Help Dealing with Alcoholic Husband Who Wants to Leave for Financial Reasons

Get out. Why are you hanging on to this guy? I was married to a guy just like that, and take my word for it, you will never be able to make him happy. Even if you did go back to work and started getting the bills straightened out, and have more money, he'll still want more. Let him go, get counseling, and you WILL find happiness. Good luck.

My advice is to get a job and get ready for life as a single mom. I say let him go. Its not like you haven't treid and we all know you can't change someone. If and when he wants to stop drinking he will take those steps.

I have to have to say that my dad had a drinking problem and spent all of his money on alcohol. He never came home!!

He says he wants you to leave because of "financial problems" well it sounds to me that he wants you to leave to have more drinking money, if he didn't go out and drink then he would have more money. Whatever you do you should not get a job to support the habit because no matter what he will just spend all your money on drinking too--you really are just adding fuel to the fire. For your girls sake you should leave, he is not willing to stop drinking to support the family then his alcohol is more important to him. You can try to get him to go to AA but he has to want to do that--nobody can make him go.

I think my mom made a great move by leaving my dad when my sister and I were 4 and 2 1/2 years old because he just kept getting worse, my mom couldn't stand to put us threw that. She was having to pinch pennies to buy milk even when she had 2 jobs because the more money they had the more he drank and he didn't even care if we had food or not. My mom was a single mom for years and I know it was hard on her at first but she really was making due better because her money was going to us and the household--NOT ALCOHOL!! And I had a stable healthy life growing up even without a father figure, who wants a alcholic for a father figure???? I know your girls don't-do what is best for them and let him drink his own money away.

My mom took us from Indiana to Florida and stayed with some family members until she got a job and a apartment. Is there family that will allow you to do this? especially since you don't have a job right now. Look at ALL your resourses--there is people who are willing to help especially when it comes to their family. I wish you all the luck and I'm sorry you are going through this right now but you and your girls will be happier in the end--I assure you. I wouldn't be who I am today without my mom and knowing she had the strength and courage to make such a brave move for us--I strive to be just like her and I learned to hold my head up high and never let someone take away your pride!!! I especially have learned that I don't want to be with a alcoholic--your daughters might take after your example and look for men just like him when they get older because that is all they know--so you really need to look out for their future as well as the present!! Let us know how it goes or if you need anything!! C.

i say let him go he will see that is miserable alone that it is not you it is him and sometimes it takes letting them go for them to get it

I hear you saying quite a bit about what you have done to try to make him happy. You're focus is so much on him, which would be wonderful if he was able to see that. But he has a drinking problem, and to tell you the truth, people with addictions are very selfish and are usually unable to value the people in their lives. But all this being said and done, I just want to ask you one question: Are you happy in this marriage? Maybe you should start thinking about your wants and needs; he clearly doesn't.

C.,
I raised my daughter on my own. She is now 22 yrs old(I am 41). Her father too had a drinking prob. along with other problems. I did the same treatment (cooking breakfast,etc.)And then, I left him based basically on "you don't want to do right and I do so good bye". Thinking too, of my daughter who was getting older (like 3or4yrs old). If you have to depend on state help for a little while; awhile you decide what you want to do; praise God for it. I got my strength from the Lord. I lived one day at a time and I found that whenever I stood for the "right" he would make a way to the next thing. Give yourself the time you need to heal of any emotional parts of this. But as you asked my response would be; yes, tell him to hit the road. It looks like everyone here has all given you great advice. There is "better" for you. It was hard at first and I had to go through some things but I was free. You can do it! With prayers, K.

Hi, C.. I can relate to you. I didn't have a husband like that, I have a father like that. Don't get me wrong, I love my father with all of my heart, but even he'll be the first to tell you that he's a much better father than a husband. He's an alcoholic, and has verbally and physically abused my mom and then my stepmom. He is going through his 2nd divorce right now. My advice to you is "get out"! It's wonderful to have a husband, but only if he treats you right. And you don't need to have one. You're a big girl, you can take care of your self and your girls. It'll be hard at first, but he's right, the state will help, you can go back to work (if that's an option) and you have family and friends to turn to (like this site)... Good luck and make whatever decision you feel is right in your heart.

