Help!!! Exhausted Mom Seeking Advice or Recommendations.

Hi M.,
I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Some children don't play by themselves all that much. But you can involve him in the things you do or give him a special toy when you are on the phone. I did this with my granddaughter when I would watch her for a day and still needed to make business calls. I had a container with paperclips, rubber bands and other office type things in it on my desk and she would play with it. Also when you make breakfast, he can help. If you involve him with what you are doing he wouldn't feel the need to whine or pull on you. I know it can be a challenge, but you have to get creative all the time.
G.

I haven't read the other responses, so maybe this is redundant. Don't give him timeouts. He's so young and not doing anything wrong. He's just wanting his mom. When my toddlers get this way, I wear them in a sling, especially on my back. Then I can often get things done and they are happy being carried around.

this happened with my little one around the same time. It got really worse so I took him into the doctor and I guess he was getting his "I" teeth. After they cut through he was back to normal. Apparently these are one of the worse to get!

Why not incorporate him into what you're doing? For instance, while you're making toast, he can use a plastic knife to "butter" bread. When you need to make a phone call, give him a phone to "call" with. When you need to work on the computer, find him a toy computer to play with, or place your computer so he can sit with you and watch tv or something. When you need to do housework, he can use a feather duster to help. When I need to get in the shower, I usually let my little guy get in with me if he isn't happy playin peekaboo with the shower curtain, then while I'm getting dressed, he's allowed to jump on my bed :) I also suggest you get the book entitled The Toddlers Busy Book or something like that; it has tons of cheap ideas to keep kids occupied. Good luck!

My son whined for the first 18 months of his life. It was incredibly taxing. Around 18 months I started whining back to him and then saying "no whining!" As it progressed, I would put him in his crib and say "no whining" again and leave him for about 1 minute. Then I would come in and say "no whining" and get him out. He TOTALLY understood what I was saying. If he whined again I would say, "do you want to go in your crib?" He would shake his head no and I would say, "then no whining". It took maybe 2 weeks to stop it altogether. Your son really does understand what you say even though he can't talk.
On the contrary, my Mom has answered his every whine by picking him up and he whines non-stop with her even today.

Best Wishes!

When my son is being clingy, I find it helps to give him something he can do close to me. If I'm on the computer, I give him some crayons and paper and let him color at my feet while I type. If I'm making breakfast, I let him watch on a stool close by (reciting what I'm doing all along). If I'm on the phone, I get his toy phone so he can talk too. Sometimes he likes to listen to Grandma and Grandpa (although he is too shy on the phone to say anything). Sometimes if I let him listen first, he loses interest and then he will play at my feet. He loves to do laundry, or wipe mirrors, etc. At this age, they want to be close to you so they can be like you. They also want to be included in "big people" activities, so let him!

Also, now is a good time to introduce a routine. Ours usually includes breakfast, then some housecleaning, a walk and some play time, lunch and then nap time. That is my best work time, and we must realize that expecting to get much accomplished when they are awake is not very realistic. At this age they are very demanding of our time and energy. As an at-home mom, your child IS a full time job. I know this can be frustrating for both of you as you adjust to this new stage. Good luck!

I agree to not let him dictate your day and take your energy. While I don't agree time outs are appropriate for this situation, I would make sure I set some time out each day for one on one (1/2 hour at the least) giving him your fullest attention. Obviously he's trying to figure out ways to get your attention and you'll have to figure out how to ignore him when he's not asking/showing you appropriately.
You could get very specific by setting a kitchen timer telling him that you can play until the bell rings, when the bell rings, you're going to eat breakfast. When I eat breakfast you have a choice of playing quietly in this room or that room. When he cries and whines and doesn't make either choice, I would try to completely ignore him, maybe one time (and only once) say I'll listen to you when you're quiet (or not whining, etc.) When he grabs your leg you could give him a choice of letting go on his own or having mom do it. When he keeps holding your leg you could take him off your leg, and then put him in his room, letting him know that it's not okay to grab mom's leg and he cannot come to you until he is quiet. You'll have to go through this process about 10 times a day for several weeks, yet he's smart and will see that when he's quiet you'll listen and when you'd like to eat your breakfast he can have a choice to bring some toys and quietly play near where you're eating. The more choices (both choices you can deal with) the better.
Good luck, (to help your patience, you could compare this to training a dog which does take time and patience)

