Help, I Feel So Frustrated with My 10 Year Old Daughter

I strongly believe that honesty and personal responsibility are the two most important principles here. I think you have already received a lot of wonderful advice, as the mother of two teenage daughters and four younger sons I can tell you that what you are trying to do now will save you heartache later. These issues will continue to come up. Each time, just hit them pretty hard and fast and they will go away pretty quickly. When I find my girls lying to me, they have to endure a loving discussion of why honesty is so important in this world, and then they lose everything I can think of for a week or two depending on the severity. Phone, TV, Computer, Friends, Sports, etc. They know it is my job to discipline when things go wrong. I am showing them how important it is. Then life goes on and they do a great job! By the way, they are great girls. I am very proud of them, but everyone tests their limits from time to time. I just let them know where I stand.

One note about age 10, make sure that any concerns she is having are addressed. Ask her if it is because she just wants to play, or is she worried about not doing a good job, etc. Then try to help her with those concerns. She will know that you care and are on her "team", that is important around that age. Give her praise and any time she accomplishes anything, help her to see the value of the work she puts into it. That is the baby step part of the process.

I send you much strength... Mom's need it!!! :)

When I taught we had several students who the teachers had to sign off on their homework list that all the assignments were written down correctly. The parents then signed that they had seen all the completed homework. It really helped some of the kids learn personal responsibility. They found it kind of embarrassing that the teacher had to do that. I hope you can get to the bottom of this with your daughter. I'm sorry it's so frustrating.

Hi L.,

My teens both have tried this on me. I resolved this issue by taking away the things they enjoy until AFTER they sit and do 1 hour of homework in front of me DAILY. It is not too soon to start looking for a church home. There are many moms on mamasource who do not like the idea of inviting God into their homes. Several who have confronted me about my faith. I will not lie to anyone. God is alive and well and has answered many prayers and has straightened out many situations in my family.
I could not get by one week,without feeding my spirit and the spirit of my family.

Blessings,
C.

Hi L.,

I taught 5th grade for six years in a public school setting and am currently teaching 4th grade in a private school setting. Your frustration is something that I have heard about from at least one parent every single year! At this point in their lives, some students adjust well to the increased need for organization and time management, while others do not. In those who do not, there's usually a reason (feeling overwhelmed, wanting to do other things that are more fun, etc.) why they end up feeling the need to lie and keep things from their parents.

That said, team up with your daughter's teacher. Make the teacher aware that this has happened, if you haven't already, so that your daughter knows, without a doubt, that you and her teacher are on the same page and DO talk to each other! It is always amazing to me how students change when they realize that!

In addition, if your daughter doesn't already have one, get her a homework agenda of some kind. Let her know that you expect her to write down EVERY homework assignment, whether she's done with it or not. For some students, I check the agenda and initial it at the end of the day so parents know that it's filled out correctly (you can work with your daughter's teacher if you'd like him/her to do that). Then you can go through your daughter's agenda with her. If she says something's done, make her show it to you! This way, you will know what to look for and what to work on. If your daughter asks how long you'll be doing the agenda procedure, let her know that you'll do it until she regains your trust (but keeping track of when things are due is a really good life skill anyway!).

I hope your frustrations go away, and to prevent further agitations, I encourage you to be in touch with your daughter's teacher. Any good teacher welcomes the opportunity to work with you toward the success of your child. Please know that you are not the only parent to whom this has happened, and your daughter is not doomed to this type of behavior for the rest of her life! If you ever need more advice, please feel free to get in touch. Good luck!

Hi L.,

Work with her teacher to send home a daily report. Make it your daughter's responsibility to write down her assignments for the day, get the teacher to sign it, and bring it home daily.

You may also try taking TV/video away indefinitely and let her know she will only be allowed to watch TV on the days she brings home her calendar and completes her homework.