Tell him to go. If you can do it without him, he can't leave soon enough. The best gift you can give your girls is the gift of example...one who knows how to take care of self. Celebrate yourself and your girls as he rides out on his toy, his motor scooter

First thing you need to do is stop waking up early to meet his needs, you have needs too! He sounds very ungratful and maybe a week without hot cooked meals would make him realize how much he does appreciate you. It sounds like there is nothing you can give him to make him change because he has to want to change himself. Don't be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you have been doing everything you possibly can to make things work, now its his turn. He can not run away from life and it sounds like he is too scared to face it at this point, don't let his fear of reality and lack of committment to you turn your life upside down, it sounds like you have put up with it long enough and now is the time to stand up for yourself. Find out if the reasons he gave you are the real reasons because he may just be giving you an excuse thats hard for you to do anything about. He should be willing to fight for you and although money can strain a married it should not be the reason it ends, because you are in it together, love should be enough. I hope things get better for you.

It sounds to me like the financial reasons are an excuse. I know its incredibly hard but if someone wants to bail over money then they arent worth your time and energy. You sound like you are trying to please him in every way you can think of but sacraficing yourself is not going to make hium happy or make him stay. He wants out..let him go. You can do it

This is an abusive realtionship. Even though he's not beating you he is controlling you in a way that is unheathly. Let him leave, you would be better off in the long run becuase there is no way that you can make hims see how much you do for him. He has a sickness and he needs help but he wont get it unless he wants to and from what you're saying it doesnt sound like he wants any help for his problems.

But don't let him control the situation. Go get a job! Take control of your life, you have two girls that it is your job to take care of, this man is not your responsiblity.

You have to aks yourself, are you holding on to this thing becuase you want to be in it or are you holding on to it becuase your last marrige didn't work out and you don't want to be twice bitten? Either way, he has to want it too our else all your hard work will go for naught.

Ultimatly only you can make the decision for yourself but think of your daughters and what it must do to them.

Hi, there! I'm sorry, this is a tough situation. Is your DH willing to go to couples counseling with you at all?? And/or on top of it AA??
If not... Then I would personally tell him "to hit the road". I know, that's easier said then done. But the two of you unhappy and him being an alcoholic can't be good for your daughter...
Just a thought and my opinion!

Stop taking care of him. He is grown.

It isn't your fault. Let him leave.

You will be better off in the long run. Temporary pain brings long term gain! You and your children desearve it (the gain of not having to deal with with someone not available emotionally and not wanting to be available physically).

C.,
I feel very strongly about this because I grew up with an alcoholic father... You can't do anything to make him happy. Nothing will make him happy except the alcohol. My father worked 7 days a week (owned his own business) and shot pool, too. The pool was just an excuse to be out drinking. Now that I'm grown, I know that he wasn't really working 7 days a week. He spent more time in the bars than at home. Believe me, FOR YOUR GIRLS, you can not stay with this man. I have no happy memories of my childhood. All I remember is my dad not being around and when he was he and my mom fought all the time. My mom was extremely unhappy and it was so hard on us. She was a stay at home mom and always said she was staying with my dad for us kids. I think that was the worst thing she could've done. Instead of having a chance at being happy, she stayed with my dad for 25 years. It was awful. You are letting him have his cake and eat it too. You're catering to him- getting up early to make him breakfast? For what? What has he done for you? If he's not willing to start AA or go to counseling, you have to end it.

