Help Dealing with Death of Childs Parent (Ex-spouse)

I think your kids reactions are very typical. I was 19 when I lost my father to cancer. I acted about the same as your daughter...cried for a while and was "OK". I think it depends on the person. And I think the only thing you can do is be there for both of them when they are ready to talk about anything. Also I think it's bothering your son because he sees it as maybe her being "immature" and not understanding it, while this is just her way of dealing with it.

I think for your children it's a age related reaction. 12 yrs old is a tough age because you are entering the teen years and the hormones etc. Your son, boys react differently. did you and your ex have a respectful split and no negativity in front of the kids? I would try to help them remember their father. If it was tough on you as a wife, put your feelings aside for your kids. I feel your son will talk when ready.
Plant a tree and let the kids make some kind of memorial for him.
Start a scrape book of dad, and enforce them seeing their grandparents.
Just some ideas.

~~N.

N.,

First, I am sorry to hear you and your kids are going through this. It's never easy losing someone.

Just to share my experience...maybe somehow it can help...My Mom was diagnosed with an incurable, rare Cancer in 1999. After that it was a three year battle and struggle watching her slowly die. She was not herself at all when she passed away. I was 22. I was older and out on my own, but it was still like my heart was broken. I felt like a piece of me was gone forever. My 3 sisters (older), myself and my Dad were heart-broken, and deeply sad. It was the worst time in my life. I had a really hard time coping and it literally took me about a year to feel like I was living again.

I'm sure your kids are confused, hurt, feeling lost, and maybe even angry. They will need someone to talk to, separately would probably be best so each can share their feelings with an objective third party and not worry about what the other thinks. Do they have guidance counselors at school? Is there possibly a grief counseling service in the area for kids who've lost a parent? They may not want to talk at first, but it will help them cope and get by. Another suggestion is getting them a journal. They can write their feelings down on paper...just to have somewhere to get it out of their head and it may even help them heal. I journaled (still do occasionally) about the loss of my Mom, my memories of her, my feelings about losing her. I still look back and read my notes to remember that it does get better.

Lastly, just give it time. If they need to miss a few days of school to grieve, it could help. They may have a hard time concentrating in school for a while and may need encouragement from friends and family to get through it...as a way to take their mind off things.

Good luck. I really feel for you.

Hi N., I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I see that someone else mentioned Olivia's House in York, and I just wanted to say that I volunteer there, and we are currently running a program, and I work with the 9-10 yr olds. This is my first program but it seems to be such a good program and the kids are already benefiting from it. You can always call Jill at Olivia's House and she can recommend some grief counselors and/or give you some suggestions about how to handle the children's grief. I know they always say to involve the children in the funeral process, if possible. Whether it's letting them actually help plan the funeral, or writing something to have someone read at the funeral, just so they feel like a part of the process. We actually take the kids on a tour of a funeral home so they can ask questions and be more prepared for any future deaths that may come. If you want to chat you can email me at ____@____.com and I can try to give you some more info. Again, so sorry about your loss. My husband and I lost 2 babies, so we very much know what grief feels like. A.

Although I was older when I lost my dad to cancer, it was completely devastating. My siblings and I literally watched him deteriorate from a chubby lively man to a skinny frail hopeless skeleton. He lived in VA and we were in NJ at the time and would drive there on a moments notice or long weekend which was so exhausting. As for your kids, everyone grieves differently, no matter the age...I became very depressed, ate everything in sight and gained weight while my brother kept to himself and my sister created a picture memorial (which now hangs in her living room). When your kids need to cry, let them. When they need to talk, listen. Counseling may be good but don't shut them out if they need to express their feelings to you. One major important thing is NEVER let them forget the good times - talk about funny moments, maybe a crazy story you remember with him or something their dad shared with them as babies/kids. My son was only 2.5 and my daughter was 13 when my dad died - we have pictures of him all over the house and one in each of my kids rooms and every now and again I make it a point to mention him to both my kids. You mentioned them wanting to have something of their father's so make sure that it happens - they will cherish that item forever.

Hello,
I am sorry for all of your loss. My good friend lost her husband of three boys to it 4 years ago. Her boys allreacted in different ways and still struggle. I will say they enjoy having the ALS team for the ALS walk nmamed for their dad and participating every year, swain's swinging saints.