Where are you? I am 42 and have an 11 month old. Exactly the same issue. I've been sitting him down in a room on the floor with toys or in his nursery, or in the playpen, for about two months now...and leaving him for just a minute or two, until he starts to cry...then I go to him. It seems like it's getting easier to leave him for 5 to 10 minutes every now and then. I'll also put him in the high chair and feed him...then leave him for about 10 minutes with some toys while I eat breakfast or work on the computer. Anyway....if you are in Albuquerque...we could get together and vent about this to each other and figure it out together. You are probably not in NM though....also, my Husband leaves him in a room or playpen every once in a while and while I hated this at first...I think it helps when he's with me which is most of the time. K. ###-###-#### cell

Ah! I remember that stage with my four children as well. I kept thinking, "Geez, I thought we CUT the cord!" LOL Here's what helped me:

1. Introduce a "lovey" like a small blanket or stuffed animal that he can feel provides him comfort. Make a big deal of how special it is - kiss it and hug it with him.

2. Take about 1/3 of his toys, and set them aside. Then, re-introduce them as "new" toys for special times that you need a few moments to do things. That way, there's always a sense of novelty. You can also borrow toys from friends, so both sets of kids feel like they are getting "new" toys.

3. Put in a DVD from the library that is engaging for his age. Ones with music are always a hit with kids.

4. Get a sling so you can wear him - as you do things around the house, or are on the computer. Sometimes, it just takes feeling that closeness for awhile - and then he may actually initiate getting down/out of the sling on his own.

I hope these ideas work. Hang in there, it really is just a developmental phase as he learns to self-soothe and gain independence and confidence.

Best,
C.

First of all, hang in there! You are certainly not alone in your feelings.

My only advice is to consider a "no-fit corner". People have told you to put him in time-out for whining but that won't work because a child so young simply does not know how to turn off the water-works quickly. A no-fit corner is completely different, though. It should be someplace different than the time-out corner and it doesn't have to be a corner at all, just someplace quiet and out of your line of sight.

When he starts throwing tantrums, explain to him that he's going to the no-fit corner to cry and he can come out when he's done. This will allow him to express his emotions (which is natural for a child his age) without getting any attention from you.

When he comes out, ask him if he's done and give him loves. DO NOT, of course, give in to what he was originally throwing a fit over.

If he comes out still crying a little, that's to be expected. Like I said, it takes kids a LONG time to turn that off. But if he's still throwing a fit (shrieking, etc.) tell him he needs to go back until he's finished.

This is a fantastic way to work through the "fit" stage.

One thing, though...every child develops differently and your son might or might not be able to grasp the concept of a no-fit corner. Since you said he responds well to short time-outs, I feel like he will do fine with this "new" corner, but ultimately it's up to you to determine if he's ready for it.

Best of luck to you, Sweetie.

It is just a phase, and it sounds like you are doing everything right. Good luck and it WILL get better.

I haven't read many of the other comments, but I always try to keep in mind that what they learn when they are young is what they will know when they are old. If you keep him occupied everytime he is bored, he will learn to depend on other people for entertainment. I disagree with people that say to get him involved in what you are doing. Yes, sometimes it's OK, but we as mom do need time to ourselves and we should not feel guilty. When you do need time, plan it out. Find something for him to do, like a special toy or whatever and then do your thing. If he cries, just tell him "mommy has to put her make-up on and I will play with you when I am done." I understand what you are going through, my almost 3 year old still wants my attention constantly, I just have to remind her and myself that my job is not to entertain her every whim.