1st--you pray--any counseling done--for both/or just you to keep your sanity. Sometimes, unfortunately-the grass looks greener on the other side. Any addiction-wk or other is not good for a marriage. Sounds like you've done your "job" in handling your committment--how about him? My 1st husband's remark the day we found out my 1989 pregnancy was twins was "I'm going to have to wk 2 jobs the rest of my life". He didn't want me working either--we separated when the twins were 7 mos old--it was horrible--but you know what--I made it--w/God's grace-& strength. I always caution my fellow chics to counsel, if at all possible, 1st. You have a full time job, hon,you're a mom. Until I was disabled in 2002--I thought my life as a mom had no value unless I was providing financially. I was remarried to wonderful man in 1999, who TG, has been nothing but supportive. 3 of our 5 are mine and the oldest has emotional problems--we've been to the fiery pit & back over/over again w/her. Don't blame yourself--are your afraid to be "alone"? We chics are far stronger than we know--hang in there. How old are your girls?

I am sorry but it sounds like the financial reasons are just an excuse to leave.
Cut your losses and run. I was with a man like that. I didn't want my son growing up seeing me fight with him all the time and thinking it was ok to treat women that way.
I have 4 cousins and their mom stayed with their dad until they were grown. They claim to me that was the worst thing that their mom could have ever done. They said they wished that their mom had left him when they were young, not waited for their sake because really, it didn't benefit them in any way.
If you don't have your own bank account get one. Cancel all accounts in both of your names. You don't need all of the aggrivation associated with unpaid bills.
I am now with a man who worships the ground I walk on and I have never looked back.
Good luck.

To many of us women try our best to hold onto something that may not be the best thing for us. For your husband to make the comments he has, my initial reaction, I would say let him go. But I view it as anyone who drinks a lot it trying to masked out the problems that are going on around them. They feel as if, if they drank and drank that the problem will go away. The real picture is that the problem will still be there once they become sober. I know this because I have a boyfriend who used drink and drink, and hang out with his friends all the time. I used work hard to ensure that he had everything he wanted because I wanted to make him happy and wanted him to spend time with me. Then one day I began to watch his actions. The more I watched and listened the more I realized that it was something more deeper going on with him. So, I began to questioned myself and ask if I was happy with how things are going, am I willingly to continue in this relationship at this state, do I want my child to be exposed to these behaviors? Once I began to answered those questions I realized what I needed to do. Instead of me working hard to please him, I worked hard to please myself. Not saying that I completed ignored him, but I gave him the space that he needed and I also began to be the bee buzzing in his ear about going to get help with his dranking problem. Until he wants to change his behaviours there is nothing you can really do to change. This is where I went wrong. I kept trying to change him and all I had to do was let him see what it would be like if I was not around to tend to his every need. This is something that you have to answer for yourself. Listen to your heart and it will tell you exactly what to do. You can not change anyone and make someone stay with you. Sometimes you just have to let nature runs it course. However, as a mother of two, you also need to be proactive, that if he was to leave do you have the means to take care of yourself and your two daughters. So you have a lot to deal with, so get started NOW!!!. Oh if you are wondering, I am still with my boyfriend today and he has stopped drinking and hanging out with his friends. And I didn't do nothing, I was just there as a support. He signed himself up for the alochol treatment program and decided to stop hanging with his friends.

Hi C.! My names R. & I'm new here. I read your story & had to make a comment. First off to me it seems like he's not caring about you & your feelings through all of this. In another words,he thinks if he left all the bills to you he'd be better off. he sounds very selfish & not that loving. If he cared for you & his family he would want to work it out. let him go. You will be better off without him. He sounds like he stresses you out too. You don't need him. Things will work out better for you if you just let him go. it will be hard i understand since you've been with him so long. But he's not good for you & your family,you'd be better off. Good luck!

sounds like he has been unhappy and wanted out for a long time. it is easier to say than to do, but i say let go. if he wants out THAT bad, you are not going to be able to keep him around and it will only get worse for you. it is not worth the end result.
i had a marriage where my husband was cheating (which i did not find out till the very end) and he kept leaving me notes (very mature) asking for a divorce. i tried SO hard to hold on and get him to stay. when i finally let go, i was so much happier and saner. i am now with a very loving man and we have two wonderful children! the future is brighter without someone dragging you down emotionally. best of luck to you.

