"Help for 8 Month Old with Separation Anxiety"

Updated on April 01, 2009
D.J. asks from San Jose, CA
5 answers

I am and have been trying EVERYTHING, for over a month and a half to get my son into daycare at the gym where I am a member. At the gym you can use daycare for 90 mins while you workout. I NEED THIS SO MUCH. In addition to wanting to loose my baby weight I need "Me time". My husband is currently serving in Iraq and I am alone to care for our son. I love my son with all my heart but his anxiety over being left with daycare is getting worse, not better. Unfortunately, they do not have the ability to deal with a baby who will not stop screaming. I can't afford to bring him to an outside sitter every time I need to go to the gym. It's not like he's any better for a sitter. The only advantage is they will let him cry and try to comfort him during the process. At the gym they have to come and get the parent if the baby cries longer than 5 minutes. The girls are so sweet and doing the very best they can but, I have not been able to leave for more than 15 minutes. And to make matters worse he's even started to scream and cry at home when I leave the room. I’m tired, depressed and trying so hard to help him through this. I know in time it will pass but, that time looks very far off. Does anybody have any ideas?
Thanks,
D.

PS - I forgot to include, we have no family here and I have no friends locally. We're only here while my husband is in Iraq.

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So What Happened?

With love and patience I learned the following:
If your child feels safe he will move away from you with confidence and be unafraid. If your child is forced to move away from you when he is not ready and his cries go unheard he will become more clingy and insecure. Give him big hugs and kisses, tell him he's O.K. and take him with you if need be. This will reinforce to him that he is safe. Secondly, if possible, allow him to crawl after you around the house. Let me tell you, this was a life saver. At first he would cry a little when I walked away, never too far mind you. Then as the days moved on, so did he and now he has started to crawl into the other room without looking back. No, I don't let him get too far out of sight but, WOW what an improvement. Peek-a-Boo helps too, reinforces that when you are “gone” you will return. I like this much better than leavening him to cry in another room until I return. My baby is growing more and more independent every day. He’s even able to stay in daycare for 30 minutes, in time I am sure this too will improve.
Thanks,
D.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

All I can do is reiterate that in time it will pass. I remember feeling EXACTLY the same way that you are -- and my youngest wouldn't let me go to the gym for the exact same reason. I thought I would go insane, and I remember crying one day I was so frustrated.

However, time does pass, and you get through it. I suggest you find something you can do at home. I stopped going to the gym for years for other reasons -- no gym nearby and no money for it anyway -- and learned to work out at home. A jumprope is great exercise, and you can do it with your kid right there. 3,000 skips takes about 1/2 hour, and is great for arms, legs and abs, and will leave you red and sweaty. Maybe not as fun as the community of the gym, but it's a workout.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

D.,

First of all, a big thank you to your husband for his service to our country...may God whatch over him and keep him safe while he is away.

Second, you have NO friends, NO family in the area? You son sees and depends only on you and that's why he's having a fit if you get away from him.

Try to find a play group and meet some Mama's that might be in a similar position. Perhaps you will be able to do some trade offs whatching each others children so everyone can get a little me time!

Blessings.....

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.A.

answers from San Francisco on

My daughter was the same way until she was almost 18 months old. She wouldn't let anyone else hold her or talk to her at her first bday party. It is so hard on a mom when they go through this.
What you can try is to sit in daycare with him. Go a few times and sit and then go home. Then leave for 5 mintues and come back, then 10, etc. It will take a lot of work, but it will happen. I remember reading to not have the caregiver talk to him until you've spoke and he can watch and see that you are happy with this person and feel safe. Let him ease into it.
best of luck and extreme gratitude to you and your family for protecting our country!!! Thank your husband for me :O)

A.H.

answers from San Francisco on

Wow! That's tough! Do you have a friend that you could trade babysitting with? Maybe somebody in the same boat? My son was like this too. I found what was key to getting him to get over it was staying with the same caregiver and kids in the same environment each time. It took 6 weeks of screaming but he finally learned that I am not gone forever when I leave a room and that he can trust other adults. Hugs!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.S.

answers from San Francisco on

D.,

I understand. Do you know any other military moms? Or is there a way you could meet some? Even having a few moms to get together with and exchange childcare with would help you--or join a mother's group in your area. Also as far as transitioning your baby to the gym daycare- go there with your baby and stay. Show your baby how you play with the toys, be very close to him and when you can, hand him to one of the girls watching the kids and continue to stay close. See if he can be held in your presence without crying and make it a game for him- try not to show any anxiety on your part because he will pick up on that. Instead, show him what a fun time you have and practice in small increments. Have them hold him for 5 min, leave and come back then increase it to 10 etc. Do this regularly for a week and it should really help with him being comfortable with you leaving. Good luck!

Molly

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