Help! *I* Am My Son's Lovey...

I totally relate! Not saying you have to follow my path but I am also my son's "lovey" and so far I haven't been replaced :)
I tried to bring this stuffed monkey with us everywhere we went. He does enjoy the monkey and will kiss it, but at night he still needs/searches for my skin to rub. I read somewhere that some children don't ever become attached to a stuffed toy or blankie, so I decided to let it go. But I did decide to stop the hand shoving into my bra. So I guess I compromised, and now he is content with mommy's skin, but won't melt down when I remove his hand from inside my shirt. Although he still reaches in there in times of stress or fatigue. But while I am still the lovey, we (my husband and I ) see so much progress in terms of modifying his behavior. He is pretty accepting if one of us says, "How about mommy's neck?"
I hope some of the ideas below work, or maybe someone else will write in with some great advice. But if they don't work, maybe you can work on getting him to accept whatever part of mommy is available, and then work on weaning him off of that? Good luck!

I know this may not be the answer you are looking for, but can you ride it out until he's a little older. At this age, you are the center of his world. Trying to gently transition him to an object is fine, but don't be suprised if he still needs you for awhile. Humans are very social animals and need the contact of their kind, especially the young. That is how they learn to form bonds. It is actually very healthy for them in the long run. Stuff animals or blankets just don't quite cut it.

What ever you choose to do, best of luck to you.

I am not trying to bash any of the moms here but in my opinion they are being way to soft and letting their emotions get in the way. Letting your child sleep with your worsens the separation anxiety. Is at an age he needs to learn 'you can't sleep with mommy and daddy anymore' he needs to get used to his own room, so start out slowly by letting him sleep with guard rails in his room for naps. I know people are going to think I am mean but its the way I was raised and I see its a good idea now seeing that one of my friends daughter is so attached she literally cries if she goes to the bathroom by herself. I am not going to have my son do that. As for the lovie thing I liked the idea of letting him pick out something special. But you need to tell him no when he tires to be forceful with playing with your ears. He is going to cry and that's just how you break kids. I did it my sister did it. My mom went as far as to put a little outside latch lock on the door of our room when we went and took naps and went to bed so we wouldn't come out. Soon we just automatically thought it was still there even though my mom took off about a week later. But it taught my sister and I to stay in our room so mom and dad could have alone time or have adult time. My friend had me do that to her daughter the night we had a party, we made sure she would be ok in my husband and I's room, took out anything she could eat or hurt herself with and reversed our locks. She cried for a few hours but went to sleep. She is so attached to her mom it annoys her because she can't go anywhere or do anything with out crying. Some mom's may think it's mean and not right but trust me tough love sometimes is the only way.
At first my husband and I let our son sleep with us but soon stopped it because we didn't want him attached, when we started putting in his crib he'd cry but as soon as he was in the bed he'd stop. Now we only let him sleep in his crib or bassinet. Sorry this is soo long. I tend to ramble. lol.

But anyway let him get his own toy he likes then just work with him on the ear thing. Hope everything goes well.

I don't have much advice for the sleep transition, but as for the lovey: I would take him to the store and let him pick out something he finds special. Talk to him about why he is picking something out. With my daughter, constant dialog is a must. We talk about everything. When big transitions are coming up, I spend a week or so "prepping" her by talking it out. This may really help your son. IMO, toddlers understand much more than we give them credit for. Let him play an active role in the transition and I would bet it goes much smoother. Good luck :)

I'm with Amanda on this one (for the most part). This is more about you than it is your child. It's mommy-guilt. What was working for so long to comfort your child has backfired, and now you are not wanting to deal with the crying and tantrums in order to undo the damage. It sucks, it's hard, but moms are tough and I know you can handle it. After all, you've already started to take some steps.

I agree that you are doing the right thing by transitioning him, but don't be afraid to switch a little faster. The sooner you have an established routine, the sooner things will stop changing and confusing him.

I truly think that, with his age and mindset (stubborn refusal to sleep alone or be comforted by anything but you), he probably ought to sleep in a sturdy crib (mattress all the way down, rails all the way up so he can't climb out) until he's used to sleeping alone. Putting him in the twin sized bed is a novel idea, but is likely to result in you giving in due to his repeated attempts to join you in the big bed. It's easy to give in at 2am after you've gotten up to put him back in bed 30 times. A crib would circumvent that issue altogether.