Hi M.,

I wish that I could give you a solution that would be like a magic bullet but there isn't one. My first daughter was and is totally independent and would play on her own or watch a dvd so I assumed that my second child would be like that to. When I had my second daughter she cried every 15 minutes the first night and nothing much has changed. It has been my experience that children don't change either they are independent or a little more clingy. You can let him cry for a few minutes and see if you can stretch out the time that you have alone. I would try to give him something that he can do right next to you while you are on the computer or let him help you with the breakfast so that he is occupied and you can have a minute to do something. Don't expect that you will be able to spend an hour on the computer or more than a few minutes for your breakfast. Your sweet baby has become a toddler and now the new stage of your life will be much more active with your son - good luck

He won't be little for long. Enjoy the time with him. I had a boy who always needed me too. So I even showered with him and held him as I cooked (and let him help) Now, he's growing up, a 12 year old and I only wished he still wanted mom once in a while. So, don't let it frustrate you, instead cherish these times, as they will be gone before you know it.

I think you are doing an amazing job. It sounds like you really just love him and want the best for. I am the same way and don't want my son to cry so I give in more with hugs when he needs them.I dont think there is any harm in it. Honestly it sounds like his teeth are hurting more than anything. My son went through it too, their molars are coming in at this time so it hurts bad. My son is 19 months and whines tons at night when his hurt. If we give him Motrin once a night it is OK. I asked the Pediatrician. Cause my husband kept giving it to him every night for 2 months and I was worried. She said once a day for a few months wont hurt. I dont like giving any medicine. Also I think getting my son involved with things like laundry, dishes (I let him him do the spoons from the dishwasher).
Coloring on his own. He loves people like his Mom he is a social person. Maybe getting involved in a mothers group is good. If you live in the east valley we are always up for a play date if you need a friend for your son.
oh and my girlfriend's son is 17 months too and is going through a similar thing. She said he keeps needing to be disciplined. My son was like that tons until he got more attention and that helped and now he really listens good. But still tests us of course. Someone told me once to try and find out what your child likes best, to follow their lead and give them things they like to do. My son likes to put things together and draw so I am trying to find new things like this for him all the time.
Everything will work itself out soon. Maybe he is just going through a stage. I say love him as much as you feel best. Love cant hurt!!

My son was the same way at that age. I don't buy into the cry it out bit. There's a reason a child cries, and just because it doesn't make sense to you does not mean it's invalid. In my case what worked best was to try to let him be involved. I purchased a carabine high chair so he could be at the level where I was preparing my meals, and a sling, so he could ride around with me when I was engaging in other activities. He was not allowed to participate in things that might hurt him, but what I found was that he just wanted to be involved in what I was doing, even if that meant he had to sit on my lap while on the computer. Alternatively, I scheduled my computer time when he was napping or asleep for the night.

I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I believe that you will find the dependency that hinders you so much right now will pass and leave you longing a bit for it. Your son is one of the things you have to do daily as well, and his needs might be easier to meet than you think.

I am sorry you are so tired. I understand completely what you are going through because my daughter just went through the same thing. At about 16-17 months old she was the same way and I felt like I could never get anything done. It was very frustrating and although I love my time with her (I had to work with my first, so I love seeing with her what I missed with him) I still enjoy a few minutes to check my email and clean up. I did try incorporating her in to what I was doing, and that does help a bit. (Also, TV does not hold her attention, but she will spend time dancing if I turn high energy music on) Mostly I just waited it out and she now will play by her self for at least a few mins at a time, so I can get a little more done now. I also explain to her when I can't pick her up or play with her why I can't and that I will when my task is completed. Don't forget that they understand us better than we think they can, so explainations of how and why are helpful. :) Sorry I don't have better advice, but know that it will get better.

