I am looking for some new suggestions on how to deal with my almost 5-year-old twin daughters. I understand that children go through stages of not listening and throwing tantrums. My girls have been through it once when they were around two and we took care of hit fairly easily. Now we have moved to tantrums in public places as well as at home. They sit in time-out, have their toys taken away, tv/movie priviledges gone and have even had to go to bed early because of this. After all of that, I just don't know what to do. Dad is extremely fed up with them and of course blames me because I am the one at home with them all day. He says that it will all be resolved if I would just find a job outside of the house and send them to day care somewhere else. They have one more year before they start school because of the cut-off date. I am just exhausted and out of ideas on ways to redirect and handle these situations and to get Dad to calm down. It is very embarrasing when they do this and I just want them to behave and act like big girls. I know that many of you have gone through this so I am looking for any helpful advice. Thanks in advance for your help!
Hi J.,
I saw an ad for participants in the show "Super Nanny". If I find it again, would you like to apply?
Just a thought!
It seems you have two problems: your husband and your twins. For your husband problem you could try talking to him and coming up with a plan on how to deal with your girls, TOGETHER. Does he know how much it would cost to put all three girls in daycare. That might help motivate him.
Anyway, I don't know what to suggest with your girls. Getting your husband on the same page is probably the first step. You might need to really turn your girls' lives upside down by taking everything away from them, and having them earn everything back one by one.
Once, I took ALL of my 3 year olds toys out into the garage and kept it that way for a full day. Then, he got to earn things back one at a time. I started off small and worked up to the favorites. It really helped get me back in control. He threw a huge fit at first, but then he started to take pride in being a big boy and getting his toys back.
In fact, we have been having a power struggle lately and I have been thinking I might to do this again. I'm sure other moms will have good ideas for you. Good luck.
Sorry you and Dad are going through this. I agree with the gal who said you have two problems, and one of them is Dad. It sounds like he's playing the blame-game. Blaming just adds hurt (yours) on top of frustration. When Dad does this to you, try saying, "do you rather find fault, or fix this? I know you're frustrated, but if you want to fix it, our time would be better spent talking about possible solutions than blaming me."
I also second the "to the corner" for the girls the instant they even SEEM like they're going to let loose. In fact, put one in a corner in one room, and the other in the other room, in case they are feeding off each other or have come to consider stirring up mom and dad to be a good game. Take the mutual reinforcement away from them by separating them. And don't let them get to the point that you can't stand it before you act. Act when you know their behavior, if it escalates, will be unacceptable. They'll get the idea fast.
Another thing that works sometimes, believe it or not, is an appeal to the kids' sympathy. They are never too young to be taught that mom and dad have feelings and needs too. Try taking them aside and telling them you feel tired or whatever, and ask them to be your helpers today by making the house a little quieter so you can get better. Or, tell them Daddy had a very hard day at work and ask their help by being very nice to everyone and no noise so daddy can feel better again. It might last only twenty minutes at that age, but twenty minutes of peace is twenty minutes!
Good luck...
Hi J.,
Well I have a few different opinions on this but a few the same also.
1) I disagree with taking everything out of their room because later on they figure out if they act the way you want them to they will until you give their things back.
2)I think you have to consistent on everything they do. If they did wrong they get a punishment. Now for your girls you might have to do the behavior chart this might work better for them rather than taking away toys all the time. They might figure thats cool i'll just go get a different one.
3)The biggest thing and I know from experience, you and Dad HAVE to back each other up, you can agree to disagree but never in fromt of the kids. If you say no Dad says no even if he doesn't agree and you can discuss it later or in a different room. And the same goes for you.
Besides the behavior chart you could try one more thing...
Everytime your child(ren) start throwing a fit, no matter how big or small send them either to the corner or a time out spot. I mean everytime, if they get out and they start again right back to the corner again.
You say Dad blames you for the way they act, well how do you allow them to act, I'm not saying you do but if he blames you does he have any evidence that you don't discipline them??
I think you should establish clear rules they have to follow and if they don't then there needs to be a clear punishment.
