. I bought mine new for $55.00. It worked great when he was an infant, but now I need to wear it a different way, and I can not tighten it because I bought a size too big so my husband could use it too, but he never does. If you want a large size, over 145 lbs for the parent, I will sale it for $40.00. You can also go to babyslings.com. Mine is like new with tiger and blue clouds. I've really liked it. It's just too big now. If I sale mine, it will give me an excuse to buy the correct size. S. ###-###-####

Hi T.,
I know how you feel, but remember your baby is only 6 months and can communicate only by smiling, crying, and making baby sounds. Your child is seeing, feeling and touching new things everyday. (He) has found that the best feeling right now is your touch and the cuddling you have been giving him. If you are nursing (he) has the answer to an empty tummy right there! If you are not nursing (he) is just enjoying your touch.
Babies go through alot of changes not only emotionally but physically. Be patient. Before you know it you will be running after (him) to get a hug!
Granny

Have you taken him to a dr. Having somach flu,he could have strained something. My first thoughts though are with his ears(like build up,or strain). And then when put down, may cause areas to hurt.
If you have and that is not the case,what I would do is when I put him down I would give him something fun to play with,a small ball and roll it to him, tickle him, play peek a boo and other such things. When you pick him up, don't show the attention. Let him see it is more fun to not be held. Get a baby's swing and put him in it to rock, back and forth, and talk to him as you do things around him. Something my sons loved was,I would do the vac. when my sons were on the floor( safe dist.away) or in the swing, or the play pen. They loved the vibrations that they felt and at times it would put them to sleep.
Hope this may help, Good luck

I am sooo sorry for your frustration! With my kids, every time they got sick! I am talking EVERY TIME! We would have to "retrain" them....I don't know how else to put it! When they are sick, it is hard to keep a routine, they get use to having your full attention reallllllly fast! They do not like to relinquish your attention! What I do, and this is just my opinion, is we have three night of a LOT of crying and they usually go back to normal. It some times took longer, but eventually they will realize that you are still going to love them even if they do sleep! hehe! If you get what I mean! IT is hard sometimes, so good luck! Getting sick kids to get back into a routine is not my favorite part of being a mom! I hate to have them sad! But in the end it all works out, and kids are unconditional and they forget easily! Good luck

I can relate! I went through it too. I finally ended up doing what seemed the worst thing to do b/c it broke my heart. I let him cry it out (only by the pushing of my boyfriend--he literally had to hold me down). To the point that he was throwing up b/c he was so upset (he would cry for an hour about then the throwing up started--and would continue crying for at least another 45 mins b4 he would give up). He did this more than once before it finally got through to him that I wasn't going to pick him up all the time. He continued to try this until he was about 4. It is possible he is still suffering from some lasting effects of the flu, but I believe you are correct and he found out he likes it. Now that my son is 9, all I can say is stick to it! I see reprecussions from him being spoiled at a younger age on many different fronts. Don't give up, you'll be in a world of problems, that will continue all of his life just in different scenarios. Be firm, still give him love of course, but on your time and availability, and BE CONSISTENT!!!! If you've decided to let him "cry it out" then continue to do that and have your hubby and babysitter do it too. Be a united front against the problem, he will pick up who he can get away with things with and who he can't, even at this age. I made many mistakes regarding what seems like such a miniscule little thing...it's not! Keep working at it. Another thing you can try is positive reinforcement. Get his attention on something else, lay him on the floor with toys, when he starts crying move him to something else, etc... but don't hold him until it's time for you two to have your cuddle time. I.E. after he eats and baths etc.. Don't know if I helped, but do know what it can lead to and please just stand firm and keep your head up he will get over it, just don't let him take over you!

Hi T.,

Sorry to hear of your troubles!

Babies generally start teething at this age. He could be experiencing some significant pain (for the first time in his short life) and wants some comfort. See if giving some Tylenol helps.

Aside from that, since this is so out of character for your son, take him to the pediatrician to get checked out. They can look him over and make sure there are no hidden medical problems such as an ear infection. If nothing else, they can at least offer some advice on dealing with his fussiness. And (assuming you have insurance) all you'll be out is your co-pay.

I really hesitate to say this is some sort of "phase" for your son. A change this extreme should NOT be ignored.

I urge you to get him checked out...

-S.

Hi T.,
I'm a grandmother and the founder of Lutheran Family Services in NM.
Your son is not "spoiled" but he did learn that crying gets attention. He now needs to learn to get attention in more positive ways. The best way is to have the attentention shared by his sister.
Put your son in the baby swing. Pull a table or chair that is high enough for him to see from the swing in front of the table.
Play with some bright colored toys with your daughter in front of the baby. Keep encouraging him to join in by "giving him a turn>"
If your daughter can say, "It's your turn." in a happy voice, encourage her to do that. Respond to your daughter (not your son). Tell your daughter, "That's nice to share." and "I like to see you and your baby brother playing." Make sure your daughter knows the "secret" ahead of time. Even if Baby keeps crying, she can keep playing with him and he will soon stop when he sees that she gets the attention that he wants by "playing along" and not crying.
Stay rested.
Granny Annie

I think you have to outlast him. You have to let him cry over 20 minutes (since you already know he can last that long), maybe go 25 minutes then if he's still crying pick, him up, next time go 30, and keep stretching it out. We had to do this with out first daughter with bedtime, she wanted to be held all the time. I pray that it will work sooner than later, it is so hard to listen to them cry, I know.