ALANON!! Get yourself to an Alanon meeting stat! You cannot save him, but you can save yourself! I cannot tell you what an incredible place it is to heal and get your head on right. It may be scary at first but this really is the place you should be. There will be many other people going through the same emotions and you will be able to get a perspective on your whole life! ALANON!!! It really does work!

HELLO C.,
IAM SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE GOING THRU THIS. THE FIRST THING THAT YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT IS HAVING AN ALCOHOLIC AROUND YOUR CHILDREN. YOU KNOW WHAT ADDICTION IS ADDICTION WHETHER IT IS LIQUOR DRUGS OR FOOD. IF HE WANTS TO LEAVE LET HIM. DO NOT MAKE YOU SELF SICK TRYING TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY THAT DOES NOT EVEN CARE ABOUT THERE OWN HAPPINESS JUST SELFISHNESS. I KNOW THAT IT IS A LOT EASIER FOR ME TO SAY BUT WOMEN ARE STRONG(EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IT) YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU WILL MAKE IT. IT WILL BE HARD BUT JUST LET HIM GO. I DON'T KNOW HOW RELIGIOUS YOU ARE BUT PRAY ABOUT IT. THIS IS SOMETHING I SAY EVERY DAY. "GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS THAT I CANNOT CHANGE. THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS THAT I CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." I HOPE THIS HELPS IT SEEMS TO WORK FOR ME. GOOD LUCK!!! LET ME KNOW HOW YOU MAKE OUT. STAY STRONG!!

dear C.
he wants out. he's using the finances as an excuse but in reality looks like he wants out. and i agree, you'd be better off without him. young kids around an alcoholic, a major no-no.
the reason i am sayying he wants out and it's not the finances is the fact that you offered to get a job and he still said no. if the finances were the issue he would have given that option a shot. plus, finances can't be all that great if he is out drinking and playing pool. last i heard none of those are free
good luck. there are too many men out there for you to be wasting your time on this one
sorry
vlora

C.,

HI...I WANT TO SAY THAT ...MY HUSBAND IS A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC AND HE IS THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD!

IT SOUNDS TO ME THAT YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS AA MEETINGS TO FIND THAT HE HAS A WONDERFUL WIFE THAT LOVES HIM AND CARES FOR HIM. HE DEFINITELY WILL NOT FIND ANOTHER WOMAN WHO WILL PUT UP WITH HIS CRAP!!! IF YOU FEEL SO MUCH LOVE FOR HIM...THEN TRY TO GET HIM TO GO TO MEETINGS...IF HE AGREES THEN HE DOES LOVE YOU ...IF NOT THEN HE IS A SELFISH PERSON WHO ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF. YOU ARE A GREAT WOMAN, WHO HAS A BIG HEART AND CAN BE LOVED BY SOMEONE WHO REALLY CARES...DON'T LET HIM RUN YOUR LIFE...YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE...ENJOY IT AND BE LOVED.

WRITE ME ANYTIME.

KELLY IN PHILA...

You usually find your answer in your question. What I mean is that it sounds like you already have tried "hanging on". When will you stop, when he drops you or when you choose to let go?
Taking control of your life is easier than losing yourself to someone who has become destructive, careless & irresponsible.

PS - We all have financial issues, that is not a determining factor in wanting out of a marriage. There is something else going on.

VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!
You go to the bank ASAP and take a a huge chunk of money. As much as you can. If you don't he will. Then you hid it where he cannot find it. Then you figure out all your options. Do not stay with a loser like this. He is only going to bring you down and make you feel like it's your fault. IT'S NOT!!!!Cancel ALL credit cards in BOTH your names. If you have one in just your name and he does NOT have any way to use it, keep it. Get away now while you still are young and can have a good life. And do you want your girls to see this is how a wife should be?!?!?! I don't think so.
I speak from the same experience.