Stand your ground, give hugs and love, and make him stay in his bed. Sleep in your own bed, not his (another reason a crib might be a good idea, since you can use the excuse that you can't fit in it with him). Offer him a stuffed toy or favorite blanket and put him in.

You might want to start this on a Friday night so as not to inhibit sleep prior to a regular workday. You might even have to put the crib into his room and close the door, since you being visible from the crib might be more of a distraction from learning to self soothe than not. He's going to be ticked. He'll holler and tantrum and make you feel like you are the worst mom in the world...just know that you aren't. If the fits get out of control, go in and pat his back or tell him he's okay, but don't pick him up. He has to learn to self soothe. This is what he needs in order for everyone to be happier in the future, so don't let your guilty conscience get the better of you.

Be consistent and NEVER give in during this transition time. He stays in his bed, and you in yours. You'll find that that consistency will bring change quickly and with less discomfort...but every time you give in, it's two steps backward in your progress. It won't be easy, but remember, this is something you created by allowing it in the first place. It's a hard truth, which means that you have to be the one to take the hard road and straighten things out.

To assist in thinking through some of the guilt which will come of this, a little consideration of future effects: Do you seriously want to deal with an older child of 9 or 10 (or older?!) who refuses to sleep alone, won't go on camping trips with other kids, and is generally a momma's boy because you are too soft-hearted to nip this in the bud now? You are an excellent and loving mom, and taking care of this now will help your child adjust to new situations and being tired far easier than before.

To those moms who are cosleepers and give in to your child using you for comfort instead of teaching them to self-soothe, that's great for you. As a single, working mother, I didn't have time for it, nor did I want the nasty side effects. In my opinion, as the mother of 3 boys, you are creating little self-absorbed tyrants who will be teased and called wussies when they grow older.

Children shouldn't be forced to grow up too fast, no, but keeping them babies only hinders them (and it's selfish, in my opinion). Of course there are exceptions (illness, true fears, owies, praise)...children should be cuddled, loved, snuggled, comforted and so forth, but they should also be taught independence and autonomy, so that when the need arises, they can stand on their own two feet.

We are not raising children to stay children, Mommas, we are raising children to be successful adults. Everything we do as parents should be geared toward that end.

All the best,

C.

Have you tried putting your scent on the lovey? Maybe you could wear a small stuffed animal in your shirt for a day (if you're at home lol) or at night so that it smells like you and see if that helps the transfer.

I personally don't think it's fair to change the game on him. I slept with my last 2 children for many years and still sleep with my 10 year old. She likes to sleep by herself more often now, but when she's tired she still reaches for my hair.

This is one of the hardest ages for separation anxiety in all contexts. You want to change the game now?

If we had been able to provide my daughter her own room a couple years ago, she would have been ready for it. We still don't have her own room due to the size of our family and due to the fact that I have to legally sleep on the same floor as my daycare children are on.

It's not the end of the world. You should try and enjoy this time because it goes by all too fast. I'll miss my last baby when my 3rd daughter moves out with her son in 2-3 years. Then my daughter will have her own room and I'll be one step closer to the empty nest.

My son was/is attached to my hair. He'll still grab it when he's really tired.

We found that he was taking advantage of me. So, my husband took over the bedtime routine. We transitioned him slowly, by putting a twin mattress on the floor in his room. My husband would take him to bed and lay with him until he fell asleep, then he'd lay with him and tell him he was going to lay on the floor. Now he lays with him and tells him that he's going to the living room. It took a while but he's a good sleeper now!

The reason we chose not to let him cry it out was that he would cry and make himself vomit. And to us it was not worth the mess.

I so know how you feel! My son burrows under me with his sharp finger and toe nails. It is constant, painful and SO annoying.

I don't think you can make a child bond with a lovey. I wanted to with my dd, and she wanted me. There was no way I was going to convince her that an inanimate obect was as comforting as her mother.

Well, the good nws is he won't be doing this when he's 18. Hang in there and enjoy the snuggles while they last. My youngest recently told me I'm not longer allowed to hug him and kiss him as much as I want.

Maybe its just me , but I find it odd you let him rip on your ears. That would absolutely not be happening with me.

What I did to introduce my son's lovey was wrap his blanket around him because he would just play with it and eventually kick it off of him. Now a days he wont go to sleep with out it. It's also a very fuzzy one that is super soft. He LOVES it. I'll see him rub it all over his face at night when he stirs.