I do agree with what many of the mothers have said, but he may have just got used to being held so much, maybe he seems better, but still not feeling all the way back to normal. I do also think you can't spoil them too much at that age, but once they know you will hold them all the time, they often do expect it.

Take care,
K.

Well, I have a 2 year old son and 1 year old twins, and I went through this same thing with my 2 year old....now I'm going through it with my daughter, although I think she has been worse. I cannot even leave the room when she is eating in her highchair! I have to say, the best thing you can do, is to re-assure them they are okay, and to let them cry. My daughter will cry & cry when i'm in the room, but once I leave the room she stops after 10 minutes and begins to play on her own. When I come back, I always make it a big deal that she did so good playing on her own and then I pick her up. I do not pick her up when she is crying and i tell her in a firm voice that she needs to stop and that she is okay. It's just a phase, and my daughter was not like this until we got back from a vacation we took. They do outgrow it, and this is a learning experience for them as well! They will eventually realize that mommy is not going to be able to pick them up every time they cry! That would be nearly impossible for me to do since she wants to be held the entire time she is awake! I think that is a great idea to start playing "where's mommy" with her...she will get the idea that mommy is gone, and then comes back.

Try to swaddle him. If you have a swing it may help due to the rocking. If that does not work, have soothing music such as jazz or classical next to him along with one of those bears that have a heartbeat sound next to him. It worked for me.

My child thrives with touch too. It's not a sign of anything but a smart and determined soul who knows what they need. I raised my "high maintenance child" alone. She became more high maintenance after a scary respiratory illness. She still needs reassurance and to be cuddled from time to time but she is definitely an independent individual as well. It gets easier with time and growing up.

Babies who need touch, need touch. It's part of their connection style and learning how to be in the body. Hold your baby. He is alert, aware and wants to be part of the action. He is learning. do you what you can and take space when you feel nuts with it all and breath and then go back to supporting him. It'll pay off in the long run, ten thousand fold!

I wonder if you should take him to the doctor to make sure his tummy is ok. Ever have a stomach ache and need to curl up in the fetal position to find comfort? Maybe it is still something physical and not emotional. He seems like a great little guy.

T.-
This is very normal for them to want to be held after a sickness. Especially the flu. When they get sick like that it actually can scare them and they want to be held for reassurance that they are better. Sometimes it is also hard to get them to eat again, cause they fear being sick all over. But it will fade with time and you just have to be patience. I have a friend that just went through the same thing. I told her to just put him down and sit next to him and play. Then get up and go get a drink or something and let him cry for a few minutes to let him know he is ok. Call out to him but don't run to him and each time stay away a little longer. It does get better. I have three and have been through it with all of them. Hope this helps.
S. C

First of all, I know that it is really hard to be available all the time to hold a baby. However, it sounds obvious to me that this is what he is needing at this time. Forget about the concern that he is 'spoiled'. Food spoils, babies dont! He may not be feeling 100% and being held gives him the comfort he needs. It is hard to say the reason, but just trust that your baby knows what he needs and give him what he needs. I can promise you, he wont grow into an adult and want to be held! Listen to your heart and not the tapes in your head that say "baby will get spoiled, baby will get spoiled." Enjoy your baby...they grow up so very fast and it wont be long, he wont even want you to hold him, and you will want to!

I recommend getting a sling and wearing your child when you can. I think it's okay if he cries for a few minutes, but when you can, wear him while you do what you need to around the house so his needs are being met while you are able to get things done. I wear my baby girl even though she isn't very clingy and she gets so calm and seems very interested as I describe what I am doing to her.

A bit of advice though--get the right size. I was given one that was too large for me and it wouldn't hold my baby close enough to me and I had to support him with my arms (defeating one of the purposes of wearing a sling), so make sure you have one that will allow you too tighten it secure and snug. I did a lot of research before buying my sling and it works great. I still sometimes wear my toddler when I'm cleaning or preparing dinner and he's bored and tugging at my legs or underfoot. He loves being "worn" and brings it to me. Anyways, after reading up on different kinds, I bought an Over the Shoulder Baby Holder on ebay for $10. www.KangarooKorner.com was a great resource and you can also buy their slings from their website or find some of them on ebay for a discount . They have a page that describes and shows pics on how to wear different slings properly: http://kangarookorner.com/wearing.aspx