I was a classroom teacher at a daycare in the 12-24 month old room. Additionally, I'm the mother of a whole lot of kids. I can tell you that is a normal stage of development. Around 16 to 18 months old, they suddenly grasp the largeness of the world around them and need to reassure themselves of their sense of security. Ride it out. He will become an independent little boy again. If you work and have to leave him in childcare, he's already getting practice at being separate from you. He may need to feel more connected when you are together.

My youngest just turned 2 and we have just come through this phase with him. I spent months showering with him sitting on the bathroom floor crying for me to pick him up. It's a really valuable skill to learn how to be present for the crying child, but not sink down with him. Let the crying become sort of a white noise. Respond, yes. Become distressed with him, no. If he wants/needs your presence to watching a video, it doesn't mean you have to focus attention on "Bob the Builder" or "Thomas." Bring a book or laptop in with you and do something enjoyable or productive while sitting with him. If he has to be near you while you do housework, try pulling the high chair up next to you and letting him watch you while he plays with playdoh or something. Or break out the old baby sling and learn to use the toddler hold with it. (they straddle the mother's hip on the side) It may be heavy, but at least you could get something done without the crying.

Just remember that someday you will have held him for the last time and he'll never ask to be held again. Twenty years from now, you'll miss sitting and holding him.

Hello. Congratulations on your little boy - 17 months is a great age for both of you! You are learning and so is he - make sure you are both learning the right roles. First - who's the mom? Is he making the rules or are you? At 17 months, he is totally egocentric. Of course he is going to want your total attention and he is going to wine to ensure he gets it. As the mom, it is your job to put limits in place. He cannot possibly be bored, rather he is conditioned to depend on you for his stimulation. He can learn to amuse himself with some guidance from you, but it must be consistent. You need to get past the idea that you are totally responsible for his happiness and allow him to learn to play and explore on his own. It will be a challenge for both of you, but don't let the temporary frustration stop you from taking this step. You will reap great rewards later down the road if you take the lead now.
Don't look at this as 'what am I doing wrong?' - there are no manuals with these little guys, and parenting is all one big hands-on learning experience. Every child has different ways of learning, different needs, and different capacities. You just do the best you can, love them and love yourself (most important!) and pray for the best.
Good luck!
dusty

Well M., your first instict is right...it's a phase. A LONGGGGG and awful phase. It lasted about 7 months with our daughter and our son has been doing it for about 4 months now.
Both our kids are advanced, so you may be right in that it is boredom. But they still need to learn to entertain themselves.
Keep up the consistency with timeouts. Tell him you need to get something done. Then, if he whines, give him a timeout. Do this every time you say you need to do something. Then he'll put "Mommy needs to..." with no whining together.
Or, if he gets real bad about it, while you cook only (because hanging on us moms while cooking is just too dangerous for the kids), put him in his room and tell him you need to cook dinner/breakfast/whatever and he need quiet time. He'll probably scream and throw a fit, but as long as you don't keep your knives in his room, he'll be fine and after a week, he should get used to the idea.
Good luck, we've been there twice and are looking forward to this lovely stage again! :)

Yeah...I feel you!!! I would NOT say you are doing anything "wrong"! Everything you are doing is in the best interest of your son and what is wrong with that????? On the other hand....your son is not a baby anymore, he is a full blown toddler learning just how how to get what he wants/needs. Mind you, this is NOT malicious intent...it is developmental, he is learning how things work. And he is learning well. My daughter was the same way...when I realized what was going on I made a plan with my pediatrician. I would play with her for 15mins or so every hour to two (now it is 15 mins per day for each kid)..directly play with her. The rest could be interaction while I was cooking or sitting on my lap while I am on the phone. When she demanded my attention I could ignore, distract, use time-out...and any time, any of these strategies worked. It was hard at first, she resisted...but she got it. Now, comes my son...almost 22 mos. and he became very demanding..so, when he starts demanding from me I mostly just ignore. I know my children are not starved for attention and developmental stimulation..but, they do need to learn to be on their own and exploring and interacting with eachother. They are SO VERY different when I am not there, I try to watch them when they think I am not watching to see what they are really like!!! It is fun!! When my kids are out in the yard I will wander in and out and make a comment about something they are doing that I like..etc. BUT, I ALWAYS make sure to give them each their own 15 minuets (more if I can swing it, but rarely less) a day of doing whatever it is they want to do!!