Hi C.,

First, I'm sorry this is happening to you. My father was an alcoholic. My mother gave him an ultimatem when my twin sister and I were about 2 and she came home to find us running around the house. He was passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of Jack. He cleaned himself up and was a fabulous hard working loving father. But he wasn't the best husband. He replaced one addiction with another (pot) and escaped as soon as he got home from work. He functioned and still does. I just remember my mother was so alone. And you sound very alone. She stayed in it for her four kids and because she wasn't a quiter. They are divorced now but I wish they had sooner. It was horrible to watch them fight all the time growing up. And now I fear that each of them will never meet someone else. Not to mention, I was constantly finding myself duplicating my parents relationship. It's just not healthy. I doubt he even thinks he is an alcoholic since he is using the "financial" excuse. If he wants out, you can't make him stay. And in all honesty, you deserve better. You should be asking him to leave if he values more $ over your marraige. I don't know how old your children are but I would look for employment if you can. And a lawyer. Stop sacrificing to make him happy. What's going to make you happy? Five out of the six years you've been focused on pleasing him. Don't spend another year of your life making other people happy, start putting you and your kids first.
N. W

Are you happy? Are your children?

You've gotten lots of great advice, but let me also encourage you to contact your county, or the local bar association and find a lawyer who could perhaps give you some pro bono advice on the legal issues associated both with terminating the marriage and seeking state support.

While I understand that cutting off taking care of him may be emotionally satisfying, it may not be in your best interest legally to do so.

Also, since he is just talking about leaving, and hasn't done so yet, perhaps you want to consider asking for a month or two transition phase (e.g., fine, we can separate/divorce, but give me a month or two to get my affairs in order). That will give you time to explore Alanon, legal advice, and financial issues. There was also a series of books popular in the 80s about co-dependency. You might want to look for something on that topic at your library.

Ali

I am sorry that you are having problems.

I would tell him to do what he has to do. If he is not happy and he wants to leave, tell him that is up to him. He will either leave or he will realize that you are tired of his behavior and he will straighten up. Either way, you are better off.

Of course, if he leaves, your life will change drastically and you may be unhappy for a time but you will get over it.

I hope I'm not being too honest but it's not worth staying in a relationship that makes you both unhappy.

Good luck.

well i dont want to blend in with all the others, but i will tell you that me and my fiance have been togethere for 10 years and have a 4yr old daughter.. we have always had money issues (oh yeah, i am 39 almost 40).. anyway,, he loves to play pool also.. we, thru lots and lots of compromise have set up a schedule for him to play pool and still be at home with the family.. and giving him a release has made it better. everyone does deserve something they enjoy, and that goes for you too!

i am not a expert, but i have found that if you pull away, they come back.. as others said, stop doing for him, take care of yourself and the kids.. if he really wants out, then tell him to go.. you dont want to make him stay (you would be miserable, and if he really doesnt want to be there, so would he). everything, everything always works out.. tell him "thanks for the advice" and look into the programs offered to you.. either it will be a wake up call for him or a nice slamming of the door. let him go to the pool hall and play with his buddies.

I'm with these ladies. First and foremost, go to the bank and get yourself some money. Open up a private account of your own using a relative or friend's address so this is under wraps until he gets out. Cancel and cut up your joint credit cards and accounts. Get your name off of his vehicle(s) as well. Start laying the ground work to get back into the workforce. I'm not sure what kind of work experience you have but temp agencies are a great foot in the door to great companies with awesome benefits. You could start there. Also check out careerbuilder and monster.com.

You can't fight the demons of alcoholism for him, he has to want to quit and he isn't ready. Don't waste more time and create more unhappy memories for you and your girls. You are all they have to see as a good example. Counseling is a great idea for you to get past this and get strong. You have done everything in your power to make him happy, even offering to go back to work. There are other things pushing him out the door than finances, I hate to say it.

Cut your losses now and be SMART and CAREFUL about it. I know these things from experience, as do many of us sadly....

Take care and keep your chin up!