Good luck! :)

I'm a member of www.FLYlady.com, which really helps me keep my house clean and keep routines and have a healthy attitude towards it all. It's geared towards adults getting their homes and lives in order, but she provides a "control journal" for children to keep track of their homework, chores, etc, on their own without their parents nagging, which might really help. Kids (and husbands!) automatically resist us when we're telling them what to do, even if it's for their own good. The student control journal helps them stay organized and establish routines. Here's the link to the control journal: http://www.flylady.net/images/student_CJ.pdf#search=%22st...

Also check out her homepage flylady.net Her systems might really help you find peace in your own life like it did for me.

Flylady is an advocate of her colleague's website, www.housefairy.org, which is a website to help motivate and encourage children to clean their rooms. On the website there's a video of The Housefairy where she talks to your kids and tells them she's going to stop by unexpectedly every once in awhile and check on their rooms and see if they've been cleaning it like their parents have asked and leave little notes and rewards if they have. It also helps give you ideas on how to make a game out of cleaning, and turn it into a positive experience so they can develop good habits for life. I've looked over this website and read parents' experiences with it, and I definitely plan on using it when my son is old enough to understand. Praise and rewards are usually bigger incentives than punishment, and much more positive and help their self-esteem. In fact, while studying for his Master's in Business, my husband learned that people performed better with the incentive of receiving recognition and praise than they did with the motivation of monetary rewards in the workplace. You can plan family activities as rewards, doing what she wants, which she most likely prefers over material things, plus it sends a better message. The housefairy.org website (or maybe it was flylady.net) has a LONG list of incentive ideas, posted by other parents.

Good luck! Be firm and make sure there are consequences, both positive and negative, for their behavior. Consistency pays off. I am a BIG advocate of the Love and Logic parenting style of letting your children suffer the natural consequences of their choices.

homework is such an individual thing!
Maybe school is handing her more responsibility than she is comfortable with and needs help with the transition.
My 10 year old son is intelligent, but hates the physical act of writing, which he is asked to do in two languages. It takes him three hours to settle down and stop huffing about it some days.
last year he whizzed through a week's worth of homework in less than 1/2 an hour. This year is different.
This year his teacher is placing more responsibility on her students to remember and complete the homework themselves, as am I as a parent. I know that changes take my son a while to accept and after 4 months, he is finally more resigned to this new expectation.
We have had to come up with new methods to get work done daily. I will often write out his first draft, while he dictates. His brain is so far ahead of his reluctant fingers! Then he only has one version to physically write out and it takes a fraction of the time.
Using the computer to type out the first draft also give him help with grammar. (turn off the autocorrect)
Just saying his ideas helps him to know he can answer the questions an do the book reports.
helping him Break up the task and then leaving him to do a section also helps.
We have a local library that has a homework center. Many of his schoolmates use this resource and the parent/student conflict over homework is reduced!
i know this doesn't directly address the lying, but there must be a way to get to the reason your daughter is procrasinating and break the esteem- degrading cycle of this conflict.
Good luck!!!
-A.

I would start making her accountable, first give her the choice that if you find she is lying you will get a email from her teacher each day telling what homework is suppose to be done! Then you will check and make sure it gets done!
If she cannot act like a 10 year old and do her own homework, on time and accurately then I would tell her then each day it happens she is losing a priveledge too. I mean you can communicate via email with her teacher and I would suggest talking to her teacher so the two of you can sort of tag team her. She isn't going to continue lying if you and her teacher catch her and you are aware of what is going on. I would think you and her teacher talking would be enough for her to just realize she needs to take some responsibility and do the work!