Good luck and don't sweat it. But, what you do know..plan on doing for the rest of his life. If you give in now, plan on giving in until he leaves. It is much easier to change this behavior..discipline has little to do with fixing negative behavior and more to do with instilling the positive behavior through modelling and positive interactions. Give him all the skills he needs for independence and find out what he likes. He needs a mommy! Show him you are confident and strong and show him that he is too!! You will have a much happier boy if he know you believe he is capable!!

PS- dish soap, empty bowls and kitchen sinks are the perfect distraction and well worth the clean-up later!!!!

Hi M.!
God Bless You!
I can tell you love and enjoy your boy!
You remind me of me with my first child also a boy. I was lonely and talked to him all the time, but then naturally I could barely turn my back on him without repercussions. THere is a tradeoff, and it may well be worth it. It is good to put the kebash on the whining: I think you probably do this but keep it clear to yourself that one cant reward behavior (ie whining etc)and expect to see less of it. I seem to notice that being more careful to NOT reward whining is as good or better than punishing it. We tend to cave every once in a while, and then if you punish and reward the same behavior - you get a frustrated kid. I would say things like "this is a treat/project/craft thats only for happy kids, but not for crying kids"...and always hold ground on how they should speak: " I need to hear your nice words before mom can give you xyz or before we can do xyz". (and praise tons when they do ask patiently) Dont let on that the whining bothers you. We would do the "Hey I dont have any cookies, but keep crying - I want to see if crying makes them come out you elbow...can I watch your elbow? keep crying ...any cookies coming out of your elbow (or belly button or nose)yet? can I have one? etc?" playing it up often turned whining into laughing at silly mom. They also are total empaths, especially when youre alone with them, so they can tell if you are stressed sad, etc. Go ahead have a snuggle time, then say ah I feel better lets get busy doing etc...Also, can you set up a little workstation/computer table of his next to yours (even with a toy as a prop?)A moms playgroup may be good for you, but my bet you know you are a good teacher. do you have bathtub letters? call them by their sounds, not the abc song letter names, and make boats and floats with them in the tub with the buh buh bu and the cuh cuh cuh. Its such a challenge to enjoy this time when theres so much stress, too. Dont feel guilty, every moment you have with him is gold and makes him strong for changes ahead.

Hi M., I feel bad for you. I am lucky that I had help through that stage. You are definately not doing anything wrong. Some kids are more difficult than others and I definatley have a difficult one. A few things I did like someone else suggested. Set up a play area around where you are. I used to put my daughter in her high chair and give her things to draw with or toys to play with, or I would give her a snack to eat to keep her occupied while I cook.

Set a tv corner where your computer is and pop in a video so your little one can sit right beside you while you work and he can watch a video. The older he gets the more independent he will get. Hang in there. Hope this helps some.

Hi M.! I too was a single mom at 38 of a new born. As she grew older, I was lucky that I had my son to entertain her. He is 7 years older that she is. But, let my tell you even with my sonto help I NEEDED MY ALONE TIME! You really do need to be able to do things on your own with him around. He sounds like he is having separation anxiety which is not bad, but, he is using it to control the time that you need to get things done. Does he have play groups that he goes to? It sounds like he wants you as his play mate. That's ok some of the time, but at this age, he can amuse himself with toys and videos. One thing I did (finally...it took a long time to to finally do this) I separated all of my daughters toys into several different boxes. every couple of weeks or when I was desperate, I would pull out a "New" box of toys. This seemed to amuse her, because the toys seemed new because she had not seen them in such a long time. You need to put the "old" toys away in the empty box, and stash it away. Try dumping it out close to you, and as time goes by dump the boxes a little bit further and further away so that there is some space between you. (Sounds silly, but it does help) Being single we tend to befriend our children because it's easier. You may have to start setting boundries as to how much time you spend. Start with short periods of time. Reward him with praise when he spends time alone. Add minutes at a time to extend the time. He might be young, but he still understands more that you think. There is also an excellent book called 1-2-3 MAGIC. It can take you step by step on how to keep the crying/hanging on your leg in control. I'm not sure if I've helped, but being a single mom stinks in more ways than one. Your time, energy, etc all get sapped. You are the only one that he has it sounds like so he depends on all of his security to come from you. You'll make it tough as it may be. Getting a job might help both of you appreciate the time together, also. He will learn new skills while with a caregiver and it might help at home. Good luck.