Anyway, my mother lost her dad at 51/2 and feels as a childs who lost a parent and grown woman who lsot her husband at an early age unexpectedly that all children deserve and can benefit from grief counseling even in the short term. She is outside Philly I do not know where you are but I ave seen it help.
I am also a school counselor and have worked with all age groups, thier reaction is normal but it is hard for you all. Please let the counselor know about it and I would recomend stopping by thier schools to talk in person to her and have her or him speak on your childs behalf to their tachers. This includes their preference of no mention if they wish or to let them know how sorry they are if your child is wanting or needs that input. I persoanlly, send condolences to each of my students, not their parents in the event of a death, this way they are aware I know but it is not done at school in case they want a "safe" place free of grief for awhile.
There are also in some cities groups for adolencents and children who have lost a parent, I rec this for you at least b/c the loss of a father or mother can be devastating to a developing child but when interventions (even if only needed for a short time) can really help.
I also, for the future, for your son esp. rec a mentor(male) not right away but through adolescences, this male positive role model is so helpful as I have personally seen with two of my boys with absent or deceased dads.
Also I know in the HS groups for grief esp boys are hard and do not happen often b/c of counselors schedules but they can be a good jumping off place for referals and resources.
My prayers are with you in your time of pain.
H. Roberts
____@____.com

Hi ok i lost both of my grandfathers to cancer at about age 15 and then another at 16 i did the sleeping funny and nasty moods and i was just not pleasent my mother got me into a group trough Hospice of the chesapeake and its cheaper since he was on hopsice where i meet other kids who had lost a dad or mom or close family member my grandfather and i had gotten very close while he was sick and my cusion who lived with him keep trying to give his stuff away and i got so mad i wanted to punch her till she could not speak and we just had to stay away from each other which can be hard when living in the same house. Your son might jsut need to know that other people know how he is feeling and that it is ok to feel that way, unfortinatly my mom keep trying to tell me that and i didnt belive it till i meet them i did a summer camp program with them and by the end i was able to at least talk about it and then i did 3 yrs of one on one with a nice lady i meet but i went though 4 before her b/c i was not comfortable with them so give it time and i hope this helps.

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your lost.

I'm J. my husband was killed a year ago by a drunk driver..I have 6 children ages 2,3,5,15,18,21... would love to talk... I found that my church was very helpful with helping me.. I also found that it made me younger i wasn't going to let it age me..
e-mail me and I'll give you my phone number...
I haven't been there yet but on George st is a place called Olivia's house that to help children out..
J.

HI N. I LOST MY DAD WHEN I WAS NINE MONTHS OLD AND WHEN I GOT TO BE A TEENAGER I WENT THROUGH ALOT OF DIFFERENT EMOTIONS. YOUR CHILDREN ARE REACTING IN DIFFERENT WAYS BUT IT DOESNT MEAN THEY BOTH ARENT HURTING. THEY NEED YOU TO BE THERE FOR THEM LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE FREE TO TALK TO YOU. ALSO YOU MAY WANT TO LOOK INTO COUNSELING AND EVENTUALLY A BIG BROTHERS PROGRAM FOR YOUR SON. IS THERE SOMETHING SPECIAL YOUR SON AND HIS DAD LIKED TO DO WITH EACH OTHER? ALLOW HIM (AND YOU BE APART OF IT) TO MAKE SOME KIND OF HIS OWN MEMORIAL FOR eX. PLANT A TRY IN HIS MEMORY THAT HE CAN SEE EVERYDAY. I SEE YOU THINK IT WAS UNFAIR THE JUDGE AND EX FAMILY WANTED THE CHILDREN TO SEE THEIR FATHERS HEALTH FAILING BUT IF YOU HAD ALLOWED THEM NOT TO SEE HIM THEY WOULD(YOUR CHILDREN) BE UPSET WITH YOU FOR KEEPING THEM FROM HIM. ITS GOING TO BE A TOUGH ROAD BUT WITH YOUR LOVE AND GUIDANCE THEY WILL BE OK AGAIN,MAKE SURE YOU KEEP ON TOP OF YOUR SON DONT ALLOW HIM TO SINK TOO DEEP INTO DEPRESSION. IF YOU EVER NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IN MY PRAYERS. STEPH