My daughter is 20 months with the same issue. A month ago we bought a sheep skin (aka softy) for the baby due any day now. My daughter decided that she loved softy! She now won't take naps or fall asleep at night with out it, she loves to run her fingers and toes through it. She now will sleep on it until 1am, then comes into bed with us. We move her back into her bed after she is asleep again. She also sleeps in our room.
Good skins run about $70 but I think that in just a month this softy has really been worth the$.

This made me lough out loud! I can just imagine you little cutie grabbing your soft ears or twisting your head to this direction!

There are so many stories about lovies and what they end up being. I remember reading about a lot of boys that slept with their mothers slips or nightgowns. I guess that falls into the scent and the texture.

Our daughter never had an "official lovie". At night as long as she was surrounded with the books that had been read to her, that seemed to comfort her.. She also developed a way to self sooth, which was twisting one of the curls on her hair. She (almost 20) still does it she says when she is tired or stressed. She says she does not even think about it.

Maybe you could attempt to put his hands on his own ears when he grabs on to you? Or one of your tshirts, a pillow case you have slept on?

My son co-slept with me too (still sleeps in a twin bed pushed right next to my bed), and used me as his lovey as well. He started putting his fingers in my mouth when nursing, and the finger-in-the-mouth thing lasted long after the nursing. He still (at age 4) wants to stick his fingers in my mouth when he needs comfort. (Of course, there are parameters now, must have clean hands, not in public, usually only at bedtime, etc. - disgusting, I know, but please don't judge!) But I can definitely relate! I, too, tried to transition him to a different lovey, something else he could rub with his fingers, but to no avail.

Personally, I think you have to do one of two things: go cold turkey and simply disallow him to do it anymore (which by the way you talk, I doubt you'll choose this - I didn't either), or let him do it until developmentally, he doesn't need to anymore, which could be a while, maybe years. My son's habit happens a lot less frequently now, and actually, he has resorted to kind of gently touching my face in place of actually putting his fingers in my mouth now. So they do wean themselves from it, it just may take some time.

***EDITED TO ADD***
I love to hear parents who haven't co-slept with their children talk about it, and talk about all the reasons to stop, and all the ways to transition a co-sleeping child to his own bed. Makes me laugh.

Lee P. - "***EDITED TO ADD***
I love to hear parents who haven't co-slept with their children talk about it, and talk about all the reasons to stop, and all the ways to transition a co-sleeping child to his own bed. Makes me laugh."

How is this snarky comment helpful? You ask us not to judge you but then you judge others?

I am all for co-sleeping and being the "thing" your child wants when he needs some support. First with the twin bed on the floor...I would put him in it not you. Keep him close but at arm's reach. If YOU are in he twin bed with him it's no different than being in your bed with him.
He is old enough to understand a sharp "NO" when he grabs your ears. You need to stop that immediately. Just like a biting breastfed baby...a sharp no and being put down solves it in short otder. He WILL cry and have his feelings hurt but you can't have your sleep disturbed and like you said physically accosted in the night! We had all three of our kids in bed with us for quite a long time. They eventually went to their own beds. I wouldn't trade that sweet time with them for anything. As for the "lovey"...I have no clue about that. When my kids were little, some kids had blankies and some didn't. No one really talked about it. Good luck!

I like the idea of redirecting him to his own ears. Or how about some kind of a lovey that has rubber ears or a rubber spot that might feel similar to your ears? I've seen the blankets with all of the tags on them - do they make one that has rubber on it (like for teething?)? You do need to tell him thought that he is hurting you and that has to stop right away. He needs to learn to be gentle.

I don't mean to sound me here, but who's in control? He obviously doesn't want anything but you, so either you deal with him crying and learning to sleep alone or you'll be in bed with him for a while (could be months or years - this was my nephew, it took until 5 years old before he was in his own room). He isn't going to like it, so you need to decide when he needs to be on his own and then just do it.

As far as getting them to like a stuffed animal, I got my oldest a soft doggie when she was about 10/11 months old, she ignored it for many months even though it was in the crib with her, but suddenly she started sleeping on him and now she really likes him. However she can sleep without him if we forget to put him in the bed with her or leave him behind for a trip. So I'd get something and just put it with him in the bed, have it be something that's always there weather he cuddles with it right away or not, and if he's going to do it he will when he's ready. He might not at all.