I help my husband run our own business and I had TWO children just like your son! What I did with both of them when I had to make a phone call or had to work on the computer was confine them in a playpen or circular gate area right next to where I was working. With my son, I only had the playpen and he learned how to climb out of it very early on, but it really did help. I would let them crumble pieces of scrap paper, color with YELLOW highlighters(you can't see it all over everything-hehe), they played with calculators, broken phones, etc. Anything that WASN'T a toy kept them occupied. I would be right there next to them talking to them, etc. while they played in their "pen" and it just worked. They still like us to entertain them all the time, but we just encourage them to go play on their own.

I agree with the other person that said to get involved in a mommy group, so that he learns how to play with someone other than yourself. This might have helped us too.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. Punishing him for whining at this age will probably not get you the result you are looking for. He is not going to understand what whining is yet, just tell him to use his nice voice or words if he can speak. If it is any consolation, I have two friends that have children the same age as your son and they were over yesterday. Both of their children did this the WHOLE time, so it most certainly can be a stage, but it really wasn't for my kids, they just were born that way! I agree with the "bored" thought, as that is what I always thought it was with my children, that is why the "non-toys" worked so well to keep them occupied. Good luck and don't get too frustrated:)

You are not doing anything wrong! My only suggestion is to maybe join a moms/playgroup with kids around your son's age. It will get you out of the house, and help teach your son how to interact with other kids, and show him he can be independent & play on his own. Plus it will give you that much needed mommy conversation/venting time.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can in a challenging situation. He's still awfully little and I understand wanting to give him all of the love you can. He's not old enough to be 'spoiled' yet. I agree with your instinct to not do a time out for whining. At this stage, he's whining to fill a need - not to be manipulative or naughty. Time out isn't really appropriate.

I understand your feelings of exhaustion. My son has gone through similar stages of "Must have Mama all of the time" and it really wears you out. I know that feeling of, "Come on, I'm allowed to eat too!" I'm sorry that I don't have any advice other than, I've been there and it does pass. The teething is probably a major factor with the clinginess right now. Wait, I do have some advice, do you have a friend or grandparent that can play with him so you can do a few things? That has been enormously helpful to me to have a few hours a week where I know he's getting one on one attention from someone he really likes and I can do a few things guilt free. The part time preschool option may be a good one too so he can make friends and you can have a little time.

Good luck to you.

My husband read your post...
He advises the following which worked well with our first little boy (who was an "only" child for 7 years).

Do what you need to do (cook breakfast, be on the computer) but have a similar activity right beside you for him to do. Then it is like he is doing it with you. For instance when you are cooking have him mix water in a pot or pan, when you are on the computer have him type on an old keyboard or calculator, when you are making calls give him a phone (unplugged) to call someone as well. That way he feels you are playing and he isn't doing something different than you.

It could very well be teething at this age as well but most likely he is so bonded with you that he wants to be doing just what you are doing.

You sound like a great mama! Keep up the intense albeit exhausting work! I don't think he needs Tutor Time or something like it as this young of an age, seperation is not the answer in such a little guy, nor in my opinion is discipline for feeling an emotion and reacting to it.

Best of luck!