HELP!!! He Wont Let Go of His Mama!!!

Wow...you need to leave this guy.

He is totally dependent on his mother, and that creates a whole host of psychological issues. He has DEEP, serious problems that you can't solve.

And you are staying because????

They are emotional abusers. Get out now while you can.

This is very simple. You're not married. Tell him either you move out or mommy moves out, period. You're two grown adults and mommy needs her own place. Sounds like it's not worth a decent relationship at this point. If he can be easily turned by mommy he can be easily turned by anyone else. Is that the kind of relationship you want to contend with for years to come? Life is too short.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I'm really sorry for your situation, but I promise you it will only get worse. Obviously his mother has issues with you and wants to keep her son for herself. Seems it may be a choice of you or her. If he's an adult, I'm assuming you are both at least mid-20s, I'm really sorry but its almost impossible that he will choose you. Save your self. You deserve someone better than this. Good luck.

This is not a good situation no matter how you look at it or "who" is living in the apartment. If he is hacking your emails and tracing your calls, then he doesn't trust you. If he doesn't trust you, then you don't have a relationship to "fix". He will continue to demonstrate these behaviors regardless of his mother's presence. In all reality, you jumped in way too quickly and now you are seeing who he "really is".

Get yourself together so you can move out on your own. Get your finances together, get a new cell phone so that he can't "hack" your account and get a new email account. He's on a bad path and this will not end well.

I think that if you are going to try to make it work, then you and he need couples counseling - in part to communicate with each other and in part for him to learn appropriate boundaries with his mother. And, hate to say it, sometimes spying and accusations are because of what that person would or is doing and not about the accused at all. Is his mom one of those controlling people who hates the idea that she's losing control of her grown son, too?

Personally, I wouldn't have put up with it for 2 years but I understand how things snowball. I think your choices are to try to fix it or realize it's too broken and move out. She might say "told you so" but life is too short to spend all of it defending yourself like that. Maybe the move was so quick you didn't realize what you were getting into. You are not married. You can move out. I wouldn't worry about whether or not they felt you were going back to the ex or not at that point. If it's that broken, then what matters is how you live.

Now, presumably you have children, but I'm not clear if they are yours from your prior marriage or yours now with him. Either way, THEY do not need a toxic household, either. i

Someone who hacks email and puts spyware on phone has some serious trust issues.. has he been in a long term relationship before? If he was your friend he of many years is this what he was like in previous relationships? Have u talked to him about both issues? his mom beiing in ur business and his trust issues? b/c u need to..

Well, if it was me, (and it isn't....I'm sick today so I might sound a little terse), is there anyway you can get your own apartment or find someone who needs a roommate? You are already sharing the bills in a living arrangement.
I would let your boyfriend and his mother have their own little thing while you, on the other hand, carry on with having a LIFE.
That way, no need for doubts about your whereabouts. You'll have your own place, your own schedule, our own friends, your own life.
He will no longer have access to spyware on your phone or your e-mail accounts.
You're not even married to this person so, no offense, I don't know why you'd put up with any of this. He may be a great guy when his mother isn't around, but he has no intentions of her being gone long term. Which would signal to me that he doesn't have any intentions of YOU being around long term.
I would find somewhere else to go. Spread your wings and make yourself happy. If he misses you terribly, then HE needs to make some changes in order for you to be together. But, don't hold your breath.
Take care of you first. It's in no way being selfish. This is your life, honey, and how you ultimately spend it is up to you.

You deserve better, in my opinion.
I wish you the best.

if his mother is lying to him about where you go and who you talk to when he is not right watching you, they both have problems. i am willing to bet that the spy ware on the phone and email was actually his mothers ideal. do yourself a big favor and leave this mommas boy behind, my first husband and his mother were exactly like this, dont be sucked into it, i wasted alot of years never knowing what my mil was going to accuse me of next.
K. h.
your mil has control and boundary issues ( and not just your mil, your husband almost certainly has alot of the same problems), bottom line, your mother law is encouraging your husband to spy on you, and making up gossip about you the moment you not there to defend yourself, get your own phone, under your name, get your own computer that he cant hack into, in the meantime, tell the mommas boy, that he will be sleeping by himself until such time as he can let go of his mommas apron strings, a cold bed is a not so subtle way to get a guy to grow up a little, and see his mother for what she is, a control freak.

I guess what sticks out to me in this question is that you say "Now she is putting doubts in my boyfriends mind aobut my whereabouts and that I'M STILL PLANNING ON LEAVING HIM HIGH AND DRY TO GO BACK TO MY EX" ummmm......were you ever planning on doing that??? Does he have reason to be insecure or is he just being controlling? I guess that I need to have that question answered before I can give my opinion, because that information could change what I think.

Personally, my husband can check my e-mail, facebook, phone, whatever, any time he wants, I have nothing to hide......I am not sure if he does or not, and I really don't care, he is not going to find anything wrong, but if I had to guess if he checks it, I would say he probably doesn't.....LOL

Hi R.,

Red flags jumping up everywhere here. No one should be be putting spy-ware on your phone or hacking emails. It is an invasion of privacy. If someone loves you then they trust you, unless you have given them reason not to, in which case, you would need to change, but it sounds like you have not done that here. So he is going out of his way to control you with no reason. This will only get worse. It may be instigated by his Mom, but he will likely progress on his own even if she is not around so I would have to recommend getting out. Be up front and honest with him. Tell you are leaving him because of the harassment and invasion of privacy. Basically he is pushing you into exactly what he doesn't want. He doesn't want to lose you so he exerts this control over you, to make sure you are not doing anything, but in the end, he will either do more and it will get more abusive and controlling or you will leave before that happens. If you stay, your life will become more and more miserable and you will have a harder time getting out. IT may not seem like that now, but that is how abusive relationships begin. Anyway, I would say get out now, if he really loves you, he will need to change a lot to get you back. And if he really wants you, he will do it. He will get his own place and start to prove to you that you can trust him again. Because right now you can't trust him. If he does that, then I would say start dating him again and take it slower this time. If not and he does not change, then be glad you got sooner than later and can move on with your life.

The trust is gone on both sides. Once that is gone, it's hard to get back. If your even able to. I would kindly say that it's over, get a new phone with a different number and go.
Or if you are wanting to save this "relationship" then still get a new number and phone. Don't let him touch it. You need your safe place and a phone should be a safe tool to get to safety if needs be.

Hi, R.:
I would suggest getting a mediator to help sort out
the boundaries.

Call the Good Sheperd's Mediation Center in Philly to
find a mediator close to you.

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Good luck
D.
www.iirp.org