I am a home child care provider as well and it seems with the children that I have watched when they turn this age they seem to have this stage they go through, where in one sense they aren't preschool age but they also going to be school age and so they see where they can get by with things, Where and who will allow them to do what. In alot of ways you just have to lay down the law, tell them they have to jump back in their 5 year old pants, and you have to get sh*tty. They go through this when they turn 2 also, they aren't a baby anymore but they still don't know how to express themselves all the way.
You don't get any specifics on what they are doing so I can't really give you any advice on how I would handle the things they are doing.
But in my daycare if the kids I watch want to throw a fit and just have it out with themselves thats fine but they have to go do it in the corner and away from me and the other kids. I have a little girl I watch and we had this battle for a week. One whole day she spent going in and out of the corner by the time she went home in the afternoon and came back the next day we had no problems. I can tell that daycare is not the answer at this point not just the money issue but you need to get on the same page with your husband.
If you give some examples I could give advice on what I would do. In no means do I claim to be an expert but maybe I can help. Mom of 4.
I'm new to this website and was reading your message. Just wondering if you have found anything that's worked for your daughters?? I have an almost five year old son and we are dealing with this also. I had a baby 8 months ago and feel like some of it is from him not getting all of the attention anymore but I'm out of ideas and losing my mind. Thanks for your time. S.
I have half your problem, so can understand! My near 5 year old missed the cut-off too. She'll be 5 in October. She is very spirited and strong-willed and constantly getting into trouble. My hubby says the same thing...get a full-time job and put her in day care. Uh, NO! She'll just give it to me after work. I don't want to work full time for a part-time paycheck! So here's what I'm trying to do right now...work for Laidlaw as a part-time school bus driver. Bonus part is I get to take her with me on the bus...you can bring your own children to work! She is very excited about this and will get a taste of "big girl" life. She has a 7 year old sister who is going into 2nd grade and wants to be a big girl herself. We'll see how this goes.
I'm getting off point...your husband needs to stop being lazy about his reaction and get in there and help! That's what my husband and I try and do. Back each other up. Even (like another gal here said) if it means agreeing to disagree. If the law has already been laid, he needs to back you. If he doesn't agree with what you've done, discuss it away from the kiddos.
Things I've tried with mine: 1.2.3 and if she hasn't listened time out in the time out chair for 4 1/2 minutes (1 minute per age). No playtime with friends while her sister gets to go (huge motivator). No pool (during summer). No dessert after dinner.
Now, when she's been a really good girl she gets lots of praises and treats like a piece of gum, root beer (soda is a HUGE treat) etc.
Good luck, maybe we should get them together sometime and wear them out!
If worse comes to worse call Supernanny! Trust me, I've thought about it!
HI J.,I wanted to say that day care might help when they are there but when they come home they are still going to act with you as they choose.I know this because I've been through it also with my 4 and a half yr old.She was one person there and another at home.As emberassing as it was I would leave carts in the store and take her home and go shopping at another time.At restaurants I had their dad get my food in a to go box and made them come sit in the car.Everytime we had to walk out of a place I explained what they did wrong and let them know behavier like that will cause them to be stuck at home all the time.I'd pretty much say if they can't behave in public they can't be in public until they learned.Granted there is 2 but hopefully it would help them to remind each other to be good because one bad apple spoiles the bunch.And of course good behavior deserves a small reward at the check out line or when they get home.I don't know this would work for a fact because all children are so different but it did for mine.She now uses restaurant manors like speak quitely and keep her toosh in the seat facing her own table.I only had to experiance it a few times before she caught on.I figure all the people I was just embarrased in front of would never see me again so I wasn't afraid.Hope this helps:)
Daycare is NOT the answer to this. I agree with the other post, you need to get your husband on the same page. I would strip their room of EVERYTHING except their bed and a couple changes of clothing. Put everyting in their room in boxes in the garage. Once they start behaving like you know they can, slowly give them their stuff back one at a time, week by week... but they HAVE TO earn it. I think this will be a shocker to the girls and will definitley get their attention that Mommy and Daddy mean business... I also have twins, so I'm sure I'll eventually be in your boat! Good luck!