Hi L. -

I wish I had better news for you, but I think all moms go through this at one time or another in their kids academic years. For my daughter, it was 4th grade. For my youngest son, it is 8th grade. Sometimes he even does the work and then doesn't turn it go - go figure that one. Getting stressed and frustrated about it won't help either of you. To be honest, teachers have to spend so much time keeping the classes in order that they don't have time to teach and so they send the work that should have been done in the classroom home. Talk to the teacher and find out specifics about what homework is missing. Look for common factors - is it just one subject and all homework. It is possible that your daughter is not learning the same way the teacher is teaching. There are 8 very distinct learning styles and each person has a primary and often a secondary style that they learn through. That includes the teacher. Lets do the Math, if a class has 32 students and say it is evenly divided into the 8 learning styles, that means that 4 students are learning the same way the teacher teaches or possibly 8 students if the teacher is strong in 2 styles. How many kids in class are not "getting it." It is not their fault, nor is it the teacher's fault. Instead of placing blame, find out how you learn, how your child learns and even ask the teacher if she knows what her learning style is. Google "learning styles" - I think there are some on-line quizes you can take to find out or you can read my book "Recognizing The Greatness in Each Child" available at www.lulu.com. There are also flower essence and aromatherapy formulas that aid with focus and concentration.

I hope this helps.

M. M. Ernsberger
Mind-Body Therapist
Children & Family Life Coach
www.hypno4kids.com

L.,

I understand your frustration and I want to say "Thank You" for your post because we are in the same boat. And "Thank You" to everyone who replied. You have given me some great resources and also made me feel bette about my parenting. If this site does nothing else, it lets me know that I am not alone in my difficulties and frustrations.
Again, I thank you all!!!!

L., I know it may be hard but I suggest letting the girls get the grades they deserve then giving them a necessary consequence. For instance, our 12 yr. just brought home her progress report and every class had gone down. Okay we said. No soccer until you pull those grades up. Well, practice starts today. So, yesterday she resubmitted a math worksheet and brought up her grade there. She then asked her science teacher for extra credit & wrote a report on meningitis. Today she set her alarm for 4 o'clock and got up to read her book so she could finish it and be able to test on it today. All so she could go to practice. Use what works for you. Tell your kids....if you're grades are bad then no sports. No sleepovers. No allowance. We have also asked the teachers for weekly progress reports so then we know what is missing. Education is the most important thing and it's very difficult so see those grades drop but if your daughter "chooses" those grades (especially ignoring all the help you are willing to give) then let her live with the consequences. Best of luck!

You might want to look into the "Love and Logic" parenting techniques ( www.loveandlogic.com ). The basic premise is that you should allow children to make mistakes now, with consequences, while the consequences are small as opposed to when they get older and the stakes are higher. This gives them the tools and experience they need to make good decisions in the future when you may not be there to make the decision for them. There should be logical consequences for her lying to you (she now loses privileges, and must now earn back your trust), and consequences for not doing her homework (not being able to watch television or play with friends); however it is her choice and responsibility to do the homework. It is not your job to do the homework for her, or even to make sure it gets done ... but you will ensure that the consequences that arise from making a poor choice are enforced. One thing they do point out, is you have to be willing to live with the consequences yourself. For example, if it is totally unacceptable to you to have her get a bad grade in a subject (or a better example, to play in the street) then that is not a decision she is allowed to make. Anyway, you might want to check out the website or Google "Love and Logic parenting" for more information and ideas. There are even free seminars in the local area that are given on a regular basis.

Best of luck,

A.

L., If I didn't know any better I would say that I wrote this letter myself. My daughter is 12 and I have been going through this exact thing for what seems like an eternity. She lies about every aspect of her homework. I have had meetings with principals, counclers and teachers. It gets to the point were no one knows what to do any more and you almost just have to give up. I am noticing that her grades have improved going from F's to C's and they still flucuate. You are not doing anything wrong as parents we can only do our best. I have told my daughter that I will start going to all of her classes with her which would be totally embarassing for her. What I have done is taken away her favorite things including weekend time with friends, and phone privliges. It does seem to work at times. With a lot of ups and downs and conversation with her it will get better, this is what I keep telling myself. I have learned to that a lot of it is age. I hope you know that you are not a lone and would love to talk more if you need advice or